The Velvet Cerebellum

This is a post about yarn and crochet. If yarn and crochet are not your thing or if you are bored hearing about yarn and crochet you will not want to read this. You might, however, want to look at this.

I got to leave work early today to go yarn shopping! You know it's a good day when you can do that.

Before I left, a certain...someone...emailed to tell me that Borealis had a new shipment of Smooshy in stock. Sigh, it's so soft and beautiful. Also, it's $21.50 a skein and I need at least 4 but probably 5 to make a no frills sweater for me. I controlled myself. Kind of.

I met my stepmom at Borealis. She got there a little before me and since she knew what she was getting she managed to be a much more efficient shopper than I was. Also, I spent about twenty minutes rolling nude in the Smooshy.

I picked up 2 balls of Sockotta, 2 balls of Trekking XXL, and 2 balls of Opal. You do not want to know what this cost.

The Sockotta and Trekking I got in sets of contrasting colorways for a stranded mitten idea in my head (mmmm my head). Plain black and plain grey for the Opal, this will be used for Owen's scarf (this is the 3rd or 4th yarn purchase for the scarf. I think I'm being too picky about it!).

We went next store to the coffee shop to work on our projects and get a bite to eat. I started my grandfather's mittens. I'm very pleased with the pattern I came up with last night. Unfortunately, I don't think I have enough for a matching hat, but I'll work something out.

Later we had indian food and I finished the first mitten and started making gauge swatches for Owen's scarf and blah blah blah awesome! CROCHET! AWESOME.

Pictures tomorrow! I promise. I need to sleep now.

Posted by Heather at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

April and Keith, being awesome, procured for me a copy of the show about Jessica the Hippo. These people are living my dream. They have a tame pet hippo! I mean I know they act like they've been hands off and allowed her to be as wild as she wants, but wild hippos don't want to be hand fed sweet potatoes and get full body massages every night. Mostly wild hippos want to kill your face. And then shit on it when they're done.

Jessica chills with puppies, doesn't want to eat healthy food, breaks into the house and busts the bed all up. The people who live with Jessica....dang man, that's the dream. Perfect hippo, hippo in the house, a yard with a hippo in it, a hippo that licks puppies!

I'm trying to figure out what sort of karma points I need to build up to get my own awesome hippo. Should I travel back in time and shoot Hitler? Eat 14 bowls of Cheerios in a row? Swallow an eel? Get "your mom" tattooed on my ass with an arrow pointing at my crack?

Please!!!! What do I have to do to get a hippo? My own hippo?

Posted by Heather at 9:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

Last night David and I were at a post-thanksgiving party (which was our actual thanksgiving since we decided to lay low this year) hosted by Pablo (Pablo of the cereal parties). I love going to Pablo's parties because you meet the interesting mix of people.

We played Simpson's Clue, ate copious amounts of snack food, made inappropriate penis references in front of Pablo's mom and tried to keep Moses, the very determined viszla from eating all the party food.

Later, David and I were talking to Amy and we got to the part where we exchanged emails. She recognized my name. I wasn't too surprised, it's a pretty common name and I am sure the Heather Ward army will rise up (with me as their leader) and we will have our revenge... but anyway. We tried to figure out how she knew me. I couldn't really contribute how I knew her as I had watched her on stage a number of times. It's not like I could be like "ooooh, right right, you're the one that talked about crocheting yarmulkes! I remember you!".

The questions started, I offered up where I had worked, things I did, possible drunken bacchanalia where I might have been seen face down under a coffee table...

"Did you used to be a lesbian?"

People have asked me all kinds of peculiar things (does this make me look fat? how you be so short? what's this growth on my back?) but I'm pretty sure this is the first time I got that one. Granted, I've been asked a number of times "I thought you were a lesbian" (bi, people, bi!), but not "did you used to be a lesbian?"

Yes! (bi) we were amazed. It cemented things, it made it all clear...wait, no. We determined that she must have known me from something since it's not often people peg me as a reformed lesbian (I'M BI! dammit).

At least she's pleasant and charming, I've had a number of "don't I know you from somewhere" moments where I've been forced to be deaf and unable to speak english!

Time for coffee and ice cream!

Posted by Heather at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

this is what the middle of my forehead looks like: )|(

I make gauge swatches, calculate my rows and stitches and inches. I check and doublecheck. Then I sit down with my graph paper and my calculator and my notes and I make my pattern.

