oh yeah, also...
giant fucking bladder infection.
pretty sure that today is not my day
okay, in the morning I find my way back to calm and peace.
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October 30, 2007
yeah...why not
"Things I Hate" is back again, earlier than expected. Today I am going to step off the Noble Eightfold Path and romp in the brambles and stinkweed of the not-so-noble big asshole path.
- Casey Affleck's voice. I'm listening to an interview with him right now. I want to put him in a room with John Mayer and they can discuss life without testicles.
- News burnout. Every morning the Iraqis blow themselves up, Musharraf straightens a crease from his jacket and we say 'oh, how civillized', Putin sinks deeper and deeper into fantastical spy novel behavior and bumps off his detractors with defenestration and polonium 210, the Palestinians struggle against the entire planet to get their country back and they will never succeed because you cannot win against the entire planet. It wears me out. It is exhausting to listen to the news, to hear about what is happening and and know there is nothing that can be done. The Israelis will continue to poke the Palestinians for their own amusement, Putin will even crazier ways to kill people and say "what? me? no way! I am crazy for awesomeness!", Musharraf will play 'democratic election' out of one side of his mouth and 'military coup' out the other and Iraq will continue to explode 40 people at a time.
And all the while, the soil of Darfur will continue to absorb blood in the same disinterested way it always has. That doesn't even hit the morning news that often, it doesn't really affect our economy so there's not much interest.
- The idea that 'fair' and 'justice' are pretty much just made up concepts and their definitions can change from nation to nation, person to person, minute to minute. There is no math in 'fair' and you cannot calculate 'justice'. They are not universal. I hate that.
- Social Anxiety.
- Forgetting my carrots at home and not being able to have them for lunch.
- Having to work on the days that are the most perfect days for the dog park
- that I don't live in the bizarro universe of high powered CEOs. If I make a huge mistake at work that will cost the company millions of dollars I will get fired and would probably never work again. In bizarro big money universe a CEO can grossly miscalculate the subprime mortgage market, screw his company and retire and live on lollipop island. An Island funded by a gigantic multimillion dollar golden parachute.
and while I am on the subject, let me never ever hear that a large corporation (Wal-mart) can't pay their employees more or provide benefits or humane working environments because spending that money would make them less competitive. I don't want to hear that so long as the people on the top are making such obscene salaries. you live in an 8 million room super moon house? you can't afford to have your products produced by people making a living wage? hmmmmmm you can have polo shirts constructed by uneducated vietnamese orphans for about $1.50 a unit and you can sell them for $37 each? but you can't pay the kids more because....why? you need more space toilets in your house? Man, entire fucking nations need to unionize because so long as there is a glut of poverty stricken, uneducated people willing to work for 12 cents a day and a sheet of scratch and sniff stickers, companies are going to continue these practices (and say "oh look at how good we are! we brought 12 cents and some stickers to this previously impoverished neighborhood! it doesn't matter that if one gets sick or injured they are just fired and replaced! Americans need their $37 shirts!").
- Ghengis is dead
October 28, 2007
Three Years!
When David and I first got together there were betting pools on how long it would last. It's not that they questioned him, they knew he was a good guy. Really, they had no faith in me. I don't blame them (not a lot anyway), the summer before I met David was...busy. I wasn't interested in committing to anyone for any reason. After just ending a 10 1/2 year marriage/15 year relationship, I was pretty certain that it would be best for me to not get attached.
But who am I to be certain about these things?
David's awesome! He's kind and smart and sweet and he can lift me up so I can touch the ceiling (but not often!). Of course I spent the first year wondering what the hell he saw in me, a spastic weeble with poor housekeeping skills and a seemingly bottomless capacity to make poor decisions.
I've learned to accept and not question. I've learned that he stays with me because he wants to stay. It doesn't matter what I know or understand.
October 26, 2007
the desperate joy
The dog park was packed and has been for a couple weeks now. The evenings are getting shorter and shorter and the temps are dropping. We are reminded that even the paradise of the dog park is subject to the harsh ministrations of winter.
The dogs can sense it as well.
Time is running short. Soon the park will be frozen, snow packed down to slick ice, suitable for only the most tenacious of dogs and their psychotic owners.
