The Velvet Cerebellum

The time has come. Ron has gone in for his prep procedure. The next step is the brutal destruction and reconstruction of his face.

I cannot read his site without feeling the tears well up, without the tender pains in my chest and throat. I am reminded of late night tequila shot parties, cinco de mayo parties, and indian burn contests.

I can do nothing but worry. I am not a religious person, there is no comfort in prayer for me. If you have the privilege of faith in your life, please consider offering up some prayers for Ron.

Posted by Heather at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

How do I go about getting an exoskeleton?

How do I grow a chitinous plate over my abdomen in order to protect myself?

Is it a matter f ingesting all the right proteins and polysaccharides? Does the mind force the body to process and extrude the right misture so that a glass green plate comes into existence?

I am without physical grace? Will this thick, heavy armor exacerbate the situation or will I be able to compensate as I do now?

Will I find that the thickness and strength will protect me from most things, but ultimately will prove fatal if the blow is hard enough to crack it? Will I be unable to heal it?

how DO we cover the soft spots?

Posted by Heather at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

It is bitterly cold, but sunny out this joyful thanksgiving.

This is my obligatory "whatI am thankful for" post.

1) I am thankful for my family. Unlike you suckers, I got to choose my family. I am thankful for their quirkiness and their generosity, for the stories that fill my soul and memories. Most importantly, I am thankful that they chose me as well, and that they continue to put up with me through my moods, my confoundedness and my overwhelming nature. They don't have to put up with me, and yet they do for some inexplicable reason.

2) I am thankful for the joy inside me. This joy is internal and has nothing to do with the people around me. Surely I am surrounded by the happiest mix of people and dogs and family one could ask for, but I know this for sure, even if there is a shake up in my life and I lose those people I love and adore, there will still be joy inside me, after the sadness and there will always be my future.

3) How can I not mention David here. Yet another that puts up with me and my petulant moods, my demands, my chronic indecision. He sticks around, he laughs that big laugh when i try to explain how things should be in my view of the world, he makes up songs about trains that go to the moon and he eats my cooking!

4) To makes things even more mushy, let's talk about my dogs! It's no exaggeration to say that Ghengis saved my life last year after the break up. He required my attention, he required my focus. he needed to be taken care of and he needed me to stick around, to not drive to the ocean and drink vodka tonics while staring at the surf until my liver gave out. He reminded me to laugh and he reminded me that there was loyalty in this world after all. Then there's dear Maddie, the definition of sweet, innocent and lovely all bundled in velvety fur and her giant head. I must be patient with her, but the rewards are indescribable.

5) I can cook. Not only can I cook, but it is a gift that I can give other people and they can enjoy it as well. After talking to many people,, i know how lucky I am to be able to invent recipes, to have the instinct to know what disparate ingredients would actually compliment each other. But, also, i do not take myself too seriously in the kitchen. I can appreciate the flavors of a sheep's milk blue cheese or the concentrated intensity of a good molé, but also, I really really really like cheetohs! David tells me that one day my heart will burst right out of my chest for how poorly I eat sometimes, he's probably right, but I dn't mind because there is rarely a bite of anything I eat that is not savored fully, be it a roasted pear, lamb in a buerre rouge sauce or potato chips and cheap french onion dip. I'd give up not a single bite.

I'm off to finish the dishes and dinner.

Go hug somebody and smile.

Posted by Heather at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

The sky is manic depressive today. Sunny, cloudy, uplifting, oppressive. I seriously considered leaving early to make sure I could get Ghengis to the dog park before sunset. Then it got cloudy and cold. Then it got sunny again. grrr.

I got my flu shot! FLU SHOT! I was under strict strict orders to get it last year and of course I ignored the doctors and of course i got my ass kicked so hard. This year I did it. Why not, it was free and you get a cookie (one made with crisco, but I'm not going to get all picky about my free flu shot cookie).

And I learned something today! if you have an overwhelming fear of needles, the best way to get a flu shot is to go up with someone with an even worse fear of needles and promise her that everything will be okay. I had to be brave for her and therefore ended up being brave for me! And I got a cookie!

I think all moments of discomfort should be followed up by cookies.

How does a car make the blinker noise? Do car manufacturers actually record the blinker noise to be played in a synchronized fashion with your blinker? Is there a tiny speaker somewhere in the car emitting the blinker noise? For the entire time I owned my Saab, people were always commenting on the blinker noise it made. it was louder than most cars and somewhat more roundy in tone. The volvo (Mabel) has a regular blinker noise that is not much to comment on.

