The Velvet Cerebellum

The problem with not taking time to write is that you end up with lots of crap to talk about. So I'll try to be concise (ha).

Dim sum on saturday to celebrate chinese new years. The food was excellent and I gorged myself on tiny dumplings and little ribs and sticky buns. They had the lion dancers in there, so much fun. I always thought they were dragn dancers, but, it seems I was wrong. They're lions. Who knew? The chinese knew, I guess.

I'm falling in love with The Demeberists all over again. Incredible lyrics, simply stunning wordfucking. Similar to Mike Doughty but evocative of entirely different realms. Am I in love? Well, I do want to take their Picaresque cd, nail it to the floor and rub my caramel covered body all over it. you tell me.

Ultra super muddy dogpark and the happiest little fella in the world. happiest until he got home and got a throrough bath including his ears and between his toes.

King Kong! HA! YEAH! If you completely turn off the logic part of your brain, this is an incredibly fun movie to watch. Once you start thinking logically, it all goes to hell. Kong and his family lived in the temple/cave thing for generations and yet none of them thought to do anything about the giant bat infestation??? On the other hand, it was completely retarded but I loved the t-rex trapeze artistry!

Midnight cheeseburger at Denny's and I wasn't even drunk!

Sunday was lay in bed listening to Prairie Home Companion and Car Talk with the boy then soaking in the tub and eating pizza. Made miso soup with udon and wakame for dinner, hot fudge sundae cake for dessert and a loaf of sundried tomato bread for lunches.

Monday I found out a secret that has me bursting at the seams with happy but I can't tell anyone at work yet. There's a lot of crocheting in my future.

Today is Ghengis' birthday. He's 2. He has graduated from apprentice fella-ship to full fledged fella! I am so proud.

On my countertop right now I have a crock pot with a cooling chuck roast, a bread machine making honey-oat-wheat bread and a rice machine making...well..rice. The chuck roast will get divided (all the goo and fat fed to Ghengis as a birthday celebration) and used in my lunches. Tomorrow's lunch will likely be shredded beef on rice with salsa verde and a slice of tomato bread. and so on.

I've been feeling very nesty and domestic lately. What's up with that? Wish I could improve my cleaning skills, but I've learned not to stress. I need to finish my next scarf by Saturday AND get 2 scarves in the mail to canada AND finish the new website migration so I can start making little beaded bags and filet lace.

This morning I realized it was only Tuesday. Shit. Thought it was Thursday for some reason. Kind of put a damper on the day. Day dampened until I got home and found that David had picked up some salsa verde for me! He expressed concern that the last source in town for Herdez Salsa Verde might also be running out...

I hope this wasn't too long or jam packed.

Posted by Heather at 2:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I need an incentive to get the new site done. I really hate my host and I need to get migrated and everything has been sitting in stasis since fall (though I have a good excuse). So I need me a goal.

I think I cannot buy crochet thread and beads until I get the old stuff migrated which means that I cannot make the cutest little beaded purse until I get it done.

Mark, are you reading this? I'm moving forward and I'm lighting a fire under your butt as well! Normally, I would not light fires under the butts of my friends, but you know, this has to be done and all that! Let me know what you need from me.

Also, David is downstairs making loon noises and the dogs are going crazy up here.

Posted by Heather at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

1) to all those people who whine about global warming, all I have to say is, "go back to the moon you fucking hippies!". It was 46 degrees today in the middle of January. It smelled like spring. I give it 2 years, maybe 3, before the ocean creeps across the country and stops at the Mississippi River. At that time I will live less than a mile from the ocean and will hopefully have pelicans living in my back yard. See, I don't have to move out east, I can be patient and the ocean will come to me. The ocean is coming to me!!!

2) I check the stats on my site about once or twice a week. Nothing terribly exciting, mostly I'm interested in seeing which search terms got people here (why! why, if you already know the url would you put it in the search box?? People, that just does not make sense!!!!) and where I'm linked from. Most links are ones I know about, friend's sites or comments I have left places. A few are perplexing, I'm linked on a rock band's site. Of course my favorites are when I'm linked on pages that are secret or blocked or password protected. OOOOH!!! Super secret hidden!! What sort of shenanigans are afoot that I would be mentioned in such a secretive setting??

3) I've eaten far too much today and none of it any good. I need to only eat good things from now on. I don't mean good-for-me things, just things that taste good. There are a finite number of meals left in my life, I should love each one.

4) Obligatory dog update...Ghengis has another ear infection, 5 drops twice a day should clear that up. Maddie still stares at me with undying affection. Her foot is healing beautifully. Still trying to coordinate a Milo-Ghengis play summit.

5) I found my camera cable! Go me! Now I can get more pictures going. HUZZAH!

6) anyone wanna go to chicago with me? I need to go to Trader Joes!

Posted by Heather at 2:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

People ask me with regularity why I don't write a book, or they suggest that I should, or they demand it. Or whatever. The subject comes up. Invariably I answer "because my constitution isn't strong enough for alcoholism", trying to conjure images of say Dashiel Hammet pounding away at his trusty Underwood will pounding away at his trusty bottle of rye.

You know what I mean.

and of course it should be noted that this website is not the only example in existence of my writing. So before you think "christ, the only thing this bitch can write about is dogs and her own butt" think again.

No, wait, you might be right. I enjoy writing. Or more specifically, I enjoy words. I love a dry wit and a good turn of phrase, I love wordplay. I love people who not only write well, but creatively and with passion.

but it's not enough to be able to fingerfuck the english language into a fenzied orgasm. A good turn of phrase, like a pretty smile or a good pair of tits will really only get you so far.

The real reason why I do not want to write a novel is because, quite honestly, I have nothing to write about. Anything I do write would probably be as interesting as one of those Oprah book club emo-fests. You know the ones where 'stark circumstances' and 'inner strength' become emotional crutches for the wiener set?

Or even worse, I could totally see me writing one of those terrible chick-lit books with the garrish pink cover and the woozily stylized drawing of sunglasses or flip-flops. Yeah, fuck that.

