The Velvet Cerebellum

I read an article once detailing how dogs were not man's best friend but, in fact, highly evolved parasites. They learned how to manipulate humans and as a result were taken in, fed, housed, loved in exchange for very little. Sure, there are working dogs out there that work hard for the food, shelter and love they receive, but I think that they are in the minority.

Let's use....hmmm...Ghengis as an example here. He knows exactly which facial expressions will get him more hugs and cuddling and he uses them liberally. He also knows exactly how to sit up and pout his lip a little (yes, he pouts his lower lip) to get a dorito from me.

In his slickest move thus far, he offered me a chunk of chewed up rawhide in exchange for another dorito. He kept plopping the gross little rawhide nubbin on my lap then looking at the bag of chips. I naturally gave him a dorito which he ate. Then he deftly picked up the rawhide he had given me, settled in net to me and started chewing on it.

He offered something to me in exchange for a dorito knowing that i would not want to keep it. He got his dorito AND his rawhide AND i will continue to look down upon him as though he were a little furry angel sent to make me happy.

I'm such a sucker.

Posted by Heather at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Sigh, i killed my first squirrel this morning. I didn't mean to, I'm totally that crazy chick who stops for squirrels in the middle of the road. A bus was bearing down on him and he panicked and jumped into my lane. I wasn't even sure what happened until I saw him in my rearview mirror.

Sad.

I'm still floating in this happy bubble from the weekend. Happy happy happy bubble.

Happy bubbles help alleviate squirrel murder guilt.

So does Mexican food. Bryan, David and I are off to chow down on tamales and molé (or Ethiopian, I can't decide, but I seem to recall David saying he doesn't like injeera and that's kind of a staple of ethiopian food. He needs to call me so i can figure this out and call Bryan and set up the plans. Sigh.)

Speaking of plans, birthday party on saturday. We're going bowling. I don't know where yet. You'll be informed.

This dude is the coolest guy ever. I want him to go bowling with me.

David bought banilla flavored yogurt. It's banana/vanilla, they call it banilla. I'm in love with banilla, I love to say it. Banilla.

Banilla.

Posted by Heather at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So, my whole pointless goal this weekend was to go to the coffee shop, chill with the boy and dog and eat waffles. Don't know why, I just wanted to. Saturday David was more in the mood for something substantial and eggy so we headed to Maria's Colombian Cafe and he had eggy and I had plantain pancakes with cojito. Yesterday we were over in Highland Park buying 37 pound bags of dog food and every dog treat ever produced (there was a sale), so we eat at the Highland grill (eggs benedict for me, good, but I'm spoiled by the Uptown Diner's benedict so I think I'm just going to stick to theirs from now on).

So, this morning was the time for the chilling and the waffles and the sun on my face. Of course today was also the day they ran out of waffle batter and the supplier couldn't get ingredients to them until tomorrow because of the holiday. Sigh. But, I'm nothing if not adaptable so David bundled me off into the car and headed out. We ended up at the Longfellow grill (which is the exact same restaurant as the Highland grill and the Edina grill, but Longfellow has a slightly larger menu). You have two waffle options there, smothered in ooey gooey bananas or not smothered in ooey gooey bananas. I wanted fruit but I did not want ooey gooey fruit, I just did not need that much sugar.

The waiter, a pleasant gentleman, but seemingly unaccustomed to restaurants getting busy was confused by my request but completely determined to fill it. He brought me my waffle accompanied by a plate with sliced banana and a plate with blueberries. Perfect! He explained that since they didn't actually have a menu item that was waffes with fruit on top that they had to give each fruit it's own plate. Okay then!

I happily gorged myself on my breakfast (at 1pm) and listened to the guy at the table next to us ramble on about the many thing that he was the expert on to his internet date. He was the expert on the menu, on turtle mochas, on spiders, on race car driving, on being in charge of things, on not shutting his goddammed mouth so his date could say something. She was bored, I felt bad for her but he was the kind of guy who would pay (and also act like he was owed something because of it. She looked like she could get out of that, though) so she would not be out anything but a couple hours of her life.

boom. what's next? David wanted to go bike riding this afternoon. I keep trying to tell him I'm terrible at bike riding, I'm horribly out of shape. Also, it seems I have purchased the absolute worst bike ever made. I just wanted a bike and I don't really know anything about them. I knew that if I went to an actual bike shop they's want me to spent a lot of money on a bike and I stupidly figured that a bike was a bike. Working on this incorect assumption I headed down to Target to plop down $100 or so on whatever bike was the right height and coolest color. The result of this excursion was a funky blue (purple was too short) bike that weighs about 4.2 metric butt-kilos (this is a lot. elephants weigh less than this bike) with really fat, super nubbly tires (this is apparently bad for city riding as it creates lots of friction slowing my fat ass down even more). So, bike riding is quite a chore for my otherwise lazy ass.

Lucky for me, David talked to John and it was decided we would go hiking through Theo Worth park.

Also, lucky for me I found part of my birthday present. Yay. (YAY).

We hiked for a couple hours, very pretty in there. The only problem with hiking in parks in the city is that you have to keep ghengis on his leash the whole time.

Healthy hiking yin needs a dirty yang (dirty yang is the name of my new band or the name of a sex position I have yet to invent). My dirty yang was the first bbq of the season, the bbq in my new place. Brats (and tofu pups for Mr Vegetarian Pants), corn on the cob, cherries, watermelon, chips, onions and green peppers too for David.

ALSO MARSHMALLOWS!!!

So far, the movie Sideways is convincing me that middle aged men are to be avoided at all costs. Someone, please, PLEASE assure me that guys don't turn into this.

I'm off, my peepos!

PS kisses by the wild forget-me-nots. Sigh.

Posted by Heather at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I'm watching the first five seasons of the Simpsons again. "You're a credit to dementia", one of the many good lines. I miss the good years of the Simpsons.

So, what's better than waffles at the coffee shop? Plantain pancakes with cojito at the Colombian cafe!