I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and buy a carpet cleaner for myself for my christmas present. I want the special green on with the special 5 rotating brushes (and if i weren't so lazy, I'd go find the name and the link).

and now it's time for 'heather's retarded conversation corner'
H: I forgot to bring my leftovers for lunch today. I should have it for dinner.
D: (eating something) yeah mrrph can have mrrrph peenacs mrph with it.
H: I can have penis with it? What??
D: No! You can have spinach with it!

And that was me thinking my boyfriend was using my dinner to hit on me in some crude and perplexing way.

Posted by Heather at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

My life is once again full of those singular moments, those intimate, one time only events. I want to share them with you, I want to tell you about laying in the tub with my eyes closed, swaying in the water as david plays his guitar for me.

I want to share these moments with you, but they are not for you, they are ours. They are held dear between us.

Why do I want to badly to share thse with you? To let you know I'm happy? To create another facet to this green facade you see?

No. Quite simply, I want to share them because this is really the only written record of my life. I should keep a journal but I don't. I only have this.

In copying over this site to the new one I would find myself thinking "oh, i'm coming up on the time jen and I did such and such" or "hey, didn't I do this with so and so around this time" and I find that there was so much I did not write about and so much and as time goes on I will forget. And if I forget and there is no written record, does it even matter than these events even happened?

The scent of someone falling asleep next to you, the sound of someone tuning a guitar, explaining that all the good train songs are sung with the capo on the 5th fret, getting an ice cream in savannah, laughing and almost driving off the road in kansas city, trying to talk about the future with your somewhat new boyfriend and starting to cry over your hamburger at the Edina Grill.

If I don't remember these things, who will?

Posted by Heather at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

This is going to be an extremely long post. I'm sorry about that. This is the problem with being 1) goofily happy with someone and 2) recovering from ugly sickness. These things are unrelated, but both keep me too pre-occupied to post. So, this will be long, but I will try to divide it up so you can read it in chunks!

Risotto
I made a curried buternut squash risotto on thursday night. It was different, but entirely delicious. A 1.5 pound butternut squash, half of it was roasted face down, the other have cut into 1/4" dice and tossed with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garam masala and roasted until crispy. The regular roasted squash was mashed up and added to the almost mostly done risotto, the diced was added at the end. I used half veggie broth and half water with a dollop of mild curry paste (indian style, not thai). I want to make it again, but next time not veggie broth, the reduction of the broth was too too rich.

Risotto pt:2
This is a pointless ramble about this one time I had really bad risotto. Went to dinner at Sydney's once. Sydney's is supposed to be one of those upscale restaurants with smart and trendy dishes, the reality is that their menu has a number of upscale, smart and trendy words and phrases printed on it, but the kitchen is full of second rate ingredients, pre packaged, boil in bag food and uninspired, untrained grill jockeys. I ordered the smoked chicken and dried cherry risotto, I had foolishly high hopes. Now, risotto, as we all know, is a rice dish. the word risotto means 'tasty and comforting bowl of rice food that is kind of tedious to make but the results far exceed any time spent over the stove". Sydney's never got the memo. The dish I was served had SOME rice, but mostly it had overly sweetened dried cherries and 12 pounds of 'chicken' cooked some weeks before on the mother shipped, smoke flavored and vacuum packed before shipped to earth. It was horrid. I learned a brightly valuable lesson. Why am I telling you this? who the hell knows.

Secret Confessions
Friday night we headed to Bryant Lake Bowl to see the Secret Confessions show with the Mean Sisters. Very cute, lots of fun. Sadly, the waiter brought our beer but never came back fr our food order. That's fine, after the show, David and I headed over to the Longfellow Grill instead. I had me the Elvis burger (best burger in town by far). Friday night ended up being a date. I love dates. I love dates in that stupid, goofy romantic way.

Love them.

Ganymede Elegy
I finally re-purchased the Cowboy Bebop DVD's. Quite an investment, you can't really get the 6 dvd set anymore, they sell the shitty 3 dvd set and I really did not want that. I held out and finally found the set for a reasonable price on eBay. Good price for the brand new set, but the shipping took for-fucking-ever! Started watching them. I'd forgotten how much I loved Cowboy Bebop. Now I get to veg out to Cowboy Bebop as much as possible.

�Cachapas!
Another wonderful breakfast at Maria's eating corn pancakes (cachapas), this time with James (as he needed a ride to the airport). I forgot to order the single pancake so I ended up with the double and having way more food than I could eat. Are there enough superlatives in the world to describe cachapas? No.

El Doggies
of course I write about the dogs, I love the dogs, the dogs rock hard. Dog park for a while, but not long enough. Maddie does okay for a bit but becomes overwhelmed and thugs out on the other dogs. Levi happened to be there with Milo and Bela, Hooray! Ghengis LOVES Milo, they're very evenly matched (for now, Milo is only 6 months old, eventually he will get to be too big). We'll have to start bringing Ghengis to the park without Maddie every once in a while. I like getting Maddie out there to socialize her and exercise her, but being there for only 20 or 30 minutes is not enough for Ghengis. We'll keep working on it though. Ghengis also got to play with a coupld of dachshunds for a while, they were so damned CUTE.

Rabbits!
Went to see Wallace and Gromit last night (I know I know, it's late, I always see movies late). It was good, but I think they do better with short form. It just wasn't as tight as their other stuff. Still, though, It was cute and fun and the theatre was full of cute kids.

BABYSITTERS
Last night, David and I cuddled up in bed and listened to the This American Life archives. Shopping, life in the navy and babysitting, those were the topics we hit last night. It was kind of like a date only it involved maximum cuddles and falling asleep with my face on his chest.

El Doggies Pt:2
We also played a game with Ghengis last night called "In other parts of the world". We let him know that in other parts of the world, small brown doggies are not allowed to take up so much pillow real estate and in other parts of the world small brown doggies are eaten for dinner and in other parts of the world small brown doggies are beaten in their sleep for no reason. Ghengis is a good small brown doggie and he took it all with good humor. Maddie, on the other hand just tries to get as much cuddling as possible.

Happy Birthday, Dad!
Today was cake and ice cream at my dad's for his birthday. We got him monster movies and champaign and it was fun for all!

Meatball
For whatever reason I was in the mood for italian food, not real italian food (but also not Olive Garden), I was in the mood for red sauce and noodles and italian sausage and all that. We went to Vescios in Dinkytown. I got exactly what I was craving, a huge huge plate of rigatoni with generic red sauce, italian sausage and a scoop of ricotta cheese. The salad was straight up iceberg lettuce with canned olives and boring dressing, the bread was 2 degrees from wonder bread. It was not authentic, it was fabulous.

When we left, David hit the nail on the head, the place has the ambiance of an old tractor tire. It's so old school. Dark panelling, uncomfortable molded veneer booths, I even saw them pouring red sauce into the big pot from a giant bucket. This is the kind of place your grandparents went to for Italian food and they thought they were in for a treat. Sadly, the prices did not reflect the atmosphere or the lack of effort, it still cost $36 for dinner and we only had water to drink. Oh well, we probably won't go back again, but I have enough leftovers in the fridge.

puke
Came home to 5 piles of dog puke on the floor. What the fuck, doggies? Seriously.

so long
I apologize for the length (and this is the edited version, I didn't even tell you about the cranky pharmacist with the cold sore and practiced disinterest). I'll try to be updating more often, I just need to find the time and wherewithal!

Posted by Heather at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

Last night I took a sleeping pill in the hopes that it would help me sleep. It did not help me fall asleep immediately, but when I did sleep I slept hard which was really really nice. It wasn't enough sleep, but it was nice to get a good solid chunk of sleep.

The other benefit, though, was the amazing dream I had. To describe the dream would leave you wondering why such a collection of boring events would be so exciting. It wasn't so much what happened in the dream*, but that I was so damned happy and content the whole time. It was amazing. It was this entire, hugely detailed day of happiness and fun. I woke up feeling so happy and contented. Most of the activities in the dream took place with David and I was left with such a feeling of joy.

You ever have one of those dreams where you get really furious at someone and wake up and you still feel angry and you can't quite reconcile it with the reality? This was like that except no anger and I get to bask in the happy feeling.

Some of the happy feeling dissipated in the freezing cold air of the morning, but the coffee shop cheered me up! and I was hugely productive today!

I'm off to catch up on the dishes and laundry that got neglected in my illness. Go me!

* flying to nevada with my ex's sister and someone else I didn't know, flying from the austin airport (i could tell because of how small it was and it's amazing lack of hardcore security), shipping a case of Drunken Holy Goat Beer with me to nevada, going to David's parents ranch in nevada (they don't actually have a ranch in nevada), watching the kayakers race in the olympic kayak course built to run through their house, having the rain leak into my room so much that I would have to share a room with David during my trip, wearing the goofiest clothes, going into town with friends, getting too hot in town and taking off my jeans and putting them in David's pocket, going to a gamer and comic shop and being mean to the people there (actually, this was weird, I was uncharacteristically mean to the people in this shop. I have no enmity towards gamers and comic people!), taking off my underpants in town as a joke, putting my jeans on to cover my butt, wandering back to the ranch and stumbling into another dream I'd had before where I had to promise a cop to get my act together and leave town, ending up back at the ranch and watching the sun set, checking out the giant red dodge durango david bought for his parents, packing to leave, watching the wild penguins migrating across the property and falling in love with the baby penguins, watching the angry mother penguins chase a ranch hand around for getting too close to the babies.

