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Things I need to start calling people in conversation:
* Bitchcake
"Hey! Watch your tone, bitchcake."
* Poptart
"Settle down, poptart, there's enough for everyone."
* Cockbite
"COCKBITE!!!"
Things I am currently calling people...
Dick Patrol
Two unrelated, inexplicable quotes came my way this morning...
"So your life is like a Monday Night Football replay except Howard Cosell is played by a chorus of spastic monkeys?"
"That can't spell...don't forget the spelling"
"I'm pretty sure Mike Doughty never wrote a song called, "pathetic, desperate and jealous".
The snark level is high this morning and I haven't even put my make up on yet.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, go learn your homonyms!
You're...your
They're...their...there
Affect...effect (I'm not sure of this is technically a homonym, but still)
Here...hear
You make the LJ Grabber less fun. You make this fall under the "funny because it's true" category.
That's all.
ps No, I don't meant you.
It's not early morning by any means, but it's those few minutes alone in the morning that find me sitting here plotting out my day. It's quiet, there's a dog curled up on my feet, there's a special someone still curled up down the hall.
The funny thing about Thanksgiving weekend is that after two days of goofing off you feel like you weekend is over only to realize you have two more days. Today must start with some house cleaning, but that always goes faster than I expect it to. Then off to play for the rest of the day.
Thanksgiving went well, as expected. This year there were only 4 of us, myself, my sister, David and David's friend John. I made the standards (parenthetically speaking of course), turkey (organic, free range, too dry), stuffing (with dried fruit, nuts and pumpkin seeds), mashed potatoes (with burnt green onions), sweet potatoes (mashed with brown butter and garam masala), and gravy (giblet of course). Also put out a cheese plate (naturally), Humboldt fog, Point Reyes Blue and Dubliner cheddar along with olives, candied walnuts and grapes. I need to stop buying cheese at Whole Foods, they never have what I'm looking for (mirableu sheep's milk blue from spain, neils yard dairy cheddar, Brillat Savarin brie. All solidly good cheeses, al exactly what I wanted) and I end up settling for other things.
John brought an absolutely delicious salmon with ginger and garlic, so damned tasty, along with green beans and carrots in a black bean sauce. One would think Chinese food would be incongruous to the Thanksgiving meal, but it was quite the opposite, the food was divine and added a delicious counterpoint to the traditional fare.
This weekend has been the most relaxing one I've had in a few months. Cooking for people, hanging out with friends who enjoy your company, watching SpongeBob dvd's all afternoon with someone who enjoys them. These are good things that I'd almost forgotten.
The dishwasher calls my name and the vacuum sings her sweet song just for me.
Stay foamy, peeps.
ps the first snowfall is here. crap. I find that most of the people who enjoy snow and winter are the ones who don't actually have to shovel. Luckily, the first snowfall never sticks.
Happy Thanksgiving, space monkeys!!!
On being a manager at McDonalds
"The thing about being a manager at McDonald's is that your employee could stab you and you'd be all 'I know you just stabbed me...possibly in the liver...I'm bleeding black...I'm going to die in 30 minutes...could you possibly work tomorrow? I know it means you will miss your day off and it's short notice but we need you. Please call 911.'"
Maybe you had to be there.
I found this in an old email this morning. I think I should take up a career writing eloquent if perplexing death threats to people
When your times comes, and it will, as it does for everyone, it will be sanguinely graceful and viscerally stunning. Universes will collide in imitation of your offal display.
I promise
Let me know if you're looking to hire for something like this (just the death threat writing, I have to have a personal stake in the issue if I'm going to carry it out).
I want you to come over and color in coloring books and eat tofu and spin me around to make me giggle and laugh that surprised laugh that shows all your teeth and hug me quiet and watch a movie and poke fun and hold my hand and eat some dessert and tolerate the dog and smile.
xoh
Two very sweet songs that I fell in love with this weekend... Butterfly and California both by Mason Jennings my new favorite musician.
Nice.
Now if only I could do something about this anxiety life would be damned sweet.
Aaah, so what did I do this weekend...
Grabbed David and drove like hell to Chicago (after dropping the dog off at my dad's, getting coffee, putting air in my tires, getting gas, spilling coffee, getting more coffee, adding windshield washer fluid and buying more lighters).
It was a typical Chicago trip for me...I spent about 35 million hours at the Shedd aquarium, dinner, shopping, and cheap baked goods at Chinatown, Sears Tower at night, brunch, wine shopping, room service, all manner of fun stuff. Also, introduced to new music, all good, will share more about that later.
I'm giddy happy right now. All kinds of goofy stuff that makes me shake my head and laugh.
The world is full of mirth, people, it's worth it to find some and hold on to it.
You take all the precautions necessary, lord knows you do. You're completely careful, you know the rules.
You know the rules and yet there you are, alone in the house, alone in the bathroom, pushing the dog away with your foot and peeing on a plastic stick.
You're careful, you take precautions, but 5 days is a long time.
5 days is a long time, so is 5 minutes.
You fidget, play with your hair, put lotion on the remains of that constellation of pimples over your lip, check the stick, compose this entry in your head, look at your nail polish, check the stick, look for wrinkles, check the stick.
The first pink line shows up.
What are your options? What are you going to do if that second pink line shows up? Who would you tell? Who would you never tell, not even in a million years?
Would you tell him?
5 days is a long time...so is 5 minutes.
No, really, what are your options? Your life isn't just in flux, your life is a fucking tornado that shows no sign of abating. Look around you, you're standing in the middle of a room covered in the brown confetti of recently chewed toilet paper tube. You can't even keep your dog from making a mess in the time it takes you to shower. Speaking of the dog, when are you going to cut his nails? And did you get his heartworm medication this month? Wait, here's a good question...just how close to punching the shit out of him were you when he chewed your security blanket? Think about it, your option here is pretty clear.
Sucks, doesn't it? Sucks to have the obvious answer to the question be the one answer you never wanted. If your most intimate wish is granted and you refuse the offer, do you ever get a second chance? How does karma play on this? Maybe you should rethink this.
Or just check the fucking stick again.
First pink line is very clearly there. The circle is blank. There is no second pink line.
There is no second pink line.
Your best friend calls right as you confirm this. You tell him, relieved, feeling silly for worrying. He understands, though, talks you through.
Secretly, 15 minutes later, you check again.
Just to be sure.
Last night I related to David a situation I was in a year ago as an example of what we were talking about. I don't think much of the situation, it doesn't bother me so much, but I always forget that when I tell someone about it they get very upset and offended for me.
We talked about it again today, I told him how my friends always get upset by this story but I don't. He said (and I'm distilling and paraphrasing quite a bit here, so David forgive me if it isn't quite right) that perhaps my friends know that I can take care of myself physically, but I tend to not protect myself emotionally so they step up and do it for me.
Protecting myself physically is up for debate as I count the empty cigarette packs accumulating around me and I can calculate just how much coffee I will need to survive a day after 2 hours of sleep. As for my emotions, I will do what I can to avoid painful situations, even cutting people off before they get close to avoid the inevitable pain later, but once I've invested in someone emotionally I'll do whatever it takes to keep the peace, even at my own expense (which is not to say there aren't situation where I won't put the smack down with a quick righteousness, but thankfully those situations are few and far between). Also, since I tend to take a harshly realistic view of myself, lots of things just can't get me. You can't insult me by calling my ass big if I'm the first to tell you that it is.
And here are my friends, taking offense for me, getting upset on my behalf, wanting very much to protect me and keep me safe.
And I do appreciate it, very much so.
I recognize that someone has to do it. In that vein, I am as protective, if not moreso, of all my friends. It's my job and I take it seriously.
So, to all my friends who have over the years defended me, hurt for me, held me while I cried and called me to make sure everything was okay, I love you and I appreciate you and I'm sure I'd not have survived without you.
Unrelatedly, (or maybe relatedly, in spirit if not topic) I've been terribly busy lately, not had time to post or email or take calls or any of those simple things that I KNOW I am supposed to do to be a good friend and all. I am very sorry, I'm trying to rein my life in and storm track my head. Soon soon soon, things will get back on track and maybe I'll even tell you what I was so busy with.
maybe.
I was just accused of humping on the couch. I'm not sure how 'checking my email, rubbing the puppy's belly and talking to another person' constitute humping, but there you have it. This is the Bizarro-Dali land I find myself in every day.
I should watch Alice In Wonderland again, gotta love that Queen of Hearts in there.
Why didn't I know about this???
Dear Planet,
I was wearing my black hoodie because I was too busy (lazy) to hang up my laundry and my shirts were all wrinkled. I am not part of any mosh related hoodie wearing coalition of dumbasses, I'm simply very busy (lazy).
Thank you
h
Jesus, I fucking went to the polls in a black hoodie, i feel like such a tardmeister. No, I don't feel targeted or oppressed or intimidated or obstructed. No, I don't want to send a great big 'fuck you' to 'the man'. Good Christ, in all honesty, I'm like halfway to being 'the man', I'm all about oppressing YOUR sorry asses.
People, stop acting like there's oppression where there isn't! Seriously, go out and fight some real oppression and stop playing around like a progressive 70's tv show. Go fight lamb prices! That's where the real oppression is! The man's trying to keep me from enjoying lamb regularly because by artificially driving the prices up.
IN FACT! I dare each and every one of you to put on some common article of clothing like say, PANTS, and go buy some beets in order to STICK IT TO THE MAN.
I hate you guys.
In other news, I voted, blah blah blah. Short lines, not bad, tasted like chicken.