The Velvet Cerebellum

I've been reading a whole hell of a lot lately and I figure I'm pretty qualified to tell you what books to read since i a) am bipedal and b) have this here bloggy to write upon.

Here we go in no particular order:

Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino
This book kind of sucked. I get a ton of my reading recommendations from the NPR book review podcast and this came recommended and it definitely sounded interesting. In fact it SHOULD have been interesting. The premise of the seedy underside of Japan, repressed school girls gone wild, murder, deception, prostitution and jealousy. It should have been good. At first I attributed my issues to a poor translator thinking that maybe something was lost, but as time wore on (and I mean WORE ON) I discovered that it would not be fair to blame the poor translator. Nothing was even remotely believable, all of the characters talked in the same exact voice, situations were so forced as to even make the reader uncomfortable. Bad bad bad. And the 'twist' at the end? The twist sucked. It was a stupid 'twist'. It wasn't even really a twist, just a meager way of maybe apologizing for this crapfest

Un Lun Dun By China Mieville
If you love Neil Gaiman, specifically the Neil Gaiman of the Neverwhere/Mirrormask type stories, you will adore this book. It's definitely written for teens, but amazingly so. It's a simple girl saves the world (and the secret unknown world) type story but it is delightfully fun. If you've read other China Mieville novels you will be surprised. It is as unique and creative as any of his books but still covered in an innocence you would not have expected. I really enjoyed this book, also, the illustrations are done by him.

King Rat by China Mieville
Again with the China Mieville thing you say! It's his first novel and it is definitely rough around the edges, but the story is solid and fascinating. And speaking of Neil Gaiman similarities, written 2 years before Gaiman's American Gods (also an awesome book), the stories are surprisingly similar, but this one is all Mieville, from the grit to the sewers. Like American Gods, there is folklore and father troubles played throughout. I'd say read it, but it's not as good as the Bas Lag books.

Jamestown: A Novel by Matthew Sharpe
an unhistory? a fantastical retelling of the Jamestown story? Post apocalyptic Jamestown. Hard to say. The story of the Jamestown settlement is set in the near, post apocalyptic future. Strange. I found the writing to be easy to read, I blew through the book in a days or so. The story was...eh. It was good and it had funny moments, but the characters just weren't developed well and I had a terrible time keeping all the Johns and James' apart. It also seemed unnecessarily violent, or perhap crude and gimmicky in its violence.

Schrodinger's Ball by Adam Felber
This book is just pure fun. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, Chaos Theory and Schrodingers Cat all told around 4 friends, the president of Montana and a crazy lady who rewrites history. Of course there's a dead guy who can't be dead because nobody has actually witnessed him being dead and therefore all states of dead and undead are still possible, a cat in a box and the world's largest molecule. Read it for fun. Being one who gets quite angry at the idea of quantum physics and string theory (see, I can't imagine the universe as a sheet of fabric because a sheet of fabric is very very flat and the universe is very very 3 dimensional. But I also think time is a construct, that the laws of physics are immutable regardless of how fast you're going and YOU CAN'T JUST PULL CRAZY THEORIES OUT OF YOUR BUTT LIKE THAT! I NEED SOME DAMNED PHYSICAL PROOF)

Whoa...yeah. I got problems with science. I adore science, but mostly I adore real, calculable science. Taking a 65 million year old bone out of the ground, finding the markings that indicate where the muscles attached and extrapolating information like that. THE BONE EXISTED WHETHER OR NOT I OBSERVED IT.

Dammit. Anyway, I learned more from the afterword about the theories than I did from the book, but still, it was fun and I finished it yesterday and I am just tickled by it.

The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Traitor to the Nation, Vol. 1: The Pox Party by M.T. Anderson
I just finished this book an hour ago, started last night. I could not put it down. I don't even know how to describe the story in this book. It's considered a teen novel, which surprised me, I think it's a bit beyond young teens, though older ones might appreciate it. There is nothing childish about this book and rarely is there fun or joy. Octavian is a boy born as an 18th century slave into an experiment. Both he and his young, slave mother are housed and lavished upon, educated to the highest degree, the boy not realizing even that he is a slave. Then things change. It gets ugly. And yet it is beautifully written.

The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall
AWESOME! It's everything House of Leaves or Memento could have been if they weren't so self aware. It's fun, it's a mystery, a thriller, a romance and much much more. It bounces everywhere equally, a wild ride that you can't get bored with (with which you cannot be bored). Words as a shark released and attacking a man with no memory. He must use the words of others, of anonymous people to shield himself from the words of a life he does not remember. The words are a shark, a real shark and that shark is trying to eat him.

Drowning Ruth by Christine Schwarz
Meh. It wasn't a bad book, but it was predictable. The characters were fleshed out and sympathetic, but ultimately you just got to the point where you knew that what the author was trying to get you to believe was a ploy to surprise you in the end and you can figure this out because they are pushing you too hard to believe this idea without actually saying the idea. See? Imagine a book is a flat sheet of fabric and sometimes the threads get...wait DAMN SCIENCE! Get out of here!

Okay, yeah. I read too much!

EDIT:
I totally forgot a book!