Posted by Heather at 9:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

I have eternal car paranoia. The faintest sound or smell or bump sends me into an internal panic. Part of this is the earlier-mentioned lack of confidence problem I have, I'm convinced I made a totally retarded decision in my car. Logically, there's no reason to believe that I chose a bad car and in fact most signs point to a good car. It was a bit of an impulse buy, i was looking to offload my Saab, with its dead turbo and shot suspension, so I sat down one afternoon and decided "I'm going to go buy a car" and within the week I had my car. I didn't really tell anyone that I was going to buy a car because I knew I'd get a lot of advice that I didn't want to hear, "get a car that is bland but reliable!" "get a car that filters pollution out of one gallon of ocean water for every mile you drive!" "Buy my uncle's car! It mostly doesn't smell anymore!". Also, I didn't want anyone to talk me out of my dream car should I have a chance to buy one cheap (i didn't but there's still hope).

I did my research and found the car with the options I wanted, in my price range, good mileage blah blah blah and bought it that day. Again, I didn't consult anyone because I wanted to prove that i could actually do this by myself. It seems like a good plan, but if you are me you are then stuck worrying for the rest of the time you own the car that something will go wrong and it will be your fault for not asking someone smarter than you to approve your decision and when people see what a huge car-related mistake you made they'll all be there to say "you bought a stupid car because you are a stupid person and you do stupid things!"

ANYWAY, this is all coming up because on the drive home today I started to smell the bad burninating car smell. All the way down Portland Ave I was freaking out about the burning car smell. The gauges were all in their happy normal ranges, nothing was really happening, but there was the burning car smell. Fuck, what if the engine was catching on fire? then I'd be a stupid person with a stupid burned out car!!

Then the car in front of me turned onto 40th Street and by the time I hit my turn on 42nd Street the smell was gone. My car was not burning up! The white cavalier was burning up! Good for them, I hope it goes well for them, the burning up and all.

Phew.

The funniest sad thing ever is when Maddie decides to chew on Ghengis' rawhide and no amount of pushing her with his nose will get her attention and so he is left to put his nose on the floor and make the sad honking noises he makes. His other option would be to go get any one of the 500 other rawhides he has laying around and chew on that.

Although it seems he has chosen plan 'C': chew the tag out of my jean jacket.

Also, today, the dogs decided to enjoy the better part of a 1 pound block of Callebaut dark chocolate. Assnuggets.

My health is returning slowly, but the snot only shows minimal signs of abating. I was moderately useful at work today which is pretty damned good if you ask me.

Cold windy rainy day with the threat of snow overnight. Tomorrow I will be the short one on the corner screaming "FUCK YOU" at the sky.

Posted by Heather at 9:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

This is the obligatory "i've been at death's door" whine. And for Julie's reading pleasure, it will include descriptions of snot.

It was your standard fill my head and lungs with snot and pain. My ears hurt, my throat hurt, my soft palate hurt. My abs are totally RIPPED from all the coughing. When I open my mouth I can see actual rivers of snot running down the back of my throat directly into my stomach. In fact, there is such a constant, heavy flow of snot that I am amazed that 1) my body can seemingly produce and consume an infinite amount of snot and 2) that my head has not shrunk or my belly exploded.

I am also coughing up copious amounts of snot laden loogie.

I sound like a pteradactyl sodomized my vocal chords.

On Friday my mother came down for birthday dinner. It was somewhat overwhelming, my mother, her father, my boyfriend, my sister, HER boyfriend and his parents. I tried to remain low-key, i didn't have enough cold pills in my system to last me very long, but 2 glasses of retsina conspired against me and the cold pills wore off with a vengeance. Ow.

Dinner went well, and at the end I even managed to tell keith's parents that i was usually more charming than this.

David brought me to Walgreens and I got to do the special "we're watching you so don't make meth with these medicines" thing! You can't just buy drugs that have pseudoephedrine in them anymore (and believe me, you cannot get a cold pill without it). You pick the medicines you want, take the special label card off the rack and bring it to the pharmacist. He gets the pills for you and then fills out a special binder with your name and address and the total number of grams of pseudoephedrine you buy. Cool. I don't think he'd ever seen anyone so excited about something so mundane.

I had to be excited because the alternative was to acknowledge that the reality was that no one was ever going to look at that book or cross reference it with any other books and that while it might slow down the small time producer, it will do nothing to stem the tide of meth flowing in from Mexico.