The dogs gathered in packs and ran. The packs are constant, mercurial, almost ephemeral. No single group maintains cohesion for more than a few minutes. One pack, a number of terriers ganging up on a surprisingly sprightly Irish Wolfhound, lasts only until it collides with the barking mass of border collies and cattledogs all trying to herd one another. The packs mingle briefly and break apart and the border collies are herding the wolfhound, the terriers and cattledogs spin out of control. Dogs run the fringes looking for like minded buddies. Boxers lover to chase and wrestle one another, they prefer to be equally matched. The retrievers desperately look for something to chase and the whippets are happy to oblige.
Asses and faces are sniffed, demeanors calculated. Chester knows the dogs that he wants to chase him. Black and white spaniels seems to be the best. Perhaps he knows they are fast enough and interested enough to chase him without ever becoming aggressive. He loves to be chased, but not hunted. If he can't find a suitable partner he'll go find Maddie. Oblivious to the chaos around her, Maddie is often found snuffling, marking and drooling. Over and over, she snuffles, marks, drools. She knows the other dogs are there. She does not care. From a distance, Chester will spy her and freight train his dense little body into her. Bugging her until she is well and truly irritated, he takes off with her in pursuit. They are well matched, chasing, wrestling, knocking each other around. Chester knows that Maddie will never actually harm him and off they go.
Other dogs see the chase and again, packs are dispersed and reformed with little thought. The occasional fight breaks out, the dogs are separated and moved to different areas and the bassets continue their constant play by play commentary to anyone who will listen.
The sun sets early. At 7pm dusk is on us, Maddie's failing eyesight is even more apparent as she loses the ability to distinguish shapes and she relies on her nose and ears to find me. At 7pm, the dusk reminds us that we are on borrowed time, that the 8pm treks to the dogpark in June are gone. We hold on as long as we can, letting the dogs chase each other one more time.
We can all feel it coming to an end, like fighting a strong wind we puts our backs up against it and for a minute we can pretend it's summer for a few minutes.
October 25, 2007
my head asplode!
I'm still working on my shawl/wrap pattern. I'd say I'm 85% figured out at this point. It's a little tedious. Get idea, crochet swatch, see what doesn't what's in your head, figure out why, get idea to fix that, crochet swatch, see what doesn't match what's in your head, figure out way.
Rather, rinse, repeat.
You get started on something and you think it's going to be so easy, "oh, yeah, I just have to do this!" then you realize you hadn't thought about the relationship of one kind of stitch to another. Then you realize that direction is way more important that you would have expected. Oh, and drape! You get going along and it feels more like a heavy scarf than a light wrap. Frog, pick a new hook, take notes. Start over. Pick a new yarn, frog, start over.
Julie has volunteered to be a tester. This means that I need to write directions in a straightforward and coherent manner. It also means that the directions can't just be a series of notes that only make sense to me. The awesome thing about having a tester work your pattern is that you get real feedback about the instructions. The thing that sucks is that I can't just throw out some unknown technique that I made up on the fly to make smooth edges or to hide an inherent flaw in the design. I have to actually come up with answers for the bumpy edges (mmmmbeaded eadging) and I have to fix that flaw.
This whole process has made me really appreciate designers even more. This is why I have to pay for the good designs! You get so used to finding free designs online that you are prone to act the brat when you see something you like and discover you have to pay for it. A lot of work goes into designing a pattern!
All of this work on this pattern has meant that my other projects are taking a back seat. It also means I've not updated ravelry lately or taken photos. Oh well. It will get there!
October 22, 2007
no good dumbo nothing
- I have owned 3 dogs in my adult life. All three were adopted from rescue organizations. In all three cases I signed contracts that held various stipulations like that I would get the pet neutered, that this animal would be a pet that lived indoors and not an animal used for work and so on. When I adopted Maddie I had to promise not to eat her (no lie!). Different groups have different contracts but in essence, they all ask you to follow the same rules. The big rule is that if you cannot keep the pet, it must go back to the same rescue agency. It's standard. Now, here's the deal, you own the dog for say 5 years and suddenly you have to go to the moon and you can't take the dog, you could probably give the dog to a trusted friend without raising too much ire. if you own the dog for like 2 weeks and it's too much to deal with, you have to bring it back to the rescue agency. Seriously, it's a standard rule.
Rescue shelters have the dog's best interest in mind. Certainly you can go to the pound and get a cheaper dog, no questions asked. It's easy enough. A rescue shelter sees a dog from a bad situation and wants to make sure that the dog ends up in the best possible situation for him. That's their job. They're not a retail store, they are a shelter. With each of my dog adoptions I was interviewed and asked any number of questions, did I have a fenced yard? How much excersise would my dog get? how much did I spend on dog food? what was my housebreaking method? where would the dog sleep at night? They aren't trying to be monsters, they just want to make sure that the dog will be healthy and happy, they want to be sure that this dog is not a whim. Something purchased to satisfy a passing fancy and then seen as a burden once something new comes along.
I feel bad for what happened in the whole Ellen thing, but she messed up.
- blueberries are natures caviar!
- Designing new lace patterns is a pain in the ass. I spent the weekend making swatches, filling in graph paper, furrowing my brow and eating blueberry pie. I may have found a solution. If so, I will keep careful notes and publish the pattern!
- The "under the bed" area is the private domain of the little dogs. First Ghengis had it. It was his place to hide, to chew his special treats and to play goofy games with me. Chester took over immediately upon move in. 2 years of dog lair has turned into 2 years of dog hair. Last night David move the (giant king sized) bed out of the way and vacuumed the hell out of it. That's pretty damned awesome.
- Cheney wants to eat your baby
- I need more yarn
October 19, 2007
...obligation....grumble....tagged....FINE
So I got tagged by Dawn to do the '8 random things about me' thinger. It's not the 8 random things....it's trying to find 8 people to tag!
The Rules:Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they've been tagged.
hmmm randomness
1) when I see bumper stickers I often want to append things to them. "and your mom" is always my favorite option. For example, yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said "I (heart) rhythm gymnastics"...'and your mom'. "Free Tibet"...and your mom. there's also a lot of bumper stickers that say "Have you hugged your kids today?" to which I want to add a second sticker, "no? well I have!". See! the back of someone's car would tell you that the driver hugged your kids and is bragging about it!
The only bumper sticker I would never change is "My other ride is your mother". That stick is perfection itself.
2) when i was a kid I hated oatmeal. It tasted like 12 simultaneous asses. Now, I eat it. I eat a lot of it. Of course now I don't eat crappy quaker quick oats. now it's all organic rolled oats because that's how I roll (ha ha). As a child I also hated onions, olives, mushrooms, and bell peppers. There were many struggles at meal times. I still hate those things. Hate.
3) Warrantless wire tapping pisses me off to no end. I guess that's not so random, anyone who knows me knows of my almost spiritual love for things like due process.
4) I hate Oprah. She used to be a trailblazer. Now she's just making money rubbing the butts of suburban housewives. She used to make a difference, now it's just "10 foods to keep you healthy" "the same ten foods in different order to make you feel better" "9 of the same foods plus a new one to eat for longevity" "10 currently popular foods" "I am on yet another diet!" "10 foods to avoid and the sketchy science behind these claims". It's cheap pandering. The ROI in this must be fantastic for her.
5) Once the cover of Cosmo promised to teach me to have 2 different kinds of orgasm and the secret new ways to achieve this nirvana. I was so...excited. It was almost as if someone offered to me pants that fit correctly! I snatched it up while waiting in line. I flipped to it. I think David was not as interested. I wanted to learn this in the checkout line, bag the groceries, run home and bag this new physical shangri-la.
These weren't 2 new orgasms! These were just the 2 regular kinds of orgasms! They weren't new techniques! These were the techniques we often engaged in!!! Then I remembered that Cosmo markets to 17 year old sluts in training, not 34 year old retired sluts.
6) The death of Ghengis is still the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Childhood, gawky teen years, my divorce, losing my house in the divorce, all of it was hard. Losing Ghengis? Indescribable. Truly. The anniversary is coming up. It scares me.
7) Fall drains me. I feel like Persephone descending. In the spring, I rise again.
8) I believe in my heart that it would be possible to exist on an ice cream only diet! I know this can happen. I'm gonna do it or die trying.
okay, there. I'll have to add tags this afternoon because I need to go take a shower and go to work. How does that make you feel? I wrote this post wearing only my robe and my stink.
Bonus random fact: my belly button has a funktastically bad smell. I wonder if I can claim I have a light refreshing odor if my belly button smells like this.
