The Velvet Cerebellum

The button for the sunroof in my car is on the ceiling. I was driving the other day and went to shut the sunroof. I hooked the button and as it was closing I realized that I was using my middle finger. Essentially, I was driving down the road flipping everyone off.

And I liked it.

Today was another quiet rainy day. We did laundry and curled up on the sofa for a bit. I ran to the store and got stuff for gnocchi dinner, corn chowder tomorrow night and blueberry jam. Making the gnocchi was a bad idea, it required too much kneading and that combined with the crocheting today was just stupid. dammit. Couple more weeks and I have the surgery then I get to recover.

Also, the gnocchi was a bad recipe. The sauce was great but the actual gnocchi (don't ask what kind) was icky. And the recipe made a metric buttload. Damn.

and one final thing...
This is a message to the jackass sitting next to me at Balls last night...Are you listening? Going to see live theatre is very different from hauling your ass to the discount megaplex on a Tuesday night. Do not dangle your legs over the seat in front of you. Do not fucking talk constantly. Do not snicker at the performers (I know they probably chased all the gay people out of Whitefield Park, but you're in the actual city now and gay people are a fact of life). Do not fucking talk constantly. Do not leave your trash on the floor. Do not fucking talk constantly. Do not lean way over the arm rest and take over the seat space of the person next to you unless you have an intimate relationship with said person (and I can guarantee you, you will never have an intimate relationship with me, no matter how far you lean over my seat). Do not fucking talk constantly. If you must leave before the evening ends, do so quietly and during a time that you will not interrupt people. Do not play with your cell phone the whole time. sure sure, we're all impressed that you can take video shots with your phone the way the rest of us can...you don't have to make a big deal out of it.

And finally, if you are going to turn around to talk to your friend in the row behind you, DO NOT REST YOUR ELBOW ON THE SHOULDER OF THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU AS THOUGH SHE WERE PART OF THE CHAIR!!!! I wish I could say I was kidding about that, but I am not. He literally rested his arm on my shoulder when he turned around to jabber at his friends.

Sigh.

Posted by Heather at 3:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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These are the things that make me cranky...

* Puns. Can't stand them. Almost every pun I hear or read is groanworthy. I know people love puns, I'm sure they have their merits. I can not stand them. It's like you're obligated to pretend they're clever when they're not. I also realize that by posting this I am going to receive a number of pun-related comments in my comments section. Dammit.
* Classic Cars. Again, I don't know why but when I see classic cars I want to run them off the road and punch the driver. I honestly don't know why. I don't think they are cool or interesting, only infuriating. I do, however, recognize how irrational this hatred is. I know there is no earthly reason to hate classic cars, they are what they are and they bring happiness to their owners. I still hate them.
* Bruce Springsteen. Hate him. Cannot stand to listen to him. I know why I hate him, though, unlike the previous two issues. In 1984 I was 11 years old, Born in the USA had just been released. One of the big hits from that album was I'm on Fire. Every morning my clock radio would go off and this damned song would be playing. I was a little lost on the concept of metaphor and just got amazingly creeped out byt the situation suggested in the first verse. I could not believe that such a creepy song would be allowed on the air. In Springsteen's defense, he can hardly be held responsible for the confusions of an 11 year old girl, but it was an impressionable time and it's just too late now. Hearing him sing 'My City of Ruins' at the benefit concert shortly after 9/11 did help a bit.
* People that don't understand that a pedestrian at a crosswalk has the right of way. Fuck you impatient drivers, you're in a nice, dry car, I am walking in the rain with 2 hot cups of coffee. Let me cross the damned street.

This post might lead you to believe that I am cranky today. Far from it, I'm in an excellent mood and so far it has been a most excellent day. Good for me. Still have not done the dishes yet. Better get on that!

Posted by Heather at 3:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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it's one of those quiet, snuggly rainy days where I want to bake or read or do both.

Except my duplex neighbor is moving, which is sad but also loud and upsetting to the dogs. It's all standard moving stuff, friends talking, big trucks, doors opened over and over, but my dogs are jackasses and must make sure that they respond to every noise with a "I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE AND DON'T THINK FOR A MINUTE I'M LETTING YOU IN HERE BECAUSE I CAN BARK AND I HAVE A MOUTH" warning bark.

