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I promised and promised and promised and finally here it is, the food column!
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
First, like probably many of your fans, I enjoy reading your column in each issue of This Week in Ravelry. I appreciate your insight and your no nonsense approach to giving advice and saying what you feel. As per your request for food questions, I have some for you. I often find myself in a rut making the same or similar meals. With my hubby & I both working, there isn't much time for dinner preparation when we get home. We're hungry & don't want to wait an hour for dinner, especially when we get home at 6 pm or later. That leads to snacking & unfortunately the snacking is usually not healthy. Maybe this is a multiple part question: Can you suggest any recipes or meals that are tasty, quick to make & packed with vegetables? Perhaps related, do you have any recipes for spaghetti squash other than the usual bake, shred, eat or bake with cheese, shred, eat? Don't get me wrong, I like spaghetti squash prepared that way, but I'd like to broaden my spaghetti squash horizons.
Thanks for any & all answers!
spaghetti squash butt
Dear SSB,
First off, thank you thank you! I do really appreciate that people enjoy reading the column!
So let's see, you're having trouble with snacking before dinner time and it's ruining your dinner? Stop buying those snacks. Really and truly! Stop buying the kinds of snacks that lead to eating and eating and eating. I know it sounds sort of trite and mom-like, but if you're hungry, then eat a piece of fruit! Or some carrots! Stop buying the empty calorie type treats and snacks. Instead, when you go shopping, make a list that focuses on the reality of your situation. You are often too tired and hungry to focus on large meal prep right when you get home, you need to eat something little first to help curb the hunger pangs. Once you've had your little home-from-work snack you can get back to focusing on a real meal. So buy some legitimate snacking options like baby carrots, apples, bananas and whatnot.
As for quick and easy veggie packed meals, I will share with you the secret method David and I use. We often forget to cook dinner until it is very late at night. We are very easily distracted and somewhat irresponsible at times. One of the things we started doing is keeping big bags of frozen mixed veggies in the freezer. Our easiest meal is to make spaghetti, and we will dump a bunch of frozen mixed veggies into the sauce while it's heating up. It's not the kind of thing that I would serve to guests, but it gets a lot of veggies into me in short order and I don't have to try to plan out multiple dishes for dinner when I am tired or not really feeling like cooking.
Spaghetti squash is lovely and can be added to just about anything. I like to stab it a few times then throw it in the microwave for 8-10 minutes depending on the size of the squash and the power of your microwave. While that is happening throw some minced garlic and olive oil in a saute pan. Then add about 1/2 to 1 tablespoon of any spice blend you want! An italian herb mix or some curry powder or Greek seasoning or whatever you are craving. Add about a teaspoon or so of water. Stir that up on medium heat until the water is mostly cooked off. Turn it off and let it just sit. Once you have your spaghetti squash well shredded then toss that in the pan with the seasonings, turn on the heat and mix until the seasonings are thoroughly mixed in. This seasoning mix trick can be used on pasta, other veggies, potatoes or whatever. The water and the sitting time are important for helping the flavors in the seasoning mix bloom and blend before adding the main ingredient (pasta or squash or whatever).
Also! Spaghetti squash, regular squash, potatoes and bunches of other things can be cooked in larger batches and kept in the fridge for about a week. When you are cooking, consider making a double portion of veggies or potatoes or the main dish.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I'm newly married. I do the cooking, my husband does the dishes. Except, he complains a lot about doing the dishes. He prefers that I heat up a frozen pizza rather than cook a nice, healthy, tasty meal, because he doesn't like doing the dishes. I don't wish to serve unhealthy meals every night.
I'm trying positive reinforcement - lots of thank-yous, etc., when he does the dishes without complaining. We're making slow progress.
In the meantime: can you recommend some dinners - real, hot meals with all four food groups - that use very few dishes for preparation?
(And while we're at it... how can I make dish-time less of an ordeal?)
Thanks!
She Who Makes the Dishes Dirty
Dear SWMtDD,
I do not know what your kitchen situation is like, but I am going to recommend that you look into getting a full sized portable dishwasher! If you don't know what they are, I will tell you (because I am good that way). A portable dishwasher is the same size as a regular dishwasher but does not get installed permanently, it hooks up to the kitchen faucet via an adapter. It exhausts the water right into your kitchen sink. When it's done it can easily be unhooked from your faucet and rolled anywhere you like. Check Craigslist, I got mine for $50. They have the added benefit of giving you an extra square of mobile countertop.
So that is one way to make dish time less of an ordeal.
Okay, but I want to talk a little bit about the "equal division of chores". When you first set up house with someone you always want to have an equitable sharing of responsibility so that everyone feels that everyone else is pulling their own weight. So, you divide things up and everyone seems happy. Happy until one person realizes that they just really really hate one of those chores. Sometimes the "equal division of chores" just isn't all that equal or fair. Every act or chore does not need an equal corollary chore. Or if it does, it needn't be the one seemingly related to it. The corollary chore to 'making dinner' doesn't seem to be 'doing dishes' since doing the dishes seems to be something he really hates as opposed to just a chore to do. What I would suggest is that the two of you work together on the dishes and clean up after dinner and he picks up a different household responsibility.
I know it seems unfair, why should you cook and do part of the cleaning! Well, that's just one of the 2 million compromises that you will make in the course of your relationship. You are going to find that most of the assumptions you had about fairness were at best, naïve. I know you are tired after working and cooking, but have him help you with dinner, and you can help him with the dishes.
Also, do you have a crock pot or slow cooker? If you don't then get one! They are relatively inexpensive and they are invaluable in the kitchen. A roast tossed in the crock pot with a bit of water and some seasonings in the morning becomes delicious roast beef by the time you get home. Microwave a couple potatoes and some veggies and you've got dinner. Or make a simplified version of my crock pot chili!
1 can diced tomatoes (with the juices)
1 can diced jalapeños
3 tbl chili powder
1 tbl oregano
1 tbl cocoa powder
1 cinnamon stick
1 bay leaf
1/2 tb pepper
1/2 tbl salt
1 cup water
4 or 5 or more garlic cloves
1 chuck roast
put all of this in the crock pot before you go to work. Or, put all of it in the crock the night before and store it in the fridge and then put the crock into the cooker before you go to work.
When you get home, pull the roast out and put it in a large bowl to rest. Remove the bay leaf and cinnamon stick. Puree the contents of the crock pot. Once the beef has rested it will shred easily with 2 forks, add the beef back to the chili puree in the crock pot. From here add a couple cans of diced tomatoes and as many different cans of beans (black beans, kidney beans, red beans) as you like. You may have to add a bit of water as well. Heat it up and boom, you have enough chili to last you a few nights and your dishes are minimal.
Hello, Auntie BubboPants!
For several months (a year?) now, I have been completely uninspired in the kitchen. Then, I found SmittenKitchen.com - a food blog with beautiful and inspiring pictures! I wanted to share! Because I am now in the kitchen for hours at a time with all sorts of goodies!
I have to credit SallySitwell for the discovery, a lady who I met once at a knit night and then again once at yoga and then friended on ravelry and then found her blog where she mentions the site...
I hope you enjoy!
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
That site looks awesome!
I found a site called "Our Best Bites" a few days ago and fell in love with their single serving pies!
Readers, what are your favorite foodie sites? Pop them into the comments section so we can all share.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
This is probably more food etiquette than food itself, but I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter. I tend to show affection through food. I like nothing more than cooking or baking for friends and my DH's family (mine is a continent away). There are several things I cook that are now constantly requested. His family has noticed this trend, and are starting to reciprocate.
The problem is, besides a few key dishes, his family members are terrible cooks. When his parents came to dinner last, they decided to make jambalaya. Now, I make a mean jambalaya. What they brought was disgusting. My husband and I choked it down. And before his mom served it, she said that "this dish will impress you!"
I had to thank her and take the leftovers (which were thrown out). Then she said she's going to make it again for us when we go on a family trip next month. My husband gagged when I told him this.
Is there a polite way to tell her that we didn't care for it? That I'd prefer to make it myself? I don't want to seem rude, and there's enough against me already that I don't want to step on any more toes (they're Cuban, and I just don't like Cuban food, save for a few things! Friction!).
Furthermore, I have a lot of dietary considerations; some are medical and some are personal convictions. I can't have dairy, but I won't eat anything with artificial colors (actually I am allergic to some of those too!), flavors or preservatives. So when they brought sherbet for dessert (which has all of the above) I had to politely eat that too. I was woefully ill for days, and had an allergic reaction to the dye in it. (as an aside, I've told them I like sorbet. They don't know the difference!)
So, how does one cope when dealing with food situations like this? If I declined either food, I'd have gone without dinner, and it would have been rude not to accept the gift of my guests. But at the same time, having to excuse myself to vomit isn't very nice either.
What to do?
-Sick to my Stomach
Dear StmS,
You raise a couple of etiquette dilemmas here. The food issues/allergies one is pretty straightforward. You can let your hosts know that you have food allergies or dietary concerns. They can choose to cook for that, but they don't have to. As the person with the dietary concerns you have to be responsible for what you eat, not them. So, if you are going to go eat somewhere, make sure they know your concerns, have a conversation about them. If they feel they cannot cook for your specific situation then you can bring your own food. There is no reason to eat something you are allergic to simply to seem polite, but these dietary concerns are yours, not theirs, and therefore your responsibility.
If you are not comfortable bringing this up to his parents then it is your husband's job to do this. As your husband he is obligated to act as your proxy when dealing with his family (just as it would be yours to deal with your family on his behalf).
So, what happens if they cook a meal with your concerns in mind but it is unpalatable? You eat it and you smile and you appreciate the efforts that they went through to make a meal for you. I know it's not fun to eat things that don't taste good or are gross, but there are things that are so much more important in the long run than temporary discomfort. The act of feeding someone is rooted deep in our psyche. We don't feed someone a meal just for the meal's sake, we give the gift of food as a way of saying, "with you I will share my resources because you are important and we accept you into our pack". Find a way, make a bit of a sacrifice, eat a small amount. Do this not just to make them happy but to accept the gift they have given to you, the gift of accepting you into their family.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Unless "is procrastination the natural human condition" counts, I am presently lacking in relationship and other big "what do I do with my life" questions, being as my primary relationship at the moment is with a graduate program that is allegedly helping me answer the "what do I do with my life" sorts of things as well. I DO, however, have a food question, which I trust you to answer as well as you answer other peoples' more interesting and important life-issues sorts of questions.
I love to cook, it is one of the things that I do. I love to feed my friends and loved ones my cooking. I am also, as of a few years ago, a vegetarian who has no money (see also, graduate school). So, here is the question: What sort of vegetarian main (that does not involve pumpkin, which I don't like) and is not a curry (which I love, but one does need some variety) can one serve a group of friends in winter in Massachusetts?
Thank you,
Tofurkey-Butt
Dear TB,
I am totally the queen of procrastination! I can relate.
Vegetarian meals without pumpkin? Easy! First things first, you see that chili recipe I posted up there? you make that but leave out the beef. Cook the tomatoes and spices all day, then puree it up and add more tomatoes, all the different beans you like, maybe some canned hominy (sometimes called maize blanco) and any veggies that catch your eye.
Or you can make the chili recipe up to and including the step where you puree it. Then take some peppers, onions and saute until golden in a bit of oil with some garlic. Add some sliced carrots, maybe some zucchini, cilantro and some kale and cook until about half done.
In small tortillas layer the veggies with some refried beans and cheese. Roll up and place seam side down in a 9x13 baking pan. Fit as many as you can in there. Pour the chili puree over these, cover in more shredded cheese and bake for about 30 minutes at say, 400 degrees or until they are hot all the way through. Serve with a salad and maybe some corn bread.
One more idea:
1 head of kale, deribbed and shredded
2 apples, cut into chunks (use apples that are good for cooking like McIntosh, Jonathan, or Gravenstein)
4 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 white onion, chopped
1 zucchini, sliced
a lot of sliced carrots
1 tsp rubbed sage
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup corn meal
1/2 cup shredded parmesan
2 tsp chopped rosemary
in a pot with a cover bring 4 cups of water to a boil. Slowly pour the cornmeal into the boiling water while whisking. Quickly add the parmesan and rosemary. Remove from heat, cover and set aside. It will finish cooking with the residual heat.