And what's better than not eating dessert? Hot Fudge Sundae Cake!!! People, listen to me, this cake makes it's own pudding. It uses patented and secret magic technology to turn mundane ingredients into cake AND pudding. Good lord, I would not even need the humping anymore if I could have the magical cake with its own pudding every day.

Well, except that I like the humping. Okay, if it made it's own ice cream, I'd give up the humping.

The dog is running in his sleep, except all his paws are under him so mostly he's just undulating like a furry little grub as he sleeps. Today at the dog park a very very very large dog laid on top of him. He just pushed G down, laid down and held him in place. So weird how dogs are.

My new hero. I want to drive like that. And she's cute. Sigh. Also, Robby Gordon, grow up! If anyone wants to buy me an exhorbitant birthday present you can get me race driving lessons.

Speaking of my birthday...sigh...I'll be 32 and will be older than David again. 9 months older, i'm such a pervert.

I need a cheap fly-away vacation. Give me some suggestions. I think I'm addicted to airports or something.

gnome out

Posted by Heather at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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you know someone has a special like for you when they make you a spicy bean and tomato and cheese and spinach burrito at 11:15 pm because you are hungry and you don't feel good and your kidneys and bladder are being problematic.

you know someone has a special like for you when you don't even have to ask.

also, i must be getting old or something, i was looking at meatloaf recipes. What the fuck, people? I'm not that old and I'm looking at recipes for old people food. I hated meatloaf when I was a kid, now I'm looking at recipes and seriously considering making it for me.

of course, I'm beset on all sides by vegetarians so meatloaf will be for alan and I exclusively.

I'll make something else special special for david later!

Posted by Heather at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Dog park, 3-5 times a week, rain or shine. That was me standing in the freezing rain last night while my dog romped with the other hardcore dog owners. Ghengis met a couple french bulldogs last night and he had the time of his life. They were perfect for him. Small, but not with that weird delicacy you find in terriers (there's nothing delicate about ghengis and it makes me nervous when the terriers want to rough house with him. Their legs are so thin compared to his.), super strong like ghengis and definitely playful. The only concern I have is that any mush-face dog has a really hard time staying cool in the heat so that will be a problem.

Also, the humane society has a puggle puppy for adoption right now. So tempted, but I really don't want a puppy. I don't want to go through house breaking again and I don't want G-dawg to be a bully.

It's all about the perfect match, you know.

I found my new food obsession...the noodle dishes at Evergreen (the hidden-in-the-basement, insanely good Taiwanese place by work). Today I had the sesame paste noodles, fabulous, later I'm going back to try the others. So good. So very very good. I love noodle dishes.

God, I've been talking about sushi so much lately, I totally want to make it. Soon! Who wants to come over for a sushi party? Bring the plum wine and sake, I'll make the sushi.

what other non-sequiturs can i pop out here...

Congratulations to Ethan for his big big big happy happy happy news! Go you! (he can share in the comments section if he likes).

Congratulations to Elena on her big big big happy happy happy news of a different variety (she can share in the comments section as well). Frankly, i think this is a direct result of your lack of chones, but that's just my opinion.

Still no definite plans this weekend. The weather is not allowing me to hold out much hope for a lot in the way of outdoor activities. I do hope I can get in some waffle eating at the coffee shop.

There's a family of red breasted house finches in my back yard. Super cute, I hope I can watch the babies grow up.

the secrets lives of objects is of no concern to me

let's all cross our fingers for dena and levi and hope they are approved to adopt the dog they want! If they get him, Suji will be his name. yay.

Who are the people who download those screensavers you see in banner ads?? There's a list of internet activities that should get your hands smacked. Buying ANYTHING from an email with a return address like chestymcboobsalot@turducken.net, downloading any sort of free anything from an animated banner ad, convincing yourself that elongating your penis is a good idea.

I am remarkably well behaved and a model of self control.

The next major step in my new place is decorating. I suck at it, I have no eye for it. Apparently there are a lot of rules. I'm gonna wing it and see what happens. I'm not looking for feng shui or zen or anything, just pretty.

Also, many of you keep asking me what to get me for my house. I don't really need anything. I'm pretty much set. What I definitely do not need is houseplants. I can't keep them alive, i don't even try anymore.

Setting up the fish tank soon. Maybe this weekend? Maybe! That's a good, rainy day activity.

alright peep-masters, pop the corn til you drop the horn.

Posted by Heather at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Happy Birthday, Julie!!!!
This is your year!

Have some cake for me.

Posted by Heather at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I'm helping the immensely charming Dena name the dog that she and Levi have not yet adopted. They have lots of name rules. I'm picking my brain (the crazy brain, not the regular one, that one is taking a break).

If one more person asks me if I watched the American Idol or Lost or Everybody Loves Their Own Butt finales I'm gonna start punching. Every time someone asks I end up having to explain that I turned off my tv reception and I don't watch tv. Then I end up having to explain that I did it not for any uppity, 'I'm better than pop culture' reason, but for the exact opposite, I get sucked into shows too easily, I watch too much tv. Granted, I mostly tried to watch Discovery channel stuff when I got the chance, but still.

I ordered $120 worth of pizza for a department pizza party. My boss wanted me to go cheaper than last time (which was also $120, the time before that was $180). Of the good pizza places in town, Luce's prices are pretty much the same as the others (and the pizzas are bigger than Galactic's so be all earth friendly if you want, Luce is still the better deal). My boss tried to suggest Dominos and got voted down. Interestingly, it seems my vote carries more weight than his, so even if the result is 1-1 I will still win. This is how it should be.

Long weekend coming up. Haven't even thought about what to do, yet. David wants to go hiking or kayaking or camping or something. I'd vote for canoeing or hiking or chilling at the coffee shop eating waffles, but that's me. Also, still working on setting up the new place. Everything got railroaded by the UTI. Also, unpacking and putting away is boring and more interesting things keep coming up.

Still looking at dogs. It's now my bad idea badge! The perfect dog will show up soon enough.

Ghengis needs a little buddy!!

Thanks for the emails of congratulations for the house sale and sympathy for the UTI.

Best poem ever. EVER.

