The Velvet Cerebellum

I leave at ungodly o'clock in the morning to get on my plane to New Orleans. David left yesterday evening and will pick me up at the airport. I joked that it's the longest drive ever to pick someone up at an airport. I just got a call from his dad letting me know that David will be pulling in around 11pm tonight and all was well.

It's funny how you get used to someone, get used to haing them around, to their sleep patterns, the way they bring you vitamins every night, the impromptu dance parties in the kitchen. He left yesterday evening and I missed him last night. I missed him today. I'll see him tomorrow and I am happy about that.

I have trepidation about seeing New Orleans, seeing the damage and and whatnot. I'm hoping I can be helpful at David's parents house. For all the damage they sustained, it sounds like they have gotten a lot done as well.

I'll take lots of pictures of everything, the good and the bad. Internet access will likely be sketchy at best, if I get a chance I'll post, but likely look forward to hearing from me in the new year!

Good luck my peeps, have a wonderful and prosperous new year!

(also, I will miss my dogs!)

Posted by Heather at 2:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I got a bread maker! And this is what I learned...

1) Do not set the delayed baking action timer to have the bread ready for you in the morning if you have two dogs who live only to protect you from loud kitchen demons. When the machine starts, they'll freak, bark, run, growl and eventually lay on you.

2) don't use yeast that is almost 3 years expired. If you do you will wake up to a very hard lump that smells like bread but is in every other way a breadlike stone.

3) it is a joy to make bread with a machine!

After my bread-lump disaster I headed to the store and bought new yeast. I made a loaf of focaccia to give to my dad to thank him for the machine and to thank him for driving me to the airport at 5 in the morning. Currently, I have a loaf of egg bread going in the machine. I hope the dog sitter likes egg bread!

When I get back I'll make cinnamon rolls and focaccias and oatmeal molasses bread and cardamom, raisin, walnut bread....

Posted by Heather at 2:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I accept that this was somehow my fault, i'm sure it was.
When I booked my tickets to New Orleans I was super careful to get the flight back on the 1st. David was sitting there with me. I had 2 flight options on the 1st, leaving at 11am and leaving at 5pm. I know I picked the 5 pm because a) it was later in the day and i know we would be tired from the festivities the night before and b) it was a non-stop flight. I evven went through and picked my seats and picked only one seat on my flight back. I went to confirm my flights and they magically changed the return flight from the 1st to the second and from the 5pm to the 11am.

dammit dammit dammit. I had to call my dog sitter in a blazing panic to see if she could stay on another day. She's not my regular dog sitter, and let me tell you, it is very hard to find a dog sitter over the holidays at the last minute. I can board ghengis, but maddie was treated rather roughly by her previous owners and now she has some separation anxiety issues, she ate her way through a metal kennel once, cutting her face all up. I keep the kennel to show to people.

grrr I was also counting on being home all day on the 2nd to relax and get things in order before I had to go back to work on the 3rd.

Posted by Heather at 2:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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The extreme sadness is when your Chobo gets in his car to go 1300 miles away. Sigh.

But the happiness is a puppy who piles his cuddly toys and snuggles up to nap on them.

And a bread machine that looks like a roundy rocket ship.

And season 7 of the Simpsons

And a pile of chocolates waiting

And a pizza on its way

And a dinosaur pop-up book

Posted by Heather at 2:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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David took his Legos (pictured below) and promptly made a futuristic Hummer captained by mutant lizards:

Ghengis took his new cuddly teddy bear:

And promptly eviscerated it:

Maddie took her Christmas Busy Bone:

And eviscerated that as well:

And this morning, when I downloaded the pictures off my camera and I this bounty of happy faces I knew I could do nothing but smile. Every single day there is something joyous for me to experience, and 9 times out of 10, that joy is right here next to me.

Happy Holidays to you and yours.

Posted by Heather at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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David putting together his new Dino Attack lego set.

Happy Holidays everybody.

Posted by Heather at 2:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Last night was the maternal side of the family Christmas Dinner! I am officially exhausted.

* Cheese plate with Mirableu sheep's milk blue from spain, Humboldt Fog chevre from California and an Irish cow's milk cheddar. Whole grain and rosemary breads, olives, jams and truffles.
* Salad of mixed greens with roasted pears, roasted sweet potato, mirableu cheese, toasted walnuts and a spiced sherry vinaigrette.
* Bouillabaisse! I used the New York Times recipe, the recipe my mom uses. I followed it mostly, but was a tad heavy handed with the wine and used crab instead of lobster as I did not have the wherewithal to deal with a lobster. For David I made a tomato and bean soup with potatoes, carrots and kale.
* Dessert was a gingerbread trifle, the recipe was made up in my head the day before. Gingerbread drizzled with ginger syrup*, layered with chopped apple, pear, walnuts and dates (thanks to alex for suggesting the dates, they were a hit), the fruit had been mixed with some ginger syrup as well as fresh ginger, ground cardamom and allspice. Also in the layering was spiced (cardamom, nutmeg, allspice, cinnamon) whipped cream. The trifle seemed to be well liked.

My favorite gift of the evening was the definitive Dinosaur pop-up book!! OH MY GOD. This thing is just beautiful.

the flip side of everything is that I have 4.2 metric buttloads of dishes to wash. Sigh. I also have a healthy serving of bouillabaisse left over just for me!

*Ginger Syrup

Two thumbs worth of ginger, peeled and matchsticked
one cup sugar
one cup water
mix together, bring to boil. Simmer for 10 or 15 minutes, let cool. Strain. Also good mixed with vodka and lemon sour for a refreshing drink.

Posted by Heather at 2:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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My boss totally read my website last night and had an issue. It's not that I said anything bad or untoward about the school or anything, no nothing so Dooce-like as that. No, he managed to see that in my manic frezy yesterday, a day he was not in the office, I posted twice. Two rather lengthy posts from my desk. I thought about pointing out that the timestamp on these posts are off by a little over an hour, but that wouldn't really have exonerated me in any way. Even if we moved them up, they still would have happened during the work day.

Sigh.

So I had to promise to actually work today. And I did. Mostly.

I know he reads my site to see if I say bad things about him. Hi, Brock, I don't actually think you're a prick! I wouldn't make scarves for your kids or dinosaur birthday cards for your wife if I hated you!!

He was also a tad upset that he had to read two whole lines about my birth control craziness from earlier this year. I have sex frequently! I need to prevent pregnancy! None of this should surprise you!!

Speaking of, my doctor set me up with a standing prescription for the Morning After Pill. I did not know you could do that! The only problem is that I don't think it would occur to me to be concerned until my period was late and by that point it IS too late. Ah well, it's nice to have back up plans and not use them than to have nothing and need them.

Tonight I went and picked up ingredients for dinner tomorrow. I'll post a full menu later. I completely made up a new dessert in my head today, gingerbread trifle! I'll let you know how that goes.

I need to go start the dishes and a certain chobo needs to be vacuuming real soon...

Posted by Heather at 2:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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The apocalypse has been scheduled on my birthday! What the hell? This was my 06/06/06...666 birthday and I was so looking forward to helling it up that night.

Crap on a Club Cracker.

Stupid scheduling conflicts.

Posted by Heather at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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It's almost 2006 and it's time for the...

Heather's Great Big Navel Gazing 2005 Personal Year in Review!!!!

I ended 2004 flying from New Orleans to Minnesota. I'd spent a week down there with David and his family and for whatever reason decided to fly home on New Years Eve. I rang in the new year bundled up in bed with the dog (great) watching Lilo and Stitch on my laptop (good) and eating Dove mint chip something or other ice cream (bad). Not ideal in some ways, and yet it was really nice to just relax and be alone for a bit.

And so what happened the rest of the year?

Ghengis celebrated his first birthday and we celebrated in style! Toys, treats, birthday cake, frosty paws. It was almost like celebrating a kid's birthday except more psycotic.

I totally did something I would never have thought possible and took a Latin Dance class. It was fun, but I missed like 3 of the 7 classes. Illness and general dance related anxiety. I sucked at it, I never did it without looking at my feet but I had fun.

I did not travel as much as I would have liked but I did travel more often than most people. I had a seriously beatiful and wonderful trip to Key West. It was the perfect tropical getaway in the midst of all the horrid stress in my life. I will never in my life be able to show Alex how much I appreciate that trip. How can you go wrong on a trip where you get to eat seafood at EVERY SINGLE MEAL???

I also went down to Austin again for the ACL festival and a weekend with my friend, Ethan. People thought I was crazy for flying to a place near a hurricane. There was no hurricane, there was 100 degree temps and soul scorching sun, but also there was good food and good music and great times with a good friend.

I overcame my fears and went camping! It was beautiful. I gained a lot of confidence on that trip, i learned I could do a lot of things I'd assumed I couldn't.

On the other hand, this year I came to terms with my stunning lack of confidence. It was hard. It IS hard to feel like you can't do things and not wanting to even try for fear of failing.

I got pulled over by a cop for the first time. I had expired tags, a tail light out and I got off with a warning. Did I mention I was also going 93 in a 55? Charm, baby, all charm. (actually, I wasn't charming, I talked to much and Ghengis barked at him.)

I saw cool stuff.

I sold my house. It wasn't just selling my house, it was saying goodbye to a dream that had started to come true and then abruptly ended. No longer could I dream of filling those other 3 bedrooms with kids, no more dreams of soccer practice and braces and too many pets and kids and report cards. The night I moved out of that house I stood and looked at everything and I remembered so very much and I cried. There were so many good times in there, certainly more good than bad, but just not enough. I loved that house so very dearly, but now it is gone. On the flip side I got my own place for the first time in my life. It is mine and I love it.

I went on the pill and quit smoking and then discovered that I couldn't possibly get pregnant as I had become to evil to get laid. So, I went off the pill and continued smoking. Works better this way.

I went and got me a second dog. I love her dearly. She's such a love. Ghengis adores her, they get along famously. I can never just have one pet. If given the opportunity I would have like 80 dogs at once!

I also traded in the Saab for a Volvo, which I promptly named Mabel. I love this car, I really do, but as per usual, when I make a decision entirely on my own I am continuously plagued by doubt about it. As much as I love my car I will forever look at it as a potential mistake.

I glued my eyelid to my eyeball with eyelash adhesive. I pretty much saw the depths of my retardation that evening.

Went on the best ever and talked to the weirdest guy ever.

Had the absolute BEST housewarming party ever. That event will go down in history as one of the best parties I ever threw. It was indeed amazing.

And then there's David. If anyone were to ask me how things were going with David at any point this year, my response could have been classified as "catiously optimistic". Here's this great guy, a good, a kind person, a giving person, someone who puts up with all that is me (and I can be overwhelming to say the least). I tried very hard to be cautious about this, to not give myself over too easily, to not expect or assume too much. I'm all about keeping myself safe lately. We had our first anniversary at a goat farm because I am pretty sure the first anniversary is the 'ungulate anniversay'. From the point of our anniversary on, I really started to (catiously) look to the future. I'm not talking adjoining rooms in the nursing home or anything, but just allowing myself to believe there will be a next year, and maybe a year after that, then it gets a little overwhelming. He calls me 'dub' and 'the bubbo' and he says I'm cute and he takes me out on dates and he likes my dogs and he cuddles me at night. He is pretty amazing. and I will keep him.

In a week I will be in New Orleans visiting his parents with him and this time I booked my trip to fall over new years so I could spend it with him!

MC 900 foot bubbo over and out!

Posted by Heather at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So, a post on someone else's blog got me thinking about change.

Look, liberals, we got it all wrong. We're making movies that preach to the choir. People interested in seeing this movie are already people who know racism is bad. The people who need their opinions updated are going to read about this movie, scoff and not go see it. We're protesting in the streets. Do you think a slightly unwashed college dude in flannel tossing a garbage can around is going to effect a change? He might change the riot police guy's mind about just how hard to crack that baton when he gets the chance. The sum total effect of a candlelight vigil is that at the end of the night, a lot of candles were burned, tears were shed and far too many people hugged. Do the people in Washington say "hey, you know, these people sat quietly with candles and hugged...I bet they mean business".

We're not doing the right things. This happy feel good, unfocused energy is being wasted. Certainly there are grassroots efforts that do help. Get The Vote Out helped to make a difference, voting numbers were good. Educating the populace and voting into office people who will effect the changes you want to see will help. But it's not enough.

There's a lesson to be learned. Who holds sway in DC? How much does change the Sierra Club affect? Naral? Planned Parenthood? The Humane Society? Some but not much. Now think about big oil, tobacco, the beef industry! They control public policy and they do it well. Why? Straight up cash money. You don't see the guys at Exxon throwing their trash cans around to get their way with congress. Philip Morris would not be where they are today if the execs stood outside the White House wasting candles.

Beef would NOT be what's for dinner if they made movies that only really appealed to cattle ranchers.

It's the way of the world, people and the world revolves around cash. Patchouli and flannel is fine on the weekends, but it's not really going to work in the real world.

Posted by Heather at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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As I mentioned earlier, Alex gave me the first season of Lost for Christmas and I have been watching religiously this weekend. Man, it really draws you in, but I have to say, it's a good thing I have this on DVD. I'm far too impatient to watch it on tv. I'd only get irritated if I was made to wait every week for answers. Screw that. I have no patience.

DVD is the way to go.

I love Hurley, I totally do. I want to love Sayid, but you know, the whole torture thing. I don't care if you feel bad. You shook the devil's hand. Period.

My thoughts on Intelligent Design? "Life is too complex to have just evolved" = "I am uneducated and things seem too complicated for me to understand so obviously it had to be god and not the science I never bothered to learn". Asspipes. Just because you never managed to learn things doesn't mean our children should be subjected to your made up theories.

I need to wrap presents and maybe clean some stuff and put out some holiday cheer. I'm not much for decoration, so you wouldn't even know the holidays were coming except for all the Target bags and Amazon.com wrapping paper from the gifts I got from people. I have not yet mailed my christmas cards because Stamps.com hasn't sent my stamps yet. I'll send them late if I have to. I'm not sending them with boring stamps when I can send them with Ghengis stamps. Hurry up, Stamps.com!

I got nothing else. Today was one of those slow thought days. I'm desperately tired, I need sleep in the worst way. My whole body is dragging. Tonight to bed earlier.

Posted by Heather at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Yesterday, at the grocery store I was buying the required yogurts which I am supposed to add to my diet as the doctor freaked at how little calcium I ingested compared to how much acidic stuff I took in (lots of strong coffee and tea and usually one diet coke a day). Eventually, my bones will turn rubbery and my heart will beat erratically and I will die.

So I am on a strict regiment of calcium pills (okay I only take one a day, not the 2 she recommended) and I am to add yogurt to my daily diet to start adding calcium. I am supposed to also be adding cheese, but then we start getting into very expensive territory for me.

So, as I said, I was getting my yogurts for the week, most of them being the Blue Bunny Light 85 fat free/sugar free varieties to keep my caloric intake down. Of course, explaining to David was immediately followed with a query to him, "DO YOU LIKE EGG NOG?????". So obviously I am not all that serious about the calorie thing.

Down the aisle they had the special, organic, hippie, moon yogurts. The Stonyfield Farms Fat Free Chocolate Underground yogurt was there! Wooo. This is good stuff, it's like 'fruit on the bottom' yogurt except it's more like 'pudding on the bottom', chocolate pudding!

But here's the problem. Whenever I read the name "Chocolate Underground" I imagine the marketing dude in charge of naming the products. He did a great job with Banilla, that's a great name for something, but chocolate underground? I'm pretty sure this guy and his assistant did...something... the night before, made a joke, "dude, we tunneled the chocolate underground" laughed really hard and then went to work the next day. As an inside joke and a gift to his assistant, he slapped the name on the yogurt and the rest is cooler case history.

It's what I imagine happened. I could be wrong.

Posted by Heather at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

Ghengis was a rambunctious puppy, an energetic bundle too muscular for his size, too compact for his output. Of course, all puppies have more energy than you can deal with, but Ghengis' energy combined with his smaller size and concentrated muscles made him a force to be reckoned with. He was 9 months old when I first started dating David, he was at the height of his 'pain in the assedness' and that combined with his jealousy at this new person taking over his position as my special little guy.

It took some months, but he calmed down.

Now he's a chill little fella who cuddles with me when I crochet, allows his stuffed toys to exist longer than 32 minutes, sometimes they live up to 8 or 12 days! Sometimes he naps with them. I suspect he does this just because he knows it will cause me to squeal with delight and shower him with little puppy kisses.

I spend too much time analyzing my dogs. I wish you could see them now, full bellied on Purina One, curled up together on the sofa next to me as I prepare to embark on another baby blanket to scarf conversion adventure.

Posted by Heather at 2:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

god I hate my phone.

I'm about 3/4 done with my christmas shopping, the only stuff left is internet purchases (which should have been done first) and exchanging some stuff. Dinner is on the 23rd, bouillabaisse. I'm trying to keep the season under control, dinners on these days, quiet these days, etc. David leaves the 26th for New Orleans and I fly out after him on the 28th. Last year he left almost a week before I did and I missed him terribly, but then when I saw him at the airport it was like I'd explode with happy. Nice that.

I'm crocheting like mad, making scarves. I've learned a few new stitches and I'm happily making cables on one scarf! I've been modifying baby blanket patterns into scarves. Crazy? maybe. But it's working.

Got lots of presents so far! YAY! Watching the first season of Lost courtesy of Alex. Now I can be up on the conversations of my friends and coworkers. Of course it might not be the best thing to watch when you have a plane crash phobia and your anxiety levels are getting high! Funny thing is, I fly all the time, fly all over the country, generally I am not so afraid anymore when I am on the plane, but even now, seeing a plane crash on tv or the aftermath of one, I can feel my chest tighten and my stomach roll and my heart race. When planes crash they fall and I despise the sensation of falling more than just about anything. Of course also there is the impact and the crashing and tearing and burning and death and all.

But, all that considered, it's good so far.

I don't have much else. there's a small brown dog curled up against me, another brown dog sleeping on her bed, and a boy playing a zombie game.

Posted by Heather at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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There should be a way to gauge your anxiety and stress levels by the result of your visit with the doctor.

If you leave with a pat on the back and a "chin up, you're going to be fine", the you could assume that you are on the low end. Being committed puts you at the top end.

Walking out with a prescription for Ativan called into your pharmacy? I'd say that ranks pretty high.

She also seemed a tad troubled that the reflex-tap to my knees produced no results, even when I did the hand-pull thing to distract my brain. I wonder what that means. I wasn't intentionally holding my leg still, it just wouldn't kick. Weird.

Anyway, new doctor. She's very nice, she listens and all that, pays attention, gives advice. Of course I had to pick a doctor on the other side of town, but really, it's not about convenience when it comes to your GP, you have to be sure that you've got at least one person looking out for you (and I'm lucky, I have many people looking out for me).

Today, I made a $46 retard mistake. Was getting dressed, going to wear my Nebraska Cornhuskers/Spongebob t-shirt with my black hoodie. I was warm this morning (as I often am in the mornings, i'm like a little furnace), so I laid out my hoodie next to my coat so I would put it on as I left. When I got to work I took off my coat and realized that I forgot my hoodie. Crap. I can't just wear a t-shirt to work, so I bundled off to the college book store and bought an MCAD sweatshirt. $46. What the hell? I suck.

Posted by Heather at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

I taught myself how to do a crochet cable 'knit'. ow. The instructions I had were not so clear AND I'm improvising a portion of a pattern for a baby blanket to turn into a scarf. If it works out, I might give it to my boss for his baby boy. We'll see. It's rather involved and you can't just whip these stitches out while watching a movie. Dang. And it's not like it's one stitch you learn but two new stitches and 4 techniques and they get all mixed and matched depending on where you're at in the row.

Hopefully, once I get used to it I can get it going so I can get it done before the end of next week.

That's all, my brain is broken.

y'all better step off, i'm the roflpimp!

Posted by Heather at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

These are some of my guilty pleasures, vomited out here for your mockery

* Vin Diesel
* Counting Crows
* Alannis Morrisette
* Instant Pudding
* Cheet-ohs
* Fried Green Tomatoes
* **censored**

Mock away, but let me tell you, there is no better cheese-laden unguent for the soul than belting out "Around Here" at the top of your lungs during rush hour.

In other news...
Started and finished Ms Dena's scarf tonight. Got to have pizza but only if I agreed to eat vegetables (fiiiiine god!), I should probably make a scarf for me.

It's time for this bubbo to get to bed...let's hope a certain chobo feels the same way...

Posted by Heather at 2:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

I was reading my book in bed the other night, as I do most nights, and it struck me what a gift it is to be able to read. The very act of viewing symbols and divining from that all manner of information. Look at one set of symbols and gain the knowledge of how to make a souffle, another set will completely cut off the present world and fill your head with visions of Gods re-enacting the Trojan War on Mars, another set will make you laugh.

This act of reading and disseminating information is actually pretty amazing when you think about it.

I remember the day I realized I could read. It was late afternoon, I was 4, in Head Start (I love Head Start, without it I would have been at such a disadvantage once school started. It's a program beset with problems but for me it worked). I was in the car and we came to a stop and I looked at the stop sign and I read the word and I knew what it meant, not because it was on the stop sign, but because I knew the letters and I could make the sounds and the sounds made a word and my head was full of fireworks.

I'd broken the code. I looked around, saw another word, i could read it! and another! and another! all these words that I could look at and read and know what they said. It was amazing to me.

I knew that I had not been able to do this the day before. i was very aware of this and because of this revelation I spent years thinking that certain skills just turned on in your head at a certain age. Imagine my frustration in 3rd grade when I could not figure out division AND it seemed that skill would not turn on for me (and it seems it never will).

From that day on I read, not voraciously at first, I read my Dr Seuss or Little Golden Books, I read signs on the street, I read cereal boxes and TV guide and Pebto-Bismal bottles (slowly of course, I was only 4).

And today I read about geishas and space ships and haunted houses and personal problems and souffle recipes and political discourse and gossip and explosions and disasters and miracles and babies and busses and cookies and moons and hippos and islands and and and and

And every word feels like a gift.

Posted by Heather at 2:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I am so totally rocking the old lady thing (i don't have blue hair anymore, but I can make that happen). I drive my old lady car, I'm wearing a t-shirt with a picture of two baby white tigers and today....I made the final leap...

We slept late and went to 'breakfast' late. How late? Late enough to get to Baker's Square (total old lady hang out) early enough to catch the Early Bird Dinner Specials with the folks. Then I did it, I ordered the 'All you can eat fish fry', not because I wanted to eat a lot of fish, but because (and I shit you not) I figured even if I didn't eat a lot of fish, $5.99 was a good deal.

Then I ordered pie to take home (banana cream, could be the king of pies since strawberry is only available seasonally).

I finished up the evening crocheting scarves with the dog napping on the skein of yarn.

Old lady, i'm tellin' ya.

I have now completed 6 scarves, all different colors, pretty much the same pattern. I made up a pattern in my head for another one and hopefully that one will turn out nicely. I also need to talk to Levi concerning the color scheme of Ms Dena's scarf. I'm only working with yarn that I already have, so I have to be creative, sometimes combining colors if i don't have enough of one for a scarf.

Hmmm....anything else? Happy Hour with the girls from the office (did that sound old lady enough?) on Friday. Cleaning, chilling, eating pre-packaged pierogie (pirohy?) with tamarind chutney, drinking too much coffee, so much my jaw aches, staying up too late, sleeping too late, you know...the stuff I always do.

Owen, email me, I need to coordinate bouillabaisse dinner plans!

Posted by Heather at 2:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Aw Crap! The ThinkBlank Secret Santa names came ou today, complete with url's so our secret santas could get to know us and all I have is Depressy McDepressesalot crap up here!

Dear Secret Santa Person,
I'm usually a very happy person! And joyous! And not so much the emo-kid displayed on this page!

Look...dogs!!

With much love
h

Posted by Heather at 2:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I dreamt I was going to be killed. I was in a room with 4 or 5 other people, captured and held hostage by mob types with guns. 2 were taken out of the room and killed. I'd been through this before, I knew that what you had to do was hold your head just right. They would think they had shot you, but would have missed. You could play dead, they would leave and you would survive.

I tried to explain this to the others, 'just do this and play dead and you will survive'. They didn't believe me, they didn't want to try.

I wasn't even sure it would work a second time. I waited to be taken away. I was terrified. I fidgeted constantly in my dream, trying to calm myself, to absorb the situation.

It bothered me that I could not just accept this fate. I knew I could not escape, I knew I was going to die, I KNEW that once I died everything would end and there would be no more anxiety or fear or pain or whatever. I understood that after I was killed things wouldn't necessarily be better (they would not be anything, I do not believe in any sort of afterlife or reward or anything), but they would be over and therefore not BAD. I just couldn't reconcile this. I didn't want to die, regardless of how un-bad it would make things. The other people seemed calm and reserved, why couldn't I be more like them.

Perhaps my mind is telling me to relax? I'd say that's a sure bet. Is this an indicator of where my anxiety levels are registering? Probably.

So, while other people dream of flying or sex or the moon, I dream about having my head held down and shot.

Posted by Heather at 2:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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and not exit to the world and phoniness and people....

Today I bought my first Christmas present of the year and i love it and I cannot even write about it as the recipient does occasionally read this. But, it is cool and I love it and it follows in the tradition of a gift I buy for someone because I think it would be a gift that would make me happy if I got it.

That is not to be confused with "gifts purchased for other people that you actually want and will probably borrow until you keep them". That is not a good gift giving strategy.

Of all the people I have to shop for, David is the hardest. I'm at a loss. The man is practicality defined. The gift must be useful for him, it must not be extravagant, it should be tasteful, it should relate to his interests. He has a number of interests that I don't know much about, guitars, music, camping, games with zombies...

It is very hard for me to shop for David because I want very much for it to be 'right' and also within budget. Let me tell you, if i had no budget restraints I'd have 87 things picked out...but then that would violate the whole 'not extravagant' thing.

Speaking of budgets, once again I have picked out presents for too many people! I can't not give gifts to people, I love to do it. Sigh. There is always a way.

In other news...
Found me a dogsitter for when I am in New Orleans! I think she will work out well AND she assured me that if she was not able to do it she would get a back up. How cool? Way cool.

Maddie is losing weight again. Weird. She's not really in a position to lose any more weight. I'm keeping an eye on her, I worry about her.

Still working on the new site. If you know anything about me (and too many of you know too much about me) you know I work slow. The new site will be up and functional soon. Mark is helping me with design as I have the design talent of a blind toad.

Currently reading Ilium. Amazingly good book. I just cannot get enough of it. Thank you to Alex for the gift. If anyone should feel so inclined to purchase the sequel, Olympos please feel free.

and with that naked plea for gifts I will take off.

Posted by Heather at 2:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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None of your business, really.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but we're just going to have to call this week a wash and let it go. Much happened, good and bad. Too much happened to talk about.

I stopped answering my phone and most of my emails. If I did not answer the phone when you called, it's not that I don;t like you, it's that I dn;t want to talk on the phone. If I did not respond to your emails, it's because there is much in my head that preclude pleasant conversation.

Here is some happy news.
You can make your own, personalized postage stamps!!! Holy. Shit. I should be getting 2 sheets of Ghengis stamps in the mail very soon. They will be used to send the predictable custom holiday cards with the photo of the dogs together.

It is harder to photograph two dogs sitting still than you think.

I am crocheting scarves like a mad woman. I know most people knit, but I crochet (I CAN knit, but i've no talent for it. I'll stick to crocheting, it's where I do good). I'm using up my excess (giant rubbermaid tub) of yarn to make scarves. Go me. Sadly, I can't make hats or mittens.

I finally booked my tickets to New Orleans for Christmas. Who the hell wants to go to New Orleans for the holidays? Apparently a lot of people. You can not get cheap tickets down there. I even called our corporate travel agent and she was more expensive than the internet (not inclusing her fees). I finally found tickets and booked them and will be in the big (busted) easy for the new year.

My dog sitter will be home for the holidays as well, so I am trying to find a good dog sitter who will work for cheap money, free laundry and food. I think with Maddie it's got to be easier on her to get a dogsitter than it would be to board her.

I finally got to eat dim sum. I determined that I can eat approximately 42 pounds of dim sum related bundles before I feel the urge to die. Sadly, I also determined that there is...well, nothing for david to eat at dim sum. My new favorite is the shrimp with whole quail egg, or the shrimp and pork in the football shaped glutinous rice shell, or the sesame balls FRESH out of the fryer. I also ate tripe (meh, not so interesting) and chicken feet (okay, but I had just watched Sin City the night before and there is no way you can eat chicken feet without thinking about the scene where Marv's parole officer is talking about how the werewolf made her watch as he sucked the flesh off her bones. I wigged out a little and had to stop eating).

Remember when you were in 9th or 10th grade and you were learning about Hitler or Stalin or many of the regimes like that, maybe in South America. Remember how you learned about people who were taken in the middle of the night for 'crimes against the government' and those people were taken away, jailed, never given a trial, maybe tortured? You always got a little freaked out imagining some guy who maybe didn't do anything or maybe did do something, but something small like print literature of an opposing nature, or maybe he did do something and that something was bad but he never got the chance to go to trial and defend himself. Remember 10th grade world history? Yeah, I'm reminded of it every time I listen to the news. I have this idealistic faith in judicial system. I learned it was the great fairness of every situation. If you did something bad you would go to court, be put on trial. I learned that no matter what, you would go to court and be tried and if you had done something wrong or illegal real evidence would be presented and you would pay for your crimes in a fair and equitable way.

Of course there are all sorts of ways around these things, high powered lawyers, corrupt cops, whatever. In my idealistic world, however, i do truly believe that the government, regardless of the situation, should not get out of using the judicial system. It is the only way to be fair and true. If you cannot win a case in court, then maybe don't secretly imprison someone with no chance of release, you're not playing fair.

I need to stop listening to the news so much.

There are a million other things to report and talk about, Hammy the Hippo, Maddie's foot, my haircut, the worst chinese delivery ever, Gladiator (god that movie sucked balls), whatever. I'll get to them sometime...

I promise.

Posted by Heather at 2:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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