Then I sit down and start making it. 1/3 of the way through I notice that my tension is tighter than the gauge swatches and I'm getting 6 stitches to the inch instead of the 4.5 in the gauge swatch. what the hell? Rarely is my tension too tight (maybe I need to spend more time punching people?). I recalculate and redraw and replot and pull out the first attempt and start again. Not working.

Fuck.

So I think I'll grab a different project and measure the stitches so I can draw the pattern that goes with it. Smaller yarn, smaller hook and I'm consistently measuring 5 stitches per inch. Consistently, on every part. It's so clean and perfect the lining of the stitches. In fact, I never have gauge issues because my tension is always consistent, except NOW! What the hell?

And how the hell was I getting 4.5 stitches to the inch on the gauge swatch using worsted weight yarn and a size g hook when I am getting 5 stitches to the inch with sport weight on a size f? that's barely any difference. And then to be getting 6 stitches? fatter yarn, bigger hook and yet I can get more stitches per inch? aaaaaaagh.

Just to add to it, I was working on my sweater last weekend. it's worked as one piece from the bottom up. It's a bit clingy and I knew I would have to compensate for the boobage. Of course I'm feeling all chill and just add more stitches. When I go to measure I discover that I added 10 inches more than I needed to my boobline. It's not a big section to rip out and redo but I'm just frustrated so I haven't.

gah. I've just reached this point of dissatisfaction with the crochet and I don't know why. I need to find my calm blue ocean again....calm....blue....ocean...

Posted by Heather at 5:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

okay, this is my nerdy yarn question....

I am sickeningly in love with the Kauni multicolor yarn and the things you can do with it when you multistrand it. The thing is, even the softest baby alpaca and lambswool irritates my skin and leaves me with a red rash on my neck. The Kauni is an itchier wool yarn. I don't want to sound like a dick, but if I'm going to do a stranded sweater with an intricate design, I'm making it for me.

So, I keep throwing this question out there....I am looking for a softer yarn with looooooooong colorways (kauni seems to average about 45 yards per color before it changes to the next color. Compare this to sock yarn which gives you a color change every 12 to 24 inches). Long, long bright colorays in a DK or sport weight. Fingering weight would be the awesome, but I'm not picky. I did find a place online selling cones of yarn by the pound that I can dye myself, but I'm hoping to avoid dyeing for a little bit if I can.

If you know you will comment. IF you don't know you will send me...candies!

Posted by Heather at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

you know those guys who hit mid life, get all upset, buy hair plugs and a red convertible? you know the premise, middle age, waning penis, waning hair line, mounting regrets? Okay.

Robert Zemeckis. Easily one of the worst offenders of the mid life freak out or 'crisis' if you will. His 'crisis' seemed to have started earlier than most, but the premise is pretty much the same. His penis was waning, he started spending obnoxious amounts of dollars on excess and hair plugs a while ago. the thing with this sort of freak out related excessive spending of resources is that it all smacks of cheap desperation and mostly just makes everyone feel embarrassed for him.

Of course there will always be that group of people who think he's awesome.

The final sin and some recent news has sent my brain a-spinning with solutions. Robert, the next time you have the urge to dump too much money into another red convertible consider doing something more useful.

Take that money and donate it to the women of Saudi Arabia. Buy them guns, bullets and lessons so that the next time anyone even suggests that they be punished for being the victim of a brutal attack they can blow the balls off anyone who tries.

Then they can spread around the world helping their oppressed sisters.

Once we get that taken care of, they can sell the guns and donate the cash to another group. My suggestion would be a group that could create the universe's biggest megaphone and then take it back in time to send a message to W reminding him that even if a dude speaks English and maybe smells nice, he can still be a brutal anti-democracy dictator. On this final point I accept that we won't succeed. I know that no matter how many people can see that Musharraf is an international dink, Bush will still call him 'friend'. Dinks of a feather and all that I guess.

ah well, i'm off to amuse myself with yarn and hooks.....and brains

Posted by Heather at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

At about 9:30 this morning some aliens did that thing where they completely stop time so they can steal a body, finger the anus and drop it back off with no one the wiser (not even the aliens, because, really what are you going to learn from that). The thing is, they stole me. It totally sucked.

At about 9:30am they stopped time and whisked me away to their ship. After they were done with my butt (La Luna Grande) they moved on to more insidious activities. The first order of business was to take an ice cold pick, all slender and silver, and jam it up my nose so that it would pierce both my spenoid sinus and my frontal sinus along with my eyeball. Then they removed random bits of my brain and put them in jars.

The final insult was when they took photos of my holey old underwear and posted them on craigslist.