The Day of Small Beginnings by Lisa Pearl Rosenbaum
This was a really...cute(?) book. I enjoyed it while I was reading it though it was flawed. The writing style kept me engrossed, a story of 3 generations losing and reconnecting with their Jewish faith in pre and post war Poland. The scope of the book was immense and in an effort to keep it manageable, it felt like much was cut out or glossed over, bringing some characters to an abrupt end. Also the love story felt forced and unnecessary. And this is kind of a little pick, but every once in a while the author would go into too much detail regarding what Ellen is wearing ("I was glad I was wearing a silk bias cut skirt..." or something like that). Don't get me wrong, I was fascinated by the story and I got to learn a lot about Eastern European Jewish customs and whatnot.

Also, I started Black and White by Dani Shapiro last night and I am almost done. It's an intriguing portrait (see, I can write like book reviewers, too) of a dysfunctional family and the aftermath. The mother, a controlling, narcissist uses her young daughter from the age of 3 as a model in her photography. The photographs of the child are not only in the nude, but somewhat provocative, perhaps bordering on the pornographic. The mother becomes an overnight success in the art world with the photos of her 3 year old daughter and must continue to use her daughter to feed her own success machine. The daughter leaves home, the sister who was not photographed is angry for being ignored throughout her childhood and no one is happy. The mom is pure creepy overbearing. If she were a real person you'd have a hard time not punching her (well, except she's all dying of cancer and you can't really punch 65 year old cancer patients)

Posted by Heather at 7:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

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Sunday night I could find nothing of interest to occupy our time that did not involve a bar concert or a crappy movie. It was already 9pm, too late for us old people to find a museum devoted to figurines or some sort of community eating situation. Those things happen much earlier in the evening. Even earlier on Sundays.

I went upstairs to inform Davidu-san of the hopeless situation. Surely another night of pitching ourselves around aimlessly until one of us gets a concussion. "That's okay, " he replied with much cheer, "I just packed us a picnic."

All I could do was proclaim how happy that was and go about grabbing up a blanket and asking him to grab the mustard (still he forgot). We went over to the creek and found a quiet spot near a bend. We unpacked the picnic and opened the wine just as the last of the sunlight faded from the sky and the moon showed it's exceedingly bright face to us.

We laid there talking and joking and eating while the bats dove and chittered around us. I love watching bats fly, it's almost hypnotic.

And just when I thought the night could not get any more romantic...a couple of homeless dudes decided to raid the trash on the other side of the park. They were pulling out all the aluminum cans, tossing them to the ground and flattening them. The beauty of the moon, the lullaby whisper of bats and the sweet music that is trash being tossed around and occasionally stomped on.

God bless city life.

Posted by Heather at 9:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I've got one dog obsessed with the junebugs. Every time he finds one (and they're everywhere and they're slow and they're entirely unconcerned about the 3 bodies and 10 feet heading their way) he picks it up in his mouth. Upon being picked up the junebug reacts in the only way it knows how:
Is this mating: Y/N
If yes then commence with the mating
If no then fly away from it
No

So he picks up the junebugs, they buzz his mouth, he spits them out and looks perplexed and reacts in the only way he knows how:
Is this awesome: Y/N
If yes then do it again
If no then try again just in case it GETS awesome
No

Over and over and over he does this. I consider tying him to the railing on the other side of the block so he can do this all night. I'm sure it will become awesome.

Both dogs fancy themselves rabbit trackers of some sort. There are rabbits everywhere and they're dumb as...bunnies! While Chester was entranced with his junebug game and Maddie was replying to her pee-mail (bitch got herself a lot of friends. She's probably got a DogSpace account with shitty animated gifs and autoplay music and pics of all her frenz kikken it old skool...

wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the dogs are distracted and I watch two bunnies considere us and then hop around the corner. When we get close to the corner the dogs pick up the scent. This apparently qualifies as "awesome" so they continue to snuffle and follow it. We round the corner and they snuffle deep of the fresh rabbit scent on the grass completely ignoring the 2 goddammed rabbits not 10 feet from their heads. The rabbits take off and the dogs try to take off but I give a resounding "Leave It" and "uh-uh" because I'm all about commands and the "no reward marker". I get Chester's attention. My words are decidedly not "awesome" but he decides to listen because it might involve treats and those are "AWESOME"! Of course Maddie was all about the rabbits because once she focuses on something she forgets there are other things that exist until she reaches the end of the leash.

The rabbits got away.

We head into the alley and the dogs are still trying to find the scent of the rabbit. Then the dogs are snuffling hard on something. Before I can figure out that it's not just some rabbit shit (rabbit shit is "awesome") Maddie has it in her mouth and is trying to chew on it and I see a dessicated toad leg hanging out of her mouth and I react in the only way I know how:
Is it dangerous:Y/N
If yes then get it out of her mouth
If no then chastise her
No

Is it really gross: Y/N
If yes then chastise her loudly and tell her that you are currently looking into options for trading her in for a case of whiskey or a carton of cigarettes
If No then sadly shake your head and cluck a few times.
Yes

And Maddie ponders...
Could she really trade me for whiskey or cigarettes: Y/N
If yes then drop tasty but leathery toad carcass
If no then try to figure out how to get that last leg in my mouth
No...I wonder if I have a good face for hats.

We made it home no worse for the wear, but I am not letting their faces near mine for a very long time. Assholes.

Posted by Heather at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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I was laying in bed watching the moon move across the sky (hooray insomnia!) when there was a loud BANG SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I sat up and said, "there must have been an accident"
David rolled over and replied, "what....mumble"
"That loud bang and the screeching tires"
"I didn't hear anything"

We got up and headed to the living room to see what was what. Oh yeah, there had been an accident all right. A ford bronco had hit the hell out of a parked minivan. I made fun, colorful diagrams for you. I can't make fun colorful diagrams very well, so bear with me.

