The Velvet Cerebellum

I knew the grief would not end quickly. I knew it would take a great deal of time to work my heart through the pinched hole of pain. In the week after Ghengis died, things started to get brighter. The crying jags were less common, I could laugh and spend time with my friends. I could search for a new puppy.

It hurt, but I figured I was getting on remarkably well.

I did not know that grief would come to me in waves. That my reprieve was only a recession. Ghengis was my comfort when I was sad, He would snuffle my tears, drape himself across my lap and sigh deeply as he curled into me. Stark reality slaps me in the face as I get sad and look for Ghengis to comfort me. He's not there.

He will never be there.

And my pain folds over on itself.

I am surrounded by people and creatures who love me. David, Maddie and Chester along with my friends and family have been wonderful. Those who know me know what Ghengis meant to me, they may not have understood my relationship with the Littlest of the Fellas, but they knew it was strong.

My friends and family are so comforting and supportive, Chester is an extraordinary diversion for me and Maddie is a calm port in this storm, but nothing can bring my Ghengis back. Nothing they do or say can erase the memories of his pained yelps, or his last three, gasped breaths, or the way he looked when I said my last goodbye and pulled the blanket over his head for the last time.

The grief has come back to me hard these last couple days. It is beating me down. I try to keep it in check, do my job, clean, make dinner, carry on pleasant conversations with people. But it slips in there. I can't control it.

I want to take back these few weeks. I want to go back and choose to use his collar instead of his harness. I want to choose to stay on the phone with my mom 5 minutes longer. I want to go back and give him all the turkey from the sandwich I had for dinner that night instead of just a few bites. I want to go back to the day I skipped the Frosty Paws because they were pricey and I want to slap myself, he deserved those Frosty Paws and I didn't buy them.

I want to go back to when he was just 11 weeks old, so small and scared. I want to go back to when he put his tiny snout on my neck and fell asleep and I did not move because I did not want to wake this perfect little dog.

I want my dog back.

Posted by Heather at 7:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Off to the vet again today. I'm pretty sure that my dogs are funding the college education of at least one of the vets' kids and possibly some of the children of the veterinary pharmaceutical industry as well. Dammit.

First off, Chester got his free initial puppy exam. He's healthy and happy and it's been determined that he is 6 months old and not 4 months. He has all his adult teeth and that's the determiner apparently. He was well behaved and not too freaked out.

Maddie was back in for her feet. They've ruled out a systemic yeast infection and mites, so we're back to allergy/immune system/bacterial issues. So now we have her on cyclosporine, an immuno-suppressant that they give organ transplant recipients to help them avoid rejecting the new organ. Since allergic reactions are immune related we're going to give this a shot. She's also on 3 weeks worth of antibiotics to help with this latest round of infection.

I just worry about her so much. When he feet are healthy she's much more active and responsive. That's a given, really. If your feet looked like hers you wouldn't want to do anything. I made a promise to Maddie when I got her that I would always take care of her, that she would never be neglected or hurt, that the rest of her life will be spent being loved and adored. It is very important to me that I keep that promise.

On the other hand, now that Chester's settled in, she doesn't get as much rest as she'd like. He's an active puppy. Very active. I was worried that there was something wrong since he didn't really DO anything the first weekend we got him, he was so damned lazy. Now he tears from one end of the house to the other and back again and Maddie is right on him ready to wrestle and scrabble with him. He's probably still too bitey, and I'm training him not to bite me so hard, but Maddie's going to have to deal with that herself. There are moments you can tell he's bitten her too hard and she just wants to kick his ass but she refrains. I don't know why she does, but there it is, some amazing self control.

The dogs are passed out after their afternoon vet ordeal. I'm going to go have some soup.

Posted by Heather at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

I need to finish the dishes and make soup but there is a soft, warm, silky headed puppy flopped on me.

dishes....warm puppy

also, expect to see puppy videos. If there's one thing David and I regret, it's not taking more videos of Ghengis when we had the chance. We have some, but not nearly enough. My god I miss Ghengis sometimes.

Okay, those fucking asshole dishes are not going to wash themselves so i guess I'm on the job again. Sorry soft little puppy who likes to look me in the eye and make a sad little baying noise when he's bored.

Posted by Heather at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

I figured for my 1000th post i would do something spectacular and exciting...but all I've got is another meme. Sorry dudes. Later I'll write about the dogs. you like to hear about dogs, right?

