The Velvet Cerebellum

Remember when the hard drive on my laptop died? I don't blame you, it was way back in December. Yeah, I'm easily distracted from stuff I have to do.

David and Keith tried, but amongst the tiny tiny screws there was one that refused to budge, preferring to just be smooshy. Yesterday David used the divine magic of accidentally leaving my laptop in his car for hours and then buying a different screwdriver and the stubborn screw just came right out. There is no easy way to take a 12 inch powerbook apart. It's all tiny screws, tiny plugs, tiny wires and obscure instructions.

David managed and there it was, a shiny new hard drive in my computer.

Then it was my turn to get the operating system loaded up. OSX Panther (growl) went on just slick and easy. OSX Tiger (roar) was more problematic. After finally getting it loaded, the computer started showing me crazy bits of code and error messages. My favorite:

PANIC: We are just hanging here...

Who the hell is this 'we' and where the fuck are they 'hanging' the damned laptop isn't even an inch thick! Also, don't panic. Panicking won't help my computer get better, it'll just upset me. There were many theories about over heating, other bad items on the inside, satanic possession.

I did the only thing I could do, I made a bowl of oatmeal and sat in bed reading. David tried a few things to no avail and he came to bed.

Today he reloaded Panther (growl) and it works fine. I'll talk to the muchachos at work about getting a clean Tiger (roar) disk and trying again. I might even see if there was some extra photoshop...

So yeah, got the laptop back. On one hand it would have been nice to get a new one, but I really don't have a reason to get a new one except that it would be shinier. Also, the difference between the MacBook and the MacBook Pro is $900 and only the MacBook Pro comes in silver. I'm a whore for silver electronics. I'm reasonably sure that David (the dude with the best credit score the mortgage guy had ever seen) would not be so down with paying $900 for a color upgrade (I mean I know there are other features that are better, but in all honesty, I use the computer for surfing the web, email, photos and writing. None of these things require the $900 worth of tiny chinese orphans that live in the MacBook Pros!).

In other shiny news, we received 3 giant boxes from Sierra Trading Post today. Of course the bulk of what was sent is going back. The nice thing about their stuff is that it's way cheap, the problem is that you can't try it on. So, you order all kinds of things, try them on, send back what does not fit. I ordered 3 pairs of sneakers to try. I have a pair of Asolo hiking boots and they are amazingly comfortable, so I decided to try a pair of their sneakers. They were not so comfortable, too loose in the toe box and heel, not much padding. Those are going back. Next up was a pair of Keens that were super cute, but I was reasonably sure would be useless. I figured I'd at least try them, everyone needs cute shoes and maybe they would be cute and functional. Completely useless. There was nothing to them, no support, nothing to hold them in place, all kinds of places where the rubbing and blistering would happen.

Well, as a back up I ordered another pair of green Vasques. Perfect. You know, when you find the perfect pair of sneakers you just keep them. We're tempted to buy a few extra pairs just to have them on hand should they decide to stop making the Velocity. I'm fat, I have small feet and high arches, also, I supinate like a freak. It's not as bad as pronation, but it's why I sprain my ankles so easily. The Vasque Velocities are made to be trail runners so they have all kinds of crazy support for the arches and they try to keep you from twisting your ankle while running over rocks and roots. Certainly, they can't save me from my own retardation, but they help. Also, most shoes are too big for me in some way, my heel slips or the toe box is loose or something retarded. These shoes fit perfectly. I didn't think it was possible to be so in love with a pair of shoes (and believe me, I love shoes).

I also ordered some pink snowboots , I don't know what kind of crack they were smoking when they sized these fuckers but the size 5 boots were so huge that...well, there's some sort of absurd comparison to be made here. They're going back.

I also got a rain coat in the same green as my new sneaker shoes and also some slicky rain pants for when it rains I guess.

Still to come: my awesome new sleeping bag!

And tomorrow I get started on my State Fair jam! Cherry jam, strawberry lemon jam (def strawberry jam) and probably a batch of salsa verde and a chutney of sorts. I'll probably whip up a batch of Leminger for myself if I have time.

To be honest, I'm not necessarily entering to win, I just want to get in there and see how things compare and get an idea of how things get rated. After this year I'll really put a lot of effort into it. I had wanted to enter in the crochet categories as well seeing as the stuff I saw ribboned last year was not all that exceptional (sorry, but it wasn't), but I didn't get around to anything. Ah well, there's next year for that.

I'll keep you posted.

And one last thing, I just want to say thank you to the people who called an emailed me last week. I was having such a terrible week missing Ghengis and so many of you called to comfort or make sure I was okay. My aunt emailed me today, she pointed out that probably no one knows just how much he meant to me and that it was probably pretty lonely in my grief. I hadn't thought about it, but she's right. I am often uncomfortable talking about my grief because I feel that I can't explain how important this whole thing is and that people will just think I'm a nutty dog person with emotional problems (more than usual, you know). So yeah, bad week and all, but it's getting better. Sort of.