This is my happy, neighborhood. My house is the one in the center on the bottom row of houses, the blue box is the minivan, resting quietly.

Here comes the Ford Bronco!

BOOM! he hits the minivan straight on from behind. (unrelatedly, I'm watching a male sparrow flirt with 4 female sparrows)

SCREEEEEEEE! They end up way over there! He didn't hit the brakes until after the collision, no braking before impact. Luckily he was wearing a seatbelt, or he would have ended up in the back of the minivan and also have ended up dead.

Many people had run out and they discovered right away that the doors were jammed shut, no way to open them and get him out. The firemen got there first. I love firemen. Hot. It was all flashing lights and running around and the firemen were trying to get the door open. Muscles weren't working so they tried some sort of big pry bar and that didn't work.

And out came the axe!

They took turns axing the hell out of the door! AXE AXE AXE! then try the pry bar then AXE AXE AXE!

Then the ambulance showed up and they wanted to help, but it seemed that the firemen did not want to share their axe. If I had an axe I would not want to share it either. The cops showed up and then it was also yelling and flashlights and exponential chaos. Seriously, the cops were way more chaotic. Also, the sparrows are ready to get it on.

Finally they pried the door open and the driver actually stepped out. He was very shaky and they got him on the ambulance rolly cart and strapped him down and popped him into ambulance. Obviously, he must not have been too terribly injured because the ambulance just hung around and hung around and then started to go but stopped by the cop car and they talked for a good while, probably comparing salad dressing recipes.

The cops hung around after everyone left, so we went to bed again. 30 minutes later the tow trucks showed up to haul it all away. It's a noisy proposition to get two busted up cars out of the way. I did really want to make a colorful picture of a fireman with an axe, but I really have no talent.

Being that I'm trying not to be judgemental and I am trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am not going to just say the driver was way drunk. I'm going to assume that maybe he'd worked 16 hours today and was dead exhausted and fell asleep or he had one of those diabetic woozly things.

Posted by Heather at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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I'm working on being a calmer person. This is my constant goal, I am always working on it to varying degrees of success depending on the month. Right now, I'm working on not judging people, on understanding that more often than not, there is quite a bit more to the situation than I can see.

Of course, being an NPR junkie, they rewarded me (push the button/get the peanut) in my quest by playing a commentary by Andrei Codrescu, also published here.

This was it, this is exactly what I am trying to achieve. Mostly it works fine, I rarely get angry at parents with crying kids on airplanes, but I think that the people who do get angry at the parent are gigantic dicks. So it works like halfway, I don't judge the parents, but I do judge the crabby people (I just can't stop believing they are dicks). I don't judge people for their weight, lord knows I understand just how hard it is to lose weight, but I think the people who are all smug about their 'healthy' lifestyles are...dicks. Again, I need to work on this. As an atheist, I try to be understanding of all religions and people's levels of faith, but I think hardnosed atheists who like to think they're all smart for their lack of belief are a great big bunch of dicks (including Richard Dawkins, I'm sorry, I know, but still, he's such a dick about it).

So, my goal now is not to be understanding of the underdog, I think i'm doing okay there. I need to be less judgemental of the major dicks. That's my struggle, do not judge the person who says "god, if they would just discipline their kid it wouldn't be screaming" or "why don't you try a little self control on the cheetohs" or "having people believe there is a pink unicorn in my garage doesn't make the pink unicorn real" (SHUT UP). I will be more calm about these people, I will understand that every point of view is valuable, even if I do not agree.

However, that chick at Hot Plate that was begging her mom for a car ("but i'm almost 19"..."it will be an incentive to keep my grades up"..."it would make it really convenient for me to go to Walgreens when I need something") is just not getting a pass from me, sorry. If you're 'almost 19' then have some fucking responsibility and get a job. Actually, that's kind of what her mom was telling her anyway.

Posted by Heather at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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My sister had a minor alien removed from her toe today so I decided to pop off work early and take tomorrow off to chill with her (harass her in her weakened state). We were watching tv and chilling when I started to get very upset. I haven't really watched tv for about 4 years now, I don't have cable and I don't have any sort of tv signal. TV just takes up too much time. Anyway, we're watching tv and the ads are just really upsetting.

Now, I imagine that ads haven't changed much since I stopped watching tv so I think it's a mattered of losing that thick cultural scab I must have had. I just could not believe how many products were being pushed to replace perfectly good and functional products. A regular mop and bucket has served our kitchen floors fine for generations (well, not my kitchen floor, I don't really mop, but that's another story) but now you MUST purchase a special floor cleaning system with disposable pads and special cartridges filled with cleaning solution that I imagine are also disposable. So now you have to replace the mop head every time you mop and you have to keep buying special cartridges of stuff.

Then there were the individually wrapped prunes. INDIVIDUALLY. WRAPPED. PRUNES. They were doing one of those fakey bits where they were offering up these prunes and people were commenting on how amazingly nice it was that the prunes weren't stuck together. Of all the problems the human species has faced, I am so glad they decided to solve the problem of prunes sticking together! I can sleep better knowing that moist, delicious prunes are staying seperated AND we've finally (FINALLY) found a use for the plastics industry, because god knows they were having some trouble convincing us we needed to use plastic for something.

And of course I need a new car, special moon soap, 4 to 6 different anti-aging creams and softer toilet paper. It's amazing how different things look when you walk away and then come back.