So, what I'm saying is that I recognize in advance the utter lack of meaningful story in my head. I think Norman Mailer recently said that the great american novel is dead, and I think he might be right.

Or at least mine is.

Posted by Heather at 2:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I'm so addicted to my bread machine. It's making dough for whole wheat buns so I can bring my lunch to work and save money and stop eating the crap in the cafeteria. This is the fourth thing I've made with it since sunday. I'm a nutball for the bread.

Today's one of those days. I was completely hyper most of the day, but entirely unfocused. I destroyed an important excel document because of my full on a-tardation. Had to email my boss and ask him for his copy. I'm so dumb.

The other night, after I fell down, i noticed that I had scraped my wrist a bit. Then I noticed the bump. Back in '95 I developed a ganglion cyst in my wrist right at the point where my median nerve enters the dreaded carpal tunnel (I just like to call it dreaded). My lack of insurance meant I had no real medical options at the time. I had to let it go for almost 2 years before I got insurance (yay for living in one of the wealthiest countries in the world!! I'm lucky it was just a cyst, I'd hate to see what would've happened if I truly got sick). In that time it grew and it pressed the nerve against the tendon and caused some damage. To this day I still get tingly fingers and I can't quite open my thumb all the way.

I had surgery and assumed that day surgery meant super fantastico easy. Jesus, no. I was out of work for a week just dealing with the pain and the pain killers and the sheer exhaustion. then I had my hand in a cast for about a month, during which time I COULD type, but it would make my hand go numb.

Anyway, the lump is back. I'm not thrilled about it. The options, as laid out to me before were to drain it and have it come back frequently, or remove it.

I'll keep you posted on what the doctor says. I mean, I could use a week off work, but I prefer it be for fun and not involve garbage bags on my arm during showers and trying to wipe my ass with the wrong hand (try it sometime, it's not as easy as you think).

Posted by Heather at 2:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Clear the goddammed ice from your fucking sidewalks or I will punch you in the temple two times, the second time so hard you will die twice and come back as someone getting punched in the temple a third fucking time. 2 times in one block I slipped and fell on ice hidden under the beautiful, bucolic powdery snowfall. Once I almost hit my face on a retaining wall. Both times I landed on my knees. I'm so fucking cranky right now.

To cheer me up, I will write about my dogs.

Ghengis: To get my attention and let me know that he REALLY wanted to go on his alk so he could get his poop on, Ghengis jumped on my arm, shoved his nose deep into my ear and inhaled as hard as he could. Go now, find someone you trust, have them stick a very cold wet sponge to their nose then have them cram this nose-sponge into your ear and breathe deeply. All I could do was stare at the dog in wonderment. Of course he returned my gaze with a look that said "I discovered something better than my own butt".

Maddie: Maddie farts. She farts a lot, but lately her farts have become something completely beyond the realm of reality. Her butt whistles when she does. Whistles! Like a train in the distance, like a siren song for the emotionally unfit, like a beautiful undiscovered bird in the forest. She's completely uninterested, she just farts constantly and the music fills the house.

Posted by Heather at 2:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Sometimes you have to yell the strangest things. "WE DO NOT HUMP DOGS IN THIS HOUSE!". How do you explain to a 2 year old dog that it's okay for the people to hump but it is not okay for him to hump Maddie. I mean I guess if she was into it....but she's not. She's just not down with the Ghengis-hump. She likes him and everything, she just doesn't see him that way. It's not him, it's her.

This is kind of a new thing in the Ghengis/Maddie dynamic. I mean, sure, G went through a rather extended (and upsetting) hump-phase. I share the details with the people I'm upset with in order to upset them (with legs as short as his, he's hung to the floor). Eventually, after I got his nuts lobbed off, he stopped.

Now, 7 months after Maddie joins us he starts up. I don't know if it's a dominance game for him or if he's just doing some standard regression right before he turns 2. Who knows. All I know is that I find myself yelling things like "we do not hump dogs in this house" and "hey! humping is for people!" too often. I wonder if my neighbor can hear me.

Also, the weight loss mystery has been solved. I've mentioned before about how too many people say that I look like I have lost weight even though it would not be possible at all (if it were possible, I'd make a million dollars on my dorito and ice cream and coffee and cigarette and chicken fingers diet). I had to ponder what the deal was. I'm not losing weight, my clothes don't fit me any differently. So what's the deal?

The deal is that I have a fat personality! When I am not around, people think of me, but they imagine me as much fatter than I am. When I show up later they're surprised that I'm not nearly as fat as the picture in their head and they think I have lost weight. It's the only explanation that makes sense.

I'm fat on the inside, and it shows!

Posted by Heather at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

We had the COZIEST weekend! Friday night I made veggie molé burritos, he played his zombie game and I worked on a new scarf for a coworker.

Saturday I got up early and met the Minnesota Jam Queen for breakfast. I ate the absolute BEST swedish pancakes I'd ever had. I could write poems about these things, light, decadently eggy without being dense, perfect. I was in heaven. Afterward we headed over to Penzeys for some much needed spice shopping. I've got my trips down to once a year. Mostly I just pick up replacement spices and herbs. I picked up some sweet curry and some of their chili con carne spice. Both of these have a lot of flavor without any heat. I appreciate that because it means I can make a dish to any heat level. I picked up some sanaam peppers (which have a medium heat rating) to use to heat things up as I need to. I also own their ground chipotle powder which is wonderfully smokey, but as such is kin dof limited in its application. It's just not right in curries.

I kept my haul pretty low, though I did manage to fill a whole bag.

We then made a quick stop at the grocery store where I picked up three bags of flour to feed my bread machine addiction. 2 bags of bread flour and one whole wheat. I wanted to get some whole grains, but Kowalski's, while hip and happy, is not so much into the whole grain thing. The few whole grain mixes and flours they had were exceptionally overpriced. I need to head over to the co-op and freak the bulk bin section.

The last stop was Brianno's where we picked up the most delightful basil vinaigrette.