I'm off to see if my photos still work!

Posted by Heather at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

We were at Fleet Farm this weekend buying 87 pounds of dog food (no, really, we got 87 pounds of dog food), dog treats and some more canning jars when I happened upon the worst combination of stupid and evil that I had seen in a long time.

She walked up to the Science Diet dog food rep (who doesn't work there, she's just talking up the dog food, but I loved her because she recommended a non-Science Diet brand to me because she thought it would be better for Maddie than anything they made)...god, I hate the parenthetical tangents...

Anyway, stupid evil lady walks up to the rep and they have this conversation (some of it is modified as I can't remember it word for word, but it's all there in spirit)

Evil Lady: Where is the squirrel poison?
SD Rep: Squirrel poison?
EL: Yeah, I need to kill some squirrels
SDR: um, you might want to try rat poison...that's over there
EL: Does it hurt birds?
SDR: What?
EL: can I stick it in the bird feeders to keep the squirrels away?
SDR: yes, it will probably kill the birds
EL: The damned squirrels are everywhere and I hate them...
(at this point I am openly staring at her in awe)
EL: I've tried everything, they just keep coming back
SDR: Well, I think the best thing to do is trap them in a live trap and let them go far away from the area, but if you rid your property of squirrels you will just create a squirrel free vacuum that will suck in more squirrels (she didn't say it like that)
EL: How do I keep them off my property?
(Now I am staring at her with perplexed awe AND I noticed that she had her pants pulled up really high)
SDR: (laughing, thinking she's joking) well, you just don't...
EL: Dammit, I even put antifreeze out there and in my attic, they come in the holes in my eaves and tear everything up in my attic.
(I'm not kidding, my jaw dropped open at the mention of antifreeze)

At this point you could see the rep was getting pissed. She tried to tell her that it was illegal to poison animals with anti-freeze (In fact, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to poison squirrels anyway) and that even if it was legal it was a terribly cruel way to kill an animal. Not to mention that other animals could get into the antifreeze and die painful deaths. Once an animal ingests the antifreeze there is very little that can be done for them. The death is slow and painful, the kidneys shut down and the body becomes toxic. I wanted to hit her face with my hand.

I'm not saying that people need to get into a squirrel's head or anything, but a squirrel just doesn't define boundaries the way humans do. A squirrel does not say "the people in this house like birds, I bet they intend this food for the birds and not me." What a squirrel says when happening upon a feeder is "AAAWESOME!!!! Holy shit! Food that doesn't require digging or scavenging! MMMM all of my favorites in a pile. And birds to hang out with. Life is good, I love food!"

So, you know, if you're going to put out the food that the squirrels love to eat, then expect the squirrels to show up.

Also, if you have holes in your eaves and the squirrels are getting in, fucking fix your house you asspabst. Fuck. Again, a squirrel does not say "this seems nice, but I don't have a deed to the house and I'm pretty sure I can't pay the mortgage using the free food I found. Oh well." what a squirrel says is "whoa! it's warm and full of material to make nests with and there's room for a few other squirrels so we won't be fighitng over territory and it might be nice to have sex in side for once instead of while grasping the side of a tree."

And lastly, squirrels aren't good detectives. If Bob Squirrel and Joe Squirrel don't show up for the midmorning chase, Tom squirrel's going to think it's weird but not think much else about it. He won't say "I bet they aren't here because someone killed them and if they are killed then I should take the warning and get out!", squirrels are a little more like the characters in the Alien movies, "hmm Bob and Joe aren't here, and they left all their stuff. I want new stuff. I should live here. Awesome, free green stuff to drink!"

I hate so few people and I just wanted to smack the shit out of her. She had no logic, no ability to think things through, she just wanted to control something that didn't need to be controled and ignore the real problem (like the fact that her cheap print turtleneck that was tightly tucked into her really high pants was kind of bunched up on one side and she looked like she had a mighty ass hump).

Posted by Heather at 4:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

Last night I was winding a couple of skeins into balls when i got to thinking. They two skeins came from my mom's friend, Susie, including the very beautiful 'Irises' colorway. All of the yarn I've gotten from her has been sock weight which is awesome, but I don't really make socks and there I was....thinking

If I started spinning my own yarn, I could not only get the colors I want, but also the weight I want. So I started researching, and looking up classes and wondering if I would save money by spinning my own yarn. And if i did not save any money, would it be worth it to get exactly what I wanted? It might be.

I started imagining the felted purses I could create. Not only would they be my own designs and patterns, but also my very own wool! Awesome? yeah! Then all the wealthy wieners that live by my auntie sue could buy my purses for a stupidly expensive amount of money and stop trying to take the purse I made for her. We would all be winners!