Am I opposed to the war on drugs? To an extent, I think there is a huge discrepancey between money spent and results seen, and some of the results we've seen are asinine. I am, however, opposed to meth more than I am opposed to the war on drugs. Meth is a filthy drug, the physical and environmental costs of meth are enormous. You wanna smoke a little weed on the weekends with your friends? Hey, if you can hold down a job, pay your bills, whatever, then go ahead and spark up. Meth isn't the same, and I have yet to see a tweaker that didn't go from good times to bad shit on the short path.

but whatever. I signed the book and rejoiced and then pondered how much you have to buy before the authorities got inolved. I figured two boxes of cold pills weren't going to trigger anyone's alarms. Just in case, though, they could come see the amazing Rio Snot winding down my throat.

Saturday found me freaking out and needing to get Maddie to the et as soon as possible but also needing David to bring us there as I was hugely sick and unable to do it alone. Oh dear god we had to go so fast, the vet closed at noon and I couldn't make her wait until MONDAY! Yes, I freaked out and ran the dog to the vet to find out she has allergies. Her eyes were all gooey, I was convinced she had a terrible infection, I could not make her wait all weekend!!! I got some goo for her eyes and she's fine. The vet also looked at her foot and proclaimed the swollen pads to also be allergies and to continue treating as I had been, but her foot's not getting better so back she goes.

What the hell is it with these dogs?

Saturday night! Betsy's housewarming! I remember being pilled out of my head, I remember eating huge amounts of belgian honeyed goat cheese, I remember not having a voice, I remember delicious crab rolls, I remember the cutest little dog EVER!! (seriously, I need to get a picture of Gary, he's so damned CUTE). I remember having a great time and I remember coming home and going to bed.

Sunday, I did nothing. I hauled my snot filled body from the bed to the sofa, I watched the Simpsons all day. David made me some cream of wheat at some point. I completely buzzed out on Robitussin with Codeine. I never got dressed. I was a dead weight.

Then I went to bed again. Everytime I fall asleep I start sweating like a freak, it's really gross. I want this cold to be over.

Today I felt like jelly and mostly sat still and did not move. The cold pills killed my appetite, i managed to eat 1/2 a grilled cheese before my system threatened to revolt. David made me some sesame-miso noodles but I could only eat a little but. Anything that isn't sweet tastes off, like metal or burnt wood. I ate a little peanut butter, but still, couldn't eat much.

I'm going to let the dogs out and then soak in the tub. Alex sent me Dan Simmons' 'Ilium' and I am anxious to get started on that, but I have to finish re-reading 'House of Leaves' before I start anything new.

There, I posted, I hope Julie is happy with how snot filled this post is!

Posted by Heather at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

In a fine example of my eternal retardation I decided to self medicate last night. All I had were daytime cold and flu pills and I knew those would keep me awake all night. I needed to sleep, but I would not sleep if I took those pills, and I would not sleep if I did not take those pills.

The solution? Take a vicodin! Mix it all up, take the pills and go to bed! Did it work? You're reading about it here so you can safely assume it did not work. You can also safely assume it turned me into a snot filled rubber bed monkey for the night.

To add to my confoundedness yesterday i was trapped in this bizarro conversation:
unnamed person: you look so cute today! Your hair is cute and it looks like it has a barette in it
sick me: it...is...a barette?
unnamed person: but it looks like a barette
sick me: indeed.

God I hate being sick. I have so much to do this weekend, I don't have time to be sick. I need a nap.

Posted by Heather at 9:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

ow. sick. ow. pain. sick. cold. strep. sinuses. ow. pain.

and must meet april's boyfriend's parents tomorrow.

and must help betsy cook for housewarming saturday.

ow.

hoping for death.

Posted by Heather at 9:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

oh yes I did. Here's how the whole deal unfolded...

1) Looking at the candidates. Not much new but I hadn't really looked at the library or the park board people. So I look. Weird. A guy I used to know is running for park board. I never figured him for political or anything, but there it is. So, Jason, I'd have never pegged you for the job, hell, I would never even have figured you wee so into the parks, but I voted for you. What the hell, you know?

2) On the way to the Keewaydin Community Center to vote I twisted my ankle on a rock and fell down bashing my knee. This would be a bigger deal, except I fall down all the damned time. If you ever see a weeble-wobble splayed out on the sidewalk somewhere in minneapolis you can safely assume it is me.

3) I voted, I even carefully wrote down my selections beforehand. I got my red sticker.

4) When you fall down on the sidewalk you get to have a hamburger for dinner. This is a true rule. I got my hamburger.

5) Now I am watching 'Fishing With John' with the boy and the doogles. My knee hurts.

Did you vote? You should have!

Posted by Heather at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

Every night we take the dogs out. We sit on the front steps, me on the left, him on the right. We smoke our one cigarette and talk.

We talk about work or dogs or trips or memories or we just make shit up.

Then he walks the dogs around the block so they can poop and I get ready for bed.

When he gets home the dogs race through the house to find me and tell me about everything they smelled and the places they peed.