In a large fry pan saute the onions and garlic in oil until translucent. Add a stick of butter and let it melt (you can use less butter if you want, I'm not the boss of your butter). Then toss in the zucchini and carrots, apples, sage, salt and pepper. Cook on high heat. When the veggies get some brown around the edges add your kale. Toss it well into the mix and then cover and cook for about 3-5 minutes or until the kale is bright bright green and softened (but not overcooked).
Divide the polenta into 4 bowls and then divide the kale/apple/veggie mixture over the polenta.
Delicious.
copyright 2010 heather ward/bubbodesigns
Hello and welcome back!
So! Where were we? Right, right! I was supposed to go on a trip and I was sick and there were dogs and multiple hours in a car. Yes, I remember that. Well, last minute car troubles canceled that trip for us. It was very disappointing to not get out of the house and see family and the U.S. Interstate Highway system, but on the other hand I think it was also a big relief. David and I had both been sick, we're still carrying a bit of the crud with us. We were not really looking forward to spending 20plus hours in a car with two dogs and a lot of yarn flying everywhere.
So, we spent the holidays quietly, together. We drank a lot of Thera-Flu and tea and curled up together. Very relaxing.
But, life continues to happen and you still send me messages, so let's see what's on the agenda this week:
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a feeling this is going to be another one of those letters you find tricky, because the writer is asking, "Should I do A or B?", and what you really want to say is, "Are you kidding? A or B? They're both disasterous! You should be looking for Q!" So, apologies in advance :)
My husband and I have been married for the past six years, and now have an adorable baby girl who's almost one and a half. During our engagement and the first few years of our marriage, while I was still a graduate student, we were more-or-less blissfully happy. As soon as we started living in the grown-up world, though, with actual jobs that have deadlines and rent that needs to be paid, things started getting shakier. And ever since the baby, the downhill slide has been slipping by a little faster.
As far as I can tell, my husband is happy - and therefore a pleasure to be married to - when the house is clean, there's dinner on the table most nights, I know where all his socks are, and I am relaxed enough to play a few games of dominoes or chess in the evenings, like we used to do. But this list is pretty hard to accomplish on top of a more-than-full-time work schedule, and, I feel I can truly say, impossible to accomplish on top of a more-than-full-time work schedule while also taking care of a baby. Maybe there are some people out there who can do it, but after trying and trying for a year and a half, I am certain that I'm never going to one of them.
And when my husband is not happy, well, I know I'm probably not speaking very objectively here, but he's just not a very nice person. Not violent, just continually unkind. Very continually, and very unkind. It's really, really, really hard to be killing myself trying to juggle elephants while being buffeted by once unsympathetic criticism after another.
So, here's my question. How do I train myself not to care about his mean remarks? How can I stop myself from feeling hurt and disappointed every time? I never respond to him aloud (don't want the baby to hear constant parental sniping), but I've tried reminding myself that his criticisms aren't just; I've tried reminding myself of all the things I do right in order to counterbalance what he's telling me; I've tried focusing on happier things like yarn or pretty sunshine while he's talking so that I don't hear as much of what he says. But none of it really works. Do you have any other suggestions?
We've talked about these issues endlessly, and he can't even begin to grasp anything that I'm saying, so I don't really think he's going to change. He is never going to help out with the house or the socks or the baby (or, if he does, he resents it so much that it really isn't worth it for either of us). Religiously, divorce isn't an option, and even if it were, I wouldn't be interested - I'm pretty sure single moms have it harder than I do, and besides, the baby adores her daddy. I just need to know how to get by in a reasonable approximation of happiness while married to someone who's not very nice.
Grateful BubboFan
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I sent you a question about twelve miles long a few weeks ago. I've been thinking about it ever since, and I think I've finally managed to whittle it down to the essentials. So, if I may rephrase...?
What I'm hoping you might offer me is strategies for emotional self-defense given that I'm married to someone given to making endless mean comments. Maybe there's some form of yoga I could take up, which will allow me to just "zen" away remarks I don't want to hear? Maybe there are tried-and-true strategies I haven't heard of for instantaneous forgetting of hurtful comments? Has anyone perfected a method of concentrating so completely on an intricate lace pattern, for example, that the rest of the world temporarily fades away? Where does one look for practical emotional self-defense tips?
I know you're looking forward to your food post in the next issue, and I hope your holiday season will be so full of joyous celebrations that you don't have a moment to worry about unseasonably-gloomy questions like this! But I'm looking forward to your suggestions whenever my question makes its way up the list.
Thanks again,
Grateful BubboFan
Dear GBF,
You were very right in your first email wherein you asked me if you should do A or B but I want to tell you to do Q. Seriously. There is no A or B here. I cannot in good conscience give you strategies for living a life of accepting insults and hurtful comments. You do not deserve to live that life, you deserve a life where your husband respects you and accepts reality. A husband that accepts the reality of dealing with his own socks sometimes.
Trust me, there are ways of ignoring the hurt and the meanness, ways of letting it slide off of you in the moment, but those methods build a callous in you. Over time they transform you into something you are not, something smooth and featureless, something with no distinguishing facets. The callous becomes so thick and heavy on your soul that you give up even trying to have distinguishing features. You give up the idea of trying to live beyond the safety of that shell and there you will live, safe and trapped and unable to be anything but smooth again.
Fighting and arguing and standing your ground! These are not bad things. People often say "oh my loved one and I, we never fight ever!" Now I can understand if you mean "we never scream and yell and throw things at each other" because that's good, but if they mean "we never disagree on a single thing, we never have a difference of opinion, if we do disagree, we don't discuss or argue it!" that's no damned good.
Have you ever made a souffle? When you make a souffle you grease the sides of the souffle dish then you dust it lightly with grated parmesan for a cheese souffle or some sugar for a sweet souffle. The reason you do this is that as the souffle grows and rises, it needs that texture to grab on to in order to climb climb climb to its full potential. If you don't have that bit of grittiness on the sides it will puff up and slide back down and your souffle will fall, be dense and flat. It will taste like a souffle but it will look and feel like a leaden pancake.
Arguments and disagreements are the texture that help the souffle of your marriage grow and be something spectacular. The disagreements are only a very small part of the overall recipe that you need for a light and fluffy marriage, but they are there. You cannot learn and grow, you cannot see things in a new way, unless you accept and work out your differences.
So, no, I will not advise you in the art of building a shell around yourself. I will advise you in the ways of steeling your spine, of standing your ground. I will tell you that every time he says something cruel, every time he tries to belittle you, you will respond with a clear "NO" and you will walk away from him. You will not encourage his cruelty by absorbing it. You will strike it to the floor. Every insult will be slapped to the floor for they are not yours to take, they are not yours to care for and nurture. You may ask yourself, how is slapping them to the floor different from letting them roll off me? When you calmly accept the things he says and does, you calmly reinforce his behavior. It is okay that you are calling me names for I will do nothing and your imaginary status quo will not change.
If you say, "No, I will defend myself, I do not deserve to be hurt, if you did love me then you would not want me to feel so much hurt" then he will be forced to make clear his intentions. Does he love you? Is it okay if you are hurting? Is it okay if he is the one causing you this hurt?
Socks don't have to be in perfect order, dinner doesn't have to be a creative and exciting adventure every night, sometimes the dishes soak over night. A major agreement that David and I came to early in our relationship was that if there was something you wanted done in a specific way, you'd better be willing to do that yourself. That surely attempts would be made because we love each other and want to help each other, but some things just aren't as important to one as the other. Socks came up as a minor issue. All of my socks get tumbled into the drawer when they are clean. I do not match or fold them or turn them into those little sockballs. This is a thing that I do not do. I do not. I know people do it, my mom does it, it seems like a thing that people do. I do not do this because it just seems like a lot of effort for not enough pay off. David likes his socks matched and bundled. When I do laundry I will fold all the clothes and put away most but I leave his socks for him. It is not a thing that I do. I do other things, not that thing. He does not get petty and mean, he does not insult me. He does his own socks because they are his socks and it is more important to him than me.
I want to ask you one more question, something to chew on. You have a daughter, a little girl who will grow up learning from you and your husband how a relationship is supposed to look. She will learn what is or is not acceptable in adult interaction from watching you. People make great efforts to not fight in front of the kids and while I applaud the idea of not getting into knockdown drag outs in front of the kids, I would also point out that letting kids see that sometimes adults disagree and most times adults work out these disagreements in ways that use respect and love as their tools is incredibly important. What message do you want to send to your little girl? That this is what she has to look forward to? That when she is not perfect, when she performs at only human and not superhuman levels she will also deserve scorn and ridicule? Children are sponges, think about the example you want to set for her.
You and your husband both have a lot of growing up to do and I imagine it won't be easy for either of you, it never is. But if you commit yourself to defending yourself and not accepting his cruelties and if he does truly love you and want you to be happy then in time you will find that you are working as a couple again.
Dear Auntie BubboPants
HI Auntie, I'm hoping you can help me.
I recently took part in a yarn for woolies swap. The concept is you send someone yarn - some for your partner to keep, adn some for her to knit up into something you want for your kid.
So the lady sends me some (6 oz) luscious WAHM-dyed gaia organic yarn to knit up for her kid. She wants capris, ruffles, elastic waist, and she wants them extra big to maek sure they fit.
In exchange, she sends me about 8 oz of yarn she dyed herself. Pink and purple. That's it. She claims it's peruvian wool, but it's scratchy. She says it knits up real pretty (that's quote). But I can't bring myself to even wind it.
Not only that, but I paid to ship it because she sent it to me with a package of stuff that I had ordered from her.
Her kid's capris are done. I felt resentful every time I picked up my needles to knit that gorgeous gaia knowing that all I have to show for it is this crap she dyed. There's literally 10 colours in the stuff she sent me, and she really seems to think that this was a fair trade. I'm bitter. I'm pissed.
But I have an ongoing relationship with this person (internet anyway - I order stuff from her regularly).
So do I say anything?
What would you do?
Nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear NSCB,
That's the thing with trades with few guidelines, everyone gets to decide for themselves what their part is worth. This situation reminds me very much of the "Boyfriend Sweater Curse" brought up in a previous column of mine. You determine your own value for things and part of what determines that value are the untenable things like 'effort' and 'awesome', things that are subjectively quantified.
Sometimes these trades don't work out because parameters are not well defined BEFORE people go to the mailbox. I think that is the case here, poorly defined parameters. If that weren't the case you would not be so unsure about bringing it up to her.
The lesson here is to better define your parameters for trades in the future and then mostly stick to the business type transactions with her. Business transactions are always better defined than trade transactions. In a business transaction it's clearly laid out that you will give exactly a certain number of dollars for a specific amount of merchandise and if one person falls short then the entire transaction gets canceled, no hard feelings (unless it's a monthly fiber club! then there's hard feeling all the diggitydamned time!).
Chalk this up to a learning experience. You learned to define the parameters of your trades more clearly in the future.
Also, you learned that scratchy sheep live all over the world, even in Peru (where they are probably ceaselessly mocked by their less scratchy counterparts).
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a co-worker and friend who is having a really hard time currently and try as I might I don't think I'm doing her any good. We've only known each other for a few years but I know she has suffered from clinical depression in the past and was on medication that helped. For a number of reasons she decided to stop taking the meds and did well for a long time.
She suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder which only serves to make things worse come winter. Last winter was bad she cried regularly, complained about how much she hated our co-workers, town, weather, isolation, and her relationship. Unfortunately none of these are things I can change and her relationship just ended which is not helping her mental state.
She takes a number of trips during the winter that should help but only seem to make her more unhappy when she returns. Our job requires that we live in northern Canada in a place with bad weather (-40 C anyone?) and 5 hours of daylight in the winter but suggestions such as a full spectrum/sun lamp have been poo-pooed.
I could go on and on about specific things she does that from an outside perspective look like they only make things worse but they are only symptoms of a larger problem. I need to know if there are things I could be doing/saying to help in anyway. For over a year now I've been in active listening mode, hoping that a friendly, safe and loving space would make a difference... it hasn't.
While I'd love to nudge her towards professional help to keep her job she's unable to take any sort of prescription anti-depressant so she won't go to a psychiatrist. I know that there are therapies that don't involve drugs but am I being pushy and mean if I tell her that she needs to be speaking to someone other than me at this point? Please help.
Signed,
Dreading the Winter
Dear DtW,
You are not being pushy and mean. You are not a professional in the field of fixing other people's heads. You are not a psychiatrist or a therapist or a psychologist. Your job is stressful enough without this hanging over you (note, DtW did share her profession with me but I am not at liberty to indulge it here. It a pretty damned stressful profession).