Posted by Heather at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Last night, after much running and looking and eating of egg salad sandwiches we saw Autistic License at the Illusion Theatre. The was great, very honest, very sad and very funny. I'd recommend it, but it's done. Sorry.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here to talk to you today. I'm here to talk to you about a different, more pressing issue.

Last night as we were walking from the theatre to the car we happened by the new and oddly named B.A.N.K. restaurant. I probably would not have given it another thought but they had a tent sign out front. On this sign they were advertising "Handcrafted Cocktails". What does that mean exactly? Could somebody define "handcrafted" as it might apply to cocktails? and as such, how is this different than other places that make and serve cocktails?

Of course the word "handcrafted" brings to mind a long trained and deeply serious artisan, one who uses a cocktail shaker "handcrafted" by the reclusive cocktail monks of south jersey. A man so well trained in the art of cocktail making that he might tell you the difference between a cosmo and an old fashioned or something like that.

Somehow, I suspect that in this usage, "handcrafted" might be a very efficient way to say "we have a 3 page menu of shitty, overpriced 'martinis' with vaguely dirty names chock full of cheap flavored schnapps." Yes, I can see the bar filling up with a crowd of suburban women out on the town for a bachelorette party! They got kicked out of the 90's for being too obnoxious during the drag show and went to B.A.N.K. to get wasted on "Royal Mounties"*, "hula hoops"** and "linebackers"***.

* vodka, cranberry, maple syrup
** vodka, cointreau, slice of pineapple
*** vodka, lemonade, rohypnol

Posted by Heather at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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Posted by Heather at 9:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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once again I think I fixed the regular vs spam comment issues.

Many regular, real, non-spam comments were getting junked because I put the raised the Junk Score Threshold too high. Amusingly, all my real comments were junked and still quite a lot of spam was getting published.

Today I installed the Comment Challenge plugin. It is similar to most CAPTCHA programs but instead of the swirly letters on loopy backgrounds, I set up a challenge/response scenario.

Currently, I am just asking you to type a specific word before you post your comment. if you type it correctly, your comment gets posted. If you type it incorrectly or do not type it at all (as in the case of the automatic spam) you get an error. The comment does not even get to the system unless the word is typed correctly.

I went with this instead of the crazy swirly word options because I'm one of those people who has a hell of a time deciphering those. Half the time I type stuff in incorrectly because I can't tell if that's a "7" or an "R" or if it is case-sensitive or what. since I figure I'm not all that terribly unique, others probably have that problem as well.

I had previously tried to use TypeKey authentication but none of you got a TypeKey account and that meant that I had to approve every damned comment anyway making more work. This way you are self-authenticating.

So, please test it out, see if it works.

Also, in updating the site with this I accidentally reverted to the default templates. Damn. I went to go see if the plugin was working and damned if you know it, my site was all grey and blue. Not awesome.

Well, my dinghos, it's the weekend. There'll be some dog park fun, perhaps some kite flying and maybe magic.

Posted by Heather at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Last night David taught his last class for the semester (he teaches English to Latino immigrants) and when he got home he wanted to celebrate. We trundled ourselves into the car car and headed out. He wanted to go to the Town Talk since we had not had a chance to go there since it opened. I had him scope it out, all was well and I headed in.

My feelings are mixed.

The layout is lovely with the bar sectioned off from the dining room allowing the dining room to be calmer and the bar to be rowdier. The menu had a wide range of offerings from mid-priced to unconscionably priced. Seriously, there is not a risotto on the planet worth $18 unless it has gold plated moon scallops on it and naked ladies spoon feed it to you. I know overhead has to be high in a place like that, but that was absurd. on the other hand the wine list was all reasonably priced, nothing toity, a few selections that I buy regularly at home.

They misspelled "protocolo" in two places on the wine list, but I ordered it anyway.

We started with the Frickles, fried pickles. Wonderful, light, crispy fried pickles. So vinegary! They appealed to everything I love in food! Vinegar! Fried! Something to dip in! I could have eaten two baskets on my own and wept for more.

David ordered the grains and greens salad and I got the chopped salad. The menu on the site is not current and my salad was different than the one described. I give the kitchen high marks for well thought out and balanced food. Every ingredient in my salad worked together in flavor and texture, some things working in concert, others as counterpoints. I would very much like to try some of the other bits on the menu.

The service was outstanding, everyone was pleasant and attentive. The bill was brought with a couple of chocolates, a nice way to end.

On the whole if I were to create my perfect restaurant it would be this place, only quieter, and just slightly less pricey. I really did love the food, but I think we will not go regularly.

Posted by Heather at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I will share with you now 2 Chester stories.

1) Last night at class we had our mid term test. Each person and dog team had to make the dog follow certain commands for certain distances or time periods. We all know what's coming so we all practice. I am pleased, Chester can hold eye contact for 10 seconds (we need 5 seconds), he looks at you when you say his name, he sits, waits, lays down and stays on command. I know we will have issues with the loose leash walking but otherwise he's paying attention. I was worried about his ability to pay attention since he'd apparently eaten some treats, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and dog food all in the hour between when David gets home and I get home. He's supposed to be really hungry during class so that he will actually want the treats I am trying to give him. No matter, he's following directions and I am feeling confident. The test starts okay. He comes when called, sits when commanded. When we come to the test where he is supposed to hold my gaze I decide to reward him right away during the test. Damn, he always looks down to chew so he kept breaking eye contact. I should have just held the treat.