After they set me down in my office chair I immediately felt the results of their meddlings. My butt was uncomfortable, I had a stabbing pain on the left side of my head and I could not follow or maintain conversations with anyone.

Also, I felt a little dirty in the underpantal area.

All day it was headache and slowness. The aliens did this to me.

Or, perhaps the answer could be found in the full mug of coffee that I forgot to drink this morning. Hard to say. But let this be a warning to you. If you start every day with lots of caffeine, you will die the day you miss it, and aliens don't want to 'learn' from us, or 'make contact'. They're just galactic bullies giving us the planetary wedgie.

Posted by Heather at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

I'm here, I'm fine. I appreciate everyone who took the time to check up on me. I needed it. I mostly spent the weekend sleeping, or trying to sleep or pretending to sleep or being crabby. I'm good at crabby.

In other crabby news

1) I could not possibly care any less than I do about the writer's strike. I just don't care. Yes, i am an avid supporter of unions, yes, I do believe that collective bargaining is what allows us to be humans at work and not donkeys 7 days a week. Sure, their issue is probably valid, what little I've heard of it sounds fine. I just don't care. At this point, I don't think anyone in hollywood, and I mean the vague hollywood that includes every damned thing on tv and in the movie theatres, should shut up about money until they start making things that don't suck so very hard. How many different television shows can there be about moody doctors with issues? moody detectives with issues? magical crime fighters that solve crimes with super tweezers and their issues? a wacky family with wacky kids and in laws that live near by?

And I figure it's just a matter of time before they make a Diff'rent Strokes movie. if we're really lucky, Will Smith will play Arnold.

2) I'm half way through my 3rd pirate hat. After this christmas I am never making another pirate hat again. Ever. It's not that they're hard, they're super easy, but I don't like making the same pattern over and over. There's just no challenge in it.

3) chester has entered into some sort of weird jealous phase. he's decided that he's the only one who can be by me. if maddie comes near, he growls. If maddie hears growling she's all, "is that growling on the heather? I better investigate and make sure she's safe!" and if she comes to investigate then chester is all, "didn't you hear me? this is my lady! stop trying to be the boss of me!" and maddie goes, "the growling on the heather is getting louder! OH MY GOD"

and this escalates a bit until Maddie gets too close and Chester jumps on her and they fight. Then maddie really gets freaked because now there is real danger on the heather and she must help and defend the heather from all danger! She she really goes at it and chester thinks she's really being a total dick for not only not leaving him alone but also for making him fight so he gets nuttier.

and none of it ends until I grab them and maddie accidentally bites me and I make them both go away.

on the other hand, thing are going better and I got to meet the famous KnitGrrl last week and we talked about art and penises and yarn and sex and gossip and old people and penises and once I touched her butt just so I could say I had. We went to the O'Keeffe show at the MIA...it was okay, only go if you are a member and it's free. Then we saw the Kahlo show at the Walker. I recommend this highly. I say pay whatever they ask. or go on thursday night when it is free and stand in the long line. whatever. just go. Actually, I might go back when it is less crowded and see it again.

more...real stuff...later.

Posted by Heather at 11:33 PM | Permalink

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

Tonight will mark one year since I last held you. One year since I fed you part of my turkey sandwich and half of my baby carrots. It's been a year and the pain does not lessen. It's been a year and all I want is for you to come back to me.

I love telling people your stories. I love telling them how awesome and charming you were. How I could deny you nothing, how you draped across my lap as I crocheted, how happy you were. You didn't think you were a person, you knew you were a dog and you absolutely loved being a dog. You loved the dog park, you loved belly rubs and hiking and sitting up for treats. Everyone loved you when they met you.

You were my child. Those with children might take offense at that, but it is the only way I can describe how I felt about you. I loved you unconditionally, I was so proud of everything you did. I talked about you incessantly and displayed your photos everywhere. Your absence is not just a void, but a wound dug from my chest and left gaping and unhealed.

I still forget you are not here. Sometimes I leave work and imagine you waiting for me. They only last a second or so, but every realization is like a kick in the gut.

Levi created a beautiful box in which to place your ashes, stinky dinosaurs and collars. Today, one year after you gasped and grew cold in my arms, I will place you in this box. A photo of you, one of you bounding joyously across the dog park with the sun shining on you will be in the frame on the outside of the box. It is you at your happiest and exactly how I want to remember you.