I crawl into bed while he is checking his stuff on the computer and brushes his teeth. Then he brings me my vitamin, I take my vitamin, hand the glass back and he tells me to drink more. He tells me I need to drink more, he nods when we compromise on how much is enough.

We do this almost every night, slight variations in every step.

I like the pattern and the consistency and I've always liked being given a vitamin.

Posted by Heather at 9:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

I know it's tacky, but this message isn't necessarily for you, my beloved readers, but also my mom and dad and anyone else who needs to get me a christmas gift.

Here is my Amazon wish list. The bread machine, the alien quadrilogy, the cheese primer....sigh. Or, for things off the list, bubble bath! I'm always looking for bubble bath and bath related things in citrusy scents. Or dog toys, or kitchen things or a solid gold rocket car or movies or books or chocolate...

I know, I suck, but I'm also all about efficiency.

tonight it's fake meat chicken and dumplings, comfort food. Big big bowls of comfort food! Saturday was fake meat chicken molé with spiced black beans and rice. I heated the molé too much and it got too thick but did not burn. NTS, d not overheat molé.

Tomorrow, squash risotto.

Just about time to start dinner, David is at class and maybe I can time this out correctly.

oh, also, yes, progress is being made on the new site. I've become rather link heavy in my recent posts meking copying them over rather tedious and boring. I'm getting help with color and design now, which is good. Hopefully I can go live with this site soon and get rid of this old one. Last night it started asking me for a password and would not display my images. You're doing a bang up job, guys! Thanks for being the hosts with the most!

Dinner time. Break it down.

Posted by Heather at 7:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

I can't sing. I can't parallel park. I can't make an origami crane. I can't draw. I can't run. I can't make choices.

There is a litany to my day a set of stock responses. I can't do things. David tells me I just need more confidence, that if I actually tried and practiced I would find that I could do some of these things.

It's easier, though, to bow out and stop than it is to feel that deep disappointment in myself with every failure. Better to concede victory than to compete.

I wish I did have more confidence. I don't know where that comes from. It took one offhand comment 16 years ago to make me stop singing just for the love of it. Now I really only ever do it in the car when i'm alone. Sometimes when David is in there, but not often.

Jen's dad taught me to drive and I could see the immense frustration when it came to parallel parking. I was so retarded at it. I learned enough to pass the test and then made a pact with myself to always park in lots or drive farther to find the spot I could nose into. It's worked fine. I never do it. No one ever has to point out to me what a terrible parallel parker I am. I already know.

And no one has to point out what a terrible artist I am, I know.

Terrible at music? Yeah, I already know.

Bad eye for colors, can't design my own website because of some internal retardation. No need to tell me, I already know.

I concede most arguments, or respond with a "what do I know, i'm functionally retarded". It's a good response to people question why you do something in a certain way. That way you don't have to explain that you do something a certain way because it makes the most sense to you or you like it that way or because you think their way is wrong. You just let them know that you're not so bright and the way you are doing something is probably wrong.

I just wish I knew where confidence came from. I wish I could say stuff with confidence, I wish I didn't have to qualify almost every damned statement I made. I do know this, it's much easier to call yourself retarded first than it is to hear someone call you that.

Posted by Heather at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

I love that every morning i have 30 minutes to sit in the quiet of my house, listen to NPR, surf the web, read my emails and watch the dogs go back to sleep.

I love that we actually got a real autumn this year. The climate was certifiably 'cool' and 'chilly', the leaves turned real fall colors.

I love the way my dogs smell. No one else on the planet loves dog smell the way I do, I bury my face in my dogs and inhale.

I love chick pea patties with chevre, roasted sweet potatoes, sauteed kale and mint chip ice cream.

I love songs about escaping and starting over (you'll have to scroll down the "train to chicago" this is the only page I could find with the lyrics to that song) especially in the fall when the dread boulder of winter threatens to chase me down the hill. I live my escape fantasies in my songs and get it out of my system and come home and look at the dogs and the boy and the dishes and happily realize that all I could never fit it all in my car for a fast getaway.

I love shopping for legos online.

I love wearing a black bra with a white shirt and not caring how trashy I look.

I love that i am ending this post simply because I have to pee

Posted by Heather at 12:50 PM | Permalink

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

Tonight at Target I gave the cashier a quickie-mini-lesson in how to cook kale. She'd never seen it before and was confused by it. I gave her a few methods and stopped after telling her to add it to risotto, I didn't want to explain risotto.

I will probably add it to risotto. Maybe. I did pick up a butternut squash and curried squash risotto would be good. We'll see. Tonight is my night off, I made a frozen pizza, I did add tomato, extra cheese and herbs so I was nt a total slacker.

I also bought Maddie a new dog bed. I think she'd had one before and I think ghengis is old enough to not hump everything that will bear his weight. She hasn't laid on it yet, she's far too excited by my proximity to lay on it.

So, it's the month of the growth. My sister went to the doctor in amazing pain and they discovered a 4cm cyst on her ovary. They are in wait and see mode. If it gets bigger, they go take it out, if it doesn't they leave it to burst on its own. I used to get these fairly regularly, I know her pain.

Then my old friend, Ron, dropped this frightening bomb on me this morning. Fuck.

There is not much I can do for either of them but show my support and fret and worry. So, there you have it guys, the eternal worrier now has something to focus her worry on.

Progress on building my new site has slowed, I've been distracted. The same could be said for goat pictures. They're coming along slowly.

I don't have much more to say. If anyone would like to join me in my worry for April or Ron, please sign up in the comments section below. I've mentioned many times how dear my sister is to me, but I've probably not said much of Ron since he moved his punk ass so far from me. Ron is truly one of my favorite people and he is definitely one of those people where it does not matter how long you've been apart, you'll pick right up where you left off...which I suppose is watching him play Castle Wolfenstein at 4:20.

ps. no, i'm not doing NaNoWriMo. One day I'll write a book, it won't be this year and it won't next.

Posted by Heather at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

The campus where I work is in a not so great part of minneapolis, not the worst part but definitely one riddled with drugs and crime. We have 3 institutions on theis campus, the art college where i work, the art institute and the children's theatre. We are a 6 square block oasis in the midst of the 'bad part of town'.

There's always crime on the periphery, usually one drugged out thug on another, occasionally a mugging of one of the students or residents.

This past week or so there has been a definite and alarming increase in the incidents. They are all pretty similar, two perps coming up behind the victim and either grabbing them or knocking them down. Occasionally a gun is flashed. These happen suddenly, they steal purses or wallets or whatever and take off.

A few weeks ago there was an unrelated series of assaults by a man who was kidnapping the victims, taking them to their homes and stealing their stuff. He was caught.

I don't like being scared, I refuse to be paranoid, but this is very real. The route from my office to the parking ramp takes on an poorly lit path between buildings where no one is really watching. I don't want to get robbed, I don't want someone to knock me down and take my purse. There's not much in there, a few credit cards, many many many receipts, my cell phone, I never have more that $40 cash on me.

I don't want to get grabbed from behind, I don't want to get knocked down, i don't want someone to take my purse.

A few people have mentioned getting guns. What's the point? If I had a gun on me and I got knocked down and my purse taken I would then also be the owner of a stolen gun. Even, if the world were a magical place and I actually had the chance to pull a gun and aim it at someone, would I want to trade a life for my purse? Or, more realistically, would I be willing to get shot over a cell phone? It's a nice cell phone, but I like my liver and spleen, I don't want them harmed.

It's just frustrating to think about. I was never really scared before, the bulk of the incidents before involved people who knew each other, drug deals gone bad, the occasional gang rivalry. I came to work, did my work and went home. I engaged in no behavior that would invoke the anger of a thug. Now that does not seem to matter.

So, we're going to move in numbers. I might start parking elsewhere, though my options are limited, i cannot parallel park to save my life.

Not much else to report, the mundane details overwhelm us all. Tonight I must haul ass to the SuperTarget and get dog food and groceries. this morning the dogs got a bowl full of treats as I had been remiss in my dog food buying duties. I don't think they minded. Levi told me he gives his dogs peanut butter sandwiches when there is no food. Good idea.

SuperTarget, Dishes, Laundry. I will not be making dinner tonight, there is leftover eggplant parmesan for David and frozen pizza or pierogies for me.

Ghengis' ear is getting better. The more I think about how much pain he was in on monday morning the more my stomach hurts. He was in so much pain he was shaking, his jaw was quivering. I know what I feel like when I have an ear infection or a sore throat, but I can tell someone, i can drive myself to the doctor or ask someone to do it for me. he is without words, what if I had missed it Monday morning? It had been bothering him the whole weekend while I was gone, what if I had made him go all day monday as well? I feel awful not knowing what he needs.

Puppy guilt, it's a terrible thing.

Lastly, Maddies birthday is coming up on the 12th!! She will be a big girl 5! Of course we will have a party with cake and frosty paws and presents and spinning in circles! Ghengis will get presents as well, and at is party, maddie will get presents.

Seriously, folks, this is what happens when you are 32 and you have 2 dogs and no kids. Sad.

Posted by Heather at 12:48 PM | Permalink

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

My mom, that is, she says it gets easier to cook regularly and keep things tidy. I don't know, I hope so. I need this cooking. I need to feel as though I can accomplish something. I need to produce something that is appreciated by one other person on a fairly regular basis. I need to produce something in which I feel a certain amount of pride.