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. First I need to learn. Actually, first David and i need to buy a house so i have the room to take on a new project like this! So, don't tell David because I think the last thing he needs is for me to yet another hobby that costs money!

Posted by Heather at 3:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

I don't think I want to know any of you guys anymore. You are one truly screwed up group of people. It's not even the end of the month and I have 3 pages of fucked up search phrases.

So, let's break it down, shall we
Page 1

• I know I cover this every time, but if you know the name of the website, why are you searching for it?
  
• all y'all are just a little too obsessed with boobs! Alaska boobs? Difference of boobs? boobs. Come on, you're not 12 year old boys! And if you are a 12 year old boy, go to a different website! There's nothing for you here. Any discussion of sex in this blog will likely make you gay and blind.
  
• Attention men! ATTENTION!!! One of you has a girlfriend out there who is trying to learn how circumcision is performed. It seems she has found the information she needs from my site. If I were you, I would leave soon and never look back. She's gonna Bobbitt your ass.
  
• lanolin shar pei? A shar pei is an awesome and sweet dog. Lanolin is one of the foulest and stinkiest substances in the world. The merest wiff of lanolin makes me want to run, any more than that and I want to heave and my head hurts.
  
• See poop! SEE POOP! YEAH!
  
• Homemade sleep pills. Man I WISH I had that on my site.
  
• Cerebellar coning in dogs. What?
  

• Wow, lots of mentions of pee, bladders and bursting.
  
• Hey, guy whose lady is planning on circumsising him....looks like she's also trying to learn to 'incapacite' (sic) a guy
  
• More boobs! You love the boobs! Not the titties or the breasts or the bumblebops! Boobs!!
  
• Leminger! A dude recently commented that his last name is Leminger! In searching out his family, he discovered me and my jam. If I knew where he was, I'd send him and his family a case of Leminger (and don't any of you email me to say that your name is "Def Strawberry Jam" or "Merciful Peaches" I will see through your deceptions
  
• Sore throat sore muscles? Take a break once in a while.
  

• Ant porn? Is there ant porn? why were you looking up ant porn and more importantly, how come you got directed to me upon searching for this?
  
• dicks! The awesomeness of this is that someone searched for the word "dicks" and got sent to me. Dicks! What posseses anyone to search for the word dicks without modifying it in any way like "humongous dicks" "most people are dicks" "why do dicks smell like corn nuts". So instead you search for the single word 'dicks'
  I just did that search and some 12.2 million results returned and ten pages into the results I still didn't see my site. This tells me that someone searched for 'dicks' and spent hours reading minidescriptions until they found me. AWESOME!
  
• 'swallow oxyclean'. No. Do not swallow OxyClean.
  
• 'Where is the cerebellum and what does it look like'. The cerebellum is in your head, and it looks like brain. Fucking zombies, why do you even care what the parts of the brain look like. Just fucking eat it.
  
• who the hell has a 'big iron collection'? who collects irons??
  
• 'peed forever'. sometimes, yeah.
  

Posted by Heather at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

I have to remember that even though the pain of my grief is still great, the level of that pain, the sheer greatness of it, is in direct correlation to my love and happiness and joy that I had with Ghengis. Few people get to find so much happiness in such a short time and I should be grateful.

I know people who have lost pets or lost relationships and refused to do it again. They refused the risk of almost certain pain. Pets will always dies, relationships will end or the person you love will die. That is not me. If my dog dies, I will get another and I will simultaneously grieve and find joy. If my relationship ends, I will not reject another out of fear. I will move forth and put a on a brave face. I do these things because I have no choice. I am hard wired to seek out joy and contentment even when things feel hopeless and by adding the joy, I am erasing the hopelessness.

I do regularly feel despair over the loss of Ghengis, I doubt I'll get over that any time soon, but I have to remember that I also have happiness. I have Maddie who loves nothing more than to curl up next to my belly and have me wrap myself around her as we sleep. I have Chester who seems to be trying to master the art of language so he can talk to me.

And I have David who will wake me up at 3am to tell me I'm cute, who puts blueberries on our pizza, who understands that snowboots must be pink and sneakers can't be blue, who makes sure I get enough fruits and vegetables AND enough burritos and who accepts that sometimes orange sherbet is an excellent source of vitamin C.

Vulnerability, he said, has its own sort of power. It allows you to love even when you have every reason not to, to keep your heart on fire even when you have every excuse to let it go cold.

From Sweet Juniper

I've had my reasons to go cold, but I haven't. And I don't think I could.

Posted by Heather at 3:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

It's been almost 9 months since I lost Ghengis and if I were to predict anything, I would have predicted that I would have felt a little better by now. I'll have a day or two where I think I'm doing okay and then I'll realize that the boulder in my chest isn't supposed to be there.