He did okay with the loose leash walking and letting me poke in his ears and feet and stuff. Finally we get to the part where he has to lay down and stay for one minute. I'm happy because he does this well. He's a pretty unambitious dog so he kind of digs the laying down thing. Except now he won't. He will not lay down for love or money. I use the command, the hand signal, the treat. Nothing works. He will not lay down at all. We fail this portion of the test.

Joan, the teacher, gives me my grade and moves on to the next student. I take Chester to one side to practice things and there it is, a full lay down with back feet out to one side (as he was taught) and chin on the floor! And he's holding it! He's laying down and he's staying and I call the teacher over to prove he can do it. But it's just not enough that the dog CAN do it, he's supposed to do it every time he is told to do it. Oh well Chester, we have the whole summer.

2) Chester is laying next to me in bed and I am petting him. David is laying behind me. Chester decides he wants pets from David and steps over my head but stops halfway, sits down, and rests his furry wiener on my cheek. Asshole.

Posted by Heather at 3:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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I've decided to start taking parenting advice from insane religious fundamentalist Jack Chick.

A couple years ago I ordered the monster pack All Tract Assortment as a gift for my firend Ethan because what says "I cherish our friendship" more than comic books detailing all the gay sex in the public schools and the actual witches who play D&D? Sometimes people need to be told how the Jews are the Chosen People and yet are still going to hell. These things are important. Also, the assortment was only $15 and you really can't beat that price.

Cheap crazy is the best crazy there is.

Expensive crazy is when your HMO changes the formulary every few months.

Having placed an order with Chick Publications I am on thier mailing lists for both email and snail mail and try as I might, I cannot get off these lists. I think it has something to do with the word of god being unerasable and also the database of god being unmodifiable. I don't know. They won't take me off their lists. It's fine, they send me all the new tracts and they also send me awesomely insane emails.

Today my personal note from Jack Chick was a note of grief regarding the Virginia Tech massacre. A lovely sentiment to be sure, until you realize that his grief is not about senseless violence and murder, but that many of those who died were not saved and now going straight to hell. Amazing.

To be fair, though, Fred Phelps is a bigger cockbite than Jack Chick, but just barely.

Anyway, in addition to this pondering of eternal damnation for innocent victims he sent me a link to his latest tract. It's amazing. It's Awesome. It's the most concise system of cause and effect in child rearing that I have ever seen. If you let your kids believe in Santa, The Tooth Fairy or The Easter Bunny he will be so angry when he discovers your lie he will refuse to believe in Jesus AND become a mass murderer!

Now that's a stunning one-two punch if I've ever seen one. Every dollar the toothfairy leaves under a pillow is another bullet in the back of an innocent victim! And the thing is, I think the statistics carry this one for him! Think about all the kids told about Santa and the Easter Bunny, there are only a few and they all grew up to be insane killers...John Wayne Gacy, Hitler, GWB, that creepy guy who runs the impact gun at the slaughterhouse, Vlad Tepes, Ghengis Khan, Gary Coleman, Ariel Sharon, Lizzy Borden, and the list goes on and on. Seriously, all the people who grow up to not become mass murderers are the same people who were not led to believe in Santa.

Read for yourself and learn how to save your kids.

Posted by Heather at 4:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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The perfect curative for listening to a story about terrible things that happen to dogs? Yeah, that's right, 2 hours at the dog park. Nothing will restore your balance faster than watching happy dogs and happy owners.

Tonight was Frontline and Heartguard night, and I hate when they get the Frontline on the furniture so off we went to let them run until it dried.

Maddie has made a possible 180 in dog park behavior. Okay, not quite 180 degrees but let's say, 165. A good deal of her old aggression is just gone. No longer does she have the urge to kick the ass of every dog that is bigger than her. She runs and plays with the other dogs. I am amazed. I had a moment of concern the other day, Chester was playing with a very large Akita that decided to chase him. Maddie was having none of that and took off slamming her chest into him and getting into his face. I moved fast but I'm a weeble and not prone to fast moving. Akitas aren't really known for being submissive and backing down, also he probably had a good 50 pounds on Maddie. Miraculously, he backed down, he averted his eyes and stepped away.

Today, however, that same Akita was there only he decided that he also was going to protect Chester so we had a few tense moments over which dog got to chase away the other dogs. Chester, of course, was entirely oblivious to the whole thing, he'd found a sexy little Basenji to romp with. Eventually Maddie and the Akita figured something out and they stood down.

2 hours at the dog park in the sun and I feel 100% better than before. Go out, get a dog and go to the dog park daily, it's incredible therapy.

Posted by Heather at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I was at my desk listening to yesterday podcast for Fresh Air. An interview with a forensic veterinarian. I thought this would be fascinating, I love animals, I love forensics, I love when mysteries come together. I love the idea of using real science to prosecute criminals (because, let's be honest here, far too many people have been convicted of crimes they never committed because the prosecution can dangle fear or prejudice in front a jury, but that's another rant for another time. right now, science=good). Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air warned me that some of the stuff they would be talking about would be hard to hear.

I got 8 minutes into the program before I was furious and crying at my desk. I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe what these people had done. Who thinks up these terrible things to do? I'm not even going to describe what they did, but I am sickened to my heart to imagine it.

On the other hand, there is an awesome cute puppy outside my office learning to play fetch. That makes me smile.

Posted by Heather at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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oh damn! I just ate the grossest thing ever. Fuck. eeeeeuw. Like I just want to shit twice and die!