And to be honest, I need to be pro-active about dealing with this nagging, low grade depression. I need to keep it under control. No one likes being around a depressed person, no one even likes saying "sorry you're feeling blue, buck up!". Thing is, since I started this self regulated program of cooking more often and listening to my books and all that, I DO feel better. I am accomplishing something, I am producing something that I am fairly confident David appreciates, I feel proud of the meals I work on.

The thing about cooking is that there's a rhythm. You cut and peel and bread and fry and bake and whisk and consult and measure. You plot two steps ahead, especially when you have a poorly laid out kitchen like I do. You taste and experiment and season and hope. There's a dance you do with onions, eggplants, cutting boards, ovens and sinks. When you finish this dance you put the result on a plate and you cha-cha over to your special person and you hope they dance too.

Tonight I danced with eggplant parmesan, it is currently resting in the oven, getting ready for the finally. On the side I will make sauteed spinach with garlic.

Goat pictures on the way! I promise. Also, apologies, I've not been keepign up with Ephemeral Photo. Both are n the agenda, both will be dealth with. Huzzah.

Okay, someboday buy me the Alien Quadrilogy just because. Tell me it's because you think I'm charming!

Posted by Heather at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

I just finished dinner.

Dang.

Pumpkin Gnocchi (or dumplings as they call them) were amazing. I doubled the recipe, added a tad more flour and seasonings and sauteed them in sage brown butter.

The grocery by my house did not have kale but they did have collard greens. I sauteed thinly sliced onion in butter until golden, added a chopped apple, garam masala and more butter. The collard greens were deveined, cut into a 1/4 inch chiffonade and added to the apple and onion and mixed briefly until bright green.

I also roasted some salmon but that was uninspired and I probably should have gotten a pork chop.

If David does not get home soon, there will be no leftovers for him. Those gnocchi are screaming for me to eat them.

Also, completely unrelatedly, I'm totally getting a tattoo on my forehead that says 'corporate whore'. I'm sitting here in my green Old Navy track jacket, rocking the faux-hawk and accessorising with those little plastic barettes you had when you were a girl. I suck.

Oh well, I can drown my sorrows in pumpkin gnocchi and cheap red wine. what have you got?

Posted by Heather at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

Last night I went to Ramadan dinner (technically breakfast, the meal at which they break their fast) with Jessi and Ahmed. how much fun was that? A room packed full of happy people filling up on the most delicious egyptian food. Because it was Ramadan we had to wait until the appointed time to eat, but because this was a very popular place for Muslims to eat dinner you had to get there early stake out a table.

It was a room full of people sitting and waiting, there was a buffet set up at one end and it smelled wonderful. It was hard to wait (and I had not been fasting the way they had been). About 10 minutes before it was time to eat you could go up and get your plate, but you could not start eating until the appointed time. Everyone dug in at once, it was a very happy time.

I mean that, this was a really happy time. There was a lot of joy and a lot of generosity in the air. Everyone was kind and smiling. Ahmed knew almost everyone, the room was mostly Egyptians along with some Palestinians and Somalis. How could you not be happy, this was an event, a coming together to share wonderful food with people.

I can't possibly describe all the food, there were probably 3 or 4 eggplant dishes, 3 lamb dishes, all the vegetables are stewed with tomatos, every dip from baba ghanouj to fava to hummus to tzatziki, 4 salads, rice, falafel and even french fries for the kids. You couldn't possibly eat enough of anything.

then they brought out the tea and dessert.

I was worried going in to this, I felt like I was walking into a minefield of customs and mores that I would not understand. I did not want to offend anyone. I made it through, I offended no one, i even knew enough not to try to shake someone's hand when introduced.

Jessi and Ahmed rock, they continue to answer my questions, and I have a lot of them. Also, I notice that they were playing an Arabic language television station. I got to see the weather in India, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia (they all looked hot and sunny). Then they played some sort of soap opera. I was reminded of eating in a Mexican restaurant where they play Univision all the time.

Other than that I did nothing for halloween. I got home too late to hand out candy and I would not have been able to with the dogs barking and jumping the whole time. Last year Alan came over to help me with the trick or treaters, he got to hold Ghengis while I handed out candy. Alan's great reward was a Ghengis pee stain on his sweatshirt.

in other news...
Ghengis is recovering nicely. He slept under the covers last night. He's a good, warm little dog.

I'm trying to decide what to make for dinner. I have the house to myself, I should take advantage and cook. I do not know what to cook. Anything I want to cook will require a run to the store. I'll have to think about it.

Thought about it (i love the way time just flies). I'm thinking pumpkin gnocci with sauteed kale and salmon. Yum? YUM! I'll let you know how that goes.

Posted by Heather at 12:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »