shhhhh
Dear Spoober,
I know you have a crush on me. Don't worry, I will not be mad. Just remember, Spud, I am your friend.
Love
h
Dear Spoober,
I know you have a crush on me. Don't worry, I will not be mad. Just remember, Spud, I am your friend.
Love
h
"If I dig the pit myself, can i get a Tapir?" I asked, hoping against hope for a positive response.
She looked at me with disbelief and declared it to be the most bizarre thing said all week.
Prospects seem slim at this point but I will keep you posted.
Why can't I be Herbert Kornfeld?
Spent the entire day trying to figure why a page using code that i had just copied and pasted from another page wasnt working. Spent hours of my time and Jen's time trying to figure it out. IT WOULDN"T WORK! The variables were right, the names in the database and the form were right. WHAT WAS I DOING WRONG??!
HMMM, perhaps if you are coding a page that requires you to pull information from a database, maybe (and this is just a suggestion) you should include the code that CONNECTS YOU TO THE GODDAMMED DATABASE.
Hidden Talent
A Haiku
"Watch what I can do"
she said to her bus-seat mate
and took off her shoes.
The underlying odor near my desk became a smell, then a reek, then and overwhelming stench. Back when it was an odor, I thought it was a misplaced miso soup cup that hadn't been thrown away. As it got worse, I realized that even miso at it's worst could not possibly smell like this. Upon further investigation, I discovered that the drinking fountain near my desk had become clogged at some point before someone tried to dump a latte in there 2 weeks before. Wanna know what a rotten latte smells like? Go kill a raccoon and a squirrel. Shove the squirrel up the raccoon's ass and place it in 2 Hefty SteelSak garbage bags, seal well and place in the sun. After 4 weeks, go cut the bag open and breathe deeply. Don't like the smell? Well, it isn't anywhere near as bad as the smell that came out after they took the drinking fountain apart and started to snake out the plumbing in hopes of clearing the clog. No such luck. People tried to be helpful, one person even installed an automatic air freshener that dispensed the Tim Burton version of roses into my air (along with god only knows how many chemicals). I sat in a nasal wonderland of rotten latte, sewer gas, and Chemi-Rose. The drain isn't fixed but the smell is waning (a little).
Can't wait for the Iron Chef Tie-breaker battle tonight.
Oh, and I really want a kitten.
# 2 pounds of cookie dough
# 200 of my cellphone minutes
# Bob Denver's soul
# Band-Aids
# A copyright infringement lawsuit
# Sleet and Snow
I was just handwriting something and I wrote the 'S' backwards! Just shoot me now and get it over with.
On a similar note, I am constantly typing 'I' and 'O' in place of their numerical equivalent.
Watched the NBC show 'Ed' last night. I was so entranced by boredom that when I had to vomit in disgust over the lameness of the show, I forgot to open my mouth. As a result my brain is covered in chunks of homemade chicken pot pie.
The name "Front Page" is just a marketing ploy. You wouldnt buy a product called "Unholy Code Scrambling Piece of Shit", its original name.
I get home from work and I am a bit peckish so I grab the ice cream from the freezer and go to grab a bowl. I pause. I will be leaving to go to my in-laws for dinner soon, so there is no need to actually scoop it into a bowl since I'll only have a little bit. I grab the bucket and scamper into the office to email/play solitaire/listen to music/talk to the cats. As I listen to 'Napoleon' by Ani DiFranco I try to belt out the line "How dare you complain to me", but find it hard to convey sufficient bad-ass when my mouth is stuffed full of Edy's Swiss Orange.
you are the moon that controls my body's tides
George W Bush
A Haiku
you dumb smug asshole
you fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
you dumb asshole fuck
My life is like a never ending party filled with CHEEZ-CURLS
I walk into the restroom after lunch today to relieve myself and what do i find? My stall is blocked from use??!??? I stood there for at least 30 seconds trying to figure out how to move the stuff from in from of it so I could get in. Eventually my laziness took over and I wandered into the other stall. The entire experience was surreal and painful. The toilet paper dispenser was on the wrong side, the lighting was different -- how the hell am I supposed to get into the mood when I can't even look at the things I normally do? Peeing isnt an adventure, it's a moment to quietly reflect on the day's events and plan your attack on the rest of the day. I can't concentrate on the important stuff if I am bumping into the toilet paper dispenser and worrying about my fading eyesight. Shit, at least I still wipe with the same hand.
Oh Dear
A Haiku
I know I had them
they were right there on my legs
where did my pants go
This morning my cat, Chloe, told me about her job as the night manager at the Dollar Store. She didnt seem entirely happy about her job. It seems that our other two cats are not showing up for their shifts. Chiva the Kitten claimed she didn't know about it, then told me about her job delivering newspapers. Cocoa the Reticent just stared at me, quietly judging me. I told Chloe to get a better job.
* Lint
* Old Polaroid Film
* Albert Camus
* Unmatched Genius
* Your Untouchable Soul
* Mystery
i weave a web of pain and deceit masked in charm around those unfortunate souls who get too close
early morning printer issues
a haiku
paper jam is fixed
printer was hungry for more
tasty white paper
Waiting for the inevitable psychotic break that will be the peanut butter to my jellylike brain.
This morning my alarm went off and it was inexplicably tuned into the local craptacular pop station (KDWB for those in the Mpls area). I won't go into my rant about how much I hate morning shows and how my vision of hell includes non-stop morning show style broadcasts. The main guy, Dave Ryan, was going on and on about the Backstreet Boys and how wonderful they are. I have never heard a man get so cum-soaked over a boy band before.
You could tell that he totally hated the band but was forced to slobber over them due to his contractual obligations to Satan.
After that they got into a somewhat heated discussion about Eminem and his validity as an artist. They went on to compare him to Renee Cox and her current scandal causing exhibit in New York (Yo Mama's Last Supper).
Both may be offensive to different groups for different reasons but only one will move people to violence (namely me against silly bad-ass wannabes with goofy hair).
My life
A haiku
My life is like a
sweet little tangerine with
neat juicy segments
Zognar lives in a secret hovel near the copier.
When someone comes to use the copier he rushes out and bashes his 37 inch titanium dick into the copier.
I have never seen Zognar.
I know he is there because I hear loud banging and crashing and when I look there is only a perplexed looking student or professor staring at the machine as it howls in anger at them.
Some might suggest that perhaps Zognar doesn't exist and perhaps the damage done is the student's fault, but I fail to see how anyone who was not a certifiable sociopath could cause so much damage to one machine.
Flippo