The idea is simple ... copy, bold the things you’ve done and post. I stole this from Lily.

Here are mine:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins (technically they were porpoises)
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends (still do)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married (you know, such as it was)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Posted by Heather at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

David is still being attacked by some foul gastro-intestinal beast. He spent most of Thanksgiving dinner on his sister's sofa. Sad for him, the dinner was delicious. Ryan and Julie did a straight up traditional dinner with the turkey, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and even green bean casserole! My contribuions were pumpkin cheesecake and figgy pear parnouti.

The cheesecake was the Cook's Illustrated spiced pumpkin cheesecake with bourbon cream sauce. I love the Cook's Illustrated recipes because not only are they amazingly detailed but they determine the common problems with a recipe and tackle them for you. The result was a very light, not too wet, not too dry, very tasty pumpkin cheesecake. I'm having a slice right now with the sauce.

Figgy pear parnouti was a recipe I made up based on other recipes I had researched:

5 red bartlett pears
1/2 pound dried Kalamata figs
1 cup toasted walnuts
4 ounces chevre
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup water
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 425
Cut pears in half, cut each half into 3rds, remove cores.
quarter figs
toss pears, figs, and walnuts in a bowl and set aside.
Melt butter and sugar together, whisking constantly. Once it starts bubbling add the water and heat to boiling until the sugar dissolves. Mix in spices.
Dump sugar sauce over pear/fig/walnut mixture and stir to coat. Dump into casserole pan. Cut the corner off chevre wrapper and squeeze out little blobs to evenly dot the surface of the casserole. Bake for 20 minutes. Serve warm.

Variations:
1) use a reisling instead of water in the sugar sauce
2) use mirableu sheep's milk blue cheese

Huzzah for figgy pear parnouti.

Hope you had a happy one my peeps.

Posted by Heather at 2:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Thank you to David for his kindness and gentleness, his humor and strength. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you to my family for all their love and support.

Thank you to Ghengis for granting me our time together short as it may have been.

Thank you to my friends, the ones who make me laugh, the ones who check up on me, the ones who guide and advise me.

Thank you to Maddie for her infinite patience and comfort.

Thank you to Chester for his goofy love and fat feet.

I am one of the luckiest people I know. Even in the midst of bad happenings and hard times there is always good news to be found and places in which to find comfort. Life moves forward, life moves constantly and I am lucky to be surrounded by such good happenings.

Also, I just pulled the most perfect pumpkin cheesecake out of the oven. Perfect in a million ways. I am beyond thrilled. Thank you to cheesecake for turning out so well.

Posted by Heather at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

When David has the stomach flu I end up wiggling the stick and jerkin it up all around town!

So David's all laid up with Stomach flu and I have to make a pumpkin cheesecake and a pear/fig/chevre dish for dinner at his sister's. I'm having ongoing electrical issues with the headlights on my car and so I cannot drive it after dark until we get it figured out. David's car is a manual transmission that I have driven exactly once.

I cannot drive my car as the sun has set.

David is too sick to drive me to the store.

I realized tonight, as I was lurching my way across town that 90% of road rage incidents must come from people driving manuals getting pissed at the jerks who drive too slow and make them get all flustered about hitting the clutch and braking and shifting and all that. That's my theory anyway.

Tomorrow I will post recipes.

Now I must sleep.

Posted by Heather at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Instructions:

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

Clipped
From
Lily

Here's mine:

1. Yourself: round
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): amazing
3. Your hair: porcupine
4. Your mother: supportive
5. Your father: supportive
6. Your favorite item: hoodie
7. Your dream last night: 727
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: BMW
10. The room you are in: mine
11. Your ex: orange
12. Your fear: loss
13. What you want to be in 10 years? adult
14. Who you hung out with last night? family
15. What You're Not? perfect
16. Muffins: buttered
17. One of your wish list items: books
18. Time: construct
19. The last thing you did: exhale
20. What you are wearing: hoodie
21. Your favorite weather: spring
22. Your favorite book: Mieville
23. The last thing you ate: chip
24. Your life: consistent
25. Your mood: calm
26. Your best friend: surprise
27. What are you thinking about right now? answers
28. Your car: irritating
29. What are you doing at the moment? answering
30. Your summer: rocked
31. Your relationship status: wow
32. What is on your TV? predator
33. What is the weather like? cool
34. When is the last time you laughed? hour

Posted by Heather at 6:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Let's look at photos, shall we?