I know you love your friend and you want to help her, but you are not the help she needs. It seems that first and foremost she needs to get out of that profession and get out of that particular latitude. All the full spectrum lamps and vitamin D in the world will only be a bandage on what sound like much deeper problems. Let her know how much you care, how much you like her and want her to be happy, but also be honest with her. This is not the right job for her, this is not the right planetary latitude for her! She needs more sunlight, she needs more vitamin D, she needs a professional to help guide her through the miasma of her own brain.
copyright 2010 heather ward/bubbodesigns
Nature is not the female lead in a wacky romantic comedy. She is not charmed by your efforts to get to know her, she is not amused by all the work you put into making her feel better. She doesn't care! If you're lucky you will make it through the rest of your life without her even taking notice of you. This is nature's idea of balance: one day you're a tiger beetle larvae just chilling in the ground, eating the ants that wander by. The next thing you know a fucking methocha wasp shows up, paralyzes you and injects her parasitic offspring into your belly where they will develop and eat you from the inside out. You get to be alive for most of this process.
This is balance and harmony in the eyes of nature. Your ant colony is happy and prosperous so a bunch of the ants get eaten. You're a happy tiger beetle eating all those ants but now you have H.R. Giger's wet dream residing in your thorax. Balance! Harmony!
The more time you spend trying to woo nature, the more likely it is that you wake up to the panicked screams of your loved ones trying to escape an aerial assault from a flock of venomous winged bears!
Sure, you only buy corn grown by sustainable herds of hopi indians who transport it in recycled shoes to your beer can hut but that isn't going to stop the inevitable infestation of ebola eels in your elf built tree bog style composting toilet system.
Nature will cut you. She will lure you in with the promise of birdsong and shiny red apples and when you get close she will shove 15 or 20 fat tailed scorpions up your ass, wrap you in a portuguese man-o-war, drop you off a cliff and cover you in an avalanche or two. She laughs at you. Peace? Balance? Harmony? ha! You better run you little wiener...run before beesnakes find you
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Boneless, skinless, featureless, magically appearing in styrofoam, gently laid on a bed of maxipad and wrapped in sterile plastic. It is the essence of safety, it will not challenge us. Slather it in salt, cook it until it is as dry and chalky as our rice cakes.
Mirroring our values, we find refuge in it. Is that a boneless, skinless chicken breast or is that my neighborhood? Uniform, featureless, sparsely flavored and holding no surprises. We reject the chicken thighs with their extra myoglobin and connective tissues, we reject the unexpected flavor and texture. The chicken thigh does not weakly submit, it is not eager to please us.
We put a premium on all that is dull and predictable, 100% white meat chicken attracts customers like popular name brand soda attracts wasps...W.A.S.P.S.
We can find the boneless, skinless chicken breast wherever we look. Television programming is essentially six or maybe 8 ideas constantly recycled. Sometimes they do not even bother to hide the fact that the meat is the same, it's just a slightly different sauce day after day. How many 'different' versions of CSI are there? Law and Order? America's Next Top...Model, Chef, Apprentice, Fashion Designer, D-Bag? We carry the chicken breast to the movies with us. We do not want or need new movies, just offer us uniformity in the form of remakes. Remake the movies, tv shows, cartoons of our youth. Neatly repackage our nostalgia, we'll eat it up like so much processed cheese sauce.
Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Friendster, Orkut....Chicken Caeser Salad, Fettucini Alfredo with Grilled Chicken, Chicken Fingers, Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Margharita Chicken, Fried Chicken.
We are what we eat.
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One reason is that the most interesting aspects of my life at the moment have to do with therapy, depression, therapy, depression, dealing with it all, therapy and depression. Sure, you can dance to a broken record if you have to, but who really wants to? I mean besides me and other crazy people?
So yeah, stuff happens, but most of it would seem rather repetitive if I wrote about it.
But, let's touch on some salient points, shall we?
Yes, we shall!
Effexor! A long time ago (about a year ago) I wrote about trying to wean myself off the effexor. No easy task from any way you look at it. Effexor is crazy addictive and packed full of side effects. I was at a dose of 375mg a day, not an insignificant dose at all. It's been an incredibly tough process. By the beginning of the summer I had gotten myself down to 150mg and I decided to stay there for a while. Each jump down in dosage, no matter how minor brings a slew of amazing side effects. Brain zaps, irritability, irrational thoughts, crabbiness, dizziness, nausea and so on. With the summer upon us and David home full time I decided to stay at 150mg in an effort to experience some stability and to be able to enjoy my time with David. Also, when I am irrational and irritable I can't really control how I lash out and it's one thing to spend your days swearing at the dogs, they just see it as some new game. It's quite another thing to spend your days crying and swearing at someone you love.
And I imagine it's not an easy thing to spend your day with a crazy harpy who enjoys crying and swearing at you!
Mostly it worked out okay.
Starting again in September I got back on the plan for bumping down. Whoa, let me tell you something, whatever effects might have been apparent before are magnified 10x once you get below 75mg. Those bump downs at 75mg and under were brutal. All the brain zaps, shivers, nausea, irrationality and whatnot are there, magnified, but also it is like every single nerve in your body is just EXPOSED. Everything is just too much. Everything is too loud, too scratchy, too bright. Every statement that comes your way seems to be dripping with indecipherable hidden agendas. Most regular situations, like say not being able to eat burritos for every meal, leave you an angry mess. it's like PMS with fangs.
I'm now down to about 18.75mg every other day, things are easing up a bit. I'm being patient with myself but also I am being honest with the people around me, I cannot tolerate much right now.
One of the more noticeable changes in me is the return of my absurd self. My ability to construct stories and scenarios from the most bizarrely unrelated factors is back and strong. I missed it dearly, i did. People who know me well have commented that it seems that I am "returning". That while the effexor did a lot to help, it also covered much. They missed those parts of my personality. I missed them as well.
The one side effect of the effexor that I do miss the most is the vivid dreams. Really. I would have the most intensely vivid, detailed and engaging dreams. Luckily they were not nightmares, I know that a lot of people on effexor struggled with their dreams becoming nightmarish, I was lucky. I just got night after night of cinematic, yet absurd dreams that I hated waking from. If they could distill out whatever property caused the dreams but left out all the other side effects, i would totally engage in some sort of hardcore drug cartel! I do really want those dreams back, they were awesome.
Therapy! I am seeing my therapist weekly and it's been awesome. She is amazingly intuitive, often able to verbalize my struggles when I cannot. One of the things I really appreciate about her is that she is not focused or married to a single therapeutic method, but has a pretty full arsenal and really makes the effort to combine the best bits and pieces for me.
Last week I got to draw and color with crayons! That's amazing and awesome! I was so happy. And it was not just an hour spent coloring! We used the drawing and coloring as an exercise for dealing with my excess and often untenable anxiety. Using the repetitive physical action of coloring as a focus for my mind. Focus away from the anxiety, focus towards the repetition. The repetition is calming. Every time I chose a new color I took that moment to find a spot of physical tension in my body and try to relax it and then take a deep breath. Once I had my new color I go back to focusing on the repetition and the calmness that it brings.
It works beautifully. Re-focus my attentions, do not dwell on the anxiety but let it gradually and naturally dissipate as I pay attention to something else. Self-sooth with repetition but still take random moments to relax.
We're also discussing using EMDR therapy and so i am spending time researching this. I got a book from my mom about it, written by Francine Shapiro, the developer of the technique. The book is good, it works with case studies as a way to show the ways it can work in different situations. I wish it had more physiological science and data laid out. There are copious notes and references to related studies, but when I go to look them up they usually require a subscription to read. Bummer.
I know there's a bit of controversy surrounding EMDR and its effectiveness, which is why I am researching it so much. What I am finding, however, is that much of the controversy is centered around people saying things like, "why would eye movement affect the way you process trauma? that doesn't even make sense!" All statements to that effect ust get shuffled off to the side and disregarded. A lack of understanding of a process does not negate the process. It's like the anti-evolution crowd and their "how could such complexity just happen without intelligent direction? That just does not make sense to me!" Your lack of understanding or education on evolution does not negate its reality, it just means that you do not know.
On the other hand, I HAVE been able to find some information regarding balanced stimulation of both hemispheres during the processing of events and the role that norepinephrine plays in that process. Of course I'm not a trained professional so it takes a lot of research and backtracking and then researching the research and trying to figure out what I'm reading, but I'm getting there.
I'm not suspicious of EMDR per se, I just want to understand how it works. And I have never ever been one to just blindly accept stuff like this. I'm all give me science or give me a goddammed burrito!
In other, not so serious news:
I lost my Chibi AGAIN! I have sweaters that need finishing and I cannot finish anything until I find my Chibi! It's been suggested that I get another Chibi. I know that if I get another one then my original would show up immediately and while it would be nice to have a back up, I know that they would just create a Chibi Herd and escape again, together. Fuckers.
One of my Pantsters, the love and awesome Summer aka Stargrrl, sent me a Spngebob coloring book and it arrived right as I got home from the therapy session where I got to color! Serendipity! It's been added to my collection of Spongebob coloring books, which are my favorite coloring books! The only problem with having lots of Spongebob coloring books is that you go through a lot of yellow crayons.
Now I am off to the recycling room of Roosevelt High School with David so that I might break things with a hammer. Awesome? It's my homework from therapy! I have to break something in a controlled environment as a way to safely release my frustration. Y'all can have your boring therapy! My therapist tells me to color with crayons and break things! Huzzah? HUZZAH MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
]]>And you know what? The only advice I could give is, "String 'er up! Gut 'er out! Show 'er off!"
Once again, my sincere apologies to the wonderful people behind the scenes at TWiR who do the hard work and put up with people like me!
Dearest Auntie BubboPants,
In the last few months, I've finally gotten the nerve to break up with my long distance boyfriend and start seeing the boy at work that I've been crushing on for a long time. He's perfect. Charming, old fashion, open and honest, passionate, has two jobs, and handsome to boot. I've never felt more happy or smitten in my life.
However, there's one little thing that kind of bugs me. I don't think he brushes his teeth. He's got this icky grime in his mouth all the time, and it makes it gross to kiss him sometimes. Should I say something? Should I definitely NOT say something? I've never had to deal with this before. The last boy was very set on dental hygiene. Everything else about him is great, clean cut, well dressed. Just his teeth. What's a girl to do?
-Nonsigning Chicken Butt
Dear NSCB,
Tell him. You have to tell him, but you have to find a way to broach the subject in a way that shows you are not being critical but concerned.
Every once in a while David gets the Mad Funkies in his breath. It's not that he's not brushing his teeth, he is, I see it happening. It's that he tends to get very low grade sinus infections that he doesn't really recognize are there. The build up of bacteria in his sinuses comes out and can give him bad breath. The first time I noticed this I fretted and fretted about how to approach it without seeming overly critical. Certainly, I didn't want to just bust out with "blergh! what you got in there? A dead raccoon??" Luckily, I had a moment of A-HA! and I remembered that bad breath is often caused by low grade infections.
I opened with, "I'm not being critical, but I think that you might have a sinus infection." Then I went on to explain about the bad breath, the bacteria, the bad breath again and assurances that I wasn't being Judgey McCriticalson, I was just concerned. He went to the doctor, they found the infection and he got some nose spray. Now I have only to ask him to use his nose spray.
Now! Of course you might be dealing with a different monster here. If he's not brushing his teeth then "sinus infection" isn't the issue. HOWEVER, it will give you a way to bring up the topic. it's not lying to him, per se, it's just bringing up the issue of his mouth in a non-judgmental way. It will allow him to contemplate the issue without getting defensive or feeling shame.
Now, if the subject is brought up and he still does not start maintaining a regular oral hygiene regimen, then you will have to push again. And this time is harder because you will have to be more direct. A fully grown adult male with easy and affordable access to modern dentifrice has no excuse for not taking advantage of it. Then again, maybe he has other emotional issues, ones that run deeper than oral hygiene but express themselves of toothbrush avoidance. If this is the case then you have a decision to make. Are you willing to accept and help deal with the much larger issues at hand? You don't have to, you aren't obligated. It's not unreasonable to have certain expectations in a relationship. If you decide that you're in it for the long haul, then learn to be supportive and nudging and learn to accept the sometimes stinky foibles in exchange for the knowledge that with time and effort they can be overcome.
Guru Auntie Pants of the Bubbo,
I would love to get your take on my wonderful situation...
I have a sixteen year old daughter that has been in a relationship with a family friend's son for about six months. He is a good kid, although he has lost direction and needs to hop back on the train to his future. I can't come up with any cute way to say... I am aware of what level of intimacy is involved in their relationship since I was lucky enough to walk in on them during a moment of secret late night couch activities. I have taken steps to help insure they are practicing safer activities and hopefully will not end up like I did in the teenage parent classes in high school.
During a recent conversation with my wonderful daughter, she told me that said boyfriend often talks about how things will be years from now when they are together. She thinks it is sweet and all things warm and fuzzy, but she is not sure what she sees in the future. First of all, she doesn't want to spend her life with someone that has fallen off the future train and can't seem to hop back on. In fact, she has recently told him she wants to see action on his part before she will spend time with him. Second of all, she says she isn't sure she wants to spend forever with the first person in which she has been in a real relationship. She adores him and he think he is wonderful even with those perfect imperfections.
So with that background information, I will move on to my actual question... I understand what she is feeling, but I'm not sure what I should do on this one. At her age, I don't think she needs to worry about long term future in your relationships. This is all practice for later on in life. But I also think learning about maintaining a relationship is good too. What thoughts do you have about how I can support her in this situation?
Yet another nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear YANSCH,
Learning to maintain longterm relationships is really one of the most important skills one can learn. It's not just a single skill, but an entire skillset full of rich and diverse abilities. Learning to maintain, longterm healthy relationships comes with practice and time and maturity. Certainly, the only class offered for such a broad subject is called "Life Experience" and we're already signed up for it.
But you know what else? You know what is more important that learning to maintain longterm relationships? Learning to take care of yourself. This is so important and yet so many people miss out on this. I don't mean "take care of yourself" as in "eat good apples and don't speed in the rain and wear sensible shoes" but I mean it more like, "know your limits, understand your needs, be resolute"
Too often people grow up believing that complete self sacrifice is the best way to live that it provides the highest amount of happiness to other people. How common is it for someone to enter into or stay in a relationship believing that "if they could only fix the other person" it would be perfect. How well does that turn out? How often do people stay in dead end relationships simply because they feel trapped by their choice?
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge proponent of working very hard up until the last minute when you finally have to accept the relationship is gone.
Let me give you a metaphor (because I love me some metaphors!). On an airplane you are instructed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. This is one of those things you hear and never really give much thought to, but it a very simple set of instructions that pretty much translates to all areas of life. In the event of an emergency, you might be able to help one or two people with their masks before getting to yours, but by the time you get to putting yours on you may not have the strength and wherewithal to don it properly. You might not even have a chance to. You've helped one or two people and lost yourself.
If you quickly and efficiently put on your mask, you then have all the time and oxygen you need to help as many people as you can reach AND you will have saved yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Be strong first so that you can share MORE strength and that strength with multiply within you instead of dividing you.
As a side note, I'd like to say a little something about the teens that have fallen off the future train. Some of us, we make it back on. It's true. I barely made it through high school, I had to hustle through summer school in order to graduate and I graduated with a shamefully low GPA. My future train left the station without me because I was wandering around looking at other things. Standard public high school was not the place for me, but nobody really knew that at the time. My train left without me and it took a while for me to get caught up but by the time I got to my train I realized that rail transportation was not the only way to meet my future. I opted for hovercraft!
All I'm saying is that even the most irresponsible teens can grow up to do something completely unexpected and shiny with their lives.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have recently started a relationship with a new guy who like sweaters (and looks very good in them, I might add) and who loves the things I knit!
I am not stupid, however, I am not going to knit him a sweater. I WOULD like to knit him some gloves though, and maybe some socks.
Do you believe in the sweater curse? If so, how far does the sweater curse go? Is it reserved only for sweaters? A scarf takes a lot of time, does it occasionally bring tragic ends to relationships? Can I make this awesome guy a pair of socks?!
And in your professional opinion, why is the curse real/seem real?
Sincerely,
Happily In Love
Dear HIL,
I do not believe in curses but I do believe in what Granny Weatherwax calls "headology"!
A sweater cannot break up a relationship anymore that a pine cone can conquer Lake Erie. People create relationships and people break up relationships. The sweater curse is based on very simple headology. Handknitting a sweater can take a lot of care and effort. Receiving, wearing and appreciating a sweater can take some effort but the laws of headology are pretty clear, the receiver can never match the effort of the giver. The receiver can love and appreciate the sweater to the nth degree, but the maker put in effort of a value of nth degree plus 1 (I don't think this is mathematically correctish, I never caught up to the algebra car of my future train!).
The idea is that the receiver can get this sweater and wear it and love it, but at some point it really is just a sweater to them. Because that IS what it is, a sweater. To you, the maker, you touched every single stitch, you measured and seamed and thought and loved. It is a product of love. It represents something entirely ineffable, whereas to him it represents a wonderful but very real piece of clothing.
This discrepancy is the fulcrum on which the overloaded levers of relationship issues get bent and broken. It comes to symbolize all that one person hates about the other "He doesn't appreciate me!!!" and "she wants me too get all nutty about a damned sweater! I told her I loved it! what more can I do?"
The curse does not exist but relationship problems do exist. What to do? Make him something only if you WANT to make something for HIM and not for some unreachable pinnacle of appreciation. Know that your effort will be greater than his ability to express appreciation, but also keep in mind that there is much he does that you probably forget to appreciate. The scales are surprisingly equal in most relationships, the people themselves just fail to notice.
Hey Auntie BubboPants,
One of my best friends came to visit me earlier this summer and we had a really great time. At one point, she ran out of cash and didn't have an ATM card. To solve this problem, she wrote me, at different times, two different checks for $60. I deposited them in my bank account and then withdrew cash for her. Problem solved, right?
About three weeks later, after she had gone home and I was about to leave the country, those two checks bounced. The bank took the $120 out of my bank account and charged me $20 for each bounced check. This left me out $160. I called her and talked to her about it and she said she could PayPal me the money once she got paid - but I would have left the country by then. The money didn't come.
Later, I was home for the summer and hanging out with her, but felt like it would be awkward to press the subject as she had quit her job and was really broke. Her dad was paying her rent. She was supposed to have started a new job before I had to leave to go back to school but it fell through and I left town without having been paid back.
What do I do? Financially, I'm better off than her, but that doesn't change the fact that I expect my friends to accept responsibility for situations like this. I'm working and saving to pay for study abroad, and to a college student $160 is a lot of money. I'm trying really hard not to feel like a greedy miser but I'm not sure how to get her to pay me back.
Awkward situation, awkward question...I need your help in this one.
Thanks.
One more nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear OMNSCB (sheesh, what is it with you people? Sign your letters! I'm not your letter signing mom!)
You are not a greedy miser. You are not a greedy miser in any way at all. Ever. In good faith you lent her some cash and in very poor form she wrote checks to you that her bank could not cash. Not only did she get cash from you in order to make her visit with you more enjoyable but she left you with bank fees and a sour taste in your mouth.
Okay so maybe she doesn't have a lot of money, but it sounds like you're not exactly rolling in it either. She is an adult, she is capable of getting a job, she is capable of tweaking her finances at least a little to get her to the point where she can come up with the $160 she owes you.
Cash is the sweater curse of the friendship.
Bring it up calmly and with no accusations. Explain that this $160 is important and that you need it back. You don't have to justify why you need it back, you don't have to feel bad because you have more money than she does. She was not in dire straits when you lent her the money, you are not charging usurious fees and she already violated your trust by writing bad checks to you. Offer a payment plan of some sort, even if it is $20 a month. As your friend she needs to know that she can go to you for help but she must also respect you. Taking money and not paying you back is a form of disrespect, causing someone else to deal with bank fees because of your irresponsible actions is a much larger disrespect.
I can't promise you will get your money back. There is a possibility that she will continue to pay lip service to paying you back while continuing to put you off. You could take legal action, but I am not one to give advice on that, I don't know enough about it. But my feeling is that if you took legal action you would be out more than the initial $160.
If she does not pay you back, then you are out $160 and I would advise you to cut her out of your life as it is obvious that she is used to using people and does not recognize the consequences of disrespecting those who put themselves out for her.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Please excuse me first of all, because it's late and I'm on a caffeine drive which makes me wordier than normal. I'll try to get to the point, but there's a lot I probably need to explain.
I have this really difficult issue, and honestly, you are the only person I could think of who would tell it like it is and be objective enough to answer me in a way that is honest.
Okay, here's the issue.
I have 3 siblings, and the oldest of them, who is 7 years older than me, is getting married the day after Thanksgiving. This should be a really happy occasion, but here's the deal, it's his 4th time getting married, and there are already big warning flags that this one will go just like the last three. His bride-to-be is a recently admitted alcoholic, they have lived together for about 8 months, during which time she has "moved out" a few times, and at one point, she even destroyed the garden they had planted together. She was extremely jealous during the summer, and kept believing that he was sleeping with his ex-wife (who he was still technically married to at the time). Oh, and did I mention the kids? There are 6 children involved, 3 from his previous marriages (2 and 1-the middle wife couldn't have kids, so they are separated by a 10 year age gap), and her three children with her ex-husband.
This isn't the real problem, because frankly, it's his life, and if he wants to continue to screw it up, no amount of me butting in is going to change that fact. The real problem is that I'm heartsick over this whole business, and I can't even talk to my ever-loving mother about it. She is something of a waffler on this business, because she is the kind of person who will tell you just want you want to hear, not what you need to hear. So she tells him while he's not with this woman that he's better off, but when he goes back to her (as he always does), she tells him it's all gonna be okay, and the rest of us can't say a word against it, or she makes our lives a living hell for it.
But I just can't bring myself to even feel an ounce of happiness for him, because the thought of him getting married yet again when it's nearly a guarantee that he'll be divorced again in a few years (with possibly ANOTHER child), makes me sick to my stomach. I've been on the verge of tears every time I think about it for the last two weeks since I found out they were getting married against ALL better judgment.
The worst part? My mom basically bullied me into making them a wedding cake! I'm making a cake for them to "celebrate" their marriage, when I don't have any celebratory feelings about this whole messy business at all, and when what I'd rather do is shove both their faces into a cake than spend the hours of effort making one. But my mom is the queen of guilt trips and the best I can do is accept what they are about to do and go along, even though I am so against it that I can actually feel my body rebelling against me when I think about how I'm going to design the cake. It is taking every ounce of willpower I have right now not to scream out (I've got two little people sleeping right above me, that would be a very bad thing to do!), because I can't stand it!
The worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about it because all of my friends know my mom, and I don't want to speak ill of her to them, and because I don't want to spread family issues among too many of my friends and acquaintances, since my mom is a vip in many of those circles. (we go to the same church and she happens to work there and knows a lot of people) I love my mother, but unfortunately, she doesn't show the same face to people outside our family as she does to those within. I know there's dysfunction in every family, but here's what really sucks: in spite of saying she doesn't have any favorites: my oldest brother IS her favorite child. We've all known it for years, and we've all mostly accepted it. She will not hear a negative word against him, and even if something sounds like it might be negative, she tears the rest of us up limb from limb if she thinks her bestest child is being picked on. But he's also the most screwed up of all of us, so I don't really think the favoritism has worked in his ahem favor.
I guess my problem is with my mom, but on the other hand, I don't know what to say or do about my brother and his future wife. She's a nice woman, and she seems to care about him and like being around my family, but I can't be happy for them. Is it okay that I'm not happy for them? I don't really want to make waves just for the sake of making waves, but I just have no joy whatsoever when it comes to this union.
Sad Sister
Dear SS,
Do you have to be happy for them? No. No you don't. No one is the boss of your feelings but you. You are the only person who gets to decide how you feel about something. So no, you don't have to be happy for them.
What do you HAVE to do? The simplest answer is "nothing". But the world is not simple and the simple answers rarely suffice.
You don't have to be happy, you don't have to think this is a good idea, you can think it is a bad idea if you want. BUT! the thing that you have to do is acknowledge that this is happening and no amount of disapproval on your part is going to change that. Being angry is not going to change this. Being unhappy is not going to stop the wedding. Making lists of all the ways in which this is a bad idea is not going to suddenly give him a better idea.
Only you are the boss of your feelings, only you can choose how you can react. You don't have to approve, but he does not need your approval. You don't have to be happy, but he does not need your happiness. You don't even have to make the cake if you don't want, he can order one if you flat out refuse. If he wrote to me to say that his sister was angry and did not approve of his upcoming wedding, I would tell him to find a way to sidestep the anger while still respecting you. Your anger and unhappiness in this particular situation are about as useful to you and others as banging your head into a wall. It's big and undeniable, but the wall won't fall down and your head can only take so much.
You don't HAVE to be happy, nobody can make you be happy. You don't have to approve, nobody can make you do that either. If it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking this whole wedding thing might be a bad idea too, but I'm not here to advise him. I'm here for you.
Cakes are beautiful and delicious. Almost everybody loves cake and eating cake makes people happy. You can choose to make this cake. Making this cake is something you can choose and control. Cake makes people happy, you can focus on that. Choose to focus on the aspects you can control, like delicious wedding cake, and let go of those things you cannot control, like irresponsible siblings. Make this cake and make it a symbol that says "I will do the best I can with what I have. I will let go of those things that are not mine to hold and I will share with others these things that come from me."
You don't have to love your new sister in law but you can feed her cake and cake is delicious.
Dear Auntie BubboPants is a weekly advice column covering everything from love, self esteem, pants, yarn and recipes. Auntie BubboPants doesn't really knit, she only crochets, so don't ask her to ssk2tog for you!
]]>But before I got sick, I cooked! Like a maniac.
First, a coconut curry squash stew:
I used this recipe as a starting point. More garlic, less onion, no bell pepper, I used crowder peas instead of chick peas because that's what i had on hand. Instead of curry powder I mixed up a blend of spices heavy on the cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg, along with toasted cumin seeds, mustard seeds, fenugreek, coriander, smoked spanish paprika and a bunch of other things, I also added a small dollop of red curry paste and a big dollop of mild curry paste. I also added 1/2 a squash that I got from my sister. She told me what kind it was but I can't remember. It's about the same color as a butternut but slightly sweeter. Big, ridged on the outside. Good stuff. Served it on rice. David put coriander chutney on his, I put tamarind chutney on mine. Even better as leftovers.
Then, squash raviolis and pork tenderloin:
I sliced the pork tenderloin open and stuffed it with a mixture of chopped garlic, rosemary, olive oil and salt. I skewered it back together and let it marinate for the day.
Apple slices were tossed with olive oil, salt and pumpkin pie spice then baked in the oven at 225 for about an hour. This was to dry them a bit but still leave them juicy on the inside.
Ravioli stuffing was made from the other half of the squash, pureed and mixed with pressed ricotta, parmesan, salt, pepper and more pumpkin pie spice (really, I was too lazy to try to make the right spice blend). Because I was feeling lazy and wanted something quick I didn't make my own pasta. Potsticker wrappers are perfect for the cause, they are the right size and thickness. Unfortunately, they were out of poststicker wrappers at the little grocery by my house. I know from experience that wonton wrappers are too thin, so i figured I would try the eggroll wrappers cut into squares. Meh, I don't recommend the eggroll wrappers. too thin.
Pork roast went into the oven at 325 for less than an hour. While the roast was resting I brought a pot of water to a boil. In a giant frying pan I melted half a stick of butter, tossed in some toasted hazelnuts, the roasted apples and some rubbed sage. Once hot I added the ripped up leaves of a bunch of kale and sauteed. Raviolis were cooked and tossed in the frying pan with the kale and apple mixture. Everything was mixed up, pork was sliced and everything was served.
If I were to do it again I would roast the garlic for the pork before I stuffed it in. I cook my pork to just under done, still pink, and that does not allow the temp to get high enough to cook the garlic enough to mellow it. It was good but the garlic was still too strong. And the too-thin wrappers made the raviolis difficult to manipulate once they were cooked. I have to be super careful because they broke too easily.
And for the dogs, I made liver treats!
Making liver treats for the dogs SOUNDS like such an awesome idea! They think it is awesome, they think it is the best idea you will ever have. The idea is awesome, the execution is not so awesome.
Puree one pound of raw beef liver in the food processor. Oh holy shit! You think you have seen foulness in your times! YOU THINK THIS!!! But you have not seen truly foul anything until you look at a bowl of pureed raw beef liver. Holy. Crap.
It looks like a bowl of blood flavored instant pudding! It is red! It is wobbly! It is sticky! blergh.
The nice thing about dog treats is that they are not an exact science. The end result gets fed to an animal that licks its own butt in the name of high cuisine. So, dump the Sheol Brand Instant Liver Pudding of Doom into the stand mixer bowl along with a couple eggs, a handful of flax seed meal, some olive oil and about a cup of self-rising flour.
Note on the self rising flour: I happened to have self rising flour on hand because David picked some up for me once getting it confused with bread flour. Self rising flour has baking powder, if you use regular flour then add about a teaspoon of baking powder.
Using the dough hook, start mixing the vile mess. Keep adding flour until the mass becomes less sticky and more doughy. The lesson I learned the hard way is that pureed liver has many of the same properties as epoxy glues and never stops being sticky ('add flour until no longer sticky' is a common instruction for me when describing making doughs. It doesn't work for this.). Oil a pie plate well and dump the monstrosity in there. Try to smooth it out with a greased rubber spatula. It won't work. It will stick to your spatula. Bake at 325 for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Let cool.
At this point you will realize that your entire home smells like a cross between a slaughterhouse and your grandma's kitchen on liver and onions night. God cannot hear your lamentations anymore for he has moved on to less smelly environs.
Once the lump has cooled, slice it into 1/4 inch slices and cut those into 1 inch wide piece. spread in single layer on a cookie sheet and dry in the oven at 225 for about an hour. Your dogs will love you forever and that will probably make up for the wretched odor that permeates every molecule of your home for the next 3 days.
]]>If you are a wasp or bee or hornet please do not exist in my bathroom!
So, normally I would just shut the bathroom door and seal it and wait for David to get home, he's good with these things. He is not a "ninny-hammer" like I am. But there's a problem. Of course there is a problem. What's the point of getting upset if there was no problem. There was a problem. I had to meet David's sister for lunch in just over 2 hours and I still had not showered. And here's the thing, i can't just show up at lunch unshowered. What if your sibling's loved one showed up for lunch and had not bothered with even the most basic steps of hygiene and was babbling on about wasps getting lost on their way home from Martha's Vineyard and getting lost in your bathroom and attacking you while you were trying to drop the kids off at the pool! You know what you would do! You would beat them to death with a pipe, dump their stinky body into a lake and call your sibling and explain that they would be better off with an orangutan. That's your job as a sibling! Make sure the succubus attached to your brother understands the premise of soap.
Being all smart and shit, I run to the Pants to get their advice. Most people would call animal control and be all "holy shitburgers! be'elzebub himself is lording over my toilet!". Not me, I'm awesome! I went straight to the Pants and got advice.
1. Spray it with hairspray until it dies
a. I don't own hairspray! Curse this hipster hair of mine! I own countless tubs, tubes and spritzers of pomade, paste, wax and foam. The closest thing to "spray" that I have is goddammed "detailing mist wax". I could coif the fucker to death, maybe even suffocate it in "Signature Aveda Aroma" but I own NOTHING that wuld allow me to lacquer up that beasts spirules and suffocate it.
2. Put out some beer, the sweetness will attract it and it will drown
a. I am out of beer (also out of wine!). I have a bottle of Svedka in the freezer and a bottle of peppermint schnapps in the cabinet (where did that come from? why do I own the foulest of the candied liquors??). But even if I did have beer on hand, I'm not sharing it with some miscreant arthropod that doesn't have the good manners to die when the weather gets bad and instead decides to harass me on the toilet. No way! NO! It can buy its own damned beer, screw you, wasp! But also, even if I did put down some beer for it I'd still have part of a beer left and you can't just put that in the fridge for later, it's not soup. So what would I do with part of a beer? Drink it? at 10 in the morning? Right before meeting David's sister for lunch? I'm not sure what would be worse showing up a stinky blubbering mess or showing up unshowered. Hi, I'm the unemployed girl that lives with your brother, I can't shower because there is a monster in my bathroom and yes...yes I have been drinking!
So I decide to grow a pair and get in the shower. Figured he probably would not be brave enough to tackle me while I was naked and soapy (it would be like trying to wrestle an oiled bowling ball). Get out of the shower, and there he is sitting on the door staring at me. asshole. He buzzed his wings a couple times which is the wasp equivalent of smacking his chest and saying "you want some of this? huh?". I grabbed the bottle of mist wax and waggled it threateningly as I scooted past him. I had no faith in its ability to keep me safe, but I figured i could get at least one good distracting mist out and then chuck the bottle at his head.
Lunch was good, no one got beat in the head with a pipe. I made it home and now I can't find the wasp. But that's okay, David will be here soon enough!
]]>First off, thank you so much for you messages of love for Maddie and Chester. Maddie has he stitches out and is fully recovered and back to her old goofy self. The two of them are back to being good buddies and crabby siblings.
So, let us see what is on the table for this week's column, shall we?
Dear Auntie BubboPants
I'm a knitter, not a crocheter, but I'm sure crocheters have the same problem sometimes. I'm the only person in my circle of friends who knits, so when the holidays pull around, everyone expects me to knit them something amazing, and everyone bombards me with gift requests. It takes time to knit something nice, and I can't knit 50 sweaters in 4 months (which is about how much holiday knitting time I give myself)! But everyone expects something unique from me and it's STRESSFUL!!!! They're wearing me out! What should I do?
non-signing chicken butt
Dear NSCB,
First things first, go here and get acquainted with the Selfish Knitters! Learning to say "no" takes time and practice and finding a group of people who understand and support you in this journey is important.
You have to learn to say "NO" and you have to learn all of the ways in which it can be said.
"No, I'm sorry, I just don't have time for that."
"Maybe after the holidays? You can buy the yarn, I'll knit it up, also I like cookies and caramels"
"ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no."
"How about after the holidays I teach you to knit? that can be my gift to you!"
This brings me to a yearly rant...
Whatever the reasons for engaging in the exchange of gifts over the winter solstice may have been, they are now long long lost. This is only sadness to me. It's become a social construct, a tool, a weapon, a threat, a device, a reward. No longer are gifts given freely and without reservation. On one side we have receivers who request specific items, who argue the validity of their gifts, who compare the values of each gift and rank the givers. On the other side we have the givers that punish the giftees for perceived infractions over the previous year, or who knock themselves out trying to buy the perfect gift for someone who will not appreciate it. People receive gifts that they do not want givers wrap gifts they cannot afford.
And in any given group on any forum on any website you can find gift related arguments and flame wars raging.
This has got to end. Really! This is pure insanity. It starts with you!
Gifts that are given under any duress are not gifts. Gifts that are given with expectations of valued return on investment are not gifts. Gifts given with reservation or hesitation are not gifts. Gifts are by definition not obligations.
Gifts that are opened and judged, weighed, valued or compared are not gifts deserved.
What was once a small tradition meant to bring light and celebration into the darkest part of winter, a way to share meager holdings among the community so that all might benefit has become a race to the bottom.
As the holidays approach I implore each of you, my little chicken butts, to find a way to change your thinking even a little bit on the subject. For each gift you give, make it a give that has meaning and heart behind it. For each gift you receive, be truly grateful, do not compare or judge the gift, only accept and love the gift.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Goodness! I never anticipated getting into a mess like this!
You see... I met this guy. (Don't all of the biggest problems seem to start this way??) I met him in April and hated his guts for absolutely no reason at all; he was dating my friend and was never unkind to her, or me, or anyone else. I hated him passionately and fought with him at every opportunity. He persisted in trying to be friends with me, and eventually, I accepted that yeah, he's a pretty awesome person. He is several years younger than me, and has significantly less experience than I do, and I don't expect perfection - I know that things are complicated when you're young, and the future can be pretty intimidating.
Said awesome person cheated on his girlfriend/my friend with me - and I was cheating on my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This went on for a couple weeks, and finally we agreed it had to stop. We were honest with the people who needed to know the truth; his girlfriend couldn't care less, she was just happy that we were happy. The ex blames the guy for the end of our marriage, but no one really cares what he thinks (and he's wrong, anyhow).
Ending things didn't last long, and the guy and I got back together. This time we were dating, and there wasn't anyone else to get in the way of it. A month in, he broke up with me quite unexpectedly - only to come back a few days later telling me he was really sorry, he's just scared of all these things he's feeling, and he loves me. This has happened 3 times now, each time a month or so apart.
The last time, we didn't get back together. However, that doesn't mean anything has actually changed - when we can't see each other, he texts or calls throughout the day. Most days we talk on the phone for anywhere from 4 to 7 hours. One day I had lost my phone and hadn't talked to him for almost a full day, and when I found it, he was afraid I was avoiding him and was really upset. Neither of us is seeing other people, and honestly, Auntie, I do love him in a way I wasn't really prepared to deal with. He says and does the "boyfriend things," but is adamant that we just be friends. He has told me more than once he knows he's "just going to fail at being in a relationship" and he's so afraid of doing something that would be seen as unforgivable, that he'd lose the person he's with.
I love him, and I accept that he's young and complicated and life seems daunting sometimes. I'm not a patient person, but I've never minded waiting for him... because I know that eventually, things are going to work out. Even everyone else sees how things are with us, and that we just "fit" in a way most people don't (and they comment on it, repeatedly, to both of us). I guess what I want to know is - how do I help him be less afraid, or how do I change what we've got going on so if we're just friends, we're acting like we're just friends?
-Confused Chicken Butt
Dear CCB,
Writing an advice column is sort of a weird experience. You see, about 85% of the letters I get have the answer somewhere in the letter. Mostly the writer is upset or confused by something, knows what they have to do, but doesn't understand why. These ones are sort of easy because I have the benefit of being outside the forest and can help them understand the map and get around the trees.
There's maybe 10% supertoughies that require me to do research or find people who have better insight into a situation than I do. These ones are harder, but only because they require more effort on my part. Luckily I have friends and family with a nice, wide range of experiences and expertise and most can be bribed to help me.
Then there's the last 5%, the thorny chickenbutts of doom! The ones who send a letter full of information, and ask a question that I cannot answer because the question is unrelated to anything I want to actually say based on the other information in the letter. These letters are a quandary for me, my job is to answer questions, but my obligation is to be open and honest and tell you when you are being a chickenbutt in a bad chickenbutt way as opposed to a good chicken butt way.
You, my dear CCB, are being a 12pound chickenbutt, right here, right now, I am obligated to say it.
The reason why this relationship is continually n the rocks is because it seems that neither of you is capable of understanding what makes a good and healthy relationship. You hated him, he persisted, you found him to be awesome, you both cheated on your respective partners.
Not awesome. Seriously, not awesome. Okay, so you say your relationship with your husband was at an end, that this was a symptom of that and not the factor. Fine. But what about your relationship with your friend? Does your friend not deserve fidelity and honesty from her friends and boyfriends? Do you look at your friend and say, "you deserve to be deceived and cheated on?"
Both of you entered into a relationship with a person who has proven to be blithely indifferent to the very social contracts that allow us to trust one another. In the end, does it matter that your friend "couldn't care less, she was just happy that we were happy"? You didn't believe that this would be the case before you engaged in this cheating or you both would have been honest with her before it happened. Whether or not she is as happy and accepting as you say is not for me to judge, but I will say I have my reservations about it. Sometimes when confronted with such massive betrayal from two people you trust it is easier to cut your losses and let it go. Perhaps she is happy that this happened before she got too committed to him, perhaps she is happy that two people who obviously deserve each other have found each other.
Your relationship with him is based on acts of deceit and mistrust. The way you write to me about them indicates that you feel no remorse about your actions and in my opinion this is the big neon wedge in your relationship. Does he know that you will remain committed to him? Does he know for sure that this untroubled breaking of trusts is a single aberration in the general scheme of things?
My advice to you is probably not the advice you want. It's not advice that uses your words to give you a map to the goal you want. It is advice that uses your words to give you a map over harder terrain. Let him go. If he is as young and unformed as you say, let him go and find a new way. Do this because you have much work in front of you. Take some time away from dating and away from relationships and take some time to focus on yourself. Learn to exist as a single person. Relearn to love yourself. Then take some time to learn how to be a good friend, how to give to another person, how to not just take the things you want even if it seems you could have them freely.
You are standing at the edge of a very powerful and life changing moment, it's a step you can take, but you have to do it alone. It is too easy for you to put your weight on others and call it good. Bear this burden yourself, learn to carry yourself. Then you can learn to lean on someone else.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I hope you can help me, I seem to have developed a severe case of not being able to knit without major froggable errors found in projects rounding the bend to being finished. It may be due to overconfidence, but now I'm afraid to touch my lace shawl for fear I'll wreck it too.
I know some of the solutions, like use more lifelines and stitch markers even on the simplest projects. I just hate ripping back all those stitches especially when it's happening on every project I touch these days.
How can things be so wrong when I knit along thinking they are all okey dokey until I take a close look and then....AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! The top of the cookie socks do not match the bottom, one side of the shawl is shorter than the other by 30 stitches. It's a nightmare. Have I ever really finished anything, or is it just an illusion?
For now I've taken up reading books, watching movies and I may even get back to my quilting. What do I do when my fingers itch to knit? Is there such a thing as depressed hands? Or is my mind loosing track all together?
What to do? Oh, What to do?
shiningwaters
Dear Shiningwaters,
oh dear, I know, I've been there. We all make mistakes. There is a mistake in every single thing I make. It's not there intentionally, but if I find an error small enough to not affect the entire piece then I leave it there. I like them, those tiny human errors that keep us from getting too excited about ourselves, those little missed stitches that keep us humble (admittedly, however, it's way way less messy to miss a stitch in crochet than to drop a stitch in knitting).
But this isn't what you're dealing with, is it? You're working and discovering that you missed something little with big big consequences. It's frustrating as all hell and sort of demoralizing. I've been there! I took a break.
I just went through a funk where it did not matter what I crocheted, it just turned out wrong. None of my calculations were right, none of my estimates were close, none of the yarns chosen were working out.
I did the thing that people throughout history do when they are vexed to the very limits, I took a break. I did other things. I taught myself to make jam and I learned how to can things. I studied up on subjects of interest. I watched more movies, read more books, colored with crayons. My hands itched to hold the hook again, but I ignored them. I distracted them with rolling out pasta dough and coloring in pictures of spongebob and writing stories about snails. Then the urge to crochet subsided and I continued to focus on other things, felting, embroidery, computer games. And I waited patiently. When the urge came back I sat down and tried again and whatever had plagued the connection between my mind and my hands had cleared and I could crochet again.
Rarely do we heed the opportunities to learn new hobbies or new ways of interacting with the senses. This is a chance you should not let pass you by. Grab it and learn something new!
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a question for you and hopefully it won't be hard to answer.
I've been with the same guy for about 4 years. I'm 23 and he's 24 and we are going to graduate from college in December. We get along so well and I can tell him anything, but I'm at this point where I feel like I could end it without being too hurt. I don't really have a reason, i just don't have that urge to stay with him, other than the knowledge that i might not find anyone i can get along with as well.
Here is my thing. We are at the point in our relationship (4 years) where many relationships/marriages end. I'm thinking maybe it has to do with oxytocin not being released as much, or some other hormonal thing. I don't want to end it just because I'm not irresistibly drawn to him, but I don't want to stay if it isn't meant to be and there is someone who is perfect out there. I don't know that there is, but if so they can't be much better than my guy.
So if you have any information or wisdom you can give me on the doldrums of relationships I'd love it. I've looked stuff up, but I never find exactly what I'm looking for.
Thanks,
Young and Restless
Dear YaR (YARRRRR MATEYS!)
The relationship doldrums! They happen, they are not uncommon, they can be survived...if you both ant to survive them.
Okay, so, if you read my column you know my theory about the selfishness that is the beginning of a relationship. Yes? When we start dating someone we do it for selfish reasons, "he makes me feel happy, he makes me feel good!" This is true and it is not a bad thing, it's just a thing. The difference between dating someone and really falling in love with them is when that shift happens and we look more towards what we can do for the other person and less at what the other person does for us.
The doldrums usually happen sometime after that shift. We become complacent in the balanced 'give' and 'take' in the relationship and we stop thinking about it. and he stops thinking about it too. and you both stop thinking about it. and suddenly neither of you is really making the effort to make the other person happy, are you? If you were you wouldn't be writing about the doldrums, you'd be writing about all the effort you put in that is not reciprocated.
But the doldrums (and the attendant lack of reaction hormones like adrenaline and oxytocin) can be fixed. It's actually sort of easy. You start by going back to that time when you were actively making an effort to make him happy. You don't have to greet him at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap! But a surprise note in his lunch can mean so much, or a card in the mail just to say you love him. Take an interest in HIM again, remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place. You'll spark him up and he'll start taking an interest in YOU!
Relationships are like the careers of the soul. Just like with any career you don't just get hired and then glide on through to retirement. You work all the time. You focus and exert effort and you have triumphs and you have bad days and the rewards can be great. You don't just find the perfect match and suddenly you've reached your goal! No way, finding the "perfect match" is really just the trailhead to a path that you will follow for your lifetime. The journey is the goal.
Go make a card for him and mail it off. Doesn't matter if you live together! I just got something in the mail from David, something goofy funny that now hangs on the fridge and makes us laugh.
]]>On the subject of depression and the reasons one might or might not have for experiencing it:
As a society we often mistake the emotion 'sadness' with the mental state 'depressed', we even use them interchangeably. Sadness is an emotion, it is a reaction to stimulus. Sadness can be a symptom of depression, but it does not have to be. Depression is a state of mental being, it is more physical than emotional but it often expresses itself emotionally. To be more precise, the outward expressions of depression tend to be more emotional than physical. This makes it far too easy to equate depression with emotions and forget the very real physical changes that lie behind the situation.
It's easy to look at a person who lost something dear to them and say "it makes sense that they are sad". It's much harder to look at a person, see the wild vagaries of hormonal imbalances hidden away inside and say, "it makes sense that you are depressed". Instead we see the outward manifestation of emotions, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and we say "this makes no sense! you have no reason to be sad! or hopeless! or angry! Go put your pants on and get outside! Suck it up, chica!"
We are visual creatures, we need to see things in order to understand them, but more importantly, we are experiential creatures. We learn by experience and then we create rich and varied databases of information and understanding based on our experiences. We also have amazingly advanced frontal lobes on our brains that allow us to simulate situations based on input AND our experience related databases. What the hell does that mean? It means that we can look at someone who is sad and pull in all the data about their situation and then pull in data from similar experiences we have had and run simulations to better understand what's going on.
Claire is sad. I will look at Claire and talk to her and determine that she is sad, her boyfriend did not like the pie she made! I will pull that data in and then I will add my own experiences: I have also made things people did not like. I have also been sad. I have direct connections in my own experiences between being sad and people not liking things that I have offered.
Result: Claire's sadness makes sense to me. I can relate.
or
Jim is hopeless. Jim just got a new car and has a nice butt. I have felt hopeless. I have also gotten a new car, but I've never really had a nice butt. I have never felt hopeless after getting a new car. If I run a simulation of me having a nice butt I cannot come to the conclusion that I would feel hopeless.
Result: Jim's hopelessness does not make sense to me. I cannot relate.
The flaw in the simulation is that we do not take into account the relevant factors. We're feeding the wrong data into the brain simulators and therefore the results can only be incomplete at best.
History and literature and anecdotes are FILLED with stories of those people struck hard by fate who just 'kept going' despite it all. Bad parents, industrial accidents, malevolent societies, none of that could bring the hero down. On the other hand, there are an equal number of historical and literary figures that seemed to "have it all" and yet still could not find comfort or happiness.
To make matters worse, many societies see this sort of disparity as a form of moral failure. If you have been 'blessed' with such favor and still you are sad it can only mean you do not fully appreciate it and are ungrateful.
Clinical depression is one of those things that even the experts don't have a firm grasp on. It's slippery and confusing and amazingly inconsistent from person to person. It can stem from experiences or childhood traumas or not. Some people are helped by talk therapy, others by SSRIs, and some people struggle for years and never find solace.
I write all this because it is an issue that cuts close to the bone with me. I have an amazingly excellent life. I have a boyfriend that loves me and is patient and kind to me. I have a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I have two great dogs, one of which contributes to this very column. I am blessed with wonderful friends, people say I am smart and funny and I like to think that is true. On the other hand, the biological family I grew up in until I was an early teen was terrifying and unbearable. I carry the scars both physically and emotionally from that. I have struggled my entire life with depression, at times it has been crippling. Some people have said, "well, it makes sense that you would be depressed considering your childhood" and other have said, "but that's over and done. You need to focus on the now and stop wallowing"
The answer is somewhere between those two statements and it exists independent of them as well.
]]>It started in June. The signs should have been obvious, but they passed me by. There was my birthday and I refused all attempts at a party. I love a good party. I loved a good party. In June I would have none of it. Whatever tenuous grip I had on normalcy was lost in June and I spent the summer spiraling deeper and deeper.
I was drowning and I could feel it and my few attempts to kick up to the surface were feeble distractions at best. Then came September. The spiraling stopped, I settled onto the bottom and I found comfort there.
I could feel it, that growing complacency, that urge to let go the final lungful of air. But I am lucky, very lucky. That part of my brain that never fucking shuts up, that part of my brain that will not let me rest, the part of my brain that eats at me would not stop screaming. It woke me up, reminded me that this was wrong. That I have an obligation to those around me.
So, one afternoon, alone in my bedroom, I composed the email. I had been sending out occasional updates to friends and family, a way to let them know that my lack of communication came from a real issue, but hey, everything was going to be okay. Right? This was not that email. I chose a tighter circle of recipients and I wrote. It was the hardest thing I had done in a very long time. This was the nakedly honest email, this was me revealing my shame. This was not the "Hi, I have problems, let me tell you a joke and don't worry, I will be okay" this was the far more humiliating, "hi, i have problems and there is no joke to be had and I am not going to be okay."
I struggled and fought in that email, I could not find the words. My words are me, they are the tiny building blocks with which I build the representations of all that I am. For the past year the words were not correct. I was failing myself with unintentional misdirection. I found it was almost impossible for me to craft sentences or paragraphs that built a picture that asked for help. Over and over the words that came out expressed the state I was in but hurriedly also created a framework of comfort for the reader. "Do not worry" it was like I could not control my fingers and it was all I could type.
It took amazing effort but I managed to send out the truest email I could. Help me. My ship is sinking. I am not okay. Worry about me.
I hate being helpless. I am the one that helps. It is my job. I help. It is my soul and my function and my core. How can I ask for help? Do I even deserve to burden those around me with such requests? It's one thing to be overwhelmingly depressed but it is quite another to hit that stage of acceptance.
Acceptance. No more depression, no more sadness, no more overwhelming struggles. You hit the stage of acceptance and you're done. Your life is laid out before you, all things are clear and you accept them, you say thank you, and you check out. I knew how close I was to acceptance and I knew that once I fell into it, it would be a matter of days before I parked my car at the end of the Ford Bridge and said "Thank you" for the time I was allotted.
I could not let that happen. I wanted to, oh believe me, I did want to, but that part of my brain that never lets me rest, oh she did scream at me. I could not rest until I asked for help.
The response was overwhelming and now I am able to write this. The honesty is scary, but the reality was scarier.
I am not "better", not by a long shot. I do not feel "better". Everyday I struggle because every single day I know that "Acceptance" is still just around the corner.
I have a therapist now, someone who understands me better than the last one did. It gives me hope, it sheds some light in the tunnel so I can find my way forward. I have the support of my friends and family, each one contributing valuable pieces to the puzzle. I have David, my immensely patient David. He should have run long ago, but there he is. He loves me.
I write this not for sympathy or to be all "emo". I write this to put an honest face on something so stigmatized. I write this so that you might see that even those that seem "okay" can struggle and fall. I didn't have to write this. It would have been as easy to write something from Chester or share a recipe or rant on about politics. Those are comfortable masks for me. Those words come fast and cheap for me. These words that I wrote are true work.
I am not better, I am still broken. I do not want to give the impression that with a few giant steps the world will become an easier place. Life is not a sitcom, so easily wrapped up after a wacky struggle. I am honest about this because I know there are so many others out there, stigmatized and struck silent by this insidious disease and I do not want to lead them astray. More importantly, I do not want them to see a miracle where there is none. There will be no false portrayal of a cure, no sharing of an easy fix that does not exist. There is nothing easy about swimming your way back to the surface, but that doesn't mean you can't try.
My name is Chester and I am The dog that is the dog that is the lady's dog! But also the lady has a dog that is Maddie! This is true. But I am not Maddie! NO! Maddie is a doofus and I am handsome, and that makes me Chester!
You can tell that I am Chester because I am so handsome and Maddie is standing there like a doofus hippohead
Okay! SO! Something very very sad happened! This is true. Sad! My name is Chester and I am a good boy. This is true! But something happened this week that was not a thing that a good boy should do and I got very sad and scared. Maddie and me and the lady were playing "Captain RoundyButt's good time Harfuffle Festival" on Monday and the lady did the thing that was knock me down and that is not sad because sometimes the games we play are of knocking down. But when she knocked me down I said a thing that was "grubble grubble" and Maddie got very upset because she does not like when the lady gets grubbled at. But then I got scared! I had scarednesses because when I was a very little I lived with dogs that were very big and mean to me and my brother Archie (who now lives with other people who do not do meannesses to him like the lady and the man do not do meannesses to me!). But I had so many scarednesses that I did snapteeth at Maddie and she get more upset because she knows you cannot do snapteeth by the lady and she tried to make me stop! and I got more scarednesses and she got more upsets.
and I bit her and I bit the lady!! I had to hide under the bed because I was so sad and scared and upset. and the lady kept doing the thing that was tell me to come out and get a treat but I did not do the thing that was believe her because I knew the thing that was that she was going to put me in the garbage can!
There were so many upsets and Maddie had to go away for a whole day and when she came back she had strings on her face and she was tired and sad and the lady had 14 worries and the man was very quiet. But the thing that is true is that I did not get put in the garbage can! The lady did not have any madnesses at me at all! She hugged me and told me I was still her little MonkeyMan and 12munts-chickenpunts.
But then...she gave me a bath.
And today she said the thing that was I'd better start doing the thing that was working off the thing that was called a vet bill! I have too many scarednesses of the vacuum and I am too short to reach the thing that is the sink and I don't have thumbs so I can't do a thing that is broom the floor! So I have to do this thing that is answer the questions again!
Hi Chester,
My name is Koa and I'm a 1 year old Yellow Labrador Retreiver. I love my person very much but feel a little sad when she knits too much. Some days she gets home from work and I'm SOOOO excited to be with her. She takes me for a bit of a walk -glorious, then sits on the couch (Where I'm NOT allowed) with her hands busy knitting. Can you believe it?! I can't even make eye contact with her, she pushes me away when I nudge her elbow and lick her hands. She won't let me help her by holding the ball of wool in my mouth. Finally I sigh dramatically and lie down on her legs. She thinks she can make it up to me by rubbing my tummy with her feet. Yeah right! That's just not good enough! What do you do when this happens Chester?
Sincerely,
GIVE ME MORE!
HI HI HI hi hiHIHIhi!
Oh my god! you are not allowed on the couch?? That is 12 terrible sadnesses! this is a thing that I know because I am allowed on the couch (except the lady calls it a sofa because she is a doofus)! Are you allowed on the thing that is the bed? I am allowed on the bed and I would have so many sadnesses if I could not go on the bed!
The lady does the thing that is crochet which I think is like the thing that is knitting except is the thing the lady does.
But you are 1 years old! that is a thing that is still a little! You are a little! Littles have importances that are play times. I am 3 years old and not a little but still I have importances that are play times! I have to go to the place that is the Dog Park and I have to do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!! and CHASE CHASE and sometimes I have to do ROLL ROLL ROLL on things that have gooooood smells! This is true!
You need this too. Do you want to know the thing that is the thing that I do? I do the thing that is be crazytimes! I grubblerun around the house, I jump on the lady, I BARK BARK BARK!!! and finally the lady says the thing that is "that's it, I'm taking you to the place that is the dog park and running you to the thing that is exhausted!" and I get to go to the dog park! and you should too!.
dear chester,
how did you get to be so smart? i know you are smart cause you know stuffs and you are chester. did you eat the smart pills from taipei bunny's cage? how do get to be as smart as you?
not as smart as chester
HIHI HIhihiHIH HIHIIhIHIH
Smartnesses! I have the things that are smartnesses! I remember taipei bunny! and the smartnesses! But I don't know about where the smartnesses cam from! The lady says it is because I am Rat Terrier and that I like to do the thing that is solve problems, but also the lady says the Beagle of me tempers the smartnesses. But she also says the thing that smartnesses are the thing that is creepy! But I don't know about that because I am only Chester!
Dear Chester,
I am a cat named Giacomo (after Giacomo Casanova) and I am the prettiest cat in the world. I live in an apartment with my cat friend Winky and a lady. I have a small problem. When I was little, I used to like to hump things, but before I went to live with the lady, they took me to the vet and "fixed me". Then I stopped wanting to hump things.
Well, my friend Winky still likes to hump things! Including me! But I know he has been "fixed" too, because I sniffed his butt, and it smells fixed. I am the boss kitty, and I don't like being humped all of the time! It is simply undignified. When the lady is home, sometimes she makes him stop..but the lady isn't home all of the time. How do I make Winky stop humping me?
Giacomo.
HI HI HIHIHI hihihiHIHIhihi!
HA HA HA CATS ARE THE THING THAT IS FUNNY!
Humpcats are SO FUNNY!!! Hahahaha!! Oh my god! I should tell the dogs at the place that is the dog park about humpcats! I bet they would think it was funnier than my other jokes! Like my joke about how the man picks UP my poop. OH MY GOD the dogs laugh so much when I say that one.
HUMPCATS!!
HA HA HA HA!!!!
Sometimes I like to do the thing that is hump maddie even though the vet did the thing that was make me fixed but I know that Maddie is the thing that is the boss of the pets (and the lady is the boss of us) but I like to do humps on Maddie and Maddie does the thing that is knock me down. and we play a game and run and she does the thing that is knock me down.
You should knock down the Winky!
HUMPCATS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
My name is Beans, and my sister (Buster) and I are Fox Terriers. Our favourite pass-time is chasing things. Last weekend a very small kitten (maybe 8 human weeks old?) was tottering along our fence and invaded (fell into) our yard. My sister and I immediately gave chance, and my human screamed a lot and called for her husband.
Much chasing ensued, and eventually I pinned down the kitten. Turns out they are very sharp and I couldn't really get very close to it before my human snatched away the kitty, and her husband snatched away me. Buster was still yapping and running around their feet.
The kitten was scared (for some reason) and tried to get away from my human by biting her very hard on the finger and on her arm (as I said - turns out they are very sharp). My human got to the fence and put the kitty over, despite suffering lots of bites.
Buster and I continued to run around madly yapping in the yard (while my human sat gibbering in a bleeding mess) until we got locked in the house. It was an exciting event and my human has some nice bruises and had to get some shots from the human vet.
Since then Buster and I have been doing lots of kitty border patrols shifts along the fence line and making sure we do extra barks just in case the kitty is thinking about coming back for round two.
But here's the problem - even though I would normally bark madly at anything from a bird to an imaginary bird, my human jumps and panics every time I bark because she thinks the kitten is back.
Should I bark less until my human has healed both mentally and physically (they are pretty good bruises and scratch marks)? Or is keeping the border safe from kitten invasions more important?
Sending you lots of woofs and licks,
Beans
HIHIHhihihIHIHI
Hi Beans!
Oh my god! The scarednesses! I know about the scarednesses! The scarednesses are a thing that are funny but not funny like poop jokes but funny like weird. I used to have scarednesses when I was a little because of biggers that were mean to me. But now there are no biggers that are mean to me, only nice, but still I have scarednesses sometimes. Is a thing that happens. The lady says the thing that is the brain does the things that are associations of things from times of scarednesses so that when they happen again the brain can tell the body to run away from the thing making the scary! this is a thing she says that makes it okay to survive. But she said that sometimes the brain does the job too good.
You did the thing that was BARKBARKBARK at the little and that is the thing that you do. and the lady did the thing that was rescue the little because it is the thing she does. and the little did the thing that was be afraid and do the defendings because that is what littles do! and now the ladys brain did the thing that says "if the dog does the thing that is BARKBARKBARK then a little will do painfuls on me and I will bleed and be sad!"
You should not do the thing that is BARKBARKBARK so much! HA HA HA!! I say this!! HA HA HA!! but the lady tells me not to bark so much but every day the MAILMAN!! OH MY GOD!!! THE MAILMAN!!! the mailman HE COMES TO MY HOUSE!!! and I hat ethe mailman SO MUCH!!!!! and I do not just do the thing that is barking at him but I am the YELLING I HATE YOU MAILMAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
STUPID MAILMAN!
Hey Chester,
Do you like to play games? Does your lady play games with you? My bestest game is fetch. My mister finds a hair doody that my sister leaves laying all around and flips it in the air, or across the room, or anywhere, sometimes even under the cold food box thingy. it is hard to dig it out from there. Then I, smart cat that I am, fetch it! it is lots of fun.I bring it back to the mister and drop it so he can flip it again and again and again. I never get tired. What kinds of games do you play with your lady?
Skitz
PS My lady loves to read about Chester.
HIBIHHIHIhihiHIHI
HI
I love to play games!! The lady likes to play a game called Captain RoundyButt where she tries to do the thing that is pinch my butt! But the thing that is the game is that she does the thing that is go SO SLOW to the place that is my RoundyButt that I am made CRAZY!! and I am so crazy that I fall down and roll on my back and go HOWFHOWFHOWF and still she goes SO SLOW to my RoundyButt and I can't STAND IT and I jump up and run around and around and then I come back BUT THEN!!! SHe goes SO SLOW at my butt!!! and I fall down again!!!
We also play the game of JUMPRUN!! Where the lady stands very still and she does the thing that is ignore me for a long time and then I do the thing that is believe she does not pay any attentions but then she JUMPS and YELLS and I am the thing that is SO SURPRISED that I run is a GIANT CIRCLE but my butt runs faster that my body and gets under me!
Also the lady does a thing where she puts a treat somewhere and I have to find it and get it. this is a game with many hardnesses to it because sometimes it is not easy to know the way to get the treat and sometimes I will try one way to get the treat but it won't work and I have to do a thing that is try a different way! The lady says this is a good kind of game for me because it does the exercisements of my brains. She says I have many brains and I get the thing that is all looped up if I don't do brain things.
Maddie doesn't do brain things for games. The lady says that Maddie has other jobs in her brain. Maddie is a doofus! The only thing in her brains are the things that are "Keep the lady safe" and "Is the lady safe?" and sometimes "harfuffle!"
Okay! Goodbye is the thing now! Because I am Chester and I have some tirednesses. The lady says this is enough of the workings for me today but tomorrow I will have to do the workings that are wash her car!!
]]>Well, as some of you may have heard, the house we were all excited about was a bust. poo. The "newer roof" was actually an incorrectly installed roof that was and is continually channeling water into the exterior walls. The problems had not been evident as it had been a pretty dry summer. But then it rained...and rained and rained and rained and there it was, water every where. And so, we keep looking.
As for the trip to Madeline Island, it was wonderful. We could not have picked a nicer time to be there, the weather was perfect, there was much to do and see and there was also much time for relaxing and pretending the world did not exist. The dogs had a great time running around chasing geese, playing with other dogs at the beach and Chester went canoeing twice.
So let's see what's on the plate this week...
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I just got engaged and I'm super excited! We're still in the beginning stages of planning, but I've already hit a sensitive issue (I'm sure it won't be the first).
You see, the problem is with my best friend. We've talked about wedding plans before and I've always said I only want my sister to be a bridesmaid. I love the idea of just having one attendant and it works perfectly because my fiancé will only have a best man.
My best friend always seems happy with my decision until just a couple weeks ago. Now she seems a little sad that I do not want her to be a bridesmaid. I love her dearly and want her to feel included. Do you have any advice on how I could make her feel like part of my plans without adding her to the wedding party?
Signing,
Already Stressed-out Bride
Dear ASoB,
Ah weddings! weddings! I have opinions about weddings! Let's talk about weddings and traditions and people and personalities and maybe have some cake when it is all over.
What is a wedding ceremony? I mean at its most basic level, what is it? It's a public declaration between two people entering into a contract of personal obligation with one another. Simple. So you take this foundation and you add things to it. You outline the expectations and the rules (no cheating, you still have to like me when my butt is fat). You connect it to faith and belief in order to make the bond even stronger.
Then there is tradition. Where do we get all these traditions? Most traditions are symbolic, they represent belief or emotions or intent, they express a state of being (white dress - purity) etc. But where do they come from. As with most traditions they come from those that came before us. We look to previous generations, find people that embody ideals that we respect and look up to and we try to emulate them. Now, I've heard no less that 10billion completely different and contradictory legends regarding the advent of the bridal party or the term "honeymoon" or white = purity or the symbolism of the wedding rings or whatever. But what all of it boils down to is that it started SOMEWHERE and was repeated to the point of being expected. We engage in these actions without understanding their meaning. They become independent of their roots and evolve into something else.
And then, a few generations later, everyone has an opinion about what you need to do to do it "right" or "correctly" and nobody stops to consider the very basis of the ceremony: a public declaration of two people entering into a contract of personal obligation with one another. My advice to every single person getting married and getting stressed out is to stop everything and take a moment to ponder on this. Really stop to think about the point of the wedding ceremony and through that, find some clarity.
But here's the thing with weddings, they are huge envymakers! Here's this couple, two people who have found love which is enough to cause envy (and unfortunately, a lot of jealousy as well), and on top of all that love, they get to have an entire afternoon or weekend or week devoted to THEM and people paying attention to THEM! and they get to be the center of all the attention and everyone will be looking at them! It's a powerful thing! It draws the most unexpected responses from people you've known for years. Subconsciously, and without even realizing it, your friends and family will start turning into those people who compulsively stand behind reporters on the street and make faces into the camera. Or think of it another way, you know when you know someone who becomes famous and you are able to say, "oh yeah! I totally know her!" and you get that attention from the people who like the famous person but can't get to them? You get your own little slice of the spotlight.
Your friend wants her own slice of the spotlight. She probably has no idea that's what's going on, she probably just wants to be part of your special day because she loves you, but like I said, weddings do nutty things to people.
If it is important to you that you only have your sister as your attendant, then stick to your guns. On the other hand, if fighting this will cause you and your beloved to lose sight of what is really important (focusing on each other and committing to each other) then find a way to roll with it. Basically, what you have to do is make sure that every decision you make about your ceremony does not fall away that very central idea.
Now, your friend can participate in so many ways without being up at the altar with you. I think the one role that will garner her the most spotlight attention without her being up there is to have her plan and throw the shower or bachelorette party (or whatever variation on that theme you choose, there's just as much blind tradition with those as there is with weddings). And certainly you need someone to go dress shopping with you, as well as cake tasting, flower buying, seating diagramming and all that. There are 14,000 ways in which a person can be involved without being up front at that crucial moment.
And remember, a real friend is going to respect your decisions and understand that this is YOUR day, not hers.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
How does one know one's sexuality? I have a wonderful boyfriend of 2+ years that I love and whose bones I very much enjoy jumping, but I find myself casting longing glances at girls from time to time. For example, today I was browsing patterns and came across the Rav profile page of an extremely cute lesbian knitter, and I was seriously tempted to send her a message. I also had a huge crush on a female friend of mine (straight-I think) off and on for several years. I am happy with my boyfriend and our relationship, but I still find myself lusting after girls, and fantasizing about having an affair with one.
I want to settle this in myself so that I am no longer experiencing this dilemma-and I want to do it without leaving my guy. Should I just begin a secret flirtation/hook-up with a girl just to get it out of my system? (Although I'm not sure how I would meet someone to have that with) Or am I just driving myself crazy for no good reason, and should I just forget the whole thing and be content with having a good man? I have never even had a good friendship with another female, so dating one is probably out of my reach, eh? What is going on with me, and what do I do?
Signed,
-To be or not to be (gay)
Dear Tbontb(g),
When I was in first or second grade we had a series of lessons that boiled down to "it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside that counts". Basically, we learned that things like race and gender and heir color or whatever didn't matter. We were to look inside a person and look at their personalities. This caused me much consternation. Up to that point it had not ever occurred to me that gender or race were things that WOULD make a difference, but if they were telling us this then there much be a reason and I started observing things. Race relations were hard to observe in semi-rural 1970's Minnesota, but I had television and I think I drove my parents batty trying to determine the difference between 'black' and 'white' and 'how come they look more brown than black and why am I pinkish and is Dionne Warwick 'black'? or 'brown'? or something completely new, 'TAN'????'
And then there was gender. I'd never considered the possibility that someone might think i could not do something because I was a girl. This was odd. Of course I was really only beginning to have a real understanding of what it meant to be 'girl' or 'boy' beyond that each of us kids seemed to fall into one category or the other.
But there it was, laid out on my worksheet in black and white and crayon (must have been first grade), gender relations! That was the first moment I realized that I'd only seen men and women married. That did seem odd. I swear to god if you were in that classroom you could have heard the gears clicking in my head! If it doesn't matter what is on the outside then wouldn't it make sense that girls might marry girls and boys might marry boys as often and girls married boys? click click click whirrrrr clunk!
That afternoon I learned not to ask those questions a second time.
But anyway, as I grew up the questions still plagued me and as i came into my sexual development I found that I was as attracted to girls as I was to boys. Society being what it is, I knew to keep things quiet on that front, but also I did go through a LOT of questioning and wondering and worrying and self-anger and finally true acceptance when I was about 19.
How did I know for sure? Lots and lots and lots of time spent thinking and pondering, questioning my assumptions and motives, double checking my rationales.
So what should you do? Most importantly I want to make clear to you that I will not give you or anyone else permission to have a secret hook up, no matter your intent. Period. You will only cause more trouble than you will solve. Instead I want you to rethink your ideas about expressing your sexuality. Bisexuality is not about fence-sitting, indecision or greed (wanting sex with multiple people to fulfill both 'needs'). Being bisexual means that a person's gender plays less of a role in finding a mate than it would in hetero- or homo- sexuality. This is not to say that gender doesn't make a difference. I'm 36, I have experience with both genders and I can tell you with absolute certainty that dating men is very different than dating women, but you learn to love and cherish those differences in the same way you would accept the differences between say your first boyfriend and your third boyfriend.
I know you want to 'find out' and 'settle this' but cheating on your boyfriend, regardless of your inner justifications, will poison your relationship (and frankly, all it will do is feed the misconception that bisexuals always cheat).
On the other hand, perhaps after a talk with your boyfriend, you both can agree on a situation in which you go out and explore this part of yourself. There are a million things that need to be considered before you enter into this. I don't have the space to hit them all here, but feel free to write again if that comes up.
So, lets say you find yourself single and ready to meet a lady. What are to Dos and Don'ts here? Be honest. Be very very very honest. Make sure that any lady you attempt to date understands that you are CURIOUS about your sexuality, that you have questions and you are still in a phase of self discovery. Like in any dating situation, it is never awesome to invest time and emotion into a situation that ends with "oh, yeah, you were an experiment but I guess i was wrong". There is a definite population in th gay community that has been burned by the 'bi-curious'. Secondly, be honest with yourself. Don't force yourself to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable simply because you think you should or you feel obligated. Thirdly, run RUN in the opposite direction of anyone who claims that they can "change you" or make you never want a guy again or whatever. Nothing good comes from someone who thinks they hold such amazing powers as to crystallize another's sexuality (though, to be honest, I have gone on dates with a couple people that made me never ever want to play that side of the fence ever again).
And lastly, know this, sometimes during the maturing phase of female sexuality things become very elastic. Evolutionarily speaking, sex for females has a lot more to do with emotional comfort and stability and being attracted to and having sex with other women can help fulfill those needs in an entirely non-threatening way. It is sometimes derisively looked down upon as "college lesbianism" which is too bad because it is a very logical expansion of a natural urge.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended about 2 weeks ago. This is upsetting and sad, but I'm dealing with it.
What I'm actually writing you about is that today I got an instant message from a guy I've known for a few years (my former S.O. and I actually lived with him for a couple of those years, moving out a year ago) and am friends with, but not very close. He sent the IM to proposition me for casual sex. To paraphrase, he said "We're both single and adults, how about some casual sex? I'm not being weird, I haven't been pining at you from afar. How about it?"
It really, really bothered me. I have no interest in sleeping with him. Partly because of the selfish, dickish way he behaved when my former S.O. and I stopped living with him which really damaged my trust in him (he acted like we were maliciously creating a huge financial problem for him, when we just about handed him a new roommate on a silver platter), and partly because he is not to my taste, and largely because the last thing I want right now is to sleep with someone who isn't completely and totally into me.
It's really hard for me to not interpret his message as "I'm not really attracted to you, but I'm self-centered and horny... so do you wanna fk me?"
I replied to him with "I'm not into casual sex."
So now I'm all surprised and offended and grossed out. I feel like I'm over reacting, but I don't know how to change my reaction. I have a lot of group social activities with this guy and have been working to not still be irritated over the way he acted during the moving out thing a year ago.
I don't want another reason to be irritated with him, and I'm pretty sure he has no clue what a can of worms he opened. What should I do? Am I over reacting?
Signed,
Not Rebounding into That
Dear NRiT,
You did exactly what was right for you, you have no reason to change your reaction. Period.