some stuff happened two weeks ago, people have been asking for explanations or details or whatever. This is the best I can do right now.
I went crazy, as a result I lost my job.
In a nutshell (ha! I'm so punny) that's the most distilled version. The longer version is still being worked out.
I've been actively fighting demons in my head since I was about 10. That's 25 years of fighting, and the last seventeen of those years have been actively hiding the worst of the worst from the world. It's exhausting, really really exhausting. Eventually, all of my mental strength was being used on keeping everything seeming normal. I could not do anything else, like work.
This has not been an easy time, obviously. I do not have the words to describe what David means to me. I've shared this story before, but I will tell it again as it accurately describes the person David is for me when I need him.
A couple summers ago, David and I were down in New Orleans. One day we took a ferry out to Ship Island in the Gulf to spend the day at the beach. There were porpoises and this big crab and some jellyfish. Very quickly, a thunderstorm rolled in and everyone cleared the beach. The safety ranger dude told us we would be safe in the water so long as the lightning did not come close to us. We could not pass up the opportunity to swim alone in the ocean, especially with such a beautiful storm just close enough.
As we swam farther and played I noticed that my feet could no longer touch the bottom, I was too short. I also noticed that David was holding me. He held me and did the swimming so that I only had to lean back and relax. I could enjoy the buoyancy of the ocean and the display in the sky and he held me there.
And that is David. He is not one that says "I'm going to rescue you" or "look at what I am doing for you". You just slowly realize that when you needed him most, he was already there; that he will hold your head above the water not to be a hero, but because he loves you.
I am more than lucky to have him. I do not know where I would be right now if not for him.
As for my brain? Well, we're aggressively upping my meds, I have a psychiatrist and a therapist and I can check myself into the hospital as soon as I need to. Do I know about current popular NYT bestselling book on beating the crazies or current popular Oprah guest who specializes in making you not crazy or current popular herbal supplement that cures crazy? No, I probably don't, but please don't bug me with it. I am an ardent believer in science and will stick with those things that are proven by accepted scientific standards to be effective. I'm not saying this to be a dick (though if I wanted to be a dick I probably could given that I'm crazy and all) it's just that...wait, you know what? I am a dick. I don't buy it. I just don't believe that cures come in "Currently Popular" or "Bestselling" packages.
Anyway, my health and well being are being monitored. I am taking my medicines and seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist's boss.
Will I get better? There is no real "better" with this. It's not a scale on which we can measure things. Mostly, we are shooting for fighting the demons so that I will once again be able to function as an adult. I do not know how long that will take.
I do not write this to worry people or to gather sympathy or words of encouragement. I write this simply to be informative. Also, apparently, there is much anger amongst my former co-workers. Being that not much information was given out initially, rumors filled the open spaces. I can assure all my friends at MCAD that I was not a sacrificial lamb thrown on the alter of some higher conspiracy. Seriously, there are so few people in this world who can create and maintain an awesome conspiracy and those people just don't work at MCAD. It's just one of those things. Big conspiracies are hard to do and if you are really good at them you could be doing better than a little art college in the midwest of course.
I won't write much more on the topic here. Writing this allows me to mention being home in the middle of the day n a Tuesday without people saying "why aren't you at work?". I also just wanted to answer many questions in one jab instead of individually.
Otherwise, you know what? things are going to be okay because I own a frilly pink dress
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