I should have known better. The security guards had a box of off brand "Marzipan Rum Balls" that had been sitting in their office all day with only 3 eaten. Now that's an official red alert warning sign. If the security guards won't eat it, then actual humans should avoid it at all costs. But I'm craving sugar and all my hidden supplies have slowly dwindled and I've been getting more whiskey than candy from my minions.

I gave in, I grabbed one and tried to eat it.

Dude! Shit! GOD!!!!! Holy crap. Psycho crazy pink dried out marzipan substance loaded with artificial rum extract, covered in chocolate and those waxy brown sprinkles that you always think with taste like chocolate but usually taste like otherbutt.

What was I thinking? Was my sugar craving so bad that I just had to eat it? I've had some pretty nasty things in my mouth, but this was the worst. I would rather run my open mouth across the entirety of the dog park before eating another one of those. I've consumed almost a quart of water and still the taste lingers like satan's own skidmark in my mouth. I might be the first person ever to die of gross flavor.

The thing is, I did this once before. The security guards got a box of freaky Russian candy and they were all remarking on how gross it was. Still, I had to ignore them and try it. The thing about Russian candy is that all the colors are correct, it LOOKS like real and tasty candy, but none of the ingredients for candy are actually available in Putin's nut filled wonderland of assassinations and bizarreness. They just use equivalent replacements. Instead of sugar, they used ground up newspaper (except they don't have newspaper so they use old paint and the souls of Boris and Gleb for their newspapers), instead of chocolate they use the clay from the banks of the Mighty Volga River, instead of fruit flavoring, they use various forms of cat urine. This shit is popular over there because they don't actually know what fruit, sugar or chocolate are supposed to be like.

Maybe I'll stop at the DQ on the way home and get me a buster bar. I totally deserve it.

LATER: David and I went to DQ after the dog park and I got me an entire peanut buster parfait. He got the buster bar. I've eaten only the peanut buster parfait for dinner and nothing else. I defy old age! Now I just need to figure out how I can sit in the tub and watch my Discovery channel vhs documentary about the sun while soaking in the tub. (the video was checked out from the library AND Michael "Lt Worf" Dorn narrates it. I cannot defy my nerdiness)

Posted by Heather at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I used to have lots of issues with allergies in the past, then I read somewhere that sometimes people with lots of allergies also have lots of stress and maybe the allergies are just physical manifestations of stress. It was written with all kinds of conditionals and whatnot so as to not offend those with real (or deeply realistic) allergies. So imagine I'm writing it the same way. Imagine I'm saying everyone has real allergies except me.

So yeah, once I read about the psychosomatic allergies I took it seriously and mind over matter took over and I talked myself out of my allergies proving that they were in fact psychosomatic.

Now part of my issue is that ever since this worked for me, I try to convince myself that all my health problems are probably psychosomatic. Interestingly, it's one of the reasons why I took so long to seek medical attention for my depression. I just figured I was being a big baby and it would pass. Actually, you'd be surprised at how often I heard some refiguring of that statement from friends of mine but whatever.

Anyway, allergies. Yeah. For 3 weeks now my nose is gunny, my eyes itch and run, I'm tired and I have crazy mad scientist mucous. I refused to even acknowledge that this was happening. This was not happening. Not at all. My nose does not itch, my eyes are not gooey, I do not feel like crap.

All I could find to take at work was some sort of generic cold pills. The decongestant helped but not really. I feel like crap. I need to take medicine for this, but if I take medicine then I am admitting that I have a problem and then it's all "is it real or is it psychosomatic? is this runny nose real or just a manifestation of the stress that I hate dealing with?"

I'm wondering if I can use this to get another burrito out of David. He bought me one last night (chili verde sin cebollas from Pineda).

Posted by Heather at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I met Patti and her mom and her sister and her neice for lunch today at the Uptown diner. The beauty of the uptown diner is their hollandaise, rich, buttery, eggy, delicious. When you order a benedict you get enough hollandaise to cover your entire plate including the thick, crispy slab of hash browns. I could write sonnets to the hollandaise.

I usually order the cajun benedict made with spicy andouille sausage. It feeds my craving for spiced pork AND hollandaise. Perfect.

What did I order for lunch? Not the cajun benedict, my usual order or even the biscuit and gravy benedict (served with your own defibrillator!). Nope. I ordered a giant bowl of oatmeal and a side of cantaloupe. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate oatmeal, I hate it so much. Or at least I did until 6 months ago when I was overcome by a craving so deep I had to go to the store and buy some and I ate it almost every day! Now I purposefully shun the cholesterol and pork for oatmeal and cantaloupe.

See also: my insane consumption of cheerios and my habit of consuming a pound or more of carrots for lunch on any given day. Or even an entire evening spent at Nyes with someone else driving and all I drank was diet coke because drinking and getting drunk has lost all appeal.

wait...these are the things that old people do!!!!! Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! What the hell am I going to do? I'm almost 34 and I'm acting all 45! "blah blah blah drinking just doesn't appeal to me...blah blah blah I love oatmeal and fruit....meh meh meh i poop regularly...honk honk honk why don't i go crochet a doily and make some jam and drive my beige car 5 miles under the speed limit..."

I need to rectify this and fast. I stopped smoking 6 months ago, time to start again! I've got a brand new bottle of Jack and I think I can rustle up some porn and doritos. I will not accept that I am an old lady!!!!

Posted by Heather at 5:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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My car has some sort of problem. Not the regular problem like a blown head gasket or a leak in the dilithium chamber. It has some sort of weird attitudinal or emotional issue that I can't quite work out.

Last month my car died a block from the house. Just died and would not start. Luckily Progressive has free road side assistance and free towing and all that so I got her towed up to my mechanic's. That afternoon got me this little tidbit of conversation:
towtruck dude: (apropo of nothing, jus tout of the blue) hey! now you can feel like a winner!
me: (yelling) I AM a winner!

Anyhow, my mechanics, those lovely eastern european dudes that I love so much, gave it the once over and did the diagnostics and found...not a whole lot. They changed the oil and fixed my headlight and that was that. Also, they may have possibly found that sometimes I might just let my gas tank get a little...low...sometimes a little too low. Sometimes the gas tank gets like way way low, but still, the car started up for them right away!

Last night, driving home from my sister's I notice the temp gauge getting higher and higher. How curious. Then the onboard computer starts getting all "enging temperature high" and "stop engine now" and all that. I pull over on Minnehaha and sigh. Aw fuck. I call April and she heads out to pick me up and I call Progressive again to get another free tow.

This morning the mechanics call me to tell me that they can't find anything really wrong with it. They tried and they could not recreate the situation. Hmmmm curious. They said they found some debris in the radiator and MAYBE that clogged something temporarily but they flushed it and it's all good. Interesting.

I asked a few more questions about what they did to determine that they could not find anything and they said:
Guy: Yeah, we cranked the A/C up as high as possible and got some good RPMs and nothing. Everything stayed normal.
Me: You turned on the A/C?
Guy: Yep, turned it all the way up, fans on and everything
Me: My A/C doesn't work...It died last summer and it was close enough to fall that I didn't bother getting it fixed
Guy: It was working...
Me: huh.

My car does not work for me. My car breaks and dies and shudders and overheats and all that, and then miraculously pops back to life in the care of the mechanics. What's up with that?

This meant I got to ride the bus this morning! It was kind of awesome because it menat I could spend 30 minutes crocheting and not driving but it also meant that I had to spend 30 minutes listening to the weird meth-addled carpet layer. Seems that he needs to finish some job on the north side of town, then he can get the van but don't worry, he'll still ride the bus and if he's lying he'll stop drinking for ever you can even call his sister patty, but she changed her number so he can't call her anymore but he just needs to get up Central and finish this job or maybe not even finish it he didn't know but he could get the van! Holy crap! He also waved at all the other bus drivers and discussed his own personal belief that preparing oneself for getting on the bus (such as getting your money ready) was the ultimate way to show respect to the driver.

Speaking of meth-addled, when the hell is science going to get up off its ass and make a meth like substance without all the side effects?? Caffeine just isn't cutting it and I want to keep my teeth and I don't want to be cranky! Come on! I see you lazy scientists living your fat cat lifestyle growing all porky on the teat of the big pharma lobby! Come on! Restless leg syndrome? Seriously, like 8 people on the planet had an actual medical issue with restless leg syndrome and you went and made a couple of commercials and now everyone has it and you're making big bucks! Same with Viagra! The soft old man weiner was nature's way of telling a dude that he had crossed the line into old guy territory and as such, would only be creepy if he tried to hump! You fixed a problem that was actually a solution and not a problem! Healthy Meth! That's all I'm asking for! The ad campaign practically writes itself and you'll be even richer.

And while I'm ranting, could the neck beard please go out of style now? please? I'm so tired of the neck beard (also flip-flops, totteringly high and skinny high heels, and midriffs).

On the lighter side, a vendor brought me a bottle of Jack and some soda and a hard hat today and I am trying to convince my boss to let me buy a new lime green herman miller chair. I deserve it.

Posted by Heather at 3:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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Look....over at the right...hoodie pictures!!!!!!

Posted by Heather at 7:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I'm not sure what happened in the whole "switch to make the comments work better" deal, but it seems that the spam was getting posted and the non-spam was getting junked. There I was wondering why no one was commenting anymore and there you were, commenting.

And I finally found all the comments and returned them to their rightful glory on my site. WOO DOGGY.

Today is Chester's birthday. To celebrate his birthday he peed on the rug as I was trying to take him out and then he spent the day barking. I know that dogs regress a little at their first birthday, but I'll never get used to it. He's been acting like a punk ass for over a week now.

I'm telling him that he doesn't have to go to class tonight because it's his birthdya, but the reality is far worse. He's been a punk ass. He goes to class and completely ignores me and I'm a big fucking baby and I just don't have the energy to go to class and be the dunce kid. The teacher makes it clear that she doesn't lay blame and that chester is smart and all, but....I just don't want to be the one person there who can't move on to "stay" because I can't even get him to do a basic "watch me". I'm a big baby.

Anyway, wish him a happy birthday and remind him to stop being such a jackass.

Posted by Heather at 3:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This past weekend we were lamenting that we'd not had any time to ride our bikes down the creek under the blossoming crabapple trees. It's just so beautiful to ride around under all those fluffy pink and white trees. Mondays are our only nights home together and I suggested a ride and a picnic.

David ran to the store after work and picked up all the necessary picnic foods and a bottle of wine. We packed up the back packs and got our bikes out and ...and...and

It started raining. Of course it did. The rain had held out all day. The weather reports told of diminishing chances of rain as the day went on. I had hope. Since the rain was so light I suggested that we head out anyway, perhaps it was just a quick shower that would be over soon. 2 blocks away it turned into a deluge. We sought shelter under the awning at the coffee shop and reconsidered our options. With that much rain, even if it did stop soon the ground would be too wet for a picnic. We headed home.

Then we tossed everything in the car and headed over to Minnehaha Falls. The covered picnic pavillion was closed off but the covered bandstand was just begging to be used. We spread out the blanket just in time to watch the sun come out.

the fun part was surrepticiously pouring our wine into plastic cups as it is illegal to drink in public like that! We're scofflaws!

Posted by Heather at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Holy crap, lots and lots and lots of photos posted for you to peruse!. Go, look at the photos and be so so happy! Click a thumbnail on the right and fall into my world.

Posted by Heather at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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daaaaaaaaang
Went to lunch at Pho 70, got me the 35 (soup with egg noodles, shrimp and pork wontons and shredded pork) and a mocha bubble tea because I totally need the fat and calories. 2 hours later, completely nauseous and headachy. 4 hours later I'm in my car in a chilled sweat wondering if it's a good idea to drive home. Dang, I hate when the slightly sketchy vietnamese restaurant makes you sick!

To top it all off, I found out that Mike Doughty's doing a free concert in River Falls tomorrow! I totally want to go! David and I had afternoon and evening plans and he very graciously let me out of them, but I decided to stick with my plans. The sixth sense is saying shrugging on previous engagements to go to Wisconsin might be a bad idea. Well, the sixth sense is totally saying "stay the hell away from Wisconsin this weekend!!!!!"

Or something like that. I've learned to listen to my gut, even if my gut is spasming and roiling with southeast asian pain!

Also, I had a really fucked up dream about our commander in chief and I was totally going to convey it to you but then I realized that with all this patriot act bullshit I might actually find myself in some Kafka-esque nightmare, hidden away from sunlight and good food for the rest of my life. Dammit. I think the Irish Boy was right, we are losing it over here.

Okay, enough with the sick belly ramblings. I'm off to curl up on the sofa and die a little more.

Posted by Heather at 7:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Thank you to everyone who donated so far to the 2007 Humane Society's Walk for the Animals. The response has been amazing. When I started out I set my goal at $160 figuring it would just be a low key way to raise money for a good cause and do something positive to mend the pain of losing my little Ghengis.

Then I had to keep raising my goal because I kept reaching it.

Today I got over the $1300 mark and I am one of the top individual fundraisers. Thank you to everyone who donated to this cause. This is proof that I am not the only one who was affected by Ghengis and his super fella magic! He was my little guy and I will always be proud of this.

And to be fair, a lot of thanks goes to David! A few weeks ago he came home with a book called "Remembering my Pet". It's a book for kids who have recently lost a pet. It asks you questions about your pet and you fill in the questions, write down your stories and memories, you also get to draw and color in the book. This book is the reason why David amazes me in such a consistent way. Here I am, almost 34, most people, if they were going to buy me a book about pet grief, would buy me something written by a renowned grief psychologist, over 200 pages long and with no place to draw a picture of a whale shark or a hippo. David saw that book and knew I needed it. I may not have known it, but I needed THAT book. I cried and cried and then I drew pictures of Ghengis, and I remembered many of his 'firsts' and I talked about his favorite things and how much I loved him

Part of the book discussed things to do after your pet dies, things to make it better. Like making a memorial or doing charity work for animals. And there it was. Suddenly it was clear. Stop grieving and start doing something. The next day I signed up for the walk and I have felt better ever since.

And lets not forget that David is truly the captain of the fun and the mr amazing of the support!

Thanks, David! I love you!

Posted by Heather at 3:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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We can file this in the box labeled "incredibly fun but ultimately stupid ideas"

I love Cheerios. I don't know why, but I do. I adore Cheerios. This is strange because I used to be sort of opinionless about Cheerios, now I can't get enough.

More specifically, the Effexor makes me crave certain foods and I must eat huge amounts of whatever I am craving on an almost daily basis. Right now it's Cheerios and baby carrots (I just ate a pound of baby carrots for lunch). I suppose it could be worse. I could crave frosting and veal, or deep fried twinkies, or hell, booze for that matter. If it were booze then most of these posts would be "oh my god! I'm so drunk right now and I was so drunk all the time". So, luckily, right now it's Cheerios and baby carrots. Once it was red meat and I bought 2 steaks, barely cooked them and ate them mostly raw. Very Rosemary's Baby.

I also love to soak in the tub. Our shower head broke a couple weeks back and needed to be replaced and I was not in a hurry to replace it as it meant I got to get in the tub and read every night. The shower head got replaced this weekend (thanks mom!) but I still got in the tub last night.

The best thing in the world (right now at least) is soaking in the tub with a book and a gigantic bowl of Cheerios. I don't mean like just a big bowl, I mean like I take a midsized mixing bowl and fill it with Cheerios. Last nigth David was setting me up with my Cheerios and he grabbed a good sized Glad Ware container for me to use. As I waited for him to bring the Cheerios, milk and sugar (he's really awesome. Have I told you that? super awesome.) I realized that the bowl floated in the water. Well yay! we stuck the bowl in the water, added cereal, milk and sugar and there I was devouring the SS Heart Healthy!

I was like the health conscious Godzilla reigning in terror over my little O victims.

The thing about Glad Ware is that it is very thin, and as such, not necessarily a good insulator. Soon enough the milk took on the temperature of the tub water and the Amazingly Fun Cheerio Adventure became the Kinda Weird Warm Cheerio Exercise in Commitment to Finishing The Giant Bowl Because I said I would.

Lesson learned I guess.

Posted by Heather at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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