So I got up early and kept the dogs calm and now I think it's time to shuffle down and get coffee.

Maybe I'll do dishes and do a little grocery shopping!

Posted by Heather at 3:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Okay, quicklike.

Thursday night started out with the dog park which is not all that exciting except Ghengis has become some sort of mini-celebrity. More that one person came up to me and said "is that Ghengis? I've heard about him!". Now, Ghengis is cute, I'll grant that, but I'm still not sure where this fame is coming from. The lady from the children's book store fell in love with him, it was so cute. She owned a lab/shar pei (and possibly mastiff) mix that was 8 months old and so damned cute!

Dog park. I swear to god this is the happiest place on earth.

After the dog park, David and I decided to go out. I decided it was a date, he decided it was going out and having fun. It's a battle of semantics that I will win, even if I only win in my head.

It was "Dining out for Life" night (which I keep calling "Dining out for AIDS" by accident giving it a completely different meaning) and so we picked a restaurant and headed out figuring we'd do dinner and then catch the 10pm showing ov V for Vendetta as we have not yet seen that.

The restaurant had a wait of over an hour when we got there. I'd been to this place before and it was a weird little run-down hole in the wall kind of place with great latino food. Now it had been completely remodeled and it seems that everyone found out. Damn. The food looked great but we didn't really want to wait an hour so we considered our options. Pizza Luce was a couple blocks down, but I'm still Luce'd out and we wanted to go somewhere relatively new. So we settled on Crema cafe which has just started dinner service.

I don't know how long Crema has been doing actual dinner service but it's obvious they have some kinks to work out of the system. The ordering system was just weird, sit at a table with your menus, pick your stuff, get up and get in line with the ice cream orderers, order your meal, sit down, meal is delivered. The food wasn't bad but it also wasn't great. I had the bucatini al bolognese and the sauce was good but the noodles were wrong. The sauce needed flat, wide noodles to hold onto. David's dinner was okay, the salad was way bland. We also ordered a bottle of wine, a highly recommended Portuguese red. My initial tasting was good so I accepted the bottle but after a few good drinks I realized it was a bad choice. It was all high notes almost to the point of being metallic. It had good body and wasn't terribly dry, but it was also pretty singular.

But! The lady who took the order forgot to write the bottle of wine on the ticket. When the cashier rung us up later we asked her about it and she didn't feel like running the card again so she gave us the wine for free.

And we (I) couldn't leave Crema without ice cream. They had an Olive Oil ice cream (with fleur de sel) which I tried and really disliked. I ended up going with the cardamom/black pepper ice cream. Heavenly.

We ate our dinner out in the little courtyard they have. It was absolutely date-like regardless of what David wants to call it.

The night ended up getting late so instead of going to the movie we headed home for other things.

All in all, a wonderful date night.

And today...
Today I worked on grinding Anna's soul down even more and then building it back up with Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I'm good like that. I'll hurt you, but I will mend you with treats.

Posted by Heather at 3:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Why are there no good murder ballads anymore? I always loved good murder ballads. What the hell does that say about me? Hell, I didn't even know thay were a specific genre.

On the other hand I have the Decemberists singing to me about lost, dead baby ghosts, teenage runaway prostitutes, sailors being eaten by whales and what your mother has to do to get the money to feed you! I've been on a Decemberists kick since, well...December.

So when you see that girl in the volvo driving down the street belting out a song about gay love in the trenches of world war one, you'll know that's me.

This week at work has been crazy and it's only Tuesday. I have, however, vowed not to write about either situation here out of a sense of propriety and because I don't want to get dooced! But, as my friend Mark said today, "work is great, you just sit back and the entertainment is free".

Yeah, i got nothing unless you want a box filled with whining about how much my hand hurts, how much I like my dogs or how David consistently surprises me with happy.

Posted by Heather at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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part 1
David's mom was in town this week. Unrelatedly, I had battled some sort of stomach fluishness. To tie these two together...I ate Ethiopian food, tamales, Thai food and South Indian food (not to be confused with the more popular northern Indian foods). My belly suffered but the food and the company were great.

part 2
My phone was fucked for 2 weeks. Couldn't figure what the deal was. Sometimes it would ring, sometimes it wouldn't. Futzing with it caused it to crash in some way. Crashing caused it to shut down. Shutting down reset it and it work. Moral? I should have just restarted it like a petulant computer. If I did not answer your call this week (Mark!) I apologize.

part 3
I discovered that the mini-documentary about how they made "Winged Migration" was infinitely more interesting than the actual movie. Especially when you find out that they shot the bird themselves for the hunting scenes.

part 4
I laid down a tad too much cash on the dogs today while at the pet store. I like to keep it in perspective, though...kids are infinitely more expensive and dogs are more appreciative. While I was out tonight Maddie got into the Snausages and ate 4.2 million pounds! David and I went out for sandwiches and pet shopping. I thought Ghengis was going to throw a tantrum when we left without him! We took him to the dog park when we got back and he cheered right up. Asshole.

part 5
We went to go see Consequences of Love tonight, but there was a shipping problem or something so they showed the Al Franken movie again. It was amusing but something is very clear to me. It does not matter what side you're on, it does not matter if I agree with you or not. If you are in politics or political media in anyway you are an ass. Period. Both sides. Asses. I could not believe that with so many important issues that need to be discussed how often debates devolved into arguments over semantics and name calling. Screw you guys! Seriously, fuck you! How about instead of acting like a bunch of babies you get something done! Gloating, name calling, whining, picking apart sentance structure? USELESS! I'm sending this out to both sides! I'm standing here with my arms crossed, my foot tapping in disgust. Get your shit together or put the toys away and go home. I mean it about sendign this out to both sides, O'Reilly and Franken, you both should be ashamed of yourselves!

part 6
David and I rode out bikes over to the Riverview to see the aforementioned movie. It is approximately 8.7 billion miles uphill each way. No lie. I'm going to reward myself with an ice cream. Go me.

part ps
I know I shouldn't, but I started crocheting again. I owe so many people so many gifts and my hand just does not want to work but I found this pattern and I figured I'd work on it slowly and maybe make soemthing for myself for once I'm doing it in variegated japanese wool. Wish me luck. (then it's a beaded bag for a certain Canadian munchkin, baby blankets and slippers for Mary and a scarf for Evie's buddy!).

Posted by Heather at 3:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Went back to work yesterday and promptly came home after 2 hours. Still sick.

I spent the time at home being constructive. I cleaned out my 'crap' closet, organized my filing and cleared off the dining room table (aka the flat filing cabinet). I also put the christmas decorations away!

Having the dining room table cleared inspired me to get some photos printed so I hauled out the printer and ended up covering the dining room table in photos. I printed more photos than I have frames for, but that just means I will have to get creative with my photos.

I haven't mentioned lately how much I LOVE my photo printer, but I do! and I love how easily iPhoto plays with the printer. It's positively dreamy!

Back to work...
I am discovering that my job entails way way more detail than I realized. The system I have laid out seems so inherently logical but that's because I made it. Poor Anna is trying to figure it all out and she only works 2 days a week. I'll write something up for her before I go.

It also didn't help that I was feeling very impatient today. The pms and the being sick and all that, it doesn't make for good training.

Tonight David and I went out for tamales and then over to the Riverview cafe where we saw Al Franken carting his giant skull across the street to the MSPIFF opening festivities. He really does have a big skull! Anyway, we sat and listened to the open mic players for a bit then drove around town comparing houses.

And now, after the tamales and chai and driving, my belly is back to rolling a bit. Crap.

Rock on party people!

Posted by Heather at 3:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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David and I have been trying the different mexican places on Lake st. Last night David brought me a burrito con barbacoa sin cebollas! It was damned tasty, if a bit salty.

Later, we headed over to the lake for a walk. I need to remember to bring my camera. We pondered the ducks, the flowering trees, the bird and fish bones.

I curled up and read Lovecraft and considered how television and media are making us cynical. I'd never read Lovecraft before, I'm reading a collection of short stories and they're good, but not nearly as scary as I'd hoped.

Later I did dream I was trapped on an island and people we could not see were hunting us, so I guess they do work.

Or maybe it wasn't the book, maybe it was the burrito! At 2 am I woke up with a terrible rolling and pain in the belly. blergh. I have a theory that when you eat something truly evil it is evil on multiple dimensions and can send out quantum threads and strings and grab previous meals and pull them out of the digested dimensions.

At 2am I lost (in reverse order of being eaten) the evil burrito, french fries and chicken fingers, a large americano, ice cream with chocolate and cookies, lambchop asparagus and cherry cobbler, the #5 mcdonald's breakfast, another americano, a handful of chips, swedish pancakes and coffee, and a cheeseburger and fries.

Everything I ate this weekend ripped from the cosmos and run in reverse through my system.

I truly wanted to die.

Instead I slept late and did the one thing that really brings me comfort. I got out my mom's china teapot, made up copious amounts of Earl Grey Tea, put on my velvet fat pants and my goofy white tiger cub t-shirt and curled up on the sofa with the dogs.

I'm cranky and I don't feel good. Leave me alone.

Posted by Heather at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Happy Happy with the Easter and all!

Since my dad had to fly his poptycopters saving lives today (he flies MediVac helicopters) we did Easter at his place last Sunday which meant I got to spend Easter at my mom's today.

Absolutely perfect perfect day for a drive. We bundled the jerkasses into the car and started off. First order of business was to get coffee, THEN it was off to the high holy easter sunday breakfast picked up from the McDonalds drive thru! Sausage egg mcmuffins, hash browns, orange juice! McDeath!

Easter dinner at my mom's was lovely seared lambchops, asparagus, bread, tzatziki and cherry cobbler.

After simple holy day chillin' with my mom and the dogs we headed down to David's sister's place to spend some time with his family since his mom is in town for a week or so.

The dogs had a great big crazy day. Got to go to my mom's, they tried to eat her cats (not that they would have succeeded, her cats are mean!) then at Julie's Ghengis ran his little ass off in the back yard. Maddie tried to beat up Mia, the sweetest little rottweiler in the world. Mia, being so sweet, just rolled on her back for Maddie. Ghengis even snuck under the fence into the neighbor's yard and I had to lure him back with cookies.

Now they are major passed out and I'm exhausted.

Happy easter, party people!

Posted by Heather at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Sorry, these have to be short, stupid wrist

* My sister actually has a freaky scary infection in a nerve in her gum. She's freaked out, the doctor is freaked out, I'm freaked out. Please send good thoughts her way, it is much worse than I realized.
* Am I morally obligated to not use my hand much at home so I can get the most out of it at work? On one hand (snork) it is just work and I do have vacation and sick time if I need it. On the other, non-bump affected hand, they are paying me and so i should give them what they paid for. I don't know. I had to leave an hour early yesterday because my hand hurt, later in the evening I made flat bread which made it hurt worse and in the process I thought maybe I should not have made the flat bread because it wasn't fair to compromise my work hours. Opinions?
* I discovered that $13 is a LOT of money for a dozen condoms. Walgreens will never see another condom related dollar from (unless I am too lazy to go to Target)
* Speaking of Target, I desperately need to go there and buy an electric can opener. I feel like a number one atard because I cannot operate the can opener anymore.
* The weather is LOVELY. LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY. The sun is bright, the dogs are happy, everything feels hopeful.
* Wearing a padded wrist brace in warm weather is a bad and stinky idea. bad and stinky.

Be good to yourselves, party people.

Posted by Heather at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This is the quickie "my hand fucking hurts" post

1) Easter at my dad's last night because he will be working on Easter Proper.
2) Easter Proper at my mom's. Lamb! YUM.
3) My sister had to cancel "Fried Chicken Night". I weep. She has some sort of infection in her gums or something. I giggle.
4) Saturday David went kayaking and Ghengis and I took a nice long hike in Moose Lake State Park while we waiting to meet him at the pick up point. Pictures will be posted in Ephemera when I feel like it.
5) Have condoms always been so expensive or have I just never noticed? A box of 12 was over $13. Is this normal? They weren't crazy or anything, just trojans of some sort or another. On the other hand, I guess I don;t mind, I think bargain basement condoms are a bad idea
6) Ghengis is starting a band, Funktomic Bomb and the Mushroom Crowd. Maddie will be on keyboards, he still needs a drummer.
7) Surgery, May 16, 2 weeks off with narcotics. YEAH!

Posted by Heather at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I am so in love with Anna right now.

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

Addendum...
Who knew I could love Anna even more

I'm going to go weep for happy now

Posted by Heather at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Dear future photographers of america...
I'm no expert on art, but I work at an art college and 6 years of watching installation after installation has left me bitter and cynical about the future of art in america.

Today I want to talk to you, the photography students. I'm not going to tell you what is good or what the world needs, I'm going to tell you what we DON'T need. Seriously.

We don't need anymore photos of emo chicks with thick eye make-up staring despondently off at something the audience can't see. We especially don't need said emo chicks in 'ironic' non-emo outfits like a princess dress or a french maid outfit. The world has an excess of these photos, a surplus. It would actually be immoral to make anymore photos like this until we have used up the ones we have. No more pictures of emo chicks.

The 'emo chick' photo trend is just an offshoot of the 'old person in desolate surroundings staring off into space' photo. I'm sure it was a necessity since art college kids mostly don't know poverty stricken, lifeworn old people...but they do know emo chick. Still, it has to be said, "stop taking pictures of the grizled old people!!". Stop it. You are not Dorothea Lange and channeling gobs of your parents money into the gaping maw of art education isn't going to help you.

Get used to it.

Lastly we have the "urban decay" files. There are only so many weird angles at which to capture abandoned smokestacks, rusty dumpsters or condemned buildings and we've all seen them. Yeah, we all know that industrial growth has left an indelible and ugly footprint on the cityscape. You wanna know how we know? because generations of fucking photography students have been showing us.

That's my message to you, the future coffee baristas of the world, take a better picture.

and in 180 degree news...
David returned from Wisconsin and there was much rejoicing. He leaves again tomorrow to go kayaking and camping. I will miss him again, but there will be much rejoicing at his return.

I started training Anna in on my job duties for the time she is covering for me while I am out on leave after my surgery. Damn. My job has a million tiny bits of info that I don't even think about but I have no idea how to transfer that info into her head easily. The crappy thing is that I'm only going to be gone a few weeks and after the first week I will be available to help by phone so it just seems like a pain to dump 6 years of experience into her head for only a few days of use.

Plus, I know where everything is and what all the piles of paper are for. I don't want to have to explain it.

Why can't we just make a hologram of me??

it's raining and it smells like spring rain.

Updating will be sporadic for a while. Typing this post has put my wrist to throbbing. I'm trying to avoid using my hand when I can. damn.

Posted by Heather at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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yeah...I got nothing.

With David being in Wisconsin for a few days I took the day off to revel in the solitude.

And I did what i always do, I cooked. Pretty much spent the day cooking, watching movies, eating ice cream, running errands and chilling.

Oh, and arguing with the dogs about appropriate behavior.

Dammit, I think I need to talk about anal sex again or something. That was a post that got a lot of interest. Perhaps I'll write about oral sex or masturbating soon.

I'll dazzle you with sex and you won't even notice the color scheme!

Dammit, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Crap. I like staying home!

Posted by Heather at 3:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I got smacked. Hard.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. Good points were made. Some of the posts ARE boring. I know. My life has become boring in many ways. Also, I like the color scheme but I can see how it would be a problem. Are you reading this, Mark? Are you?? Take this advice to the design you are doing for me. You ARE still doing that, aren't you?

You know why the titles aren't bold? Because I started this blog so damned long ago that 1) it wasn't a 'blog' because at that time a 'blog' was a website where someone listed cool links they had found. This was referred to as a 'webjournal'. This was started so damned long ago we didn't have movable tpe or blogger or livejournal to base our templates on. I'm old. This is so old that when I started it, it didn't occur to me to title the posts, so the titles are an afterthought. Hell, it takes a while for me to even start titling the posts. It's a good point, though, the titles should be bold. Perhaps I'll start bolding my titles.

She like Ghengis' name. That's pretty cool.

If you read the comments, you can see that lots of people hate the color scheme. Sigh. I like it. I didn't design it though.

Alright, I'm still migrating over to the new place (it's taking forever because I am slow and lazy) and these are good suggestions. The new place is on Movable Type software so it will have that uniformity of look and feel to it. Hopefully, Mark is actually working on the colors...Mark?

Okay, I have today off. I should actually get out of bed and do something more interesting so I'll have something interesting to write about. Dammit, I knew it was getting boring around here.

Posted by Heather at 3:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Met with the orthopedic surgeon today, got my x-ray and everything. Damn woman! She's all grabbing my wrist and bending it around and jabbing her fingers into it. Does this hurt? Well, yes, as a matter of fact it does fucking hurt. You're jamming your goddammed fingers into an unnatural growth in my body!

Yeah, you know that twisting? The pulling? that hurts too!

Actually, she was pretty cool about it. Scheduled surgery and got everything all set up. Neat? Yeah.

The shitty part about this is that I will have to forego the 666 birthday party. Shit. This sort of thing happens once in a...I don't know, a century? Well, suffice to say I'll not be around or in a partying sort of mood the next time it happens.

Is it totally wrong to reschedule your surgery so you can have a party? Seriously? Because I was really looking forward to this. I wonder if this has anything to do with my mom and her praying. MOM! Did you pray me out of my apocalyptic party?? DID YOU??? Don't you forget I'm gonna be picking out your nursing home!

Shady Acres Rest Home or Square Peg in a Round Hole Home for Delinquent Seniors? Your choice, mom...your choice. Stop praying me out of my hell-themed birthday parties.

hmmmm early surgery or good birthday party...

oooh, also I learned that I lost the statistics game with this damned cyst. It seems that if you have one and you have it removed there is only a 20% chance of getting another one. If you beet the 80% and get your second cyst and have it removed then you're pretty much assured to get them forever. Or something like that. Me, I'm the statistical freak!

and now, I will leaver you to ponder this...is it really so wrong to drink beer and watch your dog try to hump a pillow? is it? (no, I didn't actually let him)

Posted by Heather at 3:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Today I managed to cram all of my calories into one 3 hour period at the end of the day. That's the really healthy way to do it, right? Skip food all day then at the end of the day shove as much high calorie food in and then go to bed! It's a great plan.

Today the dreary grey got the best of me. I slept too late, moved too slowly, got distracted. Took me almost 3 hours to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. It should have took me no more than an hour but I kept wandering away, staring off into space...being useless.

After sleeping too late I decided to make my americano and get the dishes done before I made food (or sent david off to get some), but the dishes took so damned long.

By the time I finished it was dinner time. Trying to be a pleasant and lovely girlfriend I decided to make a nice dinner for david before he went out of town (but also I was slow and lazy so it couldn't bee too extravagant). Sesame crusted tofu with stir fried veggies in a fermented black bean and leftover flat Kristian Regale sauce (it was good! don't you wrinkly your nose at me!).

Two giant plates served up and then we remember we hae to meet Dean and crew after their Fool Fest show at Mickeys Diner. Damn. You can't go to Mickeys without getting at least a banana malt.

I'm fat for a reason, people, and that reason is a large banana malt and a plate of fries not 3 hours after a large dinner.

David leaves tomorrow for a few days. My plan whenever I am left alone (as I have this habit of living with people who eat way healthier than I do. You know those women who date guys with problems because they want to fix them? yeah, I'm the opposite. I'm the one dating healthy people so I can ruin them.) is to get massive amounts of bbq carry out and pig out in a slovenly manner. That's just monday. After that I am hoping to make a couple batches of jam and maybe a batch of lemon cheese.

Woo, let's hear it for the chica who know how to live it up!!!!

Posted by Heather at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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cj and peepee09 (and any other former pucer)! I need you to email me when you get a chance.

Thanks.

ps sorry to the rest of you, but I don't have their emails.

Posted by Heather at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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