I got home and whipped up a quick lunch of sliced italian bread with the basil vinaigrette and tomatoes for the boy and I.

Then it hit. I'd noticed that the sausage with my breakfast was a tad underdone. I didn't mind, I don't get freaked out over the things that are a tad underdone. I know for as much as people freak, a little undercooked pork isn't going to kill you. It will, however, give you an oogly belly for the rest of the day. I slid into bed around 3 hoping to sleep it off. Got up around 6:30 and knew it wasn't going away. It wasn't terrible, it was just unbalancing. So, I sent David out on his own to chill with his friends and I watched season two of Sealab 2021 while crocheting.

Before I went to bed I set up the bread machine with a loaf to be ready by 10:30 in the morning.

This morning we awoke to the lovely scent of fresh bread filling the house. After some lazy sunday morning cuddling, is there anything better than cuddling up with a boy and two dogs? on the most comfortable bed in the world?! It's like you're a little snuggle bunny and the whole world is working on keeping you warm and happy.

When I finally did extricate myself from the happy rumple, I went to make coffee and get the bread ready. David soon joined me and I got breakfast on the table. Fresh, hot bread, slathered with butter and the Jam Queen's very own Cherry jam. So delicious. I'm a big fan of cherry jams and I like this one a lot as it's not too sweet and it's crammed full of cherries.

Over breakfast the Jam Queen and I discussed jam making. I have ideas for making jams and chutneys, things that would be very different and creative. The thing is, I'm afraid to preserve or can any of these things as I do not want to kill anyone. She assured me that I could not kill anyone with fruit jams and explained the various processes to me. It's fairly easy and I feel confident enough to get started. I may not be super creative or confident, but the one thing I am good at in the kitchen is combining unlikely flavors. I can throw in an ingredient that is super subtle but would round out the high notes of a dish so you end up with a more full bodied flavor. I add different seasonings to things that will 'sound' at different moments so you'll taste say something citrus, then cinnamon, then some ginger, then maybe the slow heat of a pepper.

I want to utilize this skill and make some jams, both sweet and savory.

I'll keep you posted on the progress, I won't tell you all the flavors I have in mind. If they don't turn out I won't tell you about them.

This afternoon I sent David to the store while I cleaned the kitchen and when he returned I made dinner. I made a 3 bean chili with fake meat (one of my dishes that showcases the way that I manipulate flavors) along with a loaf of jalapeño cheddar bread. Dinner was good and I have enough of everything to pack lunches for both of us.

Please note that I made two loaves of bread in a day. this is the problem with having a bread machine, you eat too damned much bread and butter.

After dinner I made a curly scarf for a certain little girl and I am searching for maybe a complimentary purse pattern.

An uneventful dog walk and now I am up way too late. This was my cozy weekend with the boy. It was so relaxing I really don't want it to end.

Posted by Heather at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I know I need to be updating the photos on the sidebar. I currently have almost 4800 photos in iPhoto to choose from. The problem is that 4700 of those are dog photos. If I had my way I'd post dog photos every damned day.

and the funny thing is, this is my website. MY website. It's not a democracy here, it's not even a representative republic. No way, my website is a petty dictatorship with a population of 1. I can post whatever the hell I want in there.

But of course I have to understand that posting whatever the hell I want (pictures of dogs or pictures of my cleavage) would result in U.N. sanctions and possibly some carpet bombings.

Maybe I'll give in, share the photos and suffer the consequences! God knows I've got nothing much going on since it's winter.

Posted by Heather at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Last night I went to wash and rebandage Maddie's foot. I was concerned because it was still bleeding. It's not easy to change the bandage on a dog's foot, you have to get them up on the bed and start doing belly rubs so they'll roll onto their backs. Then you cut off the old bandage, shoving the other dog away the whole time. Get the dog in the tub with only enough water to allow you to wash her foot. Wash the foot thoroughly twice to be sure you got everything.

Dog out, feet dried, follow her to the sofa and get her on her back. Put goo on a bandaid, shove the other dog out of the way again, apply band aid then medical tape. Pull off the medical tape because it's too loose. Add more.

When you are satisfied, get into bed. Your dog will jump up onto the bed, walk up to you and shove her giant head into your neck as a way of signifying that she is upset and needs comfort.

Allow the wheels of guilt and uncertainty roll around in your head...the cut looks awfully deep...is it deeper than I thought?...is it healing?...should I leave it unbandaged so it can scab over or bandage it to prevent contamination?...she definitely is unhappy, perhaps this hurts more than I realized???

This morning, as I was getting ready, she kept laying the paw on me. She'd lift it up and put it on my lap. Oh god, she's telling me it hurts!

Guilt plagued me all day. If I had a cut on my foot, I would go to the doctor. So I made the call and got an appointment.

Her foot is fine. It's healing already, I didn't need to go in. In fact, they complimented my bandaging technique. I love my vet so much. She loves my dogs, she remembers all sorts of things about them, she is completely reassuring. If I had not taken Maddie to the vet I would have worried the whole time her foot was healing. I didn't need to go, but it put my mind at rest.

Of course I felt bad leaving early since I overslept and got to work late. I popped awake, realized it was far too light to be a good time to be getting up. I looked at the clock in horror and read 10:43!!! Crap! But it wasn't light enough to be 10:43, so I woke david up and jumped out of bed and checked his watch. 8:43! Still late but not as late! I called my boss and got ready. Crap. I hate when that happens.

Took Ghengis, the little fella, to the dog park this afternoon. A bit of snow added some much needed traction to the sheet of ice and that made it easier to negotiate. I still had to employ the magic of penguin power, but it wasn't so bad. There aren't so many little dogs at the park this time of year, but ghengis managed to get in a lot of good running. He's passed out next to me. Happy.

Finishing up the special scarf project and it is taking less yarn than i expected so I may have enough for special project number two.

chickpea and veggie curry for dinner!

Posted by Heather at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Crap crap crap! Crap on a crap cracker!