On some level I've gotten so used to my grief I forget it's there. On another, entirely stronger level, I still grieve every day.

Sometimes it's so heavy I'm not even sure what to do about it. I can't call anyone, I've already called everyone. Nine months of grief is not a burden other people want. It is not a burden other people could take on even if I could hand it over. I'm losing friends. I can't maintain friendships because I know I'm not exactly the funnest person to be around. It takes a lot of energy, energy that I don't have, to be normal and social. I crave my crochet, my dvd's, my crossword puzzles.

I want to go out with my friends, I want to go camping and hiking with David, I want my friends to come in from out of town, but I don't have the energy to coordinate any of this.

I want a night where my dreams don't involve running towards the street but never getting there, never getting to Ghengis. I want to get through a week without hiding in the shower or basement or bedroom or work bathroom and silently crying into my hands. I want a month to pass without the overwhelming urge to punch someone.

I check petfinder religiously wondering if maybe another litter of Ghengises was born and brought to the shelter. It happened once before, right after I got Maddie. Maybe it would happen again, right?

It's all just so exhausting.

Posted by Heather at 7:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

1) I am addicted to crossword puzzles. I do at least 2 or 3 a day. On the weekends it is not uncommon for me to do over 10. I do everything from the NYT to the Merriam Websters. I'm not saying I'm great at them, I just love them. Sometimes David and i work together, sometimes he thinks I am insane. I am insane and I like crossword puzzles.

2) Speaking of loving things, I'm still pretty deeply in love with SudBot, the dishwasher of caramelly goodness

3) in the few weeks that we have been looking at houses they've managed to get even cheaper! Awesome. I mean I guess not so awesome for the thousands of people foreclosed upon. It kind of feels like buying one of those really cheap houses is just me feeding on the corpses of the victims of unethical lending practices and american capitalism gone too far, but on the other hand, hey, cheap house. And seriously, you can't even argue with me on the points of unethical lending or capitalism gone too far, you should have seen the mortgage dude we first talked to. he was like a creepy car salesman. When we told him that the figures he was pulling were definitely above what we were comfortable with as a monthly payment he tried to pull some flash and magic and ran up all kinds of numbers about tax decuctions and returns and for a minute we were mesmerized. Then we woke up and realized that his calculations were way off base, his figures were wrong and he obviously didn't know how to calculate deductions. You know there was a minute there where we did think "yeah, he's right..." and luckily we woke up. Now, this guy was actually at a reputable firm and we are fairly well up on the situation. Imagine some of the really slimey guys and the people who don't know or don't understand how these things work, they just trust that the professional in front of them knows what he's talking about. So, yeah, the meaty corpse of the american dream is being served up on my plate and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

4) Fucking Awesome! Of course by "awesome" i mean "awesome if you like Radiohead and cool flash illustration

5) bunny hats with adjustable ears, dolls to sell on etsy, felted purse made from yarn died for me.

6) I have $40 worth of Door county sour cherries coming to me next week. Cherry jam is back on the menu. Also time to get the jams for the state fair together.

Posted by Heather at 4:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

I finally saw Brokeback Mountain last week. I know, i know, 8 million years late. Whatever.

I'm sitting there watching it and I didn't like it. The whole world loves this tender story of gay cowboys and I'm sitting there thinking "what a couple of jerks!"

First off, the script sucked, the dialogue sucked, the premise was completely forced and retarded. A couple of sly glances, a forced kiss and suddenly there's copiuos unlubricated anal sex? Um, what the hell?

Then there's the characters. Okay, fine, I can accept that the time/location situation would call for gay cowboys to marry women and have babies and appear straight. I can also accept that married gay cowboys with children probably still want to have sex with other gay cowboys. But do the married gay cowboys have to be such assholes to everyone? I looked at this movie and didn't see the sad story of a love that could never be, I saw the story of a couple of selfish jackasses being mean to people to get what they wanted. You love your gay cowboy more than your wife? Sure, okay, but she mothered your children and is providing an effective beard for your secrets, maybe be nice to her. Maybe don't treat her like an annoyance. Maybe having and maintaining a long term job to support your children is a little more important than mountain sex.

And finally, why didn't he fish? Obviously they had to stop fucking once in a while to eat or ride horses and whatnot. Why not go get some fish? Does secret gay sex make you never want to fish? Why wouldn't he fish? He's out there, the river is there, they have to eat something other than jerky. I don't believe that they wouldn't fish. They forced this detail in without even thinking about it.

So, in conclusion, I take the most beloved PC love story of our time and hate it. Next thing you know I'll be stomping kittens and running sweatshops. I'm a jerk.

Posted by Heather at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

Dear Citizens of Planet Earth
You are probably wondering what that 23% rise in planetary joy is all about. Yeah, you are. That happiness is my new dishwasher and the total erasure of that area of stress in my life! No longer will I ponder just blowing my kitchen up to avoid washing the dishes, Now I have a dishwasher!

I used to wonder how cavemen got by without dishwashers and I realized that that's probably why they died out.

Oh, and for those of you who are like "dude, doing dishes isn't that bad!"...Yeah, um shut up! okay, shut up.

Posted by Heather at 12:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

I have been waiting a long time to post my newest project!!
Jen the master of payroll is having a little girl any minute now. When we discussed what I would make for her, she didn't know what colors or themes she might have, just that it was a girl and everyone was making her blankets. Well, far be it from me to go with the crowd.

The awesome part of the gift I don't have a photo for. Anna drew a wonderful and funny one page comic depicting the "little bunny foo foo" story. I was completely awed by her work and I don't even have an image to share with you. Sad. I'll see what I can do.

She made her comic based on the items I made for the baby.

A baby bunny suit with a hood and ears!

A baby bunny back end



The outfit is machine washable, but the tail is not so i attached it by button so that it could be easily removed for washing.



Baby bunny ears!!!



you can't have a baby bunny outfit without baby bunny feet!



Oh my god! Little toes!!

The good fairy that defends the mice and offends the bunny.



I even made little wings for her. I wish I had a better shot of her hair, it was pretty awesome if I do say so myself.



The goon! When you bop the mice on the head you get turned into a GOON!



poor, lumpy, misshapen goon



not only does he have a pointed head but she gave him a big butt as well.



But you know what they say: Hare today, Goon tomorrow!

I also made 3 little mice but forgot to photograph them. I am rather pleased with the entire set. All the patterns are my own original creations with the exception of the mice (that pattern was just so CUTE). I could not find a crocheted baby outfit that looked the way i wanted it to so I sat down and made my own. Let me tell you, it's one thing to design your own dolls and blankets, but clothing is an entirely different thing. This pattern took 4 iterations and killed 14 trees. In the end, it was exactly what I wanted.

And here are the dogs pretending to be tough.

Posted by Heather at 4:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

It was decided that if I am to maintain a desirable level of sanity I should own a dishwasher. A dishwasher would actually save my life.

A dishwasher means clean dishes
clean dishes means clean kitchen
clean kitchen means more cooking
more cooking means having more people over for dinner
having people over for dinner means feelings of self worth, accomplishment and generosity
feelings of self worth, accomplishment and generosity means I will survive.

Thank god for Craigslist! I got me a portable dishwasher for $50! It's doing it's maiden load right now. heh heh heh maiden load. Do you know how heavy a portable dishwasher is? You know those ladies on Jerry Springer that have to be airlifted out of their homes? Yeah, something like that.

I got a dishwasher and if you know me at all, you know how giddy I am.

I shall call him 'SudBot'

Posted by Heather at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

A little insight into my mind...
Every morning I drink my uber-caffienated soul varnish coffee drink and by 10:30am I have to pee. Like really really pee. Like stick a finger in the dike and pray for mercy.

I waddle down to the bathroom, knees locked together, butt clenched, toes turned inward. The only thing I need is copious drool to complete the picture.

This is where things get interesting (and you thought nothing could get more interesting than the mushroom girl lurching down the hall yelling at her bladder!). As I entered the restroom I startled a little brown mouse. I startled him, he startled me. In short order I twisted myself over in an attempt to maintain my clenched bladder AND i tried scrabbling at the door.

The mouse was in a panic and running at me and all I could think was "oh my god! he's so scared, I need to open the door for him". I was not thinking "help! I need to get out of here" because I'm pretty sure my bladder was still in control of things and snakes in the toilet would not deter it from its goal. In those split seconds I was only filled with sadness for the scared little mouse, I was trying to open the door to help him escape.

Mice don't need our help. That's the thing about mice, they do fine without us. He zipped past me and skittered uder the door to safety. That's when I realized that the door opened out, not in and pulling on the door was not going to open it.

I peed forever and it was the most exhilerating pee!

Then I went to my office to find the same brown mousie had gone under my door (it's right by the bathroom). So I talked to it and proclaimed it to be the cutest mousie ever and then went to the pest control monitoring book and added him to the list of little brown mousies to be exterminated. I'm retarded, but I'm no fool.

Posted by Heather at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

I forgot how frustrating it is to look for a house. everything looks so lovely online! Sellers aren't really keen to show off their sinking foundations and cracked masonry.

Note to self: if a house is priced $70,000 less than you think it would be, there's a reason. For every $10,000 less than expected the problems increase exponentially. The busted and ripped off garage door will be the least of your worries. Your real issue isn't that half the floor is torn up, but that it is torn up in a straight line across the house and you don't know what manner of monster did such a thing.

Posted by Heather at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

Yesterday we spent the day meeting with our new realtor and with the mortgage broker guy. Apparently David's credit score is so squeaky that fiscally responsible angels fly out of his butt on a regular basis. This is one of the host of ways in which we are polar opposites and yet he still sticks around.

We talked about what we're looking for in a home, how much space we need, what areas we like, fiduciary responsibilities and previous horror stories about buying or selling a house. The realtor (Mark) set up this special 'home page' on the Edina Realty site that allows David and I to add houses we like and the Mark can look at that list, set up viewings and make recommendations. The only thing that sucks is that you cannot write notes about the properties. Sometimes I am saving a house and want to say "yeah, it's a good house, but the kitchen looks like someone else's butt". You can rate the properties but there is no way to say why something got a 3 and something got a 5 when they seem so very similar.

I think that what I am saying is that I know that most people don't understand my thought process very well. I may lowball one property for it's lack of central air but then rate another highly even if it has no central air because it's got features more important to me. I just don't want to encourage the line of thought that I am batshit insane.

Even if I am.

The mortgage approval process was less painful than I remembered it to be, but I was less nervous about it. I'm being very "if it is to happen then it will happen" about the home buying thing. I'm being chill.

Every new step makes this a little more real to me. Every new step is exciting but also scary. New house, that's awesome, great big commitment to a house? scary.

I just keep thinking of where I was 3 years ago. How ready I was to move to Baltimore. I had reserved a townhouse, I was on the waiting lists for 2 other ones, financing was a total breeze, I was going to move to the east coast, live in my new home, go back to school and essentially become someone new. I had my plans all set. Then I meet David and I feel all new without leaving the state. We are so opposite, he's responsible and healthy and ethical and more left leaning than me, and not reactionary; I'm not really any of those things. And yet he wants to buy a home with me.

And he told me that Chester wants to start a band called Um-Tunk and the Funk Famu. Apparently they hang out at the zoo. How could you not like that? Also he renamed the dogs JabberJowls and Grease Fire. Maddie is JabberJowls and a Grease Fire is something that sounds slick and fast, but is really just a problem in your kitchen.

Posted by Heather at 8:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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At the end of every school year one of David's coworkers gives out Red Lobster gift cards. This year he got two because he also helped her clean out her classroom since she got 'excessed'. Needing to get some 'real food' on our way to see a movie, we decided to stop at Red Lobster. There's a Red Lobster by every shopping mall!

Red Lobster tries to be a fancy restaurant, they have a 'wine list', their servers are robotic in the recitation of their lines, the prices on the menu would indicate that this place was supposed to be nice. Red Lobster is not a nice restaurant. I'm sorry, April, I know of your love. Red Lobster is a restaurant for people who want to go to a nice restaurant and don't know the difference. They know they want to go someplace fancier than TGIFridays or Applebees but aren't quite comfortable with a place that isn't a chain. Chains are comfortable, everything is rote, the chef isn't going to surprise you with a reduction or a roulade. You can get a meal that fits your expectations and pay a lot for it. Your needs will be fulfilled and your lady friend might even put out (if she isn't put off by the garlic salt on your breath).

You would think that a restaurant that specialized in seafood would actually know how to prepare the stuff. You would think that the shrimp would not be rubbery and overcooked, you would think things would be seasoned to accentuate the flavors. Of course, you would think that the meals would not be pre-cooked at some central processing facility, vacuum sealed in plastic bags and sent off to individually owned and operated franchises. How do you think they get the food to taste EXACTLY THE SAME every time you go? It doesn't matter if you go to a Red Lobster 5 miles or 500 miles from your house, the scampi will taste not similar but exactly the same. Consistency equals comfort.

Anyway, flush with $50 in gift certificates we debated whether we would have enough time to eat and still get to the 9pm movie and we decided we would. The food was overpriced, the wine was overpriced, our waitron was terrified that we took more than the pre-plotted 3.25 minutes to peruse the menu and make a choice. We wanted to wait on a drink order until we chose our meal!!! Danger Kelly-Waitrobot!!!! How will you compensate for a situation outside the manual?

They served ranch dressing with the calamari. Need I say more?

We got out of there with bare minutes to spare and hustled over to the theater. We parked under the giant AMC sign and then had to walk all over to actually find the entrance. Perhaps they should have been clearer. perhaps I hate malls.

Point of contention: AMC theaters now serve popcorn that was popped in a central processing facility. I wish I was lying about this but I am not. The concession monkeys come out of the back room with giant bean bag sized bags of popcorn which they empty into the bin under a warming light. Also, you have to add your own butter flavored grease substance to the popcorn. It's actually cheaper to let the customer decide how much they want (inevitably a lot) than it is to actually train the counter jockeys to apply the appropriate amount. This says that turnover is high and they don't want to pay more than they have to for training. Having a butter flavored grease pump is a terrible idea. People look at it and think "I love butter on my popcorn! This is free! I'm gonna take all i can to satisfy my urges and stick it to the AMC man". I can only assume that AMC has some sort of investment in cardiac medicine and research.

We got our tickets and the ticket taker asked us if we wanted to donate a dollar to get a chocolate bar. We passed up this golden opportunity but his dissatisfaction was apparent in how he mumbled a vague direction to the door we were to enter. We went to the door marked "Ratatouille" and went in. The place was packed and the movie had already started. We found a seat in the middle of a row, got some strange looks and commenced watching. It was so strange to me how they packed so much into the 5 minutes we missed. I was getting lost on the story.

Then it was over...how curious. It seems it was playing on two screens and we walked into the wrong one. Well fuck a duck. We'd now already missed 30 minutes of the show we were supposed to see. Feh, we went to go see Transformers since we missed it last week.

The Transformers movie is essentially a 2 hour paid advertisement for eBay, Yahoo, Apple Computers, GM automobiles, whatever company makes those little flash memory cards, The Strokes and the US Military. We paid $9 each to watch advertisements. huh. Other than the constant gratuitous shots of the GMC, Apple and eBay logos there were lots of things blowing up and I do like me some explosions in movies. The story line was thin...super thin....but hey, there's a brand new Camaro! And explosions!

Having not watched the cartoon as a kid, I was a little surprised at what a retard Optimus Prime was. What was that fucking speech at the end? Do space robots join some sort of space robot Toastmasters organization to learn how to give speeches? He needed to take a writing class. Actually, all of them were sort of retarded in how they spoke (except for 'BumbleBee' he was more Nell-like), maybe it's a space robot thing?

But things exploded...oh! eBay! I know eBay! and Apple! I own an Apple! I can relate to this movie.

The last scene was dork boy making out with slut girl (you know, the one that was all shallow and dating the football guy but ended up not being shallow and liking the dork guy because, you know, they are both deep and stuff) on top of his car. His car is a space robot with a face and a name and it considers itself a sentient being. So, essentially, they laid on top of someone and made out. They did this while all the other space robots were hanging out and watching.

Space robots are total pervs.

We made it home and I resisted the urge to vomit 3 kinds of shrimp all over my lap and we declared the evening a success!

Posted by Heather at 9:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
if you're six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get together
and i'm gonna tie your wrists with leather
and drill a tiny hole into your head

more than a little addicted to Fake Palindromes by Andrew Bird.

Posted by Heather at 8:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« June 2007 | Main | August 2007 »

Today Levi dropped little Doti off for the weekend. Currently, a little house with 3 dogs doesn't seem like a big deal. In fact it's been really boring. Of course that could be because Doti had to take a dramamine before she came over and she's still sleeping it off. Perhaps I should prepare for the wear-off.

She and Chester are trying to determine territories and the level to which they should protect them. Chester's idea of 'territory' seems to be defined as 'anything that fits in my mouth' while Doti's is just her crate. This means that Chester has hoarded a lot of 'new' toys but is still unsure of the mini soccer ball because it takes a lot of effort to get it in his mouth.

I left work early today. I felt bad because both my boss and my fall back stand in dude were out, but I figured multiple days of intestinal distress justified the leaving. Also, I was fucking crabby as hell and i figured I should leave before my mouth got me in trouble. Once you're overcome by the urge to scream "get the fuck away from my desk" at people you usually enjoy, you know you gotta go because what happens when Mr Mustache starts talking to you about his erotic adventures with strawberries and mundanity.

The search is on for a house. I'm feeling very tentative about it, but logic says this is an amazing time to buy. Of course my soul is says i'm not ready for that kind of commitment. I'm handing it off to fate. What happens is what happens and everything works itself out in the end. Of course I've made it clear that my requirements are a fenced back yard for the dogs (and whatever other animals I collect along the way) and a dishwasher. My only chance at long term sanity is a dishwasher.

Of course, I have been checking the listings and have already found a few dream houses in our price range...

Posted by Heather at 5:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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A billion years ago, in the primordial ooze I first came to life. It was my first life, the first of many i would apparently have over the next billion or so years, and it would seem i am on track for many more lives. In that initial life, when my form could only be described as "gelatinous slime" and my thought process as "poor, but shows potential", I ate something. I don't know what it was, I think it may have been orange and most likely slimy or oozy.

Immediately after this curious meal of mine, the sticky currents changed and I was killed.

Many more incarnations occurred and many more curious meals devoured until the advent of the 'baby carrot' and the 'chee-toh', and yet it would seem that through time and across these many lives I've managed to carry that first meal with me. It has been an intestinal traveling companion of which I was unaware.

Unaware until Monday afternoon when it suddenly resuscitated itself in my lower colon. The colon of a modern day human may seem similar to the sulphuric burpings of the primordia, but this little orange fella knew things were not as they should be. He awoke, took stock of his surroundings and made the only logical decision, he attacked.

His attack was swift and unexpected, he demanded escape and what could I do but comply? I underestimated him. Perhaps he learned much during that billion year journey with me, all i know is that he is a brilliant tactician and a fearless warrior. He managed to unite the various intestinal factions that reside at or against their will in my abdomen. They came together against a common enemy and they have been fighting non-stop this entire time.

I plead with them, I beg them to listen to reason. I am not keeping them here against their will, they are free to leave any time they like, i just ask that they do so in an orderly fashion. There is no need for them to paint their faces blue and charge like a valiant but retarded Mel Gibson led army! I offer safe and free passage! Just get on the train!

Entropy. Rhinoceritus. Mob rule. Call it what you will, they will not listen. They have been battling a non enemy since Monday and i am tired. I missed my movie this morning, I can't even walk the dogs because I fear being more than 10 feet away from the toilet, I will miss my fireworks tonight. I drank an entire liter of Pedialyte this morning hoping the eternal purple grapeness of it all would calm them, lead them to negotiate. Failure. They turned the Pedialyte against me just as they turned the oatmeal against me.

I give! Don't you see the white flags I keep waving?? I am sure the Geneva Conventions mention this specifically. This has to be illegal! Three days this has gone on. The original orange meal is long gone, possibly spreading discontent among the sewers, i don't know.

I will take my case to Bush! He adores these types of situations! I'll just whisper something about mass destruction...he won't even have to hear the rest of the sentence! awesome.

Happy 4th people! May every explosion you see in the sky tonight remind you of the battle being fought in my insides.

Posted by Heather at 8:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I am probably the only north american consumer of my generation that did not watch the transformers. I just didn't. They were all angular and angry and blowing shit up. Me? I was a Go-Bots kinda gal. Less anger, less blowing up of shit. Wednesday morning, at 9:30 AM I will be watching the transformers movie. Why? Because my boyfriend and his friends and their friends are nerds.

I don't think I can eat popcorn at 9:30. I'm going to insist on chocolate peanuts and an ICEE. If I have to get my ass out of bed early on the greatest holiday in american history (besides arbor day and flag day) I deserve peanuts and chocolate.

To write this post I had to engage in my retarded link-finding procedure again. Delving into my stats allowed me to peruse the links and search terms again. (since I am on David's computer I cannot post screen shots. I am retarded and have forgotten how to navigate a PC)

1) it seems that there is some link to me from somebody's myspace blog. Weird? superweird. Who are you on myspace that has linked to me? It doesn't show up in the url.
2) Ever since writing a post about my pendulous breasts and the bras necessary to keep them aloft about 87 of the 102 search terms involve boobs, tits, bras, or bosoms in such combinations as "granny boobs" "giant bras boobs" "huge pendulous boobs" "i dont care much for boobs" "boobs in dressing room" and "volvo convertible bra". I hope that in some way I have been able to fulfill your boob related needs in some way.
3) "how to incapacite someone" someone went onto the internet on a quest for knowledge. They wanted to know how to how to incapacite (sic) someone. Their search led them to me. Once again, I hope that I was able to answer that question for them.
4) "hindu astronauts religion" um...ditto
5) quite a few searches for me specifically, you know, putting in my name and city and things like that. hmmmm who are you? why are you looking for me? Should I get out my hittin' stick?
6) this is my personal favorite, "she pooped her pants". Awesome. Who are you people? how do you end up here?

I'm off. I've got to ponder the religion of hindu astronauts while incapacitating people.

Posted by Heather at 10:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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This weekend we are dogsitting Doti the amazing spotted puppy. Chester is in the midst of a "I am 15 months old and kind of a dick" phase right now so I thought it would be prudent to take Chester over to play with Doti to make sure everyone had the capacity to be civil to each other.

No worries. After 15 minutes of sniffing, hiding, avoiding, running away from, and ignoring, they decided to play. and play and play and play and run and play and chase and wrestle. As far as I was concerned it was all good.

Then Chester decided he'd try something new, something he tries on Maddie but rarely succeeds at. He climbed up on Doti and started humping like mad. Doti didn't really care so much. This was pretty much the awesomest thing that could happen for Chester

Is this awesome y/n
YES YES YES

Being a decorous person, I pulled Chester off each time I found him on her, but he didn't mind. At one point he let out a long, whistley fart as he was humping Doti. Add some tube socks and a beer and Chester is a total dude.

Posted by Heather at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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