I love you my little fella, my Mofungus T. Humongous, my Crocodile Bob

My Ghengis.

h

Posted by Heather at 1:39 PM | Permalink

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

Today is the one year anniversary of Ghengis' death and the beginning of one of the most painful journeys I have ever traveled.

I do not have words. I just don't.

Posted by Heather at 7:52 AM | Permalink

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

Don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Especially don't go grocery shopping at 11pm on a Saturday night after you've spent the entire day doing but lazing in bed, crocheting, surfing the net or lazing...AND ESPECIALLY if all you've eaten all day is 1 box of candy hearts in español left over from last valentines day, some cashews and 4 shots of espresso over coffee ice cream.

We got some apples and bananas and pineapples...thus ended the reasonable portion of the trip. Prepackaged bbq ribs, 4 boxes of Hormel sausages with Tabasco, 1 pack of brats, 1 pack of cheddarwurst, 2 rope sausages, 5 pizzas, 2 boxes of cereal, 1 box of fudgesicles, 1 box of Kemps Float Bars, 2 kinds of croutons, a caramel apple (i wanted 2, David slipped on back into the bin. Grumpface), 5 packs of pudding cups, and...oh the shame...prepackaged iceberg lettuce!

this is why I am fat.

There used to be days where the conveyor belt was pretty much just squash and kale and zucchini and fennel and carrots and maybe a little pork roast for me. The worst thing we would buy would be the occasional box of mac and cheese or some ice cream. I've fallen so far! It was so easy too. I don't watch tv, i'm not constantly inundated with commands to shove "current popular processed cheese food flavor snack chip" in my mouth. I don't have to consider my placement in society based on my beverage purchase.

Hell, I don't even have the urge to cook anymore. Half the time I'm looking for something that will fit in my mouth and isn't fuzzy.

hmmmm maybe I should get a carbon monoxide detector...because something MUST be breaking my head.

Posted by Heather at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

When I was very young a neighbor girl, I thought she was much much older, but she was probably 12is, I wasn't quite 4 yet, was with me. We were looking through her fridge and I spied the ReaLemon awesome plastic lemon shaped lemon juice dispenser.
"what's that?"
"it's poison"

hmm, poison. I spent a lot of time mulling that over. I'm talking years spent thinking about this. Why would they sell poison in the produce section? why would they put poison in a food shaped container? Why would people need poison?

Where was the Mr Yuk sticker????

Around the same time I was told the bottle of Karo syrup in the cupboard was medicine. This also perplexed me, but to a lesser extent. Medicine wasn't strange, I could accept that. I was the kid who frequently climbed on the kitchen counter to chug the Pepto-Bismol. It was pink and awesome! Also, I had a sister who got frequent colds and ear infections, the children's prescription pink medicine...also chugged.

wait...Flintstone vitamins? eaten at every chance! Children's aspirin! AWESOME!! Vaseline? peculiar but edible. Bowls of mayonnaise? Not what I was expecting but better than Vaseline. Dish soap? NOT AWESOME!

Why did I have so much free time? I mean we didn't helicopter parents then, we were often left to play on our own. But, man, there was a lot of unstructured time there. I guess it's lucky I didn't overdose on something...I guess that's why we have helicopter parents now.

Posted by Heather at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

Yeah, as I mentioned before, got me a bladder infection. A whopper of a bladder infection. I will spare you the (intensely) gory details, but this is the second day I have not been to work because of the pain. The only thing that has really taken the pain away is Ambien, not because it is a painkiller but because it lets me sleep through the pain.

David brought me my meds last night, to be taken with food. I had already taken my Ambien and gone to bed. He woke me to take my pills and also gave me a piece of bread with peanut butter and def strawberry jam. I kept falling asleep and getting jam on my hand.

On the bright side I started and finished the Float Away for myself and started the Chanson en Crochet probably also for me, but I don't know yet. Today I will try to take pictures and get things posted.

I also made a prototype corset style coffee cup holder. I gave it to Mary on the condition that she try it out, give me notes on what needs to be changed and also see how much interest there is in it. I am also going to come up with some patterned coffee cup holders, most likely some with pirates (people love pirates) or swear words or something.

I need to go take my pills and lay down.

PS the doctor warned me that one of the meds would make my pee orange. Okay, cool. OH SHIT! I did not even comprehend the definition of ORANGE until today. It's like my bladder houses the cosmic orange color factory and is distributing the orange color to the world via my standard household plumbing! Every single thing in the universe, past-present-future, is getting its orange color from the cosmic orange color factory in my bladder. How does it color the past? Quantum physics!

Posted by Heather at 9:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

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