My house REEKS of garlic. I mean offensively so. I'm so a-tarded. I went to go make a loaf of bread in the machine, I was thinking something savory to counterpoint the molasses oat bread of yesterday, so I settled on an olive oil, rosemary, garlic bread. I only had 2 cups of flour left (must go to store and buy bread flour, wheat flour, sugar, beer, ice cream, apples) so I had to make a smaller loaf.

David likes garlic. He loves garlic. I am firmly on the fence (ha!) with garlic. I do enjoy a bit of garlic now and then, a touch of garlic flavor is nice. I do not like things that taste strongly of garlic and I am super paranoid about smelling of garlic. I wanted to make a good bread that David would like so I just kept crushing cloves of garlic and throwing them in.

It's the halfway point on the kneading cycle, we're not even to baking and I think I made a terrible mistake. The warmth of the machine has drawn out the scent of the garlic and it permeates everthing. If it weren't so damned cold out, I'd go site in the car.

Posted by Heather at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Yeah, it's another dog story...

Last night we go on our walk, something that is generally a quiet affair. 2 dogs, a girl, some poop, excessive sniffing. Easy.

Maddie has an arch nemesis. I'm not sure what brought on the nemesisitude with this particular dog. Surely, we pass a number of houses on our walk that have dogs, but this dog she hates. My first indication was only an indication of extreme interest on her part. This dog was never actually outside when we walked by but she always managed to save some tiny amount of pee to release on his fence.

I know dogs have some sort of fucked communication through their pee. I figure dog pee is the equivilent of an internet forum but more interesting and the dogs tend to stay on topic. I do wonder about urine based flame wars among the dogs, "u p like a n00b!"

If I was particularly lucky, she'd manage to save a crap and drop it by the fence. This was a particular pain since there's a nice incline up from the alley to get to this fence and I have to go up there, secure the dogs and pick up crap. On days when karma punishes me, they both crap up there, but 4 feet apart so I can't just grab them both.

Last night, things were going my way, Maddie evacuated herself early and seemed in a good mood. We rounded the corner and I stopped and made Ghengis go. In a few feet we'd be in the alley and with the exception of the yard of Maddie's pee buddy, there aren't so many options to poop. Let's be clear, he's had pleanty of opportunity, he just hasn't taken it. He does his business and I am glad.

The easiest way to deal with 2 dogs while picking up dog crap is to put their leashes on the ground and step on the at the handles. I have the plastic handled retractable leashes. This allows me to keep the dogs with me but also allows me the freedom to pick up the poop in the bag without being jerked around because Ghengis has decided to play jackass rodeo on Maddie.

As I started to put the leashes down Maddie caught me by surprise and took off, pulling the leash from my hand. This is odd because when I walk her she rarely takes off after anything and if I do accidentally drop her leash, she immediately stops because the scraping of the leash handle freaks her out. Of course none of this mattered because pee buddy was out and I was to learn immediately that the exchange of effluvia between them had been done with enmity.

"MY NAME IS MADDIE!!! MY NAME IS MADDIE!!!"
"YOU! You pee on my fence and I have to go pee on it! Get off my yard! I am the boss of this yard! ME!"
"MY NAME IS MADDIE!!!!!!!"
"GET OFF MY YARD!!!!!! I hate you! I am the boss of my yard!!!"
"MY NAME IS MADDIE!!!! ME! MADDIE!!!"

This is what I imagine their barks translated into. At some point, Scooter's owner (scooter is a dumb name for a dog so big, but whatever) stepped out on the deck to tell Scooter to shut up. He had no idea what was going on. Maddie let him know her name.

Now I have to abandon the poop and go get Maddie and shut her up. She's announcing her name left and right which excites Ghengis and things devolve.

"MY NAME IS MADDIE!!!!!!!"
"OOOH hey! Maddie! Tell him my name too! Tell him my name is Ghengis!! Tell him my name! Tell him! Tell him I like rawhides and squeaky toys and my names is Ghengis"
"MY NAME IS MADDIE!!! MADDIE!!! MADDIE!"
"Tell him my name too!"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD YOU FREAK!! Stop peeing on my fence! I hate you! I don't care if your name is Maddie or Fart Fume!!

What makes all of this more difficult, besides the fact that I am truly imagining that my dog is yelling and announcing her name over and over like the idiot that she is, is that she doesn't run up to the fence on the normal, easy to access side. No, that would have been easy on her and me. She decides she needs to take the straight line through the terraced landscaping on the side yard. Yes, terraced landscaping filled with frozen, pokey, icy, sharp little evergreen shrubs. She's so engrossed in saying her name and having him understand that SHE IS MADDIE that she won't listen to me. I have to haul my fat ass up the terraced side yard trying not to ruin anything in the process so I can get her down.

And drag her back down the block so I can finish picking up the poop. Then I have to prepare them for walking by the house again as that is the way home.

We get home, I go to the bathroom and it is then, at the far end of the house from the front door, that I realize she has cut her foot. I learn this only because there is blood all over the goddammed floor.

David came up and he got her in the tub and we cleaned and assessed the damage, she probably cut herself on a shrub. We bandaged it up and she looked pretty miserable.

But she is confident that her name is Maddie.

Posted by Heather at 2:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Molasses oat bread is good bread. Hearty, chewy, lots of flavor. Goes great with muscadine jam. Yum.

Nothing of note to report, really. It was a nice long weekend for me. I took friday off and I had today off and it was a nice rest for my addled brain.

My brain has just been obsessed with the crocheting. It's all I think about. I'm constantly on the lookout for new patterns and designs, and I can tell you without a doubt that there are a lot of crappy designs and patterns out there.

I have about 8 million different projects I want to do. i want to make scarves based on lace and edging designs, I want to make lace edging for pillow cases, i want to learn filet crochet and make gifts for people, I want to join forces with someone who can make purses and crochet flowers to be attached to the purses...and on and on and on.

I ended up not going to the crochet class as I came down with a rather uncomfortable bladder infection that day, but the next wave starts up soon enough.