October 16, 2007
some people look at naked ladies
Amazon provides all the porn I need in the form of crochet books. Three lovely crochet books, one is sweaters, one is intricate Aran patterned sweaters (Aran is the Irish cable patterns) and one is super super cute toddler costumes, hats and outfits.
I'm pretty much ready to be nude!
The mistakes we make
David and I have a game where we'll find something the other was looking at, and attaching a note with an arrow that says "you" or "your mom" or "your nutsack" or something equally rude.
Last night I was looking at a scarf pattern online. The example scarf was not so attractive, but the stitch pattern is nice and with the right yarn it could be a lovely wrap. This morning, when I first opened my laptop I was treated to the picture of the scarf and a text box with an arrow describing all the various things it could be.
Since David gets home before I do I figured I would pull up a big picture of a nutsack, have it cover the whole screen and label it, "you". Searching for the term "nutsack" is not so fruitful. In google image search you end up getting many images of faces.
So I thought I'd search for scrotum.
aaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhh
When you search for scrotum you don't get a number of hairy teabags, oh hell no. You get the most horrifying collection diseased, battered, pained and generally broken scrotums on the planet.
The internet broke my brains.
October 15, 2007
They partied without me
Today I got a call from Mary at Wells Fargo. It seems that a sudden spending spree ranging in the thousands mostly on websites sent up all kinds of crazy flags.
Someone got my corporate credit card number and went nuts. they bought airline tickets, porn, games, porn, software, other credit card numbers from shady sites and thai porn. They ordered these things from France, Germany, Thailand, The UAE, Saudi Arabia and many more.
My personal favorite charge was listed for "Personal Service". Dudes are hiring ho's on my card and not even inviting me to the party! I'd offer to bring the camera, but I suspect they bought one of those as well.
October 14, 2007
Stitch Stirrer
LO! I've missed the last few "Stitch Stirrer" prompts. Sigh, been busy and out of sorts and what not. In my head I designed a Halloween themed cap for that prompt but never had time to draw it let alone make it. I came up with the plans for a stuffed Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon, but did not have time to work all of it out. "10 things learned" and "why do i do it" should be coming up soon.
The current prompt is "how would they know" as in, how would someone know I was a crocheter when they walked into my house. Would they notice or would they have to dig around for it?
Walk into my house. So it, I dare you! Upon entering the house you will be accosted by two overly ambitious dogs barking, jumping, yelling, wriggling, dogs. Once you get past the dogs (and this may take a few minutes, be patient) make a visual sweep of the room from right to left.
Here, let me walk you through what you will see. You can just assume that more often than you would prefer, the dogs will get in your way so I would include them on the tour, you can just imagine them. The love seat has one of my small project bags on it, but it is currently empty. End table sports a stack f crochet hooks that I don't like, some stitch markers I forgot to pick up and two sets of colored pencils that I use to plot out designs. Sweeping further, on the floor is a large bag of polyester fiberfill, a 12 inch high stack of crochet magazines and books, another larger set of color pencils (as well as water colors and oil pastels) for trying to get the stuff in my head onto paper.
Keep moving. The coffee table. My pink beaded lace scarf waiting to be worked on, a jumble of yarn waiting to be untangled or trashed, my crochet notebook that desperately needs to be updated, the beginning of a hat that twisted when connecting the round, a stuffed crochet monkey tail to go on a monkey that I forgot on my desk at work, a large metal mixing bowl (why? i don't know) containing stuffed dinosaurs, my diagonal scarf, two skeins of baby yarn and my spiderweb cardigan that needs the arm reworked so I can wear it. A bag from Borealis yarns containing 2 skeins of Plymouth Yarn baby alpaca grande in blue/green. This yarn was payment from a coworker for a project I did for her. My ball winder is attached to the edge of the table ready to be used.
Also on the table, my Lariat Scarf, the fingerless gloves I just finished, various 'odd balls' of yarn (single balls left over from a dye lot that yarn stores sell on clearance because there's not much you can do with a single ball of yarn. But I like them for little projects or edging or adding to things), graph paper for my designs and scribbles and math work (crochet takes some math!).
Under the table you will find another crochet book, my 3 ring binder where I put page protected printed patterns and a 1934 edition of Proust's Remembrance of Things Past, Volume 1 in which I draw a lot. The book itself has actually never ever been ready by anyone, many of the pages were miscut and still attached together. My fascination with this compelled me to draw pictures in the book. Mostly of naked fat ladies, go figure.