This is my boyfriend. My boyfriend is amazing for any number of reasons. Over the past two years he's innumberable things to make me happy, to see me laugh, to help me feel better. When I was depressed and sad and completely filled with grief over the loss of my Ghengis David went and shaved his beard off leaving this incredibly sexy porn mustache. Every time I looked at him I laughed. He even went to the OPH with it. He held me when I cried, he rubbed my back and wiped my tears...and he wore a porn-stache for me.

The new little Chester kickin' it puppy style.

Best buds in a matter of minutes. Also seen in this photo: the crazy pink sheets we got in NYC. Our bedroom is like a cheap bordello now. Not pictured: the dwn comforter which at the time was in the dryer because Chester is still learning to control his systems (you can see the sleeping bag I was using to stay warm while I waited for the comforter to dry).

this is them, the ones who make me happy and give me reasons.

Posted by Heather at 7:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Paraphrasing David:
"Terrorists always attack regular people and yet the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding goes off without a hitch"

Posted by Heather at 10:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

This is Chester. He's a 6 month old rat terrier and corgi mix. He's very sweet and a little shy and he is the newest member of the family. I was a little worried that Maddie would be defensive about a new dog in her home but I was wrong. Maddie is thrilled peachy to have another little dog to play with. I really underestimated how close Maddie was with Ghengis and I underestimated how much she missed him. Maddie is nothing but happy to have this little guy here even if he is too shy to play right now.

And, let's be honest, it's doing me a world of good to bring some happiness into my home. I won't stop grieving for Ghengis for a long time. I really loved Ghengis with all my heart. I just want to funnel a lot of that energy into something more positive than crying jags and hiding from the world. I am not moving on from Ghengis, I don't think I ever could, but I am adding to my heart another dog.

And you can't argue with loving another dog.

Oh, also, as much as I would have loved naming him Riblet, David just did not like the name. This dog is ours to share and we had to agree on the name and Chester it is.

Please welcome Chester to the family.

Posted by Heather at 3:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Slowly I begin to breathe without the drawn out exhalations. I can wake up without the flood of pain. I can tell stories about my little fella without breaking down and sobbing.

Mostly.

Logic dictates that time will take care of this and I know this is true and so I wait patiently. I pay attention to the phases of grief. I analyse every laugh and every light conversation.

As I come up for air I remember things. Chicken came back. Then Chicken left again. Grellow lost a bit of his tail in the lid to the aquarium but he's no worse for the wear. David's family is all in town this weekend. It's the middle of November and the temps are in the upper 40's. So strange, so very strangely warm.

I received so many emails and notes from people. I really appreciate every kind word said, every tear shared. I cannot replace Ghengis ever, but one day there will be a new little dog.

And I will name him "Riblet"

Posted by Heather at 9:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Today is a day of amazing anger. I am having the worst time keeping it in check. I want my little dog back. I want to kick and punch and scream until he breathes again. I want everyone to hurt as much as I do.

I want to hit everyone who doesn't

I want my dog back

Posted by Heather at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

I underestimated. I thought Maddie would be confused but be fine.
Her pack order is all fucked up, she is reverting to her previous seperation anxiety behaviors. Oh, Maddie, I am so sorry. Not right away, but soon, I will find you another friend.

Posted by Heather at 5:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Grief is a sword without a handle that you swallow and cannot remove. Grief is the inside of your heart shattering and the shards circulating through your body ceaselessly. Grief is an ever growing lead weight in your chest that you cannot vomit up.

If you have a headache you can take a pill, a stomachache can be puked away. Anger can be walked off and joy shared with many.

Grief is inescapable. It is always there. You do what you can to distract yourself, but at any moment a rage of memories will flood through your mind and the pain peaks once again.

Yesterday, many people cried for Ghengis, even a gruff old carpenter stood at my desk and cried with me. Ghengis was so loved by so many people and his loss will be felt for a long time.

Right now, his loss is felt as an amazing, searing pain in my chest that I can ignore for short spurts but cannot escape. I am incredibly lucky to have David here. His ability to comfort me through this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate all of the kind words and sentiments. It shows that not only was Ghengis loved but so am I and so are David and Maddie.

Posted by Heather at 2:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

1/31/2004-11/09/2006
he was a good dog.

Posted by Heather at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Once again, even though we thought we sealed the tank up pretty well, Chicken the Gecko has gone missing.

I have more faith in his ability to survive this time. Last time I figured he died right away and weeks later I discovered I was wrong. This time I am pretty sure he can make in on the spiders and whatnot.

