The Velvet Cerebellum

I'm a little obsessed with my dreams. I love my dreams. I don't love them in an 'altered state, premonition, astral plane' way, I don't usually analyze them in any deep way. I love my dreams because they are usually very vivid and very emotional, sometimes so vivid they come back to me as memories of actual events and not just dreams. It's kinda like being able to live this whole other bizarro life where sometimes I can breathe under water or fly or shoot people without consequence.

The other night I had a dream that really struck me. In this dream I spent time with a number of my exes and former lovers (but only the ones I am currently still friends with) and in the time spent together each one rejected me in a way that was very specific to them. One made plans with me but when someone more interesting came by they left with them without so much as a goodbye. One spent the entire time during an intimate act discussing the various people they would like to date. And still another one, when asked to go out, fell silent and unresponsive.

These situations really have less to say about about the people involved and a lot to say about how I felt in the relationships or how I felt about the way they evolved. I've spent a lot of time analyzing this.

Funny thing is, it sounds like it would be depressing or sad, but actually it's not. I've actually been very happy since this dream. I'm not entirely sure why, but i think it felt like closure in some way.

Either way, this dream and a few other things lately have conspired to make me pretty fucking joyful!

Posted by Heather at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I don't have enough of any one thing to make a post with (not that I post much of substance, but you know I like to have a couple paragraphs when possible) so here's a little bit of everything

Favorite song at the moment is Morphine's In Spite of Me. I'd heard it before and it's on a mix cd that Mark made for me, but the other night it was playing and suddenly grabbed me for whatever reason. It's getting heavy rotation in the car, which is hard since it's a short song. Also, I need you to appreciate how hard it is to find a lyrics site not completely futzed with pop-ups.

I finally got green nail polish and I am in love with it. MAC's Aloe Aloe green, got it from my mom for my birthday. I'm always on the lookout for good green nail polish and could never find it. I have 87,000 shades of blue since everyone has good shades of blue and when I go looking for green I end up buying blue as a consolation color. Finally, green.

It suddenly occured to me that this was a holiday weekend, a nice long weekend and I have no plans. Shit. I need a friend with a place on a lake. I live in Minnesota, how is it that I don't have a friend with a lake place?? Of course my mom lives on a lake, but, while I love my mom and all, 'friend with a lake place' should really be seen as 'friend with a place for uninhibited debauchery and no neighbors'.

Social Security Sex - you get a little something every month, but it's not enough to live on.

In playing tug-of-war with the puppy i've pulled out a couple of his baby teeth. Freaky. Also bloody and gross.

Countdown to Baltimore is still on. Every day it gets less scary and more exciting. There are a lot of people and things that I will miss terribly in the move, but there are a lot of people and things out there waiting for me.

There you have it. A lot of little bits. My new tattoo idea is "Illegitimis non carborundum". I'll get it on my forearm, it's a good thing to remind yourself.

Posted by Heather at 11:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Everyone has the Kanji tattoos, I think I should get one, too. Not one that says 'love' or 'peace' or 'wisdom', that would suck. I don't need those words on my body. No, I want something like 'Buddha Delight' or 'Angry Death of 1000 Shames' or 'Molar'. People will ask what my tattoo says and I'll respond, "Fertile Soil".

The perplexity on their faces would be worth it.

The problem is (and, lo, there is always a problem) that occasionally tattoo artists have been known to tell their customers that the Kanji symbol for 'It burns when I pee" actually means 'Love'. These poor chicks find out 2 years later at 1 am in a seedy bar in NYC as some guy walks by and asks why she has 'It burns when I pee' tattooed on her lower back. So, what I'm saying it that while it's fun to tell someone that I have 'Flesh Wound' tattooed on my shoulder, it's a pain to have to explain to someone who can read Kanji that it was intentional.

Person who can read Kanji: Do you know your back says 'Capture the slippery bean curd'?
Me: Yeah
PWCRK: Must've sucked when you realized that, huh?
Me: No, it was intentional.
PWCRK: Riiiight, buddy, whatever you say.

So you can see my dilemma.

Posted by Heather at 11:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

Dear Macia,

Daaaang girl, you musta robbed a den of snakes of all their sexiness cuz I ain't NEVER seen such a slither on a woman to make me shiver like this.

Warmly,
h

Posted by Heather at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

PMS is burning, nay, simmering inside me. Oh Joy.

The best indicator of PMS for me besides the general crankiness (because, really, how can you discern the general crankiness from the PMS crankiness?) is that I want to pick fights. I really do. At any given time I have the special short list of people with whom I want to pick a fight with. Of course, i love fighting with these particular people because it's like shooting fish in a barrel. It's a quick and easy operation to get in, attack and jump out.

Sigh, I couldn't fight with anyone today because Mark and Ethan told me not to. Stupid Mark and Ethan trying to keep me on the high road. Dumb levelheaded Mark and Ethan keeping me from saying something I might possibly regret (though I doubt I would regret it, I mean at least not until they looked up half the words in the dictionary).

Fine. Be that way, guys, see if I care.

Posted by Heather at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This is a review of work done by my very good friend, Ethan. I've known Ethan for some years now, and I've watched him create a lot of incredible art in that time.

Is it wrong to feel pride and joy when your friends are given such accolades? I hope not.

Posted by Heather at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Best fun ever???? Watching Alias with a good friend 2000 miles away!

Thanks Alex! Thank you.

Posted by Heather at 11:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So the other day I'm thinking about what I'm going to post for my birthday. Birthdays depress me, they remind me that I'm getting older and older and tireder and tireder. Or something.

Last year, my 30th was fantastic. I hated the idea of leaving my 20's but I ready for my 30's. I saw my 30's as a time to do all the things I could not or did not do in my 20's.

Things change though. I had plans for my 30's, a vision for how things would turn out. Divorced and childless was not how I saw it when I closed my eyes. 31 was gearing up to be a really depressing birthday.

But it wasn't. Not at all. I could be dwelling on all the ways in which my life has changed in ways I didnt want it to, I could mope, and be pissy and all that. Actually, I was for a while, and it wasn't fun. I can't change things back to where I want them, and it's really pointless to dwell on all that could have been. In the past few weeks I've made some decisions, some brought relief, some were emotional, all were satisfying.

One of the decisions was to emotionally extricate myself from those things that cannot reciprocate. A few friends are in that category (hence the mulling of friends previously). The big thing was the house. As much as I love this house and all it represented, it was just a house and what it represents isn't there anymore. Along with the house goes the items inside. We started the dividing of the stuff this week and I just let things go. I pulled all the emotion out of it, just saw it as stuff, really only want to keep what's practical to me. Sure, there are things I want that I can't have, but I'm getting other things and everything can be replaced.

The big decision, however, the one that has just brought my focus back was leaving the state. I've always wanted to move away, first Chicago years ago, more recently Savannah. I've always wanted to get out of here, but never really had the opportunity. Now I do. The house is being sold, I have a reasonable amount of equity to be put back into another house, the new place does not have to be here.

I'm packing up and moving to Baltimore. As far as I can tell, people do not move to Baltimore to reinvent their lives, but Baltimore is all about practicality. I kept making lists of what I needed in a city, I needed ocean nearby (not beaches, just ocean), I needed a better winter than Minnesota's (which could be anywhere, really) and I needed people that I knew. Several cities were coming up as 2 out of 3. I was lamenting to a friend that DC would be a perfect choice as it fits all 3, but I can't afford it. He recommended Baltimore and after a bit of research I've come to believe that he is wise in all things.

So Baltimore it is.

I have something to focus on now. I have a direction to point myself in. I know what the goal is and now I am working out the plan. New life, new city, new vision. Now that these decisions have been made, I feel a bit more free. Now when someone or something pisses me off I can quietly mumble, "fuck you i'm moving to baltimore". Cut me off in traffic? fuck you i'm moving to baltimore. Run out of cigarettes in traffic? fuck you i'm moving to baltimore. Chew a hole in my new shirt, pee on the rug and chase the cats? fuck you i'm moving to baltimore. Oh, shit, yeah the puppy's coming with too, I guess.

I didn't mean for this to get so long, dang.

Essentially, I had a fantastic birthday. I had breakfast with my dad, saw a baseball game with my friend Alan, had a great dinner with Jen and Alan, and drank pretty much constantly through the day. I got great presents from people, and more importantly, I got great birthday wishes.

Sorry I wrote so much, but, fuck you, I'm moving to Baltimore.

Posted by Heather at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Am I the only one who heard the news of Reagan's death and just said, "oh...huh, god for him"?

I have no real memory of him except that time he was shot or the time he fired all the air traffic guys. I don't know, does this make me a bad person? Yeah, probably.

Posted by Heather at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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When your life changes you start thinking about things of great importance. Today I ponder friends. Not the tv show.

Of course, there are 2 ends to the spectrum, those who have lots of friends, none of them super close and those who have few friends, but the friends they have they are very close to. You fall somewhere in the spectrum. Me, I have lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends. The close friends that I have, I am very close to.

I don't make friends easily, I'm terribly shy and tend to question people's motives at first. When I do make friends I invest a lot of time and emotion into the relationship and it is exactly because of this emotional investment that I am wary of people at first. Don't put yourself out there to get hurt and all that.

This emotional investment that I make in my friends also leads to extremely high expectations. I'll not invest in someone who can not return in kind what I have given. I expect loyalty, I expect honesty, I expect the same level of emotional support that I give out.

There are always disappointments and misunderstandings along the way. It's inevitable, shit happens. Unfortunately, I react strongly. I've got no time or patience for people who want to be friends but can't give what I give. Is this fair? Probably not.

The thing is, it's easy with newer friends to just cut them off, to tell them no more and then not talk to them again. Easy. With older friends things get more difficult. You have to ask yourself if a)your perception of them had been way off the whole time, b)they changed drastically or c)you changed drastically. it gets harder, and sometimes you don't cut them off, but just slowly pull away.

On the other hand there are the acquaintances that very suddenly become good friends because they did for you more than you ever expected and you realize that they like you, sincerely. These are friends you hold on to.

Funny how relationships with people work.

oh, and, no this is not a veiled reference to anyone in my life, so stop trying to find yourself in here. It's just a ramble about friends.

Posted by Heather at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

More retarded word fun! The Dictionary.com word of the day word the other day was 'Autochthonous', meaning indigenous or native to the area (specifically 'of the earth).

National spelling bee champion kid just won on that word! Coincidence? Probably not.

Links to these things? naw, too lazy.

Posted by Heather at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

How did I not know that Alton Brown had a little bloggy thing?? I'm so lame. I should have known. I heart Alton in the dirtiest way. I didn't know.

Super special thanks to Mark for pointing this out. God, I feel like such a loser for not knowing this. Now I have to redo my links on the side. Actually, I have to anyway since I keep forgetting to put Elena and Michelle in there. My bad, sweeties, I'm just forgetful.

Posted by Heather at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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