Moving on, a 5 bin stackable plastic storage unit crammed full to overflowing with yarn. A basket full of yarn and a scarf I am working on, bags of cheap yarn for dolls, and another half finished scarf. Coming around you get to the sofa. I am on one end, next to me are 2 balls of yarn (black and white), the beginnings of another pirate hat, my box of crochet tools and sundries, two more crochet books (one to be sent to Washington State very soon), a bag with my kerchief project and the pattern for the pirate hat. On the back of the sofa is my pink and green Fair Isle purse.
Finally you would end at the CD rack with no actual CDs in it (loooong story) but it does have one of my crochet bunnies on it.
This is JUST the view of my living room. the dining room and bedroom have their own thing going on and most of it is covered in yarn as well.
Standing at my front door and surveying the room you would be led to 2 conclusions. The first is that a crocheter lives here. The second is that said crocheter is a really shitty house keeper.
October 12, 2007
You are never poor...
so long as you have hope.
Every pair of my underpants are either in the laundry, in the dryer or on top of the dryer. I know this. and yet every morning I search through my underpants drawer to see if maybe a pair showed up or maybe I missed a pair. That would be great so that I would not have to go to the basement to get underpants.
Of course the solution is obvious, but Chester is a dick and won't go get the laundry.
October 11, 2007
I'm a stupid baby
"Stupid babies need the most attention."
aaah the Simpsons.
Yesterday's PMS weep-a-long songs: Exit Movie for a Film and Karma Police. Karma Police? Yeah, I don't know either. But you try wailing "for a minute there, I lost myself...I lost myself" while you have pms and the sky is drizzle grey. You just try it.
With all the talk of Radiohead's new album I had to pop OK Computer into the cd player. It is the bar to which all their other albums are compared. After Hail to the Thief, I'm going to wait a bit until I buy In Rainbows.
Yeah, hooray for PMS. As a rule, I'm not one to suffer fools gladly, but I have even less patience for people now. Luckily no one at work has brought me any drama. This PMS is worse than usual and if I have to hear one more complaint about not being able to find a girlfriend or how unhappy someone is in their relationship I'm going to scream. You can't find a girlfriend because you are seriously fucked in the head and I've been telling you that for 5 years now. As for you, "Mr I'm not happy with my wife", the reason you are unhappy is because you are a ball-less shit who lets others think for you and then complains about the results. Grow up, grow a spine and stop complaining to me over and over and over about her. Just leave, I suspect she'd be just as happy with you gone. Though I do wonder why she doesn't leave because if you are like this at home I'd have stuffed you in a trash can long ago. Wiener.
okay. Kind of feeling better now.
I think the lesson is, do not bring me non-drama and pretend it is drama and DO NOT bring me self generated drama. If your life sucks it's probably because YOU decided to let it suck.
whoa, PMS and feeling like an asshole.
October 10, 2007
Maybe too polite?
David is one of those guys that's really thoughtful and polite. David is the guy that ALWAYS puts the seat down.
I appreciate that he does this. More than once I've dipped my fat ass in the creepy cold toilet water in the middle of the night. No one wants to have a cold wet ass in the middle of the night. Okay, I concede, there ARE some people who do want a cold wet ass in the middle of the night. I don't know these people.
Here's the problem (oh ho, isn't there always a problem!), David not only puts the seat down, but also the cover. Yes, this is the neat and tidy thing to do, but it's really problematic for someone like me. I'm a compulsive bladder ignorer. I admit it. I feel the urge to pee but I wait. And wait. And wait. Because there are 8 million things more interesting than peeing.
By the time I do get to the bathroom I'm bent over in an obscene prayer of mercy for my pants! All of my willpower is funneled into keeping my bladder shut. All my muscular control is there in my lower abdomen. I can barely work my fingers to get my pants down.
How the hell am I supposed to manage the toilet cover in this condition???? I can't!
Relatedly, it is equally disturbing to sit on a toilet seat cover in the middle of the night. It feels like the toilet has risen up to greet you, but doesn't want your pee.
October 9, 2007
I'm like June Cleaver with an intestinal problem
It's 7am. I've been up since 6am. I get up early, read my messages, and then I whip on my pearls and heels and get started.
By 6:30am I am ready to get David out of bed. He is greeted with coffee, oatmeal with raisins and a hot bath. He can move from warm bed to warm bath with a minimum of discomfort. Sometimes I make his lunch, but not always. I help him gather his things for work and get him out the door.
Of course this means he's Ward Cleaver and the dogs are Wally and The Beav. Wally and Beaver seem to be having hormone issues.
October 8, 2007
not really all that grown up
it's almost 9:20pm and I haven't eaten dinner yet. I'm sitting here, starving half to death (STAAAAAAARVING). I am waiting for the dishwasher to get done so I can get my giant cereal bowl out and make a great big bowl of Reeses Puffs/Fruity Cheerios/Multigrain Cheerios.
God forbid I take a moment and think of something real to eat. oh no, it would be too much effort! No, I'll just slump my body over to one side and wait for the
HA! as I type this the dishwasher made its special "I'm done!" groan. Now I have to go run cold water over my bowl so I don't have to eat hot cheerios.
My Life: A Ken Burns Documentary
I have this screensaver on my computer that randomly displays photos from my iPhoto library. Sure, fine, lots of people have this.
But here's the thing, I also clicked the 'cross fade' and 'zoom' options. Now the photos fade in and out and then we slowly pan the photos while zooming in. It's exactly like a fucking Ken Burns documentary. When I'm sitting and crocheting I like to listen to NPR podcasts (because I'm a nerd). I flip on the screensaver and there it is, photo documentary the seems to go with whatever I am listening to (most of the time...).
Sometimes, the screensaver is itself the most fascinating thing to look at. Sure, I can go into my iPhoto library any time, but the randomness of it all that gets me. A photo from Key West, then one of the bathroom remodel, the 10th anniversary trip with Jen to Savannah, then David and I celebrating Christmas. The pan and zoom over the photo invokes a reaction, like the computer is leading you to focus on something specific. It makes you feel like there is a story with every photo. Apparently I have 6500 stories on my computer.
I don't know if there is some metric programmed in that figures out where to focus the zoom, but 9 times out of 10, it focuses on the subject of the photo with alarming clarity. Watching it focus on Ghengis is not exactly the easiest thing to watch, but I quietly tell myself the story of every one of his pictures and remember him. Perhaps I will commission a Ghengis documentary and hire Ken Burns! Or maybe I'll stick to my screen saver.
October 7, 2007
The long slow chill
How did I spend my long three day weekend? Finishing crochet projects, seeing movies, dog park, starting crochet projects, snuggling and being read to. I think my favorite part of the weekend is being read to. I love when we settle in, me with my crochet and him with a book that he reads out loud to me. I can think of nothing sweeter.
Went to see 2 movies Friday night (wild! wooooo!) at the cheapie theater (YEEEAAAAAHHHH). Saw The Simpsons. Completely unimpressed. Just not interested. It had a couple funny moments but overall, the sort of weird mishmash the tv show has devolved into.
Immediately after we saw Paris, Je T'aime to make up for the Simpsons. It worked. Seeing stuff like that always makes me want to write again. All the short stories, character studies, entires stories laid out in a single scene, the economy of limited space.
Today I hope to get photos of projects taken and posted, but first I must eat a giant bowl of cereal!
October 5, 2007
An intense study on how my mind affects my body
Starting earlier this week and getting progressively worse, my skin was itching. Itching everywhere. Red welts rising on the surface from all my scratching. Lots of itching and bumps and irritation.
We tried to narrow down the suspects. I hadn't been using David's man-soap, same detergent as usual, no weird lotions or anything. Oh, yeah, David pointed out that I had started on antibiotics Monday.
I itched my way home and called my Aunt Sue. She's almost done with Nursing School, she's smart and she knows about these things. Also, she's very matter-of-fact so I knew she wouldn't scare me or anything. I told her what was going on, she asked some questions, told me it was probably the antibiotic and as long as my throat does not get swelly I will be fine.
I was fine. I use the word 'fine' loosely here as I felt like a billion tiny pins were pushing their way out of my skin. I didn't hurt, but I was uncomfortable and irritated.
But then I got to thinking. I had a skin related allergy reaction last week. How peculiar. I don't usually have allergic reactions to anything anymore. I used to, but not recently.
In high school and for a few years after I was always having allergic reactions to stupid things, apples, carrots, hazelnuts, life, whatever. Mostly they would make my lips and mouth swell and get irritated. I then read a book and learned about the connection between the mind and persistent health issues like body pain and allergies and the like.
Basically, your mind is a series of chemical reactions to everything, stress, happiness, colors, conversations, anger, smelly feet, driving, whatever. If there are things that are upsetting and not dealt with, like stress or depression or a deep burning anger about the price of peanuts it will affect you. Your mind/brain/body all work together, they exist together, they are all part of the same system. If your mind is upset but things are dealt with, your body will feel the consequences. That is a really simplistic way of describing the book.
The chronic pain or allergies or headaches or whatever are physically very very real. The people aren't making up the symptoms, it's just a matter of finding the actual root of the symptoms that is the issue. We don't see the mind as a physical aspect of our bodies so we tend to forget that it affects our bodies.
And so, I forced myself to get over my allergies. Mind over matter. I also forced myself to really think about any other chronic health health issues I had and how they might be related to emotional issues. I worked on this and I started to feel better, both physically and mentally. They go hand in hand, you can spiral either way. You get depressed, your body hurts which makes you more depressed which makes you allergic to toilet seats which upsets you and you get migraines and so on and so on. Or, you stop feeling so tired and you're a little more cheerful which helps to reduce your discomfort which makes you feel brighter so you overcome your allergies and your self loathing lightens up and you are able to lose weight and on and on.
It's not that simple, but it's a good model.
What am I saying with all this? I'm saying that I think my allergies are psychosomatic in nature. There are any number of things that bug me that I'm probably not dealing with. Any number of things that I don't have the luxury of getting rid of. Hell, there's a lot there that isn't fun and good. pfooooot, I'm going to be spending a lot of time really evaluating myself and trying to get things in order. I don't want to be allergic to everything and I certainly do not want to allow this to spiral out of control.
Wish me luck.
October 1, 2007
Justification is so creamy good
This is why I deserve ice cream:
- Woke up and the bladder infection was still there. I do not need to go into details.
- Took the dogs out, walked into the vestibule, grabbed the doorknob, remembered that David told me the door knob is locked.
- the door knob was locked.
- the door knob doesn't get locked because Maddie chewed the lock knob and it doesn't work. Maddie must have chewed the door knob again and managed to lock the door.
- I was only wearing my robe. Nothing else, no underpants or socks or dignity, just a fluffy light green robe
- It was my winter robe, the summer robe having been tossed in the wash. The winter robe is very very fluffy and warm. The vestibule was very very stuffy and warm
- I was stuck in a very small space with 2 ass dogs, a spider and sweat dribbling into my asscrack
- As you would expect, you cannot just turn a doorknob really hard and make the lock disengage. You might think that if you are very hot and your dogs are bugging you and your buttcheeks are damp you might deserve to enter your own home. Doorknob locks do not have a sense of justice.
- The dogs were very upset by this change in routine. Why did we get halfway through the 'going in' only to stop moments before victory?
- my duplex neighbor finally came home and she let me in the back door.
- The dude at the clinic could not break a twenty to give me change for my copay. I ended up having to pay part of it with quarters
- most people urinate in a stream. My urethra works like an impact sprinkler. I hate giving pee samples.
- I've lost 10 pounds since my physical. It's probably cancer.
- A metric dickhole cut me off in the gas station parking lot almost hitting my car. I clearly had the right of way, but he clearly had the larger sense of entitlement and the smaller dick.
- the dogs jump on me a lot when I don't feel good.
Other reasons why I deserve ice cream:
- I lost 10 pounds since my physical! awesome!
- My pink felted fair isle purse worked beautifully. I don't know whether to keep it for me or give it away for a christmas gift. I love the purse! I designed the purse! I am happy with it! It would make a great gift. If I keep it, then it's great advertising. I just don't know!
- The self striping sock yarn I bought is striping up very nicely on the scarf I am making. I love the scarf, I may keep it or give it away. I hate these dilemmas.
- I finally learned how to spell 'dilemma'. For some incredible reason completely unknown to me, I always spelled it 'dilemna'. Why on earth would I do that?
- My antibiotics are giant and scary and they only cost me $3.71! that's awesome!