I will try to get pictures of the other lizards as they have grown a lot, but they aren't so keen on being held or photgraphed anymore so it's difficult. maybe I will get some sleeping shots at night.

Posted by Heather at 5:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Yeah, i voted. I voted long and I voted hard. I voted until the electoral process ran down my leg. That's how I voted.

For years Minnesotans chose between liberal and really liberal, even our 'republicans' weren't real GOP republican, just fiscally conservative, Scandinavian none-of-my-business types. Lately it seems this precious and beautiful oasis of liberal thought and social safety nets has been invaded by actual conservatives (fuck you very much, Norm Coleman).

A state filled with unionized miners that understood that unions were good, that collective bargaining meant safe working conditions and living wages instead of getting fired the first time you complained about something. A state full of Scandinavians that kept their noses out of everyone's business but still knew that quality of life was only as good as the lowest rung on the ladder, so they paid higher taxes and didn't mind because it meant better schools, better social programs and a better society all around.

And it was so nice for a while.

Oh well, at least we're not Wisconsin.

All in all things went okay. Most of the people I voted for passed. I voted against the transportation amendmentbut that passed. I'm not so worried about that, they'll end up unpassing it soon enough. Our jackass governor got re-elected. The back of the ballot made me laugh, it was almost all unchallenged judicial seats. Most people don't vote for the unchallenged people because it doesn't matter. I totally vote for them because i fucking love to vote. I love filling in the circles (in minnesota we have simple oval-esque circles next to each of the candidates names, no chads to pop out, no marbles to count, no chickens to kill, just simple circle filling).

In other, non election related news...
The trifecta of the apocalypse is in motion...Doogie Hoswer is gay, Britney is getting divorced and Rumsfeld is out of a job. Could the world be any crazier or unpredictable????

Posted by Heather at 5:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

aaaagh
This weekend I went to Target to get more underpants because when you have a Ghengis nearby you will always lose some percentage of your underpants. He's better about it than he used to be, but still, I'm losing underpants. The last time I went to get underpants they did not have any of the brand I usually buy. Being dumb and naive I assumed that this was some sort of fluke, like a hijacked truck or a cambodian factory disaster.

This time I went back and they were gone gone gone. Gone. Further research on the web tells me that Jockey has completely discontinued the Formfit line. How do you kill an entire line of underpants??? WHY???? My underpants!!!! They were all cottony good and they were cut nicely and fit well and never snugged up on me or stuck out of my pants.

So I was left to view my options. Much of the problem lies in the elastic band. The Formfit elastic band was completely covered in the same material as the panties and stitched in such a way that it didn't rub on you funny or leave icky dig marks. Also, the band was not so wide, it was narrow.

My too options were thus:
1) a narrow band of cheap elastic with stitching on the side that touches your body
2) a too wide band of uncovered elastic that will only get folded over in as I move my body.

Or my third option were some hideous man briefs made to look like tighty whiteys.

I went with option 1 as they were slightly cheaper and the band was narrower and I have a pack of the option 2 and really don't like them. Option 1 (Hanes) sucks hard. The elastic band bites into my skin, the fabric is thinner, I've gotten suggies. Goddammit. All I want are the perfect underpants! and I had them! and now they are gone....gone...

Now, I would not want you to think that the only thing from inside my pants to disappear was my underpants. No, it's not. And if you are squeamish and don't want to hear about tampons or my vagina, you should stop now.

Remember when you first got your period and you tried a few options to see what worked best? Tampons, pads, liners, pretending nothing was happening? In some health class I got one of those flower covered lavender pamphlets about my uterus and all the beautiful ways it would betray me for the rest of my life. It was put out by Tampax so I used Tampax first. Not knowing any better I assumed tampons should be uncomfortable and hard to use, but somehow more grown up than just pads.

As time went on and I got my hands on more disposable income I tried out various options. Price, comfort, leak control and most importably, the ease of depressing that fucking plunger. You don't think about it until you're sitting there in the world's most awkward position, but if you can't get a good grip on the outer sleeve of the applicator then there is no way you're pushing that plunger in.

For a while I settled on Playtex. They had plastic applicators with rounded ends. They inserted easily and the rounded plastic ends actually opened easier than the rounded cardboard ends (which were thicker and stiffer). They also came in "ultra super massive mega absorbent" which was important.

On a few occasions I found myself unprepared and i had to borrow a tampon from a friend or my sister. invariably they had the teeny tiny plastic wrapped bullets known as o.b. tampons. There's something vaguely hippy and wholesome about the o.b. tampon, especially since they didn't come with applicators which are apparently notorious for cluttering landfills.

I loved the o.b. tampon, they were so comfortable, they expanded just right and they almost never leaked. Unfortunately, that 'no applicator' business was just hard. I never mastered exactly how I was supposed to finesse this thing into my body without making a mess. It was bad.

Then they came out with the o.b. with APPLICATOR and my world was fireworks and naked lady dancers and drunken tigers on beach balls. It was that good. For years my vagina and I were getting along great, it would gush, I would plug we'd get through it.

Then, it ended. They stopped making the applicators again. Perhaps they hated me, perhaps they wanted to get back to their hippy roots, perhaps they were just evil wanted to hurt me. Whatever the reason, I stocked up on as many boxes as I could find, but still it wasn't enough. Time marched on and my uterus and vagina were relentless in their monthly sloughing and flowing. I tried a few brands and settled on Kotex. They fit the bill okay I guess, but they'll never bring back those magic days.

Is it wrong to mourn the passing of panties and tampons on the same day? I don't know, but I do know that if you don't vote on Tuesday NONE OF THIS WILL GET BETTER!!!

Posted by Heather at 7:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

I got some good advice and I think I got the issue with IE fixed with this site. Of course, if it isn't fixed those of you on IE won't see this message and be able to say "hey, you're wrong, it's not fixed!"

Who knows.

My opinion on the Saddam thing? Bread and circuses, that's all any of this is anymore. Celebrating his conviction is like celebrating Monday. Did you think it wasn't going to happen? They could have brought him up on charges of jaywalking and found him guilty and sentenced him to death. Now, please, don't misinterpret this and think I am a Saddam supporter or I think his conviction was wrong. I think he is a terrible human being, and while I oppose the death penalty in theory I can't say he doesn't deserve it. All I'm saying is that regardless of the correctness of the situation, it's just a smokescreen, an illusion used to divert our attention. He was never NOT going to be convicted just like Monday is never NOT going to happen.

Bread and circuses, that's all.

Now I'm off to buy cricket food and mealworms and touch the little bunnies because they are softer than you.

Posted by Heather at 4:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Friday I used the last of the coffee beans in my coffee (4 shot americano, but you knew that). Saturday morning I was paralyzed, unable to move. I knew I would not get my bittersweet hit of caffeine goodness anytime soon.

Then the headache started.

and grew worse.

at one point I moved funny, held my breath as I strained and the resultant pain in my head was almost more than I could bear. I grew cranky and recalcitrant but I TRIED to be (if not pleasant) neutral. My head felt like a raw, esposed nerve filled ball of lead. I wanted to cry but the effort would have drawn more pain.

When we got to the coffee shop David had to remind me to not look so cranky, I didn't even realize I was making grumble-face.

We bought more coffee beans, Cafe Fair brand, fair trade organic something or other Machu Picchu blend. Normally, I don't care about organic, free trade coffee beans, but David picked these up once and we tried them and I fell desperately in love. The coffee has a definite bittersweet chocolate flavor to it, they're not chocolate flavored, just the natural chocolate flavor of the coffee has been coaxed out. I now make my coffee at home instead of going to the coffee shop every morning.

I am currently sitting in bed writing thins. David has made me a very strong americano and is bringing me toast with creamed honey and banana slices and peanut butter. Did I mention that David rules? he rules.

Posted by Heather at 11:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

There are numerous reasons why I dig David so much, he can reach things on the high shelves, he has nicknames for me like "Majority" and participates in impromptu dance parties with me. Yeah, it's all good.

The thing is, though, when you really like somebody it is for all the ways they are not like anyone else. You like that thing which makes them unique and special.

Daivd is a damned good shopper. Surprisingly good. I could poll 10 of my female friends (do I have 10? I'm not even sure) and every one of them would tell me that their male counterparts are terrible with the clothes shopping, they don't like to go, they never have opinions, they get cranky and they aren't helpful. David is the exact opposite. He actively seeks out clothes for me, changes out sizes when i need it, offers up options, gives REAL opinions about things, is patient. He's helpful! He's good at clothes shopping. I'm terrible at it, i get so frustrated with it. He's good, he keeps me calm.

We spent the entire day clothes shopping and I learned something. Men's clothes are way cheaper than women's and the sizing makes so much more sense!! We bought lots of clothes, heard the same song 4 times. We shopped for a hell of a long time.

Also, I need to lay off the salami sandwiches for a while. Either that or pants manufacturers need to start sizing for the salami sandwich factor.

Posted by Heather at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Comcast CAN suck my nonexistent nuts!

on the other hand the mailman just came up to the house waking Ghengis from a dead sleep. He was too tired to bark for real but he tried so hard he ended up making a long, piggy snorting noise.

Posted by Heather at 1:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Okay, so I just typed up this angry and vehement post wherein I threatened to make Comcast suck my nonexistent nuts and I railed against people (old white suburbanites) who think today's kids are so much worse than the cleaver and brady kids they remember so clearly from their youth. Also, I wanted to take on those people who hate dogs and bitch about halloween (of course the kids come to your door asking for candy and then leave, what the fuck did you expect? handwritten thank you cards?).

Then I remembered that I needed to stop being so angry about things like that. Anger only replicates itself it solves nothing so I need to calm the fuck down, plus I'm sick as fuck again and threatening to fashion a set of balls so that Comcast can suck them is pretty counterproductive.

So, instead, I'll talk about books because books are sexy in a rectangular and heavy sort of way.

1) Lamb: The gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal
Very funny, well written, engaging. As the title suggests, it's another gospel, this time told from the perspective of Jesus' best friend. It covers the WHOLE life, including those missing 20 years. It's funny and irreverent without being disrespectful. You know how the story is going to end and still it will bring a tear to your eye. All in all, a great big recommendation on that one.

2) The Years of Rice and Salt
Everything you read about this book will tell you that the book is an alternate history, a look at how things would be different if the plague wiped out 99% of the europeans. This is incorrect. This book is a character study, a series of vignettes with characters recurring through history. The loss of the Europeans and the rise of the Chinese and Muslims is secondary and unnecessary. The strength of the book lies in the struggle of the main characters who are reincarnated time and time again, throughout history. Their souls are linked together and their lives cross paths with each iteration. This would have worked with any premise, the plague theory was weak and ultimately uninteresting. The book was very good until the end where it just fell apart. Page after page of theory and belief, the tedium was overwhelming and I ended up only skimming the last chapter. Also, I felt his depictions of the Native Americans as being peace loving noble savages to be entirely too heavy handed. He makes up an elaborate system of government that makes the Native Americans peaceable and logical and it totally ignores the fact that humans really aren't peaceable and logical.Humans will always fight and kill each other and no elaborate system of marriage government and labeling will stop that. I recommend the book as a good read, but really only if you have nothing else to read at the moment.

3) Whale Season
Started it last night, read 121 pages in the tub. Love it. It's not high lit or anything like that. It's smart, funny, observational and weird. I'm hoping to finish it today. The author truly captures those little moments in great detail.

Okay, i'm going to go eat some belgian honeyed goat cheese on crackers and cough until my muscles tear.

Posted by Heather at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

I'm going to answer 2 sets of emails here now...

1) no, i have not jumped off the bridge yet. If you are using internet explorer you might have trouble reading this website. We're working on that. Of course if you are using some versions of internet explorer you can't see this. So, to answer your questions, no, I've not taken the site down or had a breakdown or anything like that, I'm just having a css issue.

2) no, I will not be doing the "post every day" thing. It's a good idea, don't get me wrong, but after 33 years I think I have a good handle on how my mind works and I'm reasonably certain that my self-sabotaging tendencies would kick in and I would post every day until the 5th and then not post for the next 45 days or something like that just to be a big flaming failure at something. I find it best to keep expectations low and not worry about these things. Besides, I already post pretty regularly.

Beyond the negative responses to your emails, what else do I have?

Well, I took the 2nd half of the pumpkin pasta dough, rolled it out and then cut it into very long, 1 inch wide chow fun noodles. I put together a super easy stir fry with lots of sauce (garlic black bean sauce, ginger juice, sriracha, veggie broth all thickened with cornstarch) and boiled up the big flat noodles. Noodles drained and dumped into the stir fry.

Took me 45 minutes to roll and cut the noodles, 15 minutes to actually cook dinner. I wish noodle rolling was faster.

Halloween was quiet, just David and me and the dogs eating black bean tacos and watching The Missing (which sucked) and drinking Spanish red wine (which was good).

Now I must take the dogs for their walk as the law says they're not allowed to walk themselves.

Posted by Heather at 10:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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