When I was at the doctor's office the other day i was reading a Minnesota Monthly or something and there was one of those little quarter page blurbs. When there is a local magazine with a blurb that contains the word 'geegaw' and a lamentation about modern architecture and and exaltation of old, already torn down buildings you just know it has to be James Lileks. Now don't get me wrong, I like his writing and even own a couple of his books, but I always sort of glaze over when he starts going on about the 'good old days of whatever'. The building he was writing about was a giant stone castle-eque structure that used to be a high school in St Paul that was built in the 1880's and then had a wing added on later. I work in a building built in the 1970's, an ugly building to be sure, but even in a building this relatively new compared to that monstrosity I know what a fucking pain in the ass it is to keep (at the very least) the HVAC systems functioning and we have modern systems in place. I look at that giant, old stone building and think "out dated wiring...too hot in the summer...too HOT in the winter with those damned boilers and no controls...no circulation...constantly clogged toilets". Sigh, I need to stop working in this department.

OH JOY!!!!!!
J-O-Y!

Matt from the mailroom just handed me my tickets to the Austin City Limits Festival!!!! Now I have to find a safe safe safe place to hide these! Not only do I get to see three days of great music but I also get to hang out with Ethan which is a rare treat. Best part? He lives close enough that we can park halfway and walk! No shuttle buses, no billion-car traffic jams! Also looking forward to $4 heinekens and watching Mike Doughty.

Well, that made my day!

That and the 5 bucks i made on a bet. People need to stop betting me, I am the queen of relationship predictions.

Stay F.O.A.M.Y. my crazy P.E.E.P.S

Posted by Heather at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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The only thing of interest I have to say is that for the first time since I moved in to my place i'm making an actual dinner with actual ingredients that aren't convenience food (well, the red curry paste came in a jar and the veggies were precut and frozen, but you know what I mean). So now we wait for Davidu-san to get his butt over here for thai red curry veggies (there's chicken in mine, from leftover rotisserie chicken he got me last night because I was too sick to cook. Sigh, okay, lots of convenience food).

Also, it's cool when you are sick and someone brings you ice cream, popsicles and chicken. yay.

and one more point of banality: when you were a kid were you disappointed that so called 'split top' bread didn't have a special buttery flavor at the split? Okay, well I was disappointed. I was also disappointed that the can of Scrubbing Bubbles didn't have the army of scrubbing bubbles that were featured in the tv ads.

oooh, I just remembered something cool...
The wife of one of my coworkers is going to open a retreat for scrapbookers (i don't know, they're into or something) and they will need someone to run the kitchen. Since I worked as their personal chef for a while they are interested in hiring me. I'm not sure I would do it, my job has great benefits and I don't work evenings or weekends, but this would be an opportunity to do something I love. Something to think about.

Man, I wish I had potato chips.

Posted by Heather at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I hate when i spill on myself when I am eating!

Barring any freak surprises I think I may actually have the kitchen completely unpacked and 95% put away. I need a new silverware holder as my other one just does not fit. I may end up rearranging things, but that's to be expected.

I wish my weekend had highlights, but sadly the highlights are 1) unpacked 2) did laundry 3) went to coffee shop with the boy and the dog and chilled 4) unpacked 5) did laundry (it's a small washer) 6) watched movies 7) ate a burrito bowl from chipotle (2 meals) 8) walking around the lake 9) unpacked.

Monday I close on the sale of the house. Thank god. This is the final act of severing from my ex, it is the last tendril connecting us. It's sad in a way, or it was sad, I had hoped that when we broke up we were doing it in order to preserve the friendship. I was wrong about a great many things, and the hard part was that it took so very long for me to learn that.

And with the closing of the sale of the house comes some cash which I will immediately blow on cheap liquor and loose women. Party at my place and it won't end 'til somebody loses a liver.

Okay, just kidding, the money is all earmarked for a number of very adult-like and responsible things. Also a couple small, cheap fun things and one very nice dinner for David and I to thank him for practically being a saint about this whole ordeal. I'm very lucky to have found him, it's not often you get someone so kind. He's probably too nice for the likes of me, but he hasn't figured that out yet and I haven't told him so you just keep your mouths SHUT.

Woo! Now for some grocery shopping and the ordeal of unpacking books and organizing them.

Stay foamy my peeps and stay away from the french fries!

Posted by Heather at 10:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Meh, this and that and the other thing. You're used to this. People read this and are not so entertained. It happens.

There are monsters in this world. Not the kind under the bed, those are easily dispatched with a light and some apple juice. There are different monsters, those people who have no moral compass, people sick in their brains, people with minds of rot and disease. The hard part is to remember to be charitable, to extract them from your life while still remembering they need help. I was reminded last night that the most effective way to deal with this is to pray that they get what they need (but not necessarily what they deserve, for that would be a far different line of thinking). I am not a religious person, but I am in some way a spiritual person in that I believe in the importance of ritual as a matter of teaching and rewiring how you perceive.

I have learned to say this prayer:
"So-and-so is a sick motherfucker. Please grant me the same compassion for this person that I would grant for a sick, dying friend. May this so-and-so get everything that they need."

Many thanks to Laura for her help in this matter. I needed to be reminded that the force you strike with recoils back at you. This is me, sitting calmly, trying hard not to strike back anymore. My reactions will now be that of inaction. I will let them find their own resolution.

I will refocus my energy on my life. On my new life which officially gets underway on Monday afternoon. On my dog and my family and David. On deciding to blaze a trail that is my own.

I will look my enemies in the eye and I will feed them french fries and they will die.

Posted by Heather at 9:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So today I got an email from someone I didn't particularly want to respond to as I don't really care for the person. The email asked me the state of an object. I really didn't want to respond, mostly because it was entirely moot and unimportant but also because I just didn't care. The only response I could come up with was "I fed it a french fry and it died".

I didn't send it. Responses like that would totally get me cemented into the 'highly crazy' slot in life and while this is a highly coveted spot, I prefer myself ranked in the 'slightly less crazy' field.

It was decided though, that "I fed it a french fry and it died" is the perfect response to almost any "what happened to X?" query.

"What happened to the remote?"
"I fed it a french fry and it died."

"Where is the bucket I keep under the sink?"
"I fed it a french fry and it died."

"Have you seen my first edition copy of 'True Thai' by Victor Sodsok, I'm sure I left it in the kitchen and now I just don't see it."
"I fed it a french fry and it died."

Semi-relatedly, I'm still not answering my phone very much. It's not you specifically that I don't want to talk to, it's just that I don't want to be on my phone. Also, I am DEFINITELY not answering any 'Private Number' or 'Unknown Caller' numbers. Screw you, I don't like surprises on my phone so unblock your number or leave a message.

Unpacking is coming along steadily. I own more bras that I never wear than almost anyone I know! I'm starting in the back of the house as that is the least overwhelming. The bathroom was super easy. Bedroom is not so bad, I have more clothes than the law allows (even after purging!) so a lot of those will be stored in the dining room closet (weird, I know, but people in the 'good old days' apparently never needed closet space.).

Power to the people.

Posted by Heather at 9:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Here they are, the pictures of my new place. First, though, let's check out the g-dawg

So sly, so cute. That's my dog.

Again, the outside of the house.

This is the bedroom where the sleeping and the getting dressed and the other things happen.

world's coolest ceiling fixture ever. ever.

The view of the kitchen from the bedroom hallway. So cute. Note the laundry chute to the left. Love the laundry chute. Laundry chutes help promote tidiness. Also note the large amount of cabinet space. Cool.

This is the bathroom where the peeing and the showering and the grooming take place. The only thing it's missing is adequate toilet paper storage. Working on that. I think IKEA has the solution. They solve all of my problems.

Massive counter space and even more cabinet space for me.

Another picture of the kitchen, I love the kitchen. Big kitchen, not the greatest layout, but good size, lots of storage and lots of electrical outlets. People forget how important these are.

From the front door you see the living room and the dining room. The house is an English Tudor so there are these great archways and race track ceilings and textured plaster walls throughout. Cute.

And these! There are 3 in the living room. Cute? CUTE!

This is my new place, this is where I am living now. Soon I will post the pictures of the massive number of boxes surrounding me now.

Ghengis 'Mr Goofmobilious' Jones and the very handsome Bela hanging out at Dena and Levi's!

Well, that's all for now. I won't bore you with details of my trip to target or the chinese restaurant up the street that will be getting lots of my money in the future or the fact that all the angley streets over here make it difficult for me to find the best way home from Target.

Got a new microwave. my life is excitement central.

Posted by Heather at 9:54 AM | Permalink

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It's late, i'm tired. I was browsing my stats for this sie since my traffic has jumped 3-fold in the last couple months. Anyway, I can't stop laughing at the things people search for that send them to me. Note that 'Sex Position' ranks higher than the actual name of the website!

* sex position
* velvet cerebellum
* dog coughs
* whitey mcwhiterson
* analworld
* kerry strug pictures
* allintitle cerebellum
* dog cough distemper
* cerebellum pictures
* timex synch outlook
* pics of 3rd degree burned
* evolution of the cerebellum
* velvet gloves
* cerebellum is longer than usual(ha ha ha)
* windy day upskirts
* lingonberry vitamin k
* disadvantages of gigantism
* bathroom with pink tiles
* mel-o-glaze recipe
* shar-pei basset mix
* uncle milton s ant farm club
* cobra eating habits (??????)
* freshwater manatee fart
* stewie toblerone
* pee.spot
* heather
* squishing ants
* bloomington bark park
* formeldehyde dye stuff

My apologies to anyone looking for real information about their brains or cobras or manatees or anal sex.

Posted by Heather at 9:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I'm moved. It's done. Everything that was mine in the old house is now in my new place. Moving sucks. I hate it. Luckily, I had a ton of fabulous help and I can't thank my friends and family enough for helping me get everything out.

Currently, there is a tight path surrounded by precariously stacked boxes that goes from the front to the back of my place. On top of everything that I have moved in I've had to go to Target to get MORE stuff that I need.

All the moving and coffee and beer and lack of water and lack of healthy food has left me dehydrated to the point where my lips are hugely chapped and my face is flaking. Stupid me. Drink more water, eat more fruit, eat less salt. Just eat healthier!

Speaking of stupid, I trapped my car in my garage! I was all happy about finally having a garage to park in, I pulled in, parked, got out, hit the button on the wall next to the door and went inside. The next morning, David poked me and asked "How do you get the car out if the remote is IN the car?". Reasonable enough question. One I had not thought about! The answer is you get a ride to work and you get a ride home and you wait for you duplex-buddy to come home from work and let you in to the garage. simple. Embarrasing but simple.

Also, a shout out to Earl at Time Warner cable. I got my internet set up with a minimum of hassle, all fees waived AND a 'Special Circumstances' credit for one month's service as well as the special price for 6 months. The lesson learned here is to be nice to the people who sit at keyboards and take your calls, they know what to type to get you special things.

I love this new place, it's amazingly cute and comfortable (not comfortable in a climate sort of way, there are 2 book shelves, a dining room table and 42,391 boxes between me and the thermostat. If we were having regular late May weather this would not be an issue, but May has magically turned into Smarch and we are suffering through lousy Smarch weather). It's funny how there's a ton of storage in some places (kitchen, dining room closet) and no storage in other places (bedroom has a closet smaller than your thumb, I need to buy an etagere for the bathroom). Luckily I can condense and shift and make everything fit nicely. Now I just need to do it.

And so starts my new journey (oh how new age of me). Leaving my old house was sad, it was the death of so many dreams, but the emotions that the house represented had been effectively stomped to bits. Here I am, looking at the new. Like my new, very pretty dvd player! pretty.

On a completely unrelated note, when you are a fish geek (as in aquariums, not someone who bites the heads off fish), you find yourself in some very very very drawn out conversations. i just spent 20 minutes describing the best methods of fish euthenasia, mixed communities, fish related infanticide and rice-a-roni.

Posted by Heather at 9:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I gots me 2 seconds to post here.

I'm moved, I've got everything in and now the task of unpacking begins.

Yesterday I learned I need more female friends. Their reactions to emotional are on the other end of the spectrum from the guys' and while I abhorr gender distinctions, I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.

Later: pics, pithy comments, the physics of wifi in the canadian wilderness, overly stimulating descriptions of what I find in boxes.

slightly less crazy.

Posted by Heather at 9:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I'd post pictures but I packed the cord for my camera away in a box and that box is somewhere...somewhere...

So I did a lot of moving today. Not terribly interesting.

This is, however, the first place that I have ever lived in alone. Mine. Alone. I will hang pictures where I think they will look nice and I will organize the kitchen the way that works for me and I will pick curtains and colors and motifs.

And if they look bad. pfffft. Mine.

also, just a note...
'The Village' is a terrible, stupid movie. Three points...1) How is raising your families in an environment of total fear and paranoia any better that what you left behind? 2) You've got to be 12 kinds of fucked up to leave a blind girl alone in the woods when you know there are monsters out there, you are one bitch-ass pussy for leaving her behind 3) These people seem to have an unlimited supply of lamp oil and are in no way concerned about conserving this resource.

Ghengis is having a sleep over at Dena and Levi's this weekend. He's chilling with Bela the absolutely fucking massive rottweiler. As expected, Ghengis has quickly asserted his loyalty to Dena, he loves her. G is quite possibly the most disloyal dog ever.

In the morning we get the big truck and move everything else. Dang. yo.

PS I'm the queen of the advice metaphor. Every problem in life can be related to some other part of like that has fewer problems. When giving someone advice, though, don't use the words 'phototropism' or 'binary fission'. People can't take advice that confuses them!

Posted by Heather at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I want to thank ALL of you, and I mean ALL of you that responded either in my comments or via email (I got a LOT of emails about this) detailing the nutritional value of beer.

Now, while I appreciate that many of the ingredients in beer might at some point in their existence been healthy and nutrition-laden substances, I'm just gonna have to go ahead and say that the process of making beer probably negates that value. I couldn't help but be reminded of the Bill Cosby routine where he is tasked to prepare breakfast for his children. They want chocolate cake, he knows this is wrong, they insist and he determines that since chocolate cake has eggs and flour in it, both nutritionally viable breakfast options, it must be good for breakfast.

Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake"

Also, when you take into consideration those people who seem to subsist solely on beer. These are not healthy people. At all. These people are losing teeth and organs, not because of scurvy but because their body is willing itself to die without checking with the brain first. This is the result of beer.

I'm still voting for beer negating the value of the vitamin.

non sequitur

Today a coworker came into my office, looked at me and asked "are you on the phone?". I told the Time Warner guy to hold on and replied, "Yes, that's why I have a phone attached to my face!". There was much amusement at this. Even the Time Warner guy laughed and he was like one of those old, beer drinking guys with the raspy voice named Earl that your grandpa hung out with down at the VFW. Earl rocked. Earl loved me.

Earl loved me because of my policy today to be cheerful AND goofy on the phone with everyone. Also, there was a huge clusterfuck on my account that needed to be fixed. Earl was expecting yelling and hystrionics. He was expecting blame. There was no blame! Earl didn't hold my account down and sweat all over it while he called it dirty names and grunted like a hog factory sow giving birth. No way, Earl just answered the phone, Earl was just doing his job. Also, if your goal is to be cheerful you can't very well go around yelling at people, can you?

So, in exchange for my pleasant and off kilter repartee I got my account fixed, I got a special rate for the next six months AND he tried to wing it so my internet access could be hooked up tomorrow (he got me in on monday, it was the soonest he could finagle). Earl and I wished each other the happiest of weekends.

Then i went down to the DMV and chatted up the lady in double knit behind the counter. I cheered when she told me the vehicle I was getting tabs for needed new plates. Oddly, this revelation confused the woman next to me. She heard "your chevy needs new plates" (it's the school's pick up truck) and kept asking "do all chevy's need new plates? do i have to get new plates? why only chevy's". We tried to explain to her that it was just a matter of age. The plates on this vehicle were 11 years old and the state routinely switches out the plates on vehicles after they hit a certain age. She still couldn't understand why the state was targeting chevy's, but she was glad it wasn't hers. We gave up, she was happy enough. I was getting tabs for 2 different vehicles and I so very thoughtfully had all my paperwork, the check and my ID at the ready for her.

I declared the entire process to be 'Keen', wished her a happy weekend and was on my way.

I then got the ever reliable Ghengis and headed back to work to drop off the tabs and plates. I made sure Ghengis did his duty before we left and still he managed to crap in my office. He's kind of retarded.

Tomorrow I move. Wish me luck.

Tonight the boy and I have a date. YAY.

Posted by Heather at 9:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I need a set of 3 machines. One machine will pick up my house and shake all the contents into a second machine. The second machine will sort my stuff and chuck everything I don't need (chuck it to some charitable organization, of course). It would determine what i 'need' based on actual intelligence and logic, not just "oh...i might use that someday!"

The third machine will take everything left over and set up my new place and hang pictures and put clean sheets on the bed and also get me a new microwave and put a meal in the microwave.

Better living through science, that's what I say!

Does taking a vitamin with a beer negate the benefits of the vitamin?

Posted by Heather at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Doesn't Suck: Being called well in advance of a realtor showing giving me enough time to plan my evening and take the dog to the dog park.
Sucks: Finding out AS YOU GET HOME that they changed the time and didn't tell you and so you must turn right around and go out again.

Doesn't Suck: Watching your dog play hard with lots of dog.
Sucks: Having a giant german shepard decide your dog looks like a tasty snack.

Sucks: Cutting a gash in your head while pretending to do step aerobics in your newly emptied pantry.
Doesn't Suck: Having someone who takes care of you.

Posted by Heather at 9:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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BORE YOU

So, I can't come up with interesting words to write, but I can point a camera and click a button. So now I offer up to you the most boring photo essay. Ever. (and I know boring photo essays, I work at an art college!).

1) My new home!

This is my new place. It's a little duplex in south Minneapolis near everything! I will live on the right side and I can do my own window box. Yay.

This is the only picture I have of the place right now, I move on Saturday, though.

2) Ghengis goes to the Dog Park!

Ghengis runs.

Ghengis incites trouble.

Almost got him.

Ghengis waits in the car while I buy a custard filled doughnut and ass coffee.

3) How to Make Breakfast.
This is by far the most boring pictoral. ever. Seriously, who wants to see what I make for breakfast?

Pre-maduros!

Post maduros. Actually, these were halfway between tostones and maduros. Too ripe and sweet to be tostones, but just NOT quite ripe enough to be marduros. I also sliced them too thin so they got crispy, BUT I loved them this way. I added some kosher salt at service and they were wonderful. A little sweet, a little salty.

Mise en Place people! Prep everything. Here we have mushrooms (so nasty), asparagus and tomatoes.

Saute over high heat. I learned after the fact that you are not supposed to cook mushrooms to death. What do I know, I hate mushrooms!

Add your spinach. So good for you. Add way more than you think you need. It cooks down more than you realize.

The spinach cooks way down to nothing, concentrating all the vitaminy goodness just for you.

Add even more spinach. Adding more spinach not only makes you healthy but it uses up the copious amounts of spinach that you find in your fridge that you have to use or it will turn into a massive green funk in a week.

Tomatoes have lycopene. Lycopene is the trendy new nutrient that all the ketchup bottles tell me about. I get most of my nutritional information from ketchup bottles. It was good enough for the Gipper, it's good enough for me.

Finally we add the egg. We're making scrambled eggs! Good for us. All the health benefits of the vegetables are being drown in a sea of eggy cholesterol.

Pick your spices wisely. I went with pepper and Penzeys Greek Seasoning. I could have gone with any combination of 2.32 million spices located in a drawer, conveniently labelled and dying to be used. The best thing about this drawer (and one of my favorite activities) is that everything gets dumped every 6 months and replaced with fresh stuff (either new, or from the freezer). I'm sick, I love doing this.

To add insult to the vegetable's injury we proceed to scoop a bunch of chevre into the mess. So good...so very good.

And here's breakfast. Scrambled eggs, pseudo-marduros, french bread, orange juice and coffee. Since I'm in the middle of packing you have to sort of shove shit around and pretend you are having a civilized meal at a real table with real manners.

And it's over. Breakfast was delightful. Perhaps next time you could join us, I might even make pancakes.

So there you have it, these are the pictures hanging out on my camera. You get to see them. They don't really mean anything.

It's 11:50 pm, I've had some crackers, some cheese and I'm drinking a beer. I need dinner and fast.

Posted by Heather at 9:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I saw 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' on Sunday with David. I liked it, I really did. I think part of the reason why I liked it is because I read the books once in high school, i thought they were good and that was that. I didn't read them again, I didn't remember them at all. I just read them and put them down and didn't give them a second though. The only thing I really remembered anyway was the earth blowing up.

SO...I thought the movie was good because it didn't have to live up to any standard for me. I didn't have to compare it to the books. I loved Marvin. Loved. I loved Marvin so much. I just wanted to hug him. Also, the chick who played Triilian, is she intentionally without emotion or acting ability?

The dog is not allowed to bark. He knows this. He does it. I yell and he stops. Then he sits there like he has a lemon in his mouth whenever another dog walks by. He looks around, his face is strained, he tried to grumble without barking. Poor guy just needs to tell the world they're not allowed on the lawn.

Cancelled packing plans tonight, cannot pack anymore. Going to nap, chill, hang, eat dinner, chill. In that order.

you know how you get a song stuck in your head and it plays over and over and over until you go insane? Well, I get that, but more often than not I get the song stuck in my head with the wrong lyrics. The Bee-Gee's 'Tragedy' is stuck in my head but with the word 'vanity' in the place of 'tragedy' and I can't get it to stop. Hate.

Pictures soon.

oh, also, what do you call that kid that no one likes and never gets invited to parties but he always manages to find out where they are and show up? You know the kid, they insist on showing up even though they're a jackass and everyone tries to ignore them. It's not just a jerk, they're not intentionally assholes. They're the ones with no skills. What do you call this person???

Posted by Heather at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Yeah, okay, so here's your update. Or something. First off, a shout out the my homies in Amsterdam. Who are you?

I am officially incredibly sick of Pizza Luce. Don't get me wrong, it's good food, but I've eaten so damned much of it lately. You just can't give people Dominos in exchange for helping you pack when you offer up pizza and beer as a reward. So Luce it is and I've had enough. Tonight it's thai food.

Last night was night number 4 at almost no sleep in this current stretch of insomnia. There are a combination of factors, the change with weather, the stress of the move, the strange schedule that is my life. I've been in patchy insomnia for about 3 months now, but this particular stretch has been tough because I am hardly even dozing at night and when I do the dreams are bright and scary and intense. Well, except I also had a dream that David was dressed up like a mock star with pleather pants and bad attitude. So bizarre. So not him. Made me laugh when I got up.

I photodocumented parts of my weekend! Sadly, the pictures are on my computer at home and I only have time to update at work. I'll try to get pictures up. Photos feature: Dog Park, How to Make a Nutritious Breakfast, Where I am Going to Live.

I took yesterday off work to relax my brain in some quiet and pack stuff and meet my dad and his brother for lunch. It was a very very good day off. I had cocoa pebbles for breakfast. I love cocoa pebbles. Seriously, with my lack of sleep things like cocoa pebbles become valid conversation points.

The sadness of packing up your house is coming across something with intense sentimental value and not being able to share that with anyone. You can only take the picture, or note, or bauble and put it in a box and hope the next time you see it it will only be an object. I get too attached to things, I assign emotion to things.

Posted by Heather at 9:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Thank you.

What more is there to say. Thank you. Most people can go to their moms and say "thank you for giving birth to me" or "thank you for raising me". Most people can recount stories of bedtime stories, after school cookies, school plays, summer vacations. When I thank my mom I say "thank you for opening your home to a messed up, somewhat surly teenager you didn't know but you knew was in desperate need of a family. Thank you taking control and pushing me forward. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for putting up with me.

Thank you, mom, for choosing to become my mother. Most people become the mothers of infants, tiny innocent things that don't already know how to swear or hotwire cars and then they work to prevent this knowledge from seeping in for as long as possible. You took me in, already damaged and used, but it didn't matter to you. And more importantly, you made it so it didn't matter to me."

This is how I say thank you to my mom. I cannot thank her for the bandages on scraped knees or monsters banished from under the bed. I can thank her for teaching me civility, grace, and how to set a table for a formal dinner party.

She taught me that no matter who you are or who you were, someone WILL take a chance on you.

Posted by Heather at 9:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This guy is a total cockbite and dick patrol. Now, I'm also going to fault to guy in charge of the custard place for not turning off the machine the finger was lost in. I mean, seriously, a guy loses a finger in a custard machine, you're trying to find it, a customer walks in and you sell him custard from that machine? Well, you're just begging to be sued.

And, apparently, you're just begging to be sued by the biggest jackass out there. Luckily, other people see him for the jerkwad he is for not returning the finger right away, but still I don't think that will help much in getting out of the lawsuit.

I don't know, i'm just not the litigious type. If I found a finger in my custard I'd probably be all freaked out but the most important thing to me would be the well-being of the person who lost the finger. A lost finger is probably going to be a big deal to the guy who lost it. It would be to me!

And I wouldn't sue the custard place, i'd probably just want some coupons for free custard (after they'd cleaned out the machine) or something. Probably a refund too. Yeah, I know it's upsetting to find someone else's parts in your dessert, but let's try to keep things in perspective, being some blowhard asshole isn't going to fix things for anyone.

PS there is a fatty fat cute as hell shar-pei on campus today. She's so cute and she's totally A.D.D like Ghengis. So soft and cuddly, too. I need another dog!

Posted by Heather at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Pink is the color of good days! I'm wearing pink and also I am happy (also the sun is shining, also it's friday, also last night was a good night, also I'm calmer). My hair is pink, my shoes are pink, my shirt is pink. People comment on the pink and tell me it's a good color on me. I think I'll go get more pink.

man, you know what I hate? I hate when I have a conversation and I think "I should post that" then promptly forget about it then I go post and can't remember what it was that I wanted to say? Well, believe me, i had something entirely too wity and vaguely humpworthy to post and I just can't remember it.

I'm off to take the dog to the park and make maduros!

Posted by Heather at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I saw a cop with an elaborate and very colorful Japanese sleeve. I sat there wondering what the story was on that. Initial impressions of him, his slightly greying hair, aviator sunglasses, trite, almost ironic mustache didn't really scream "I sport an elaborate and very pretty tattoo that covers most of my arm". This wasn't an old tattoo, it was very very new, in fact from what I could see, it was still in progress.

Of course it was hard to pay attention to him when all the action was taking place around the insanely drunk or stoned individual passed out on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant where I was having lunch.

I've seen many a drunk-rousts in my time, and I'm always a little surprised by how callous and rough they are. Of course I understand that when someone over indulges in such a manner that they are immobilized on the sidewalk on a bright thursday morning you aren't exactly inclined to hold their head while they sip water. The paramedics were doing some sort of digging the knuckles into the sternum and shaking business as the cops searched the guy's back pack for clues to what might have induced such a reaction.

Speaking of lunch, Alan called me up and invited me to lunch. A pleasant surprise on a day when my crankiness level actually caused me to get pissed and snap at my boss. I never do this and I think he was as surprised as I was. Later he called me passive aggressive and I told him I could become overtly aggressive if he kept pushing me.

I'll be taking a day or two off in the near future.

I like the flavor combination of drinking an americano and eating a banana. The coffee makes the banana taste more banana-y. or something. I don't know. The coffee, the banana, it's like a taste carnival.

The inspector didn't buy my unsubstantiated story that there was nothing wrong with the chimney. Fuck all.

Actually, I can pinpoint today's crankinesss to the inspector and the chimney issue. Today would have been as beautiful as yesterday but it started with a giant rock tumbling back into the pit of my stomach.

So instead of dwelling on the nebulous anxiety of THE HOUSE and all its issues both physical and emotional, let's dwell on how much fun it is to hang with the dudes.

peep out

Posted by Heather at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I have this coworker. He's an asshole. He is NOT the guy I despise and hate, that's a different guy in my department. Mr asshole is generally an okay guy but he has these really assholish tendencies that occasionally force us to look at him and say "Stop being such a prick!".

Actually, I'm the only one who says 'prick' and 'asshole', everyone else tries to be more diplomatic about it.

He broke up with his girlfriend of a couple of years about 6 or 8 weeks ago and things have gotten quite a bit worse since then. Obviously, we understand that people get cranky and stressed and pissed off during a time like this, but he's reached the end of his grace period. He's spent the last few weeks trying to pick fights with people and that's not cool. It's especially not cool to try to pick fights with me.

His other issue is that he complains incessantly about his ex. Now, granted, this is no different from when they were together, he complained about her incessantly then and I was always telling him to break up with her so they could both be happy. Now that they have broken up I get to hear all about how he's POSITIVE she's dating again. He's just positive and don't I think there's something wrong with that? Don't I think it's weird that she's dating already??

Actually, no, I don't think it's weird. I think nothing gets the nasty aftertaste of the end of a bad relationship out of your mouth like a good blow job, but that's just my opinion. More importantly, it's none of his business. They're not together anymore, she's not beholden to him, she owes him nothing and he needs to let this go. This isn't a trial seperation or just some time apart, their relationship has ended. They are both free to embark on whatever adventures they choose.

He's a little obsessed about this.

The other thing, though, is that he just needs some friends. Even he's admitted he doesn't really have any friends. There's no one he knows that he wants to hang out with. I told him to go make friends, but I don't really know how one goes about making friends. I can think about each and every one of my friends and I can think about how we came to know each other and how we came to be friends. Every case is different. I honestly don't know how one goes about making friends. I have a pile of friends in varying degrees of closeness and each one feels like a completely special circumstance. Perhaps that's why I hold my friends so dearly, because I see each one as coming from some completely special moment?

Anyway, how does one go about making friends? How do you meet people to turn into your friends? Keeping the friends is going to be a much different task for him, but we'll go in baby steps here.

Posted by Heather at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Yeah so I wrote this long thing about how crazy people were a lot like bumble balls. It amused the hell out of me but it was rather obscure. Crazy people. Bumble Balls. I think it was foretold in the scriptures or something.

Let's see...
Same old crap, I hate the weather, I'm busy with house things, the dog is cute and handsome and doglike. I don't sleep enough, work is stupid busy.

blah blah blah.

Dena and Levi are coming over to help pack tomorrow and I am torn between making something for dinner or picking something up. Needs to be vegan. I can easily cook vegan, but I want to spend as much time as possible packing.

Anyone want to be a whip crackin motivator and help me pack? I'll make/buy you dinner and give you beer.

Posted by Heather at 9:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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When you write about the centipede in your kitchen and you are trying to find a link about it you end up seeing shit like this. This is why I never ever sleep.

Posted by Heather at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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(No, I didn't get promoted, that's what spongebob chants on his way to work at the beginning of the spongebob movie)

It's may. It's fucking cold out and it keeps snowing. Little flurries that won't stick, but snowing nonetheless. I hate Minnesota weather. I need to move. One day I will.

Here are some pointless items from my life.

Item: David and I went to see Pooh's Heffalump movie yesterday. I'm not a Pooh fan, I never read the books when I was a kid, I never saw the movies, I didn't really know much about them. I have Tigger Ears which I adore but more for their cuteness and not any great knowledge or love of Tigger. After seeing the movie I can safely say that I'd probably go see another Pooh movie but I'm no real fan. I liked Roo and I liked the Heffalump and Tigger was kinda cool but he had a really small part. The rest of the characters...well...hmmm

Also, I went and saw the movie at the Cinema Grill where they bring you hamburgers and grilled cheese and sada while you watch your movie. We placed out order. Waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. She brought us the bill and we pointed out that we never got our food (seems odd to bring us a bill for food we never got). She proclaimed that she knew we hadn't gotten our food, the movie was too short to bring us our food and we could take it home with us. The movie was 68 minutes long. Does it take 68 minutes to fry aa hamburger, cook a grilled cheese and make up some fries?? Possibly if you are slaughtering the hamburger buns yourself instead of buying pre-made hamburger buns. Also, don't blame the length of the movie for your business' incompetence. We chose to not take the food with us and went next door to Panera.

Item: Panera has pretty good bread. I was surprised.

Item: I am obsessed with bread lately. Whenever I see bread for sale i want to buy some. I want all kinds of bread. I don't know why. Bread. Craving bread. I even bought those frozen dough loaves so I could bake up bread whenever I felt like it. I do think I want to replace my bread machine. I used to have a fabulous bread machine, that thing was a work horse and we worked it right to death over the years. We replaced it with a cheaper machine thinking there couldn't really be a difference. We were wrong. i hated that bread machine, it never mixed the dough completely so you'd end up with this overly wet lump in the middle surrounded by all the dry ingredients. If I have to stand there and monitor the machine throughout the process then I may as well make the bread myself. Having to monitor the machine constaantly defeats the purpose of buying a machine to make the bread for you.

Item: My dvd player is pulling a Schiavo on me. It looks and acts like it should work, but just when you get your hopes up, it doesn't. New DVD player before bread machine. Anyone want to donate a dvd player to the case. and by cause I mean me.

Item: My mother would be glad to know that I still remember how to pray the rosary (though I had to clarify the last line of the Hail Mary, just to be sure). No, I did not ACTUALLY pray the rosary. Sorry.

Item: I move in 12 days. I'm not ready.

Item: The dog is getting better but he still coughs occasionally. I don't like when he coughs, it makes me nervous.

Item: Still working on the travelogue. I really need to find the balance between excessive, uninteresting detail and missing out on stuff.

Item: Time Warner still hasn't fixed my bill. I hate them. I still need to set up service at the new place.

Item: A nice thing is a lunch made by another person for you to bring to work with you. I've always been a huge sucker for little things like that. I told everyone who would listen..."David made my lunch for me".

Item: Looking at used cars, just to see what's out there. I'm a sucker for a certain kind of car, classy and sleek but not obnoxious. I did, however, find a super cheap Audi TT for sale with low mileage. The previous owner had his fun then had kids and couldn't keep the car for practical reasons. Let me tell you...there was temptation. Also looking at used BMW's. I suck.

Item: Dinner with my dad tonight. Still need to buy beer for me. Would like to take a nap.

Item: Mother's Day is coming up. I am without ideas. Help.

Posted by Heather at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I, like many people, have an iPod with an fm transmitter and I listen to it in the car on 88.1 fm. Every once in a while you drive near someone with a slightly stronger transmitter than yours playing on the same station.

Today, not only did the person in the Lexus SUV have the iPod and the stronger transmitter, but the 2 times I was near enough to her to have what she was playing transmitted onto my radio i heard songs I had on my own playlist.

Now, while that's not much of a stretch, it's not like I'm breaking down barriers of the fresh new music scene, but I do find it odd that she had BOTH 'Hey Mama' by Black Eyed Peas AND 'Son of a Preacher Man' by Dusty Springfield.

Posted by Heather at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Wait...do I know how to rock a Saturday night? Oh yeah, baby, I do!

I just spent my late late saturday night grocery shopping. That's right, chochachos, David and I rocked the grocery store like it ain't never been rocked.

The college cafeteria closes for the summer next week and I have to get in the habit of bringing a lunch because I really don't think I can spend another summer eating fast food every day. I picked out a bunch of stuff, some healthy, some not so healthy. We'll see how well this works. It's hard to think ahead about anything but the fact that I have to get my shit together and move in two weeks.

Special thanks to David for vanquishing Scutigera Coleoptrata for me. Of course I would have killed it with a vacuum and not wrestled it to the yard, but he's kind like that. I'm not.

11:45am Sunday morning is Pooh's Heffalump Movie at the Cinema Grill. Be there!

Posted by Heather at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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