I also found the pattern for my next scarf and I just hope i have enough yarn on hand for it. Anyone wanna be my yarn patron? I'm particularly fond of the Noro brand Lily cotton/silk blend in solid colors (not a fan of variegated yarn for intricate work). It's what i am using on the scarf project right now and that stuff is a dream. Completely smooth, a nice sheen, braided instead of twisted. I've been searching eBay for deals on it, but it seems the best deals are either on ugly colors or variegated colors. Sigh.

On the other hand, cotton thread for lace is super cheap on eBay. I'm a little obsessed.

Dammit. I wish I had more interesting things to talk about, but it's winter and I'm chill and I get all nesty in the winter. It's the quiet life, and I am happy.

Posted by Heather at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I always tell people I'm not creative. I usually think it's true. And yet...

I realized that I regularly take crochet patterns and modify them to suit my needs. I can mix and match different patterns to make new ones whenever I need to. I made a bunch of scarves based on patterns I got from my baby blanket books. Right now I am converting a pattern for lace edging into a scarf (yeah, I'm ripping out yesterday's attempt, it's not bad, it's just not what I was going for).

I can actually be creative. Most of the food I make for parties are recipes invented by or modified by me, including my rack of lamb dinner, the stuff I made for my housewarming party and most of my curries. A lot of the things I make are not big stretches, it's not exactly difficult to make a veggie curry, it's really one step up from the bachelor stir-fry, but it is rare that I use recipes and when I do, I usually modify them.

So yeah, this is my "go me!" post. I can actually do creative things!

The other cool thing is that in doing this lace edging scarf, I ABSOLUTELY want to make this same pattern as actual lace edging and sew it on to pillow cases as gifts. And you know what? That is SO OLD LADY!

Posted by Heather at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Brunch at 2pm at the Egg and I. A metric buttload of food between the two of us, he had one of those skillet scramble things with the veggies and the cheese and the eggs, I had eggs commodore (eggs benedict but with sausage) and we shared a kamikaze pancake (a multi-grain pancake with walnuts, bananas and blueberries, I wish they put the fruit in the pancake instead of on top). I doused everything in Chilula hot sauce. My problem with Chilula is that I want to call it Cthulhu and I am afraid that one day I will accidentally ask for it and they'll bring me a bottle stuffed with the tentacled lord of evil.

And that would totally suck.

After brunch we met up with David's friend, Kasey, and I learned to play canasta and I won! I only won because I have beginners luck, I always do well the first time I try something and then get worse at it. It was fun to learn, though.

Took the dogs to the dog park, but the ground has turned into one unending sheet of ice. There is no where you can walk there that is not completely slick and dangerous. We only stayed about 20 minutes, but it was enough to knock Ghengis out. We kept Maddie on the leash this time so we could keep her out of trouble. This worked out fine until I was too far away from her and David so she pulled her head out of her collar so she could run to me and be at my side. There was also a huskie there, not the same one involved in the previous fracas, but Ghengis seemed to remember it was a huskie and decided he was gonna bark and show him how tough he was. Try keeping dogs apart and behaved on a sheet of ice! Luckily, Ghengis just wanted to bark and not fight.

I started the scarf, the big scarf project. I really want this to turn out well, I got nice yarn in a great color but now I don't think I like the pattern so much. I'm about 10 inches into it and it's just not as nice as i would have liked. I'm going to grab another ball of yarn and start on another pattern and see if I like that better. I'm going to have to pull out this one I've already done anyway, I made a big mistake at the beginning and the farther along I get the more glaringly obvious it is. I mean I always make a mistake in my work and usually I don't mind, they add character, but this one is actually affecting the way it lays down. Crap.

Aw well, such is the life of a crocheter. or something.

I'm gonna go make some molasses oat bread so we can eat muscadine jelly with it. Yum.

Posted by Heather at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Oh, where's the grey hair now? Where is it? Where did it go? There's no grey hair anymore, oh no! My hair's not grey, my hair is bright pink and blonde. Fuck you, grey hair! Fuck you in your tarty, maligned, treason-y ass!

SO I gave my hair a break and didn't dye it for a while. Actually, I hadn't dyed it since the party in august when it was blue. So I dyed it pink. You know what? I need to stick with pink. It's my color. It suits my skin and my eyes. It's super cute in the cutest way possible. It's bright pink but it will fade a bit and become a nice bright, cotton candy pink and stay that way for a while.

Pink.

I got the complete first season of Spongebob Squarepants last night! Thanks, mom! I watched tons of spongebob and dyed my hair and ate popcorn with butter and Franks Hot Sauce. Try it, it's good.

Today I need pancakes. I think I'll go rouse the boy and go get some.

ps click the link to the party and look at the pictures. If you've been following the comments in the previous post, you will find pictures of Julie and know the absurdity of the entire situation!

Posted by Heather at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Remember how I joked about being an old lady because I drive my old lady volvo and I crochet and I do all kinds of other old lady things.

Today it's complete. Today I am old. Today, on Friday the 13th, as the full moon was just beginning to light the sky, Owen, my hairdresser, noticed a "color anomaly" just over my right temple.

a color anomaly.

It's a nice way to alleviate the kick in my gut when you point out that I have grey hairs growing in. I hadn't noticed because I had been dying it for so long but over the fall I decided to let the color grow out and give my hair a break.

This is how it repays me. I give it a break and it starts to turn grey. Ouch.

OW OW OW OW OW!

Of course, my face is breaking out like a 15 year old. So I guess that's a sign of youth.

Or a sign that all the forces in the universe are aligned to crush me from the inside out.

Posted by Heather at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I'm totally a nerd. You know what I have been doing for the last 4 days? Listening to the senate confirmation hearings for Alito. The best part is that whenever I have questions I email Alex and he sends me answers and explanations and historical perspective.

I swear to god he's one of the best informed people when it comes to shit like this!

2 conclusions I have reached in this? 1) Our senate is made up entirely of slack jawed tardballs who focus on the wrong things and freak out about nothing. Sure, we can all be upset about the glass in the road but EVERYBODY SEEMS TO NOT SEE THE GREAT BIG CAR CRASH THAT MADE THE GLASS. and 2) Alito is one slippery motherfucker. The man is entirely incapable of actually answering a question. He responds with a lot of words, I think he fucked thesauruses in a former life or something, but he can not address an issue. If they asked him about the previously mentioned glass in the road he would tell you the history of glass making and how it might affect his decision on it's origin.

I hate them all and I am slowly losing faith in the ideal of the government.

Bastards.

The funny thing? Ted Kennedy sounds exactly like the joke parody accents of him. The man's a fucking rumball!

This week I learned about stare decisis and unitary executive doctrine. I should be great fun at the next party.

Posted by Heather at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Sometimes the nicest things are the goofiest.

David did not feel well, he stayed home and in bed resting. On my way home I picked up Indian food. When I got home we had a picnic in bed, all cuddled in eating tikka masala and veggie vindaloo and papri chat.

And this picnic was a testament to ghengis' good behavior. A year ago he would hae ripped the bed apart to get the food, today he employed the more subtle "cute little fella" face.

Is a nice kind of date to have with someone.

Posted by Heather at 2:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

this is my evening...
"hey I should..." 10 minutes later "what? maybe dinner?"...15 minutes later..."DOG!"...

I need some sort of hard core ritalin or cocaine or something. I just wasted 20 minutes staring at the little table by the door. Not staring and thinking "what I would like to do with the table is..." or "I wonder if *censored* are still in the drawer from way back when" or even "The stupidest thing I can do is put a flat receptacle near the mail slot because it becomes my mail depository for months at a time". No, looking and thinking would be slightly more productive than looking and suddenly realizing 2o minutes have passed.

Another doctor's appointment today. This time we celebrated the charmed life my bladder leads! Oh bladder, how I love thee. Since this is a new doctor I had to fill her in on my bladderial history, even telling her that while I was not a doctor, I usually get 7-10 days a Cipro and not a mere 3 as at this point my bladder looks at 3 days of Cipro like a passing joke.

We talked about other things and the doctor sent me away with more prescriptions (I could open my own Walgreens in my bathroom!) and I was on my way. Sort of. I almost drove to my old house.

I'm pretty sure this is what senility feels like, and you know what? I can see the upside.

Maybe I'll go take a nap.

Posted by Heather at 2:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

The problem with loving to cook is that it messes up the kitchen and I must clean again before I can cook again. Though, to be honest, I've been so uninspired lately I don't even feel like cooking but everything needs to be cleaned and put away and so that and laundry, those are my tasks. Then maybe some dinner.

The problem with crocheting is that the yarn cost so very much. Certainly, you can buy cheap yarn, but...eeeuw, you can tell. I'm starting a crochet class tomorrow, not that I need much in the way of instruction but I absolutely need to start getting out of the house in the winter. I get so insular in the dark of winter and it makes me crazy. SO i figure I'll take this class, it's something I know I'm pretty good at so I don't have to worry about feeling stupid or discouraged and it's not really a class anyway, more of a get together of old lady crocheters giving advice. I like the old lady aspect of it all, just low key and comfortable.

The problem with giving the dog toys that he loves it that he shows his love for the toys by tearing them open and pulling the guts out. I'm hardly one to tell my dog how to play with his toys, they're his and he can do as he pleases with them. Sadly, he doesn't really understand the concept of cleaning up after himself. Aw well, if that's the worst downside of it all, then I'm not doing too bad.

Actually, there's Maddie's face, that's gonna be an issue. The cuts are mostly superficial and they'll heal in time. I spent some time on the phone with the vet and we tried to figure out if this was an issue that can be handled with more obedience training, or does she need a behaviorist or do we just not introduce her to situations that we know are going to set her off? It's a tough call. Anyone who spends 2 minutes with Maddie knows she is the sweetest little dog in the world, I know she would follow me into hell if I had to go (ghengis, not so much, he'd stand at the edge of hell and watch me go then go find a stinky dinosaur). She's loyal and sweet and protective, but she's also a thug and she's going to get seriously hurt someday.

So, I've got dishes to do and chicken to cook up and laundry to fold. Exciting? oh yeah.

Posted by Heather at 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

As we know, Maddie has some thuggish tendencies when we go to the dog park. Usually we can distract her enough to get her out of these situations and usually most dogs don't want to fight.

Tonight Maddie finally got her ass kicked, she's got probably 7 or 8 little bloody cuts on her face, including a puncture that goes through her ear. I cleaned her off and put ointment on everything and lectured her, "see, this is what happens when you provoke dogs to fight. This is not how I want to spend my sunday evening, cleaning your wounds. Do you think I like doing this?" and so on.

She was incredibly calm the whole time. I think she just liked the attention. The worst part of this whole ordeal is Ghengis saw Maddie fighting this dog and had to jump in. Ghengis is not a big dog and certainly not a fighter at all. While unhurt, he got his ass kicked and squealed like a little girl. I don't want Ghengis fighting just because he sees Maddie doing it.

So, instead of enrolling Ghengis in obedience classes this month, I guess Maddie will be going. Ghengis is just a jovial jackass, but Maddie is actually going to get hurt.

Let's see...in other news
David came home last night and there was much rejoicing and celebration!

I made rosemary garlic foccacia in the bread machine and then cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had hoped to also make some pumpkin bread but I'm not sure if I'll get that in tonight.

I finished one crochet motif and I am working on another now, then I'll work on the scarf.

I lost the cord to my camera so the process of downloading pics to my machine has me pulling the card from my camera and sticking it in his and downloading from there. I guess i need to get a card reader or a new cord or something. I should probably get the cord so I can still print directly from the camera. I hate when I lose things like this. I haven't seen anything suspect in the dog's poop so I'm at a loss.

And with that, I will bid you a good night.

Posted by Heather at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I have been working on a crochet motif for a week now (a motif is kinda like a doily, but made of yarn, not thread and usually combined with other motifs for a blanket or sewn onto things as decoration). Thing is, as I work on this thing my stictches become cleaner and my tension tighter and the individual petals or spokes of this thing (a lazy wheel motif) become smaller.

I have ripped this thing out and re-started it 4 times now. Part of me wants to move on to my next project (a scarf) but part of me wants to get this right. I'm not a perfectionist by any stretch of the imagination, I often find little mistakes in my work and keep them there as I think they make the piece more personal.

But I want to be able to do this right. Maintaining consistent tension in a piece is really important, especially if I decide to make a sweater for someone.

The other frustration is that i make things all the time and i always forget to take pictures of what I made. I produced a bunch of scarves for christmas and gave them all away before I thought to take pictures. Dammit. Hell, I was going through a pattern book and saw a pattern for a baby blanket that i made once and for the life of me i could not remember who I gave it to. So, if you ever received a seafoam or minty green ripple pattern baby blanket from me, let me know.

Posted by Heather at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Betsy came over for tea yesterday afternoon (it has to be said that I run the most civilized office on campus, I totally have people over for tea and butter cookies) and we were talking about knitting and crocheting. I was saying that I am signing up for a crochet class because I want to make a sweater for David but I don't think I can do it alone.

She got a weird look on her face and said, "don't you know about the curse?". What curse? what are we talking about? It seems that once you knit a sweater for your boyfriend you will break up. Crap. Is it different with crocheting? Probably not! I don't want to break up with the chobo, he's a good fella.

Generally, I'm not superstitious but I understand the psychology behind some superstitions. I will have to ponder my plan to make a sweater for him.

In other news, he is in Iowa and quickly making his way back. wooo.

Posted by Heather at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Yeah, I've totally been running, not in any sort of athletic way or anything. I totally look like a weeble wobbling down the sidewalk, but it's running. A little.

If you know me, you know how absurd that is, but lately, whenever I take the dogs for a walk we start running and we end up running all over. I look like a total dork, but there you hae it. The doctor told me to increase my calcium, I did it. She told me to get my heart rate up, done. She told me to eat healthier and quit smoking and try not to worry so much...eh, working on it.

BUT! My dad gave me the Burt's Bees Healthy Treatment Facial Care Kit and I think I'm gonna go take care of my face. It will be relaxing.

Last night I went to the store to pick up stuff for dinner and I got some pork chops and some chicken. The plan was to make the chicken last night with the mol� and then tonight have pork chops and pumpkin risotto with sauteed spinach.

Except we ate the pork chops last night and the chicken left me entirely uninspired. Meh. What to do? I ended up cooking up some rotini, sauteed the chicken, added the pumpkin, half and half and some spices. Okay, but not great.

Maybe I'll be more inspired later.

Okay, I'm off to repair the skin around my eyes and refresh my spirit.

ps... I've never been quite so bored with a book as I am with Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. I keep expecting something to HAPPEN and my coworker assured me that at 1/3 of the way through, that's pretty much the entire book. Shit. I have to finish reading it because 1. i have this pathological issue where I cannot stop reading a book until it's done and 2. I have nothing else to read. I bought it at the Memphis airport because I'd finished my other book and I didn't feel like reading the other books I brought.

and, if you have my copies of Snow Crash, Diamond Age, Prodigal Summer or Cryptonomicon please tell me. I can't find them. If you have my Calphalon Everyday pan, i'd like that back too. And my soul, if you see that let me know.

Posted by Heather at 2:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

I've been home alone since monday. Everyone keeps saying "that must be so cool! you can do all the things you can't do when David's around!". Well, the thing is, there isn't really anything I can't do when David's around except maybe watch Lilo and Stitch on a continuous loop. I'm pretty much doing all the winter things I do when he's around, playing with the dogs, eating unhealthily, crocheting, watching movies, surfing the net. My friends who know me well know exactly what I'm doing and have come to the rescue.

Last night Alan called me. When someone calls you and says "what are you doing" don't tell them the truth if the truth is "crocheting a doily" that's so a-tarded. My anxiety has been getting the better of me lately and I have been holing up in my place and not wanting to be around people. Alan very graciously (and wisely) invited me out to dinner. We had dinner and watched the Rose Bowl and had a few beers and it was the perfect escape for me.

Today Mary and I were commiserating on the weight of winter and how we never go out as much and we just don't see as many people. We decided to break the cycle. I needed to cook for someone, she needed to get out of her house. She came over and I made pork chops with mol�, rice and spiced black beans (that's the other thing, when david is home I tend to cook vegetarian for him since I don't really want to make 2 meals, so i got to eat pork chops!). For dessert I made a loaf of walnut, golden raisin, cardamom bread. Delicious. We even ate at the table like grown ups. She played with my dogs and we talked about this and that and...

I finally got my holiday cards ready for mailing! They go out in the morning before the new postal rates go into effect.

David is on his way home. His trip down was a hard push, drive straight through. The trip back will be slower so I still won't see him until this weekend, but it is a happiness to know I will see him soon. I have a bit of a reputation for being overly cautious in matters of the heart, sometimes to my own detriment. I am entirely surprised at just how attached I am to this guy. I miss him terribly whenever we are apart and I am so glad to reunite with him. Of course this is not to imply that we should not be apart, just that it's nice to have someone you miss.

I'm off to work on my little doily and then go read for a bit.

Remember to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool!

Posted by Heather at 2:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

First order of business, my caffeine intake. 4-shot americano in the morning, every morning. Then tea for the rest of the day, my cup at work is twice the size of a regular mug, so when I say I had a cup of tea, i really had two. Today I had a cup of earl grey, a cup of lemon mat� and a cup of green tea. I also had a diet coke. I have consumed so much caffeine today that my jaw hurts. If I don't stop to open my mouth wide every few minutes my jaw clenches up and my teeth hurt.

Okay, so, let's stick to the herbal teas for a while, shall we?

