The Velvet Cerebellum

In my never ending string of month-long cravings, my newest craving has a decidedly unhealthy twist. I totally and absolutely need to eat KFC. And not just anything from KFC, but the 3 piece breast and wing dinner with mashed potatoes and coleslaw (see my previous post concerning my love for the KFC coleslaw). I have eaten KFC 4 times in the last week and I am vying for more.

Popular myth maintains that strong cravings are indicative of a lack of something that your body needs. Seems my body is pretty low on the Colonel's secret 11 herbs and spices.

Posted by Heather at 8:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I know that the 3 piece Colonel's Crispy Strip meal only comes with one side, but I like mashed potatoes AND coleslaw. I don't let anything stop me. I just boldly ask for the 3 piece Colonel's Crispy Strip meal and when they mumble "What side do you want with that?" I raise my head and proclaim "Mashed potatoes and coleslaw.".

They think I am yet another retarded customer who doesn't know how many sides come with my meal and I know they get a secret pleasure out of having to charge me for my coleslaw. Know what?? I don't care! I know I have to pay for the coleslaw and I get to eat my coleslaw in peace.

Screw KFC and their preset notions on how many side dishes constitutes a meal.

Posted by Heather at 8:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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It seems to me that if you are going to call somewhere for information you should be prepared to receive this information, perhaps by having on hand devices with which to record that information. My suggestions would include a writing utensil (crayon, pen, pencil, bloody finger) and a writing receptacle (paper, your bare leg, kitchen counter covered in flour, steamy mirror). This information-gathering advice is especially important if you are calling someone about a job listing. I am tempted to tell all of the people who call about job openings and are not prepared to write down the information that I give them that the job is filled.

On a related note, if you only have 2 things to do today, get stoned, and call me, please make sure you call me first then get stoned later. Call me early if you need to, I will be quick and allow you to get on with your day as planned.

Posted by Heather at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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On an interesting side note, I can fellate my remote control. How did I come to discover this fascinating talent? Who cares!?! The better question is, 'What does your remote taste like?'. Well let me tell you, it tastes like many hours wasted on my couch watching drivel, it tastes like evenings spent with good friends laughing, it tastes like bad tv and better movies, it tastes like my cats, it tastes like a quiet evening.

Posted by Heather at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Though I was thoroughly tempted, I fought the deep-down urge to watch the broadcast of the International Special Olympics. I know that the Special Olympics is a wonderful organization bringing valuable lessons and fun to those who need them most. But goddammit, I am pure evil and I can't help but find this too amusing. So in an effort to hold off the inevitable lightening bolt for another day I moved on to something more healthy. I watched hour upon hour of 'The Joker's Wild' on Game Show network.

Posted by Heather at 8:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Regularly there is some news made about a college or professional team getting some flak for using Native American names or likenesses in their sports teams names. Some seem benign on the surface (ND Fighting Sioux) and others are patently offensive (The Washington Redskins, the Cleveland Indians logo). Since many people don't seem to recognize what the big deal is, perhaps we should suggest other names for them to use.

* The WifeBeatin' Whiteys
* The TrailerPark Crackers
* the Fightin' Speed Freaks
* The Well Defended Corporate Embezzlers

I think you get the idea.

Posted by Heather at 8:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Man, I'd hate to be the person for whom the phrase "Butt Ugly" was coined.

Posted by Heather at 8:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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My Head
A Haiku

God! Fuck! My head hurts!
And the sound of blood rushing
is making me nuts

Okay, it isn't a good haiku and I have not been in a haiku mood, but the pain in my head is making me crazy. Not enough to be considered a bad headache, but more than a twingey irritant. It is also making my hearing sort of foggy sounding like I am underwater. I think my blood pressure may be high, either that or I have a mini ocean in my head.

Maybe, someday I will tell you about how we are all mini oceans. After that I will tell you about the evolution of bones and kidneys and lungs.

Posted by Heather at 8:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Friday Night
Chicken parmesan sandwiches on homemade bread. Tasty, satisfying, lots of cheese.

Saturday
Chicken and veggie fajitas with coconut jasmine rice. Initially the idea seemed odd to me too, but the mellow sweetness of the rice was a nice counterpoint to the spiciness of the rest of the ingredients.

Sunday Night
A quick stop at a Broviaks Specialty food store yielded Brie, Gorgonzola and another cheese which name escaped me (mild, firm reminiscent of emmanthaler), Soprasetta sausage, Serrano ham and Westphalia ham. We also picked up neutral crackers and French bread. At home I sliced green apples, pears and temple oranges and we sat and noshed and combined the different flavors to our hearts content.

I need more weekends like this.

Posted by Heather at 8:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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A Poem for You

before the world ends
give me just one more chance to
laugh with you
hold you so close to me
smell your neck
taste your lips
tell you I always loved you
I wouldn't need tomorrow if I had that

Posted by Heather at 8:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I certainly don't want to use this space to preach or be political or anything but there was yet another school shooting and as usual I have spent many hours pondering and worrying about it. We should stop being surprised when this happens. It is going to continue to happen regularly. When I was going through a very tough time as a teenager, an adult that I looked up to said that he wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. He said it was so hard to be a teenager and he understood what I was going through. I promised myself that I would never forget just how much it sucked to be a teenager.

People say that kids have it easy, they don't have the responsibilities of adults, they don't pay bills or work horrible jobs. That is true; what is also true is that they have a stunning lack of self-confidence, they have fear and they have a limited grasp on many of the situations they face. They have no control and no one listens to them. They are told by popular culture to be sexual and sophisticated and smart, they are lambasted from the other side for for being such. In their fear and confusion, they lash out at each other by fighting and name calling and teasing. It gives them power to see someone react to the mean things they have said. When you are mocked and teased and hurt so consistently, you will have to lash out eventually. Sometimes they lash out with a gun and they do it at their school. The idea has been planted so firmly in the psyche of teenagers that it becomes a viable option. If a gun was not so readily accessible in their lives they would not be able to use them. Sure, there are other weapons they could use, but none that are as efficient and deadly. They don't even have to get close to their victim, they dont have to expend any effort except to point and squeeze.

Can we eliminate the guns from this place? No. Ours is not a country built on reason and we don't have a long standing tradition of thinking things through. I don't have any reasonable solutions here except that we really should remember that teenagers are not mini adults and shouldn't be treated like adults but like teenagers.

Posted by Heather at 8:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Remember on 'Wheel of Fortune' when you earned money to use towards buying things in the cool display 'rooms'? You always hoped that the good people got the cool rooms and the dorky people got the lame room with the Precious Moments collectibles and vomit colored artwork to choose from. I always wanted someone to pick the giant Toblerone Bar. What I really wanted was for someone to choose the giant Toblerone Bar and then through a series of odd circumstances it would end up in my possession. The circumstances changed each time, but the giant swiss prism of chocolate was always mine.

While we are on the subject, let's talk about the Showcase Showdown on 'The Price is Right'. My favorite days were the days when one person got the trip to every single country on the planet, plus a jacuzzi, ski's, a giant Toblerone Bar and a BRAND NEW CAR (okay maybe not the chocolate) and the other contestant got a popcorn cart, cheap dinnerware, carpeting and a toilet paper cozy. I bet you don't even get to pick the carpet color, or if you do you have to choose from remnants and manufacturer defects.

Posted by Heather at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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It seems that ant colonies do in fact co-mingle during the lazy hazy days of the breeding season. I have learned, however, that bees (close close relatives of ants) do inbreed, but my question about genes has not yet been answered. I shall keep you posted as new information comes up.

Special thanks to Spoober and her intrepid investigation skills.

Posted by Heather at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Do I have the Skills to pay the bills?

Totally!

Posted by Heather at 8:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Personally, I think that Red Delicious apples are the most insipid apples ever. They are the 'Friends' of the apple world. Honey Crisp apples are the 'Discovery Channel show about the Burgess Shale' of the apple world.

Posted by Heather at 8:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I just bought an ant farm the other day and was thinking about the breeding activities of the industrious ant. They do not send a queen and so your ants will not reproduce, just eventually die. You also cannot mix ants of two different colonies together, even if they are the same kind of ants, for they will fight to the death. Ants who live in the wild never ever mix with other colonies.

A queen ant in the colony is the only ant that can breed. When the time is right she breeds a specific number of new queen ants and prince ants. Once they are mature they leave the nest, fly around, lose their wings and one queen will match up with one prince. Once they breed and start a colony of their own the prince dies and the queen will continue to produce offspring from that single coupling. Eventually, the cycle continues and she produces princes and queens to go forth and start new colonies.
So in essence, there are two ants, they produce many offspring, those offspring breed with each other and produce offspring which breed with each other. It is a huge case of multi-generational inbreeding, yet the ants don't seem to suffer. When humans inbreed, genetic disorders that are generally recessive (and cancelled out by breeding with someone who does not have that trait) are suddenly amplified. You don't see it so much in first generations but it becomes worse as they inbreeding goes on. Do ants have perfect genes? Do they not have recessive traits that could harm them? Or have the been doing this for so many millions of year that those ants with the bad traits and their entire bloodlines have died out and only the strongest ants survive?

Perhaps the ants genetic code is vastly dissimilar to a mammals and inbreeding isnt a problem.

Yes, this kept me awake for hours.

Posted by Heather at 8:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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My Doughboy
A Haiku

My doughboy sits there
in his Post-it Note outfit
looking fresh and fly

Posted by Heather at 8:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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