It's what I would do
If I had a penis...
When I die and my life flashes before my eyes I am going to pay attention and see just how many conversations I have started with "if I had a penis..." I bet it's a lot.
If I had a penis, an uncircumcised penis, I would get it tattooed. Oh yes, it would hurt but it would be totally worth it. I would get it tattooed to look like a turtle, the shell and legs on the shaft, pull the foreskin back and put a happy little turtle head and face right up there in the front. Maybe a box turtle or a painted turtle, I don't know yet.
I would set myself down in front of the tv (I don't own a tv but if I'm going to go through the trouble of having a penis and tattooing that penis I'd probably be willing to spring for a tv and also cable) in my complete nudity suit. Then I would flip back and forth between porn and C-Span. Back and forth.... rubbery sexy times.... live broadcast of the House ways and means committee... silicon bounce bounce bounce... filibuster fever... insincere excitement... insincere outrage....
Back and forth I would go and there it would be, my little turtle penis poking his head out and then back in. Back and forth, in and out, he would look at the world with great interest and then run and hide. Bwoop! Turtle comes out, turtle goes in, turtle comes out, turtle goes in.
It would only work for a little while. Eventually I would just end up with a messed up fetish issue. "I'll be Lincoln! You be Douglas! Let's debate ALL NIGHT LONG!!!" Then I would try to serve 2 terms in sexual congress.