Okay, now I want to tell you about the all time ultimate anxiety dream. My dream starts out with me getting a letter from my old therapist, she and some social workers would like to come over the next day for dinner. What the hell? Okay so I have to think of something to make for dinner. Suddenly it's the next day and I haven't thought of anything! And I get a phone call from the community college saying that a bunch of kids have been signing up for classes and not going and the professors are going to sue the kids and by the way did I know I was registered for a bunch of classes and I am going to get sued if i don't go?? Shit! So I go to the school and along the way I keep contemplating the menu for that night. The only thing I can think of is dessert, a chocolate ganache tart with hazelnut brittle except I KNOW how absurd that is. First of all, chocolate ganache is nice as icing or chocolate sauce but not as a tart and secondly, I don't fucking know how to make any sort of brittle, I completely suck at candy making!

We're not done yet.

So I get to the school and I get to the class and I don't even know about the class or why I am signed up and the professor is at the front crying and there is one other girl there, but she's only going because she has a crush on the professor and he knows it. So he yells at us.

When I go to leave, someone calls me over and says they have a problem with some students and they need me to diffuse the situation. There are two guys in the room, one is a kid i know from MCAD, the other is his friend. It seems the friend has a bomb and he wants to blow up the school. My job is to talk him out of it without seeming like I am talking him out of anything. In my dream I learn that you can buy a considerable amount of dynamite for only $30 and I make much of this in my conversation with him. Then I foolishly try to grab the bomb and run but he gets it back. Then I try to escape because quite honestly I don't want to spend my day dealing with him, I have social workers coming over for dinner.

I try escaping again and get hauled back.

I finally run away and hide in a casino. The kid I know sees me, but pretends he doesn't. I walk home still trying to figure out what to make for dinner. All I know is that I'm stuck with making individual entrees and not one big thing like a roast because I don't have time. Steaks seem obvious, but I don't want to make steaks as they seem so crass. Why do steaks seem crass? I don't know!

I get to my place and on the way up the 5 flights of stairs I am trying to put on my new makeup and that requires watching a portable dvd player with instructions and I keep staring at this makeup set and wondering why I bought it since I already have most of the stuff and why won't the dvd player work in the stairwell?

Once in my apartment things do not get better. My kitchen is full of people. David is there and he's eating because he does not know that people are coming over. Lily is there to surprise me. Alan is there and he is in a wheelchair and he has a bad mustache. Why is Alan in a wheelchair? I don't know but I'm freaking out about and trying not to stare at his mustache.

Lastly, my ex is at the stove making cranberry sauce and glowering at me! Why is she there?? Why is she glowering at me? What did I do? I need people to go to the store with me but the only person that wants to go is Lily but she doesn't know where things are in the store!

People are yelling at me, I need to make dinner, i don't know what to make and the phone rings and it's the school and the kid has another bomb and can i help.

No, i can't help because I woke up.

and that, people, is the ultimate, never ending anxiety dream in condensed format!

In other, uninteresting news...I keep crocheting, the dogs keep farting, I miss David, I need a million dvd's.

Posted by Heather at 2:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Which one of you sick fucks searched for "oompah loompahs being fist fucked" and managed to find my site?

Okay, first of all, why do you want to see/read/know about such a thing? Secondly, are you thinking about the freaky orange oompah loompahs or the more contemporary Deep Roy version? Thirdly, why the flippity-fuck would my site come up? It's not like I talk about fist-fucking all that often, in fact I suspect I have probably talked about it no more than once or twice in the almost 5 years I've had this site. And oompah loompahs? What? Yeah, alright, I might talk about them more often, and definitely more often than I talk about the good old fist-fuck.

And I don't ever talk about fist-fucking oompah loompahs. Seriously, you'd get your fist stuck in there and you'd have a freaky orange thing attached to you and you can be sure that will not go over well at the next senior management meeting!

Higgins! What's that on your hand??
An Oompah Loompah, sir...
An Oompah Loompah...on your hand...attached by his anus???
yes...sir

Now I can understand trying to find me with phrases like "bakers square early bird specials" or "saab blinker too noisy" or even "snot running back of throat". These are all things I've actually written about!

Man, this is as messed up as the time I wrote about analworld.com and ended up with a million hits from people trying to find it. Analworld.com is about anal sex. I just thought I'd mention it.

So, to recap...I just made a post discussing oompah loompahs, fist fucking, fist-fucking some oompah loompahs, analworld and anal sex.

My mother is so terribly proud of me right now.

Posted by Heather at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Happy New Year from the French Quarter. It was crowded and lovely and amazing. We watched the gumbo pot drop (or more specifically, we watched people watch the gumbo pot, we were a little too far back) and we had our midnight kiss. Beautiful.

After the drop we headed over to the Carrolton Station in Midtown to drink in a slightly less crowded environment and watch the world's second worst cover band. We don't know who the worst is, but...I have to believe they exist.

David and I at midnight. It's hard for us to take pictures with one of us holding the camera, he's so much taller than I am.

David and Marshall! For all the time I've spent hanging out with Marshall when I am down there and for all the time I've spent on the phone, I was surprised when I realized I had no picture of him (other than the lovely signed photo in my bedroom). Marshall got me a lovely ceramic pair of pigs that defy description. David's bringing them up with him, I'll post a picture when they arrive.

Every time I go to New Orleans I fall in love with it a little more. Couple more visits and I might marry the city! Next time, hopefully, the city will be in better condition.

Strangest thing I saw was a giant backhoe in the bayou near David's parent's house. Of course I forgot my camera so I have no picture of that or a picture of me in the bayou! Sad. If David has a chance he will try to get out there again to get some pictures.

Not much else to talk about, we didn't do much in the way of touristy things. It's funny how you can go on feeling like an adult in most things, but hang out on a twin bed with your boyfriend at his mom's house and you feel like you're 16 all over again. Later, Marshall came over and he hung out on the bed while David and I set up the Pictionary game and then I really felt like a teen. I wanted to sneak behind the house and drink a beer.

Okay, pictures posted, I'm off to crochet! Leter, peeps